Young Writers Society

--this is the middle of my first story that i'm writing. (i'm more of a drawer, i just needed a story to complement my drawing for some competition thing, so forgive me if it's not great) the two characters are at a camp, and had just finished their paired activity. the guy's a player and the girl is an ordinary girl who, as a young girl, used to sit on her bed and wish on a star that she'd fine true love in a guy. thanks for reading, and please give me advice on making it more of an interesting story, what i could do to continue it, where i could make it more in depth, etc. comments and advice would be greatly appreciated!


We located our swim bags, sitting next to each other on the curb.

"Next time, I'm gonna be someone else's partner. I can't understand your mind," he abruptly told me, breaking my spirit.

I retorted, "Friends don't dump each other." I crossly looked away.
I couldn't understand why. What had I done wrong?

He sat there, staring into the sky, with its iridescent, vibrant mixture of reds, oranges, and purple. Time slowly passed, and we avoided each other's eyes. In the distance, our tour guide pointed to something in the dark fields behind me. The wind caressed along the surface of my skin, the trees and grass rustling in the breeze. Suddenly, I felt hands on my back. I glanced up, surprised to see his eyes boring deep into mine. He turned and pointed to an innocent-looking house in the horizon, brown and rugged with age. He held me tight as it burst into flames and slowly faded away into the beautiful sky. I gaped with sorrow, and he turned my face back to him.

He stroked my face, whispering, "I'm sorry...I'm sorry..." over and over again.
I lowered my head, but could feel him gazing at me, as the people around us faded into the background.

"I admit it. I've hurt a lot of people in the past...."

I looked up at him, my eyes softening, then quickly glancing back down. I traced an intricate pattern with my finger on the ground, refusing to give in to the magnet pulling me closer.

"I'm afraid. You and me...I felt something...when we first looked at each other...."

He paused for what felt like an eternity, his breath shortening in preparation for the rest of his thoughts to come tumbling out.

He continued, "I've never felt this way before; like there's a strange connection between us. I'm so confused...I'm afraid of hurting you."

I put my hand on his chest, slowly lifting my head. His eyes desperately searched for mine, and I traced his beautiful face delicately with my finger. His lips, ears, nose...everything that I dreamed of as a little girl. His eyes though, captivated me with the intensity and sparkling mix of green and blues. My hand on his chest lifted as he took a deep breath and opened his mouth to speak.

"Then, as I sat here, I imagined a life without you. Without seeing your precious face everyday, without holding your hand in mine, without stroking your long, soft hair that glistens in the sun. It made me feel like there was a great black hole in my heart, sucking everything left living for into it."

A lone tear slipped through the corner of his eye, and slowly slid down his cheek. I reached up and gracefully wiped it off his face. He picked the prettiest flower I had ever seen, entangled it into my hair, and fondled it, warming my back. I dug my face into his chest, smelling his earthly scent, him holding me like he never wanted to let go. I couldn't believe that the guy of my dreams had fallen for an ordinary girl like me. We held each other for hours; long after everyone else had gone.

We slowly stood up, and walked back to the shining lights that marked our campsite.

He sang to me softly, "Firefly you drew me to you, your beauty shines and lights up the sky...and you don’t know it," his beautiful voice overpowering the whistling of the cool night breeze.

I knew we would have some explaining to do once we got back, but it would be all okay as long as my hands were still in his. ♥

Hello,

The first thing for me personally that was evident was your impressive writing style! This is really well written; you illustrate the scene’s beautifully with your descriptions. I have vivid images of all the characters which is always a positive. Dialogue is strong, this once again creates more of a connection with the characters. Very enjoyable piece, look forward to reading more!

Ben

Hey!
I really liked this piece, it was sweet, especially the singing part.
Nitpicks~

kacheektan146 wrote: I can't understand your mind

I think this sounds a bit off... maybe you could rephrase it as "I don't understand your way of thinking"

kacheektan146 wrote:he abruptly told me, breaking my spirit.

I think you should end the sentence at "abruptly told me" and be more descriptive about the spirit-breaking part in the next sentence.

kacheektan146 wrote:He paused for what felt like an eternity, his breath shortening in preparation for the rest of his thoughts to come tumbling out.

I think the second half of the sentence can be improved for clarity. how about this--his breath beginning to shorten to prepare for the thought that were going to come tumbling out.
Other than that, great piece
Keep writing!

