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to be a Princess



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Thu Nov 24, 2011 2:03 am
Cailey says...



Spoiler! :
Still a work in progress, and kind of long. However, I would appreciate it if you could read through it and review? Its eventually going to be in a contest, but I got stuck. Anyway, I thought it might help to put what I have written up, and I'm relying on your reviews to give me some more ideas on how to finish and what to change. thanks!


Amira and Paden were both perched high in the branches of an old oak. The air smelled of rain and dirt and a hint of manure. In essence, it was beautiful. Months had passed since the last rain, and the smell that now dripped from the clouds made Amira’s heart skip faster. Even Paden, who was usually so serious in comparison to his friend, could no longer conceal his excitement.
“Rain, Amira, just like you’ve been waiting for.” Amira laughed, the sound of bells and playful little streams. Her curls bounced and her thin shoulders shook with pleasure.
“Yes, I know. The fields have been so dried out; it isn’t normal. The rain never waits so long to come along.” Amira slid from her branch, her deep red dress flowing out as the wind carried her to the ground. “It’s coming!” she sang, listening to the hoof beats created by the falling water. Paden followed her from the tree and they raced into the little wooden cottage, where both collapsed onto a table just as the skies opened completely. Amira traced patterns along the creases and moved back and forth in her seat so that the creaking wood mixed with the raindrops. Paden simply watched her with a smiled pasted onto his flushed cheeks. His eyes followed every move her fingers made along the chasms of the table, but Amira was too focused on the rain’s song to notice.
Finally the drumbeats on the roof bored her, and she glanced up, only to meet Paden’s eyes, which were the color of deep chocolate. “What?” Her cheeks darkened to match her dress, and self-consciously she tucked a brown curl behind her ear. Paden shrugged, turning his stare to the window, which was streaked with the dirt that was being washed away.
“I still can’t believe your father was able to buy glass. Only nobles and royalty are supposed to have such a luxury.” Paden didn’t care that the glass only covered half the window and had designs carved all over it by some fall or other. It also didn’t matter that the other window on the opposite side of the room was covered by a crude piece of tin.
“Oh Paden, we are royalty,” Amira joked, though Paden did not doubt the truth of her words.
“I know you’re a princess, or at least will be one day.” He stood up and moved beside Amira, who leaned into his hug. A quiet laugh was drowned out by the rain, and Paden pulled Amira to her feet. “Your highness,” he knelt to one knee and turned his face up to her with an expression of admiration and awe. “Would you care to dance?”
“I would be honored, my prince.” The rain continued for hours, playing a song for the two dancers. They swayed and whispered in the dimming light. For a while it was as if the grimy walls and the dirt floor simply vanished, replaced by a golden palace with chandeliers and crimson carpets and an orchestra whose music was mixed with the magic of dreams.


