Young Writers Society

It's a short story I've written, and I was obviously inspired from Nick Cave's song 'As I Sat Sadly By Her Side and Tom Waits' 'November'.
________________________________________________

He didn't know whether he should do this again. It wasn't the right thing to do, but he wanted to have a chance, he wanted to hear the truth and know everything that lied hidden behind her cold face. Then he could depart, and he would get the chance to forsake this dull and tiresome life of his. For once he desired to be the one who goes away.
Gently he pushed the small door before her house's front yard. By the time he was before her door his heart was beating like a hammer and he would swear that if it kept beating this way, it would jump out of his chest and he would die, eternally yearning for her. Somehow that thought pleased him. He'd really enjoy it if one day he perished and she was the first to know. Maybe then she would feel guilt, like a child that lied to her father, or she could even realize that she loved him still. To do this one would need guts. Something he lacked, or better lost long ago. Along with his guts he had lost his dignity, his pride and the will to feel happy, or even smile. Did it matter? I don't think so. I remember he once stated that all that mattered for him was to make her feel even the slightest emotion.
He was just staring at the door's knob, wishing he could just turn it, and get in. Then everything would be just like it used to, and maybe she would be in there, sitting on her favorite sofa, smiling and just listening to Leonard Cohen and reading for the hundredth time Charles Bukowski's 'Women'.
When he finally got a grip back on reality, for once again he raised his hand, and he was knocking on the door. Again and again and again. He spent about fifteen minutes just waiting for her to appear, but that was nothing new. It was like a thing he was obliged to do on a daily basis. Nobody forced him, except for himself. Abruptly she turned the key, unlocked the door and looked at his jaded face, and then straight in to his eyes, that had the color of sapphire. After a few seconds he started breathing again, and wondered if his mind was playing games. But no. She was there, standing still and emotionless.
She turned away from him and paced towards the window next to the red velvet sofa. He followed, bewitched by her scent. The only thing that remained the same. Blandly he sat next to her. “Why would someone keep coming back to a place of such distress and tormentation?”she asked. “I don't understand what you are talking about anymore.” he replied and looked at the world that fell outside the window. The cat came up to her, and sat in her lap. She stroked it mechanically, distant from any real feeling of affection, and slightly pressed her face onto the glass.
“Watch the one falling in the street. See him calling out for a helping hand, while all others pass him by. All outward motion connects to nothing for each is concerned with their immediate need.” he broke the silence. She stared at him with her wide open black eyes, gradually devouring his soul. The cat jumped off her lap and landed on the wooden floor, that creaked with the slightest move.
She shut the curtains and responded “When will you ever learn that what happens beyond the looking glass is absolutely non of your concern? God scorns your benevolence just as he scorns the absence of it in everybody else, nor does he care whether you abhor the world He has created or not!”. And then she turned her head elsewhere with endless tears leaping from her eyes, when a smile he could not wipe off started spreading on his pale face.




“I once lived. I still can recall happy times, but my memories with the passing of time are slowly becoming atrocious lies. Every single thing we went through together had its meaning, even though I can't understand it anymore. I can't tell any other stories from my life, for the past is done and it'll never come back. The last thing I felt on me was a rose. Maybe then she felt something too.”

No shadow, no stars, no moon, no cars November, it only believes in a pile of dead leaves and a moon that's the color of bone. What a strange November, this November was.

First of all , it was really good , it kept me hooked on , but at places my attention would get diverted , and I really like this line , it's fresh "it would jump out of his chest and he would die, eternally yearning for her " but one thing I didn't understand was that what had happened between them ? and you've written a line (I think , it's right , not sure but i think you'll the line) "his heart was hammering" that was really not with the time you've written , like everything else was written in the past but that one line kind of made me upset and please describe them a bit more . Otherwise really good !!!!!

-Tanya / tanya98

Hey Tanyaa! Thank you so much for your review, so first of all what has happened between them I'd like to leave it up to you. I think it makes it more interesting this way, and about the tense I'm so sorry, but I didn't quite understand it, so please rephrase it:\ I'm so glad you liked it!<3

Hey there. ^^

First off, I'm not quite sure if you have pulled off the story well. Maybe because I got confused at some points about the relationship of the two characters. I think they weren't introduced very well, I don't think you managed to give us sufficient background information of your character's situation. And especially about the girl- she seems very blurry and mysterious to me. Perhaps show us more of her importance to your story- I mean, obviously, she is someone your main character is very concerned with- but what I really want to know is her deep connection to your MC. However, I am impressed well with your poetic sentences that it added somewhat a romantic and sugary effect that your story needed. You almost had it but you just to sort of organize your MC's thoughts very well. Even though the story wasn't specific in terms of your character's identity, I think it would have been also better if you have added more depth especially in terms of the environment or the atmosphere surrounding your character. The conflict itself didn't stand out well since it wasn't expressed clearly throughout the story. And I'm not even sure of the reason why the woman was acting sort of disappointed of your MC's presence. Honestly, I don't really know what the problem was or what was really going on. Maybe it's just me but you haven't really given us any clue. Was it because of her religious beliefs that kept them apart? I couldn't really tell. However, you have blended the emotions very well. I could feel the longing of your main character to the woman. So you deserve a pat on the shoulder. ^^

“When will you ever learn that what happens beyond the looking glass is absolutely non of your concern? God scorns your benevolence just as he scorns the absence of it in everybody else, nor does he care whether you abhor the world He has created or not!”

I scratched my head at this part. Maybe because how it sounded awkwardly. I couldn't really tell how unusual the dialogs that came from her mouth. She speaks like the story is in different time and don't get me wrong, I have nothing against this- maybe because this is just your style- but it kind of destroyed the flow of your story. I have witnessed some of your character's uncommon conversations even before the highlighted statement. Try listening to your parents or even to your classmates as to how they speak to any person- notice how natural they talk, unlike the forced ones. So try applying that throughout your story.

Grammar wise, you tend to phrase your sentences awkwardly that I have quite stumble onto something- making me to pause and read a sentence more than twice to fully comprehend what you're trying to portray in the story. Thus it creates less suspense and interest to read the story. So check for your grammatical errors such as your misplaced punctuation and your sentence structure. Just as they say, practice makes perfect because as what I noticed, you're struggling very well when it comes to your prose. So write and proofread before confidently posting anything. In that way, readers would focus more to your story than to its technicalities.

All in all, this has potential. What you're offering right now can be so much better. Just fix the wheel and the car will run smoothly. Let me know if you have any questions. I apologize too if you see this review vague since it's been centuries since I have written one and to the fact that I wrote this review twice since when I clicked "Submit", the page went error- the first time. So yeah, I have to write down my thoughts and opinions again. I hope this review was helpful in some ways. ^^

Keep writing,
Yuri

Ok, so let me start by saying again that the story (and the phrase of the woman you quoted) was inspired by 2 songs. I have really fallen in love with its lyrics that go like this:

hen she drew the curtains down
And said, "When will you ever learn
That what happens there beyond the glass
Is simply none of your concern?
