Young Writers Society

I walk into my empty classroom during PE for some water. I stagger over to my seat and search for my water bottle. I drink from it and throw some on my face to calm down the late March afternoon heat. I’m staring out the window when someone bursts into the classroom. It was Karan, his shirt drenched in sweat, which is surprising, since he doesn’t play sports very much.
He strides in, panting, and throws water on his face. Then he notices me, leaning against the wall, watching him. I quickly look down.
“What’s up, Juhi? He asks, still panting.
“Just came to drink some water.” I reply with a smile, waving my bottle. I head to the door when he asks me to wait.
“We need to talk.”
“About?” I ask innocently.
“You know about what. About you leaving. Moving. Whatever.” He says looking down at me with his chocolate brown eyes. It’s true. I was leaving. Next week. It was too much to take. I had been trying to ignore it. I had been in this school since KG. Now, when I’m in 11th, I was leaving. It would bring tears to my eyes talking about it.
I don’t reply. I’m out in the corridor when his voice stops me.
“I always loved you.”
I stop in my tracks. Just what I was scared of. I bite my tongue to keep the tears from rushing down. I decide to ignore it and start walking again. He catches my arm. I turn to him and see tears in his eyes. All barriers that I had from crying tumbled down and tears race to get out of my eyes. Before I could make any sense of it, he hugs me. I bury my head in his chest and sob just as he does on my shoulder. I don’t know how long we stood like that for, stuck like glue. All I can think of is the past. When in 4th grade he told me he had a crush on me and I had smiled. Then, a few years later, he told me to forget it, for some unknown reason. But we were still best friends. Sitting side by side, exchanging jokes; first-aiding him after his fight with Rajesh; all those times when I tried to forget the past. Tried to forget how much I loved him.

He’s the first one to lift his head up. He looks into my eyes, searching for an answer. “Me too” I croak. He smiles, still sobbing though, making him look funny. I smile back. Then, very slowly, he brings his face close to mine, so close that I can hear his breath. He kisses me, very gently. I’m the first one to pull back because I can hear steps behind me. And a few seconds later, boys of my class come into view, drenched in sweat. I quickly leave his arms and look out outside the window. He talks to his friends while I slip into my seat. I have a smile on my face. The last period starts and the teacher starts talking. But I’m not listening.

I’m talking to my friends in the corridor. There are people all around me, discussing things. I say goodbye to my friends, tears in my eyes. I tell them I’ll call them –we will meet again. I look around one last time. The corridor is filled the people I’ve known all my life. They all say bye to me. I walk to my bus, barely holding my tears. The whole ride home, I’m silent.


It’s one week later that I’m sitting in my new room, on a new bed, in a new home, when I get a call on my Nokia. I look at the number. I recognize it very well. It’s Karan’s.


So. This is my first piece written for people to read. Please bear with me

I just pasted the whole story here. I'll highlight the points that bother me a bit. Sorry in advance if I am a bit harsh and nitpicky - I hope this helps!

I walk into my empty classroom during PE for some water. I stagger over to my seat and search for my water bottle. I drink from it and throw some on my face to calm down the late March afternoon heat. I’m staring out the window when someone bursts into the classroom. It was Karan shouldn't it be is there, to keep the tense constant?, his shirt drenched in sweat, which is surprising, since he doesn’t play sports very much. This is troubling. If he didn't do a lot of sport, he would be sweaty after any exercise on such a hot day, so the sweat is not surprising to me. Maybe it needs some clarification.

He strides in, panting, and throws water on his face. Then he notices me, leaning against the wall, watching him. I quickly look down.

“What’s up, Juhi? He asks, still panting. That direct speech is incorrect. You need to close the quotation marks and the H must be lower case.

“Just came to drink some water.” I reply Replace the full stop with a comma to correct the direct speech.with a smile, waving my bottle. I head to the door when he asks me to wait. The sentence should be something like "I start heading for the door, but he asks me to wait." or "I head for the door, but he asks me to wait." Change the "heading to" and the "when".

“We need to talk.”

“About?” I ask innocently.

