Young Writers Society

The dark sky covered Atlanta like a blanket. The stars sparkled so bright around the full moon. Rayne Monroe sat on the couch in her one level apartment and watched the Good Times marathon on TV Land. It was a Saturday night and all of her friends were at the opening of this new club called Social Climax.

Rayne Monroe's real name is Lorrayne Monroe Sanchez. She is mixed with Spanish and Black. Her parents are well known all around town. Her father, Carlos Sanchez, is a very popular lawyer in the city. He is very good at what he does. He has kept a lot of models, rappers, and journalist out of prison. Her mother, Jenna Sanchez, is a boutique owner. It is called Storm and Rayne, which she named after her two daughters.
Rayne is twenty-seven years old. She works at a beauty shop. She was never the pretty or popular girl in school, but now is a different story. She stands at five foot four. Her jet black hair is cut into a short bob with light brown highlights. Her body is curved in all of the right places and guys love to see her strut her stuff in the club. She has tattoos and piercings to add to her sexy frame. She has stars behind her left ear, her name on her right arm, roses vine from the top of her hip to her ankle on her left leg, and the word gorgeous on her right foot. She has a small nose ring, navel ring, and an upper lip piercing. Her parents weren't happy with her decisions on her decorating her body, but she didn't care. She wanted to change her image, and that's exactly what she did.

As she was focused in the television, her phone began to vibrate. It nearly scared right out of her own skin. She grabbed her Droid and saw she had a text message. It was from her best friend, Kim: Come out here to Social Climax. It is poppin'

Rayne thought whether or not if she should go to the club. She wasn't really into the club scene, but was bored on this Saturday night. Well Im not doing anything. I might as well go out there and see what's up. She shrugged her shoulders and texted Kim back: Here I come!


This hot new spot in Atlanta was live. You could here the music from down the street. People were standing outside, talking and smoking. Rayne parked her car across the street in the McDonald's parking lot and got out. She checked her hair in the rear view mirror and made sure she was still looking good. Even though she rarely partied, she knew just how to dress to make everyone talk. Tonight was no different. Rayne dressed in yellow tubetop, a black leather coat with the sleeves stopped at her elbow, Apple Bottom blue jeans that hugged her hips just right, and black six inch stilletto heels. Her hair was full of curls and her make-up was just right, not too much but not too little.

Once she walked in, she spotted her girls at the bar. She headed towards where they were. As she walked, she heard men whisper something or whistle at her. She smiled because she knew she was doing something right.

Kim: "There you go. 'Bout time you made it."
Lauren: "You know she is slow getting dressed. But that is a cute outfit. You're gonna have to let me borrow that."
Rayne: "I'll think about it. It is live as hell in here."
Kim: "Yes it is and there are so many sexy ass brothas in here tonight. I have spotted about five baby daddy potentials."
Rayne: "That is so sad Kim."
Lauren: "She is right though Rayne."
Rayne: "I guess."

She turned around to look out on the dance floor and that's when she spotted him. The sexiest man in the club. It felt as if everything paused as they made eye contact. She didn't want to stare but she couldn't help looking at the most gorgeous man she ever seen. He stood against the wall with a toothpick between his lips. His hair was slick back into a ponytail. As their eyes made love, she felt her knees tremble a little and sat down on the stool beside Kim.

Dre Harris loved to come to club and see new females he hadn't seen before. As he watched females walk past him, he notices one girl he really would like to get to know. She was so beautiful and had to body to damn near cry for. He had to talk to her before he left the club, but didn't know what exactly to say. But, he knew he would have his words together before the night was over.

As the night got later, the club grew packer. Rayne was beginning to feel out of her element and decided to go home. She told her girls goodbye and headed for the door. As she walked out the door, she heard someone call out "Aye" for her attention. She turned around to meet face to face with the same guy she spotted earlier that night. He was even sexier under the lights.

Dre: "Where you heading off so fast ma?"
Rayne: "Home."
Dre: "Home? Already? It's only 1:30 AM."
Rayne: "I know what time it is. Partying just isn't my type of scene, you know?"
Dre: "Not really, but I feel ya."
Rayne: "I bet. What do you want anything?"
Dre: "I can't stop you and talk?"
Rayne: "There must be something you want?"
Dre: "Yeah, there is. Your name?"
Rayne: "I'm Rayne. Yours?"
Dre: "Just call me Dre."
Rayne: "Well Dre, I gotta go if this conversation is over."
Dre: "It doesn't have to be."
Rayne: "Well what are you suggesting?"
Dre: "How about we exchange numbers and continue this

Hi Alibri! Welcome to YWS! I absolutely love it here; my writing has improved loads since I joined and I've met quite a few nice, talented people who've helped me out. I hope you like it here as much as I do! If you have any questions about anything, please feel free to ask.

Before I begin reviewing your story, I want to tell you that no matter what I say about this piece, your opinion is the only one that matters. If you love your work, keep it the way it is! At the end of the day, what you think is most important.

The dark sky covered Atlanta like a blanket. The stars sparkled so bright around the full moon. Rayne Monroe sat on the couch in her one level apartment and watched the Good Times marathon on TV Land. It was a Saturday night and all of her friends were at the opening of this new club called Social Climax.

By the time I finished reading this, I identified an error that is actually common. Correcting it is very simple and I promise that it will make future pieces more vibrant and fluent. Rather than simply explaining what I feel you need to do, I'm going to give you an example.

Jon was a young boy. He had short brown hair and blue eyes. Jon's mother loved to watch him play cowboys and indians. She would stand at the kitchen table and watch him. Sometimes she would laugh. Jon was a typical little boy.

Not too bad, right? You get the basics and you understand who John is and how old he is and even what he looks like, but you don't get to know him, do you? Now watch this.

Jon was a model little boy. Sometimes, when his mother was washing dishes, she would watch him from the kitchen window as he galloped around the yard, playing cowbows and indians with imaginary foes. His blue eyes and blond hair were entirely childlike; who could help but laugh when he rushed in through the door, declaring in his high-pitched voice that "The sheriff is here!"

My example isn't perfect, but I think you'll get the picture. By using different types of sentences and words that aren't commonplace, you can paint a more vibrant picture than that which you can achieve by simply using the same sorts of sentences and same sorts of words over and over. You will also be able to tell the story more effectively, which brings me to the second thing I want to discuss.

"Jon's favorite pair of cowboy boots were brown. They were scratched."

This tells you that Jon had a pair of worn brown cowboy boots, and that they were his favorite. Other than that, you don't get much information. Let's try again.

"Scuffed and battered from many long days of play, Jon's brown cowboy boots were his favorite. They had been his faithful partner on many imaginary adventures, and he wouldn't part with them for the world."

When you're reading this, you get a better picture of the cowboy boots, and also a better picture of Jon.

What I'm trying to tell you is that you need to be less blunt about how you're telling the story. Rather than simply saying things, allow them to be revealed as the story progresses. Let the reader imagine some things, and let them want to know about other things that will be revealed further on. The reader must want to read on. It's essential.

Practice makes perfect. I'm nowhere near being the writer that I want to be, but I know that as long as I continue progressing, I can reach my goal someday. You can do the same. Always keep writing!!

-Rose

It was a beautiful story and it left me in suspense for more. I liked how you worded it so realistically. I have to admit I was a little thrown off by the slang. I didn't understand some of it but correct your grammar and keep writing. It was awesome!