Young Writers Society

The bell rang, a sudden shrill siren that signalled the end of the day. Sighing deeply --partially with relief and partially with despair-- I headed out of the classroom.
The hallway was chockablock with students as I struggled to get to the main gate; the exit of this suffocating prison; the entrance to my freedom.

Once outside, I inhaled a deep, refreshing breath. Ah, it's good to be free. Then, remembering the assignment, my shoulders drooped. What was I going to say to my parents?

"Hey! Wait up!" A voice, no, not just a voice. One similar to that of an angel's, one that pulled me through the day like a plank in the middle of an ocean I was stranded in, one that belonged to Zwayne Skylar, called out to me. The words seem to resound in my head like church bells. Turning around just in time to see him catch up with me, I smiled. "Hey."

Zwayne had been my best friend since preschool. Our mothers knew each other from cooking class. We never felt awkward and could always talk about anything under the sun. Now, in high school, I was beginning to have doubts about us being "just friends".

As we were walking home, he asked out of the blue, "You look down. You're not talking very much either. What's wrong?" One more thing about us: We always knew when the other was upset. That was my favourite part.

"Yeah, got a C plus for my philosophy assignment. How am I gonna tell mum and dad?" They'd go berserk!" Having been a straight A student all my life --until now-- I felt like my world was coming to an end.

Zwayne stopped walking beside me.

"Wha-" Before I could finish my sentence, he grabbed my hand and dragged my through the gates of the park we were passing by. We ran --I stumbled-- our way through the trees until we reached an open patch of grass. There, he lay down and crossed his arms above his head. Patting the grass beside him, he fixed his gaze on me and said "Come on."

As we watched the clouds drift by slowly, Zwayne reached over and closed his hand over mine. "You know, every superhero has lost at least one battle in his or her life." I turned to smile at him, the tension in my heart easing. "Plus grades aren't everything."

Turning back to the sky, I realised why I found the sun a symbol of happiness. It was not because it provided light and warmth, and not because it gave life to plants and animals. It was because it was a hole in the sky. A slither of hope in all that blue; a break in an empty void. That was what Zwayne was to me; always there to hold my hand during the darkest of days.

"Thanks." I replied.

hi!
it was a beautiful story. i enjoyed the read.
the flow was good too!

Hey! Wait up!" A voice, no, not just a voice. One similar to that of an angel's, one that pulled me through the day like a plank in the middle of an ocean I was stranded in, one that belonged to Zwayne Skylar, called out to me. The words seem to resound in my head like church bells. Turning around just in time to see him catch up with me, I smiled. "Hey."

i think the sentences can be made refined. it makes the story strong too.

We always knew when the other was upset. That's my favourite part.

the tense
we always knew when the other was upset. was is in past.
that is my favourite part. is is present continuous.
"we always knew when the other was upset. That was my favourite part"

Turning back to the sky, I realised why I found the sun a symbol of happiness. It was not because it provided light and warmth, and not because it gave life to plants and animals. It was because it was a hole in the sky. A slither of hope in all that blue; a break in an empty void. That was what Zwayne was to me; always there to hold my hand during the darkest of days.

love the philosophy in this. love the titel after reading this part.

"Thanks." I replied

according to me this sentence can be eliminated. But thats up to you!

congratulations on the good story!
if you have any more questions pm me or something! always ready to help!

-manisha

This story was awesome!

Cute. It flowed really well too. I liked it!

Hey do you know that I read this story EVERY DAY when I feel depressed? Thanks a lot. This story really is a bright hole in my stupid boring life.

Hey Mirasol! Welcome to YWS! ^_^ I hope you've been enjoying the time you've been here.

A smallthing about the beginning-- I find that starting a story off with a bell ringing is a bad idea, similar to starting a story with an alarm going off. Something about it feels cliched and forced, as if you couldn't think of a proper opening so you had to stick in that bell. I know that's probably not the case, but I would find a different first sentence all the same.

The hallway was chockablock with students as I struggled to get to the main gate; the exit of this suffocating prison; the entrance to my freedom.

I love the word chockablock. Wherever are you from? I've never heard it before. I would change these semi-colons to commas, though. Semi-colons separate full sentences, which these are not.

As an overall note, I find it hard to take the name Zwayne seriously. I'm trying, really trying, but it just sounds like a video game character and such a sweet boy deserves a name to fit his disposition. I would definitely consider picking less unusual names so not to draw attention away from the story. You can use a name like Zwayne for a fantasy story!

As we watched the clouds drift by slowly, Zwayne reached over and closed his hand over mine. "You know, every superhero has lost at least one battle in his or her life." I turned to smile at him, the tension in my heart easing. "Plus grades aren't everything."

I'd like to see more reaction here from the narrator. The boy who she's hinted to having a crush on has dragged her to a meadow, laid down, and is now holding her hand! This is terribly romantic; her heart should be racing a mile a minute and tension should be mounting, not easing. Even though he may make her feel better, if she likes him like I think she does, it's more realistic for him to make her excited and nervous in this situation. Let readers see her reaction.

Turning back to the sky, I realised why I found the sun a symbol of happiness. It was not because it provided light and warmth, and not because it gave life to plants and animals. It was because it was a hole in the sky. A slither of hope in all that blue; a break in an empty void. That was what Zwayne was to me; always there to hold my hand during the darkest of days.

I find the idea of the sun being a hole in the sky too weak to stand as the title and conclusion of a story. It's a nice idea until you really think about-- it's simply and factually not a hole, first of all. It's a mass of gases and is very much something. But you seem to realize that, because you say it is "a break in an empty void," which suggests that the rest of the sky is the hole and the sun is the only thing that's really there. Make sure you look beyond a pretty line and nice metaphor to ensure that it actually holds up.

Overall

I like the sentiment to this. And it is short and sweet. But rather too short and too sweet for my taste. Why? Because there's no conflict, and conflict is the driver of a story. I suppose you could call her C+ in philosophy conflict, but I don't buy that. This works well as a fond flashback of a character to an instance where a friend cheered her up, but beyond that I feel like it's not significant enough to stand on its own as a story. Not enough actually happens.

So my suggestion to you is to learn from this, set it aside, and use it for character development or a writing exercise. For future projects, though, I would use a plot with more substance and conflict.

Keep writing, good job, and PM me for anything!

~Evi