The next morning was gray and wet. The rain had stopped, but the ground had become a mountain of mud interrupted by a few rivers that hadn’t had time to dry. Amira jumped over one such river, only to land with a splash in another. The bottom of her dress was a speckled brown that matched her hair, and long ago she had taken off her shoes in order to keep from completely ruining them. Now she gave up trying to stay clean and let the mud seep up between her toes. A bucket swung along in Amira’s hand, occasionally bumping against her leg.
Finally she reached the old well, which was now filled almost completely. It was such a relief seeing it so full after so long of having to pull out water that was mostly just mud from the bottom of the well. Amira sat on the rocky edge, dipping her feet into the cold water to let the mud wash away. A few golden leaves from the changing trees swirled through the water and gathered about her ankles, and laughing she kicked them away.
As Amira moved her hand a greenish frog leapt up to sit on the wall next to her bucket. Startled, she slid further away. The frog followed. “All right then, what do you want?” Amira glared at the frog, whose big yellow eyes held too much feeling. A few minutes passed, Amira shooed the little animal away a couple times, but he would wait a bit before reappearing beside her. “Oh you silly little frog, what do you want me to do?” With a splash she threw the bucket into the pool and let it fill with semi clear water. “Shall I tell you about Paden?” The frog turned to watch the bucket, and Amira thought she saw sadness and jealousy in his eyes. “Paden is my best friend, though he begins to be so much more than that. Mr, Frog, you have no idea how much I like him, and he likes me too.” Now the frog drew away even more, and this time the jealousy was obvious. “What? You can’t be jealous.” Amira reached over and took up the frog in her fingers. The creature squirmed a bit, but not near as much as any normal frog should have. Laughing, Amira closed her eyes as tightly as she could and puckered out her lips in an exaggerated kiss. “Muuua!” She laughed, set the frog back on the wall, wiped her lips, pulled out her bucket and turned to run back through the mud to her house.
“Wait, my princess, you won’t leave me now?” Amira turned around slowly, half afraid and half curious. As she turned she was expecting to see that the little frog was speaking, and that would have been terrifying enough. Instead she saw a young man standing with eyes the color of the sky on a clear day. His hair was lighter than Amira’s and fell around his face perfectly around his face. Only his nose was slightly crooked and imperfect, the rest of his appearance was that of an angel.
“Where did you come from?” she asked, her voice quiet and amazed.
“Well, I’ve been here for a while actually. I apologize for forgetting to introduce myself; your beauty was too distracting.” The boy bowed and gently kissed one of Amira’s hands. “I am Prince Tavin, at your service. I must admit I am a bit bewildered, and I need some time to regain my bearings and reclaim my throne before I can offer you my marriage.”
“Wait a minute,” Amira stepped back and inspected the so-called prince. No doubt he was a prince, for he looked like nothing less. Amira remembered hearing stories of witches turning people into frogs, and made a mental note never to kiss another.
“Yes? Is there a problem?” Prince Tavin raised an eyebrow questioningly.
“What are you talking about? So, maybe I did make the mistake of kissing a frog that turned out to be a person. That gives you no reason to think I would ever kiss you in different circumstances. Did you not hear what I told the frog? I already have my prince. A silly boy in a frilly shirt is not going to change my mind. I have chores to do now, if you’ll excuse me.”
“Wait, this Paden, where does he live?”
“Why do you think I would tell you? I gave you your kiss, just be happy that you no longer have to eat flies and let me alone.” Amira turned on her heals and took off as quickly as she could without spilling the water. Behind her the prince stood in shock, bewilderment taking over his face.


“You finally decided to come back?” Paden was in his usual spot among the leaves of the oak. As soon as Amira walked out from among the trees and into view he slid down and went forward to meet her. Before he reached her he slowed down, cautiously stepping around a big puddle. “You aren’t mad at me about dancing last night, are you?” Uncertainty seemed to ease out of him, and Amira couldn’t help but set down the bucket and wrap her arms around him.
“Mad? I could never be mad at you, Paden,” she whispered in his ear, and she could feel his smile pressed against her neck.
“Your mother was calling you; you should probably go see what she wants.” Paden tightened his hug for a few seconds before letting her go.
“Chores, no doubt.” Amira walked away slowly, wondering how and when she would tell him about the prince. After a few steps she turned again, just in time to see Paden walking quickly towards the trees.


Amira finished working and made a quick round of the farm in search of Paden. She then turned to his house which was only ten minutes away if she walked quickly. A mass of clouds still carpeted the sky and a few chirps emanated from behind bushes and trees. The path ran like a little snake through the woods; each turn was lined with rocks and grass. As she walked a toad flopped in front of her. His skin was a mix of brown and yellow, with huge warts and specks of darker brown.
“Oh what, do you want a kiss too?” Amira kicked at the toad, which immediately scurried into the safety of trees. A few seconds later Amira heard footsteps ahead, and she hurried around the corner ready to jump into Paden’s arms. Instead she stopped short just inches away from the prince.
“Your highness.” Tavin immediately bowed his head. “I came to apologize.”
“Did you follow me here?” Amira’s smile drooped and she tried to push past him. Tavin simply pushed ahead and stood with her hands on his waist blocking the path.
“You are so very stubborn. I believe the girl who gives me my lifesaving kiss is then supposed to fall in love with me, is she not?” Tavin spoke with the voice of one who honestly believes the words he is saying.
“I don’t know, but if so then it must have been someone else who gave you that kiss.”
“Come, gorgeous green eyes, you needn’t sound so angry. If you give me a chance I’ll teach you how to fall in love.” With a charming gesture Tavin placed his arm through Amira’s and began leading her back the way she had come.
“I already have a teacher,” Amira replied as a bird flew in front of them. Tavin groaned and then laughed as he saw how pink Amira’s cheeks had become. “But thank you for the offer.”
“Let me stay. Just for a few days?” Tavin stopped and stared down into Amira’s face. The sky above him was not as bright as the pleading in his eyes, and his dimpled cheeks were wrinkled in an attempt to pout.
“Fine,” Amira spun out of Tavin's grasp just in time to manage hiding her smile, “you can stay for a few days.”