“You know about what. About you leaving. Moving. Whatever.” He says looking down at me with his chocolate brown eyes. Again, the direct speech is faulty. Replace the full stop and the capital letter with a comma and a lower case letter. Try a comma after "says" to get the sentence to flow right. It’s true. I was leaving. Next week. It was too much to take. I had been trying to ignore it. I had been in this school since KG. Now, when I’m in 11th, I was leaving. It would bring tears to my eyes talking about it. Get the tenses sorted out here, I'm feeling confused about which tense you are in.

I don’t reply. I’m out in the corridor when his voice stops me.

“I always loved you.”

I stop in my tracks. Just what I was scared of. I bite my tongue to keep the tears from rushing down. I decide to ignore it and start walking again. He catches my arm. I turn to him and see tears in his eyes. All barriers that I had from crying tumbled down and tears race to get out of my eyes. Before I could make any sense of it, he hugs me. Barriers are against, not from something. Tenses: tumble, not tumbled; can, not could. I bury my head in his chest and sob just as he does on my shoulder. I don’t know how long we stood like that for Try "I don't know for how long", putting the "for" more forward., stuck like glue. All I can think of is the past. When in 4th grade "When we were in", perhaps? he told me he had a crush on me and I had smiled. Then, a few years later, he told me to forget it, for some unknown reason. But we were still best friends. Sitting side by side, exchanging jokes; first-aiding him after his fight with Rajesh; all those times when I tried to forget the past. Tried to forget how much I loved him.

He’s Try removing that apostrophe and writing it out in full. Shortening is only allowed in direct speech and thoughts of the characters. the first one to lift his head up. He looks into my eyes, searching for an answer. “Me too” I croak. He smiles, still sobbing though, making him look funny. I smile back. Then, very slowly, he brings his face close to mine, so close that I can hear his breath "him breathing" might be a better choice.. He kisses me, very gently. I’m the first one to pull back because I can hear steps behind me. And a few seconds later, boys of my class come into view, drenched in sweat. I quickly leave his arms and look out outside Maybe remove the "outside". the window. He talks to his friends while I slip into my seat. I have a smile on my face. The last period starts and the teacher starts talking. But I’m not listening.

I’m talking to my friends in the corridor. There are people all around me, discussing things. I say goodbye to my friends, tears in my eyes. I tell them I’ll call them –we will meet again. I look around one last time. The corridor is filled insert "with". the people I’ve known all my life. They all say bye to me. I walk to my bus, barely holding my tears. The whole ride home, I’m silent.

------

It’s one week later that I’m sitting in my new room, on a new bed, in a new home, when I get a call on my Nokia. I look at the number. I recognize it very well. It’s Karan’s.


Well done for a first. I like the style - it kept me reading, no terrible inconsistencies etc. Generally, well done! Keep working on the grammar, but I liked the storyline very much - great work! Sorry my criticisms were so harsh and horrible, I still like the story

Don't be discouraged, have fun writing!

barefootrunner got all the grammar I just have a few points. I liked this, it's cute, and it's real, there's no fluffy language that takes away from the story, I really get a feel that the character is a teenager, a normal teenager that doesn't try (and fail) to talk like Shakespeare, I liked that a lot .

It's a little bit strange to me that you write in the present progressive in some places:

I’m not listening...I’m talking to my friends in the corridor.

It's a little bit distracting, maybe that's just because I'm not used to it.

Also, this is very short. Brevity is perfectly and 100% okay, it's even cool to start in the middle of things, it works for a lot of stories, but I'm not too sure about this one. Of course, if you mean to keep it short that's fine , I just think that it's hard to connect to your characters properly and care what's going on to them because the readers haven't gotten to know them. I can tell by your writing that you know what happens to Karan and Juhi, but the readers don't, and it makes me care less about the declaration of love and the fact that one of them's moving away. It's a powerful sentiment, but I think you as the writer have to do more to make it so.

I hope I'm not too critical; your story is really good! I just hope I'm helping

Thank you both so much. It's just my first time writing seriously. I appreciate your corrections. I'm not really good at editing, so sometimes when i make a mistake ( or double a word) I forget to edit it out. And i realize the story is very short. It was just meant to be a try. I'll take care of grammar next time. Again, thank you both