Young Writers Society

A rogue raindrop finds its way to the pale skin of my overly large forehead. I don’t have the strength or want to wipe it away so I let it run its course down my chin until it settles on the nape of my neck. I no longer care that my once perfect mascara has melted its way down my face leaving all too prominent streaks. Nor do I care that my phone keeps ringing and ringing. Most of all I don’t care that it’s Jace on the other end. I mean why would I care about the love of my life who just happens to be a maddened serial killer. So maybe serial killer doesn’t really fit Jace. It’s more like vampire, but who really keeps track of titles. Of course a human dating an adorable vampire is really cliché so I’ll go with serial killer. I mean I’ve never been into those ridiculous clichés like love at first sight or vulnerable human follows for powerful but unhappy vampire. Jace isn’t like that Edward guy. He is decisive, strong, and without human blood in his system he burns in the daylight. For the record, he doesn’t smell like cookies. Jace will never go to high school since he already knows more than most scholars, I mean wouldn’t you if you were 500 years old.
Hold on, I’m getting way too far ahead of myself. Why would I tell you, dear reader, all my little secrets? Who really wants to know about a not so normal girl falling for an all to extraordinary guy. That’s. Right, I forgot, everyone, so here it goes. I met Jace in a quiet little book store on the corner of Fletcher and Main. The shop was called Mi Amore and was owned by a little old woman with a big white cat. I came in once every few days to straighten up the shelves and restock. In return she paid me in books, glorious books. I had been away at a summer writing camp and had only returned a day ago. When I came into the shop it was beyond disarray. Books lay in piles all around the little shop, even the carefully organized magazines and jewelry were in the wrong place. When I saw the little old lady she simply shrugged, this is why she had “hired” me I began to organize, picking books up and putting them into their places. When I had found my way to the back of the store I got the surprise of my life. Lying on my precious window seat was a tall, dark, and handsome guy. Of course features don’t matter when it comes to my window seat. That was my place of solace, my quiet hiding spot. I ran up to little old Miss. Bea and asked her who in the world was laying on my seat, that section of the store is for staff/Me only. With my luck Miss. Bea only said that he was meant to be here then walked away. At that moment I thought Bea was the oddest woman on earth, man was I wrong.

You had me intrigued with your story, the rain falling, perfect mascara dripping, phone ringing and ringing... I thought it was beautiful. Until you started talking about how you were dating a vampire. Vampire love stories are way too overused. And personally, I think they're ridiculous. But I'm a huge fan of the series Vampire Diaries. I think if this had just been a piece talking about the pain in a relationship, like I thought it was going to be, it would be great! Especially if you continued your writing voice from the beginning.
I feel like you abruptly jumped into the extreme plot points without doing enough character development. I would love to hear more about the old bookstore owner! She sounded pretty funny, and I wanted the strange relationship/deal to be further explained. I like how the first impression of the vampire is a negative one, it creates lots of interest.
So... I think you have a pretty good story going, I would suggest going back over it and expanding the points you've created, and just add more details. Explain everything more.
I didn't see any notable grammar errors or anything, so good job on that!
I really love how you started this piece out, and would love it if you expanded that more.
Good job! I hope you keep writing! I want to read more of this.

Nice pun in the title! There are a few grammos and typos.

misstoria wrote:Jace will never go to high school since he already knows more than most scholars, I mean wouldn%u2019t you if you were 500 years old.

"Jace would never go to high school since he already knows more than most scholars. I mean, wouldn't you if you were 500 years old?"

misstoria wrote:That%u2019s. Right, I forgot, everyone, so here it goes.

"That's right, I forgot, everyone, so here goes."

misstoria wrote:When I saw the little old lady she simply shrugged, this is why she had %u201Chired%u201D me I began to organize, picking books up and putting them into their places.

"When I saw the little old lady, she simply shrugged. This was why she had "hired" me. I began to organise, picking up books and putting them into their places."

misstoria wrote:I ran up to little old Miss. Bea and asked her who in the world was laying on my seat, that section of the store is for staff/Me only. With my luck Miss. Bea only said that he was meant to be here then walked away. At that moment I thought Bea was the oddest woman on earth, man was I wrong.