Amira woke up to the sound of raindrops on the roof. Somewhere there was a hole; little drips fell like the twinkling noise of a shooting star. Outside the world was still and dark; a sliver of moon hung in stark contrast against the ocean of black. Tavin was sleeping in a back room, as was Paden across the trees.
Eventually the dusty fingers of the sun began to reach in through the window. A little pool had made a spot on the floor near Amira’s bed and as she traced the outline she found the shape of a heart. With a smile she tried to imagine Paden’s face gently waking her up and pulling her outside to be warmed by the descending light. Instead it was Tavin who was suddenly standing in front of her with a smile pasted on his perfect face.
“Good morning, princess,” he whispered, helping her sit up. Amira’s smile melted like the abandoned drops that still rolled down the window. Tavin tried to cover up his disappointment at her lack of happiness, but his eyes didn’t shine quite so brightly.
“Good morning, Tavin.” Amira stepped down, and her foot landed with a splash right over the heart. She quickly moved, but all that was left was a misshapen mirror. Sighing, Amira glanced back to the room where her parents where trying to catch up on their sleep before beginning the struggles of a new day.
“Come outside, it’s beautiful.” Tavin smiled hopefully and waited for an answer. “Please, princess?”
“I’m not a princess,” Amira stubbornly complained as she followed Tavin out the squeaky door. He laughed and pulled her into a patch of sun.
“You could be.” He winked and continued, “My palace really is unbelievable. The towers reach higher than the clouds, and I have windows made of the finest glass imaginable. I even have some windows made of colored glass that sends rainbows across the floor when the sun shines through. You could have anything you wanted. If you chose, you would never have to do any more work ever again! I’m leaving soon; all you have to do is come with me.”
Amira closed her eyes, allowing herself to imagine the world he painted out for her. The life of a princess was what any girl desired: fine clothes, people working for her, the best food, and a palace. She could hope for no better life. After a few seconds her eyes opened, and her imagined colored windows were replaced by the windows of the sunrise. Purple clouds descended like waves and mixed with the pinks and oranges below.
“I could never leave the farm, Tavin. This is my home.”


Paden arrived later than usual that day, walking down the path with his rough hands crossed over his chest. His hair hung in messy strands around his face and a cut stretched down his neck. It was a long time before he turned his gaze away from the dirt in search of Amira. The oak stood solemn and empty, with no one waiting on its branches. Disappointed, he scanned the rest of the farm, and saw her laughing in the grass with a boy wearing fancy clothes and walking with an aura of arrogance. For a few minutes he just stood in the shadows, watching. Yet when the boy moved closer to Amira and she didn’t push him away Paden bit his lip and ran back through the dividing woods.


“Paden, you didn’t come yesterday. I wanted to introduce you to someone.” Amira leaned over his shoulder to see what he was doing. As she watched him scrub the dishes she breathed deeply. He smelled like fresh wood, clean grass, and rain.
“I did. You were busy,” Paden replied curtly. He set down the dish beside the sink with a bang and moved away from Amira.
“Paden, he’s a friend.” Amira dropped her hands helplessly. “I don’t know what you saw, or think you saw.” Paden moved towards the door, and Amira followed as quickly as she could.
“Wait, let me explain, please?”
“I’ve never even heard of him before.” Paden continued walking, leaving Amira standing in the doorway.
“I just met him yesterday.” Amira murmured, feeling her heart break with the pain of having hurt Paden.
“Was it love at first sight then?” Each word hit Amira like an arrow; finally she fell to her knees with her head resting against the doorway.
“No, Paden…” Her words trailed into no more than a breath as Paden continued walking away from his house, away from his farm, away from her.


The day was agony. Amira’s mother was home early from the market. She insisted it was simply because she wanted to meet Tavin more, but the creases on her face showed Amira that it had been a bad day. No one said much during the small meal of bread and beans, except for Tavin. He filled every second of silence with stories of his castle and his kingdom. Amira’s mother listened dutifully, though the second the door swung open to reveal Amira’s father she was standing up and busying herself to avoid the task. Finally the moon began to rise and the house quieted down until finally falling into the silence of night.


In the morning Amira woke before anyone else and hurried outside before Tavin could begin her day for her. The sun had not yet risen, so she found her spot on the oak to wait. It wasn’t long before Paden’s shadow emerged from the trees and silently settled itself down beside her. A long silence followed as the sun stretched over the hills and forests and exhaled over the oak. It was only when the golden dust had settled over every inch of the tree that Amira finally spoke.
“He’ll never be as good as you, you know.” In response to Paden’s questioning face Amira whispered the whole story. “If you would just disappear I could be a princess.”
“I can do that.” Paden began to lower himself from the tree, but Amira caught his arm.
“I don’t want to be a princess,” she whispered. Paden stood under the branch with his arm gripped by Amira. With a small smile he pulled her down until she was helplessly caught in his arms.
“Amira, you will always, always, be my princess.”
A non-writing writer is a monster courting insanity. -Kafka

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136 Reviews



Gender: Female
Points: 2952
Reviews: 136
Thu Nov 24, 2011 3:14 am
Leahweird says...



What a wonderful story! Your pacing was good, your descriptions were enchanting, and I utterly adored your depiction of a girl in love. You are right though, in that it does seem to trail off towards the end. I think this springs from a lack of true conflict. Amira and Padin, are clearly made for eachother, and there was never any doubt who she would end up picking. Poor Tavin never stood a chance. Even when it looked like she was getting cozy with the prince, there was no sense of urgency.

Okay, so I've somehow set you the difficult task of adding drama to the piece with out the beautifully pure relatiionship your characters have. Good luck :P
  





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Fri Nov 25, 2011 6:15 pm
xDudettex says...



Hey there Cailey!

This story was so lovely. The way you wrote it allowed me to paint the scenes beautifully and the whole piece flowed nicely. It was easy to read too. There's nothing worse than feeling like you have to force yourself to read to the end. I know this piece is rather long, but I was a little sad that it didn't go on for longer. That's how much I enjoyed the read :)

I did get a little worried when you had the scene where she kisses the frog and then the prince appeared. It's a lot like a lot of fairytales and really unoriginal. But then you had her go against tradition by not falling in love with him, even though he was a prince and he was 'perfect', being able to give her the life she's always wanted. Knowing that she chose Paden over a prince and an easy life made me see how much she really loves Paden. It was so sweet!

I do have a tip for you when you format the piece.

“I would be honored, my prince.” The rain continued for hours, playing a song for the two dancers. They swayed and whispered in the dimming light. For a while it was as if the grimy walls and the dirt floor simply vanished, replaced by a golden palace with chandeliers and crimson carpets and an orchestra whose music was mixed with the magic of dreams.


The next morning was gray and wet. The rain had stopped, but the ground had become a mountain of mud interrupted by a few rivers that hadn’t had time to dry. Amira jumped over one such river, only to land with a splash in another.


Here, the scene change is a little sudden. To give the reader advanced warning that some time is going to have passed from the first scene to the next, I'd suggest putting some *** between the two paragraphs. It's a simple yet effective way of easing the transition between scenes. Do that between every scene change that has passed some time, and you'll be good :)

I did spot some spelling mistakes, particularly in the first half of the piece, but I can't seem to find them again. No worries though as proof reading will sort them right out.

I hope this helps, and thanks for the great read. The ending made me smile!

xDudettex
'Stop wishing for the sunshine. Start living in the rain.' - Kids In Glass Houses.

'Would you destroy something perfect in order to make it beautiful?' - MCR artwork.
  





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Mon Jan 02, 2012 1:26 am
TheEaseDropper says...



I love love love this
TheEaseDropper :)
  





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Mon Jan 02, 2012 6:04 pm
Tabithalillian says...



I'm not much of a nitty gritty critique giver, but I tripped across this story and felt I needed to give my two cents.

I absolutely loved this, it's kind of the cliche love triangle, girl has two boys, girl has to pick. So to be honest, at first I was very worried. But you managed to pull it off nicely, the heroin never faltered from the boy she knew she loved and that was refreshing. The descriptions were excellent examples of "show don't tell". I could see the story unfold and honestly felt as if I was watching something rather than reading it. The personalities of each character shone through nicely, which is hard to capture in a short story.

Another thing I loved was how the lead female never decided "I have to marry this prince for my family...", this mindset is all to common in these types of stories. She came across and confident in what she wanted and she stayed with this mindset until the end which so few writers do with young and in love females in their story.

All in all, a very refreshing story and you managed to use a somewhat cliched idea and make it into something new and original. I loved it. Keep writing.
Living in a tower
  








Education is education. We should learn everything and then choose which path to follow. Education is neither Eastern or Western; it is human.
— Malala