Hi, I'm going to review your piece. It's short and sweet. Let's start.

We located our swim bags, sitting next to each other on the curb.

"Next time, I'm gonna be someone else's partner. I can't understand your mind," he abruptly told me, breaking my spirit.

I retorted, "Friends don't dump each other." I crossly looked away.

I couldn't understand why. What had I done wrong?

I'm just like the MC now, I don't understand. I do not know what is going on right now. I know it's a part of your story that you're writing, but you really should just add some history. Because I have no clue who they are and why they are mad at each other. I don't know what had happened. It's part of a story so I understand why you don't expect us to care their history since it's part of something bigger and that history is there, but actually, we need the history. Add more from the story onto this or just add the story and then I'll understand.

He sat there, staring into the sky, with its iridescent, vibrant mixture of reds, oranges, and purple. Time slowly passed, and we avoided each other's eyes. In the distance, our tour guide pointed to something in the dark fields behind me. The wind caressed along the surface of my skin, the trees and grass rustling in the breeze. Suddenly, I felt hands on my back. I glanced up, surprised to see his eyes boring deep into mine. He turned and pointed to an innocent-looking house in the horizon, brown and rugged with age. He held me tight as it burst into flames and slowly faded away into the beautiful sky. I gaped with sorrow, and he turned my face back to him.

He stroked my face, whispering, "I'm sorry...I'm sorry..." over and over again.

Wait; what is going on now? Why is he apologizing?

I lowered my head - but could feel him gazing at me, as the people around us faded into the background.

You shouldn't use a comma, just a dash.

"I admit it; I've hurt a lot of people in the past...."

Semi-Colon, not period.

I looked up at him, my eyes softening, then quickly glancing back down. I traced an intricate pattern with my finger on the ground, refusing to give in to the magnet pulling me closer.

"I'm afraid. You and me...I felt something...when we first looked at each other...."

He paused for what felt like an eternity, his breath shortening in preparation for the rest of his thoughts to come tumbling out.

He continued, "I've never felt this way before; like there's a strange connection between us. I'm so confused...I'm afraid of hurting you."

I put my hand on his chest, slowly lifting my head. His eyes desperately searched for mine, and I traced his beautiful face delicately with my finger. His lips, ears, nose...everything that I dreamed of as a little girl. His eyes though, captivated me with the intensity and sparkling mix of green and blues. My hand on his chest lifted as he took a deep breath and opened his mouth to speak.

"Then, as I sat here, I imagined a life without you. Without seeing your precious face everyday, without holding your hand in mine, without stroking your long, soft hair that glistens in the sun. It made me feel like there was a great black hole in my heart, sucking everything left living for into it."

A lone tear slipped through the corner of his eye, and slowly slid down his cheek. I reached up and gracefully wiped it off his face. He picked the prettiest flower I had ever seen, entangled it into my hair, and fondled it, warming my back. I dug my face into his chest, smelling his earthly scent, him holding me like he never wanted to let go. I couldn't believe that the guy of my dreams had fallen for an ordinary girl like me. We held each other for hours; long after everyone else had gone.

We slowly stood up, and walked back to the shining lights that marked our campsite.

He sang to me softly, "Firefly you drew me to you, your beauty shines and lights up the sky...and you don’t know it," his beautiful voice overpowering the whistling of the cool night breeze.

I knew we would have some explaining to do once we got back, but it would be all okay as long as my hands were still in his.

OVERALL: I liked the basic idea of the story (even though you gave a blunt amount of detail and background information), I understood something. The MC loved the guy, and he loved her back but he didn't want to hurt her. A basic story and idea that everyone will love. I recommend that you add much more background information so that the readers (us) could understand what is going on. I got confused while reading the story, actually I was confused reading the whole thing. I just had no clue what was going on and why this certain event was even needed. I don't recommend to add just one part of a story because it will be confusing. Sometimes it will do that, because you always add information in the beginning,middle and end. You just add information on occasion.

Your grammar was good, a bit confusing at times for reason being you added way too much detail. Used words people don't even understand. Maybe they understand, just never use it. People are just not used to reading some words you wrote. Just switch the words to something more understandable. We don't want to be reading with dictionaries.
Like iridescent and intricate.

PM me anytime for review and read!

Keep Writing!

Nike