"I ran up to old Miss Bea and asked her who in the world was lying on my seat, when that section of the store was for staff/me only. With my luck, Miss Bea only said that he was meant to be there and walked away. At that moment I thought that Miss Bea was the oddest person on earth. Man, was I wrong."

I think there might be a few more typos in there, but altogether a good story, with a few jabs at the common teen romance novel.

Hey there misstoria!

I like the way the MC talks to the reader. It's a great way of making us really hear her voice and find out what kind of person she is. I loved that we got to know quite a bit about her in such a short piece; she loves reading and writing. She helps out in the bookstore. She likes order. She's dating a vampire.

See, that last point almost turns me off of your story completely. Yes, I'm guilty of reading the Twilight saga and of loving the Vampire Diaries series, but that's my point. There's just too much of it around at the moment. That's what's such a shame. You have potential for a great story here. I loved how she instantly disliked the guy in the window seat, just because he was in her spot. I find myself wanting to read on, wondering what their first coversation will be like, but the vampire thing comes back to bite me. Oh, I had to do it

I mean, if you were to change Jace into a normal guy, non-vampire and ordinary, then I think I'd want to read on. I'm a sucker for romance stories and ones where the girl dislikes the guy at first, even though we all know they're going to end up together, are sort of my favourite. But knowing that Jace is a vampire and things could get all angsty and fantasy-like, kind of seals the deal when it comes to whether I'm going to read on or not.

The MC has a great humour to her voice, something else that I love when it comes to characters and books, and I liked the way she was so off-hand when she was describing everything. It really was great.

So yeah, if you decide to turn Jace into a human when you post more, let me know. As for vampires, I think I've had my fill of them for a while.

xDudettex

Hey Misstoria! I'm Rose, and I'll be reviewing this piece today!

So, you went with a story about vampires, huh? Oh well. It's not my taste (Twilight ruined it for me), but to each his own. If you like it, it's cool. Your opinion is most important.

My feelings about the topic aside, I see some good raw material here. The way you write is actually quite nice. However, the way you structured this piece isn't. I'll show you why.

A rogue raindrop finds its way to the pale skin of my overly large forehead.

First of all, what is a rogue raindrop? And second, I don't feel like describing your character as having an 'overly large forehead' creates a good opening sentence. I almost started laughing because I immediately pictured the Red Queen from Alice and Wonderland being your MC, and I know that that wasn't supposed to happen. I feel like you can express your character's imperfections and flaws in a different way than this.

The second thing about the structure of this piece that I find issue with is the way that you've organized it into two enormous paragraph. I don't feel like that's a good choice. You've managed to cram all of your information into the paragraphs, but that's not what you meant to do, is it? No! You never want your writing to feel crammed. Let's put it this way. If you had a horse that you loved very much, would you enclose it in a corral the size of your living room? No! You'd want to give it a large field with plenty of space for it to relax in. Do the same thing with your writing. If you love it, take care of it. Therefore, give it space.

A rogue raindrop finds its way to the pale skin of my overly large forehead. I don’t have the strength or want to wipe it away, so I let it run its course down my chin until it settles on the nape of my neck. I no longer care that my once perfect mascara has melted its way down my face, leaving all too prominent streaks; nor do I care that my phone keeps ringing and ringing.

This, in my opinion, would be a better opening. I suggest breaking down the rest of this piece into paragraphs roughly this size (you can go a few sentences larger, if you'd like). It'd make your writing cleaner and more organized. Also, I see quite a few sentences that run together. Stop, take a deep breath, and take time to break them down. I promise you that it will make your writing more enjoyable. It will be difficult at first, but once you get used to it, it'll become second nature.

Remember, if you love what you'll write, you'll take care of it. And by taking care of it, I mean writing it in a way that makes it sound good and you feel good. Always keep writing!

-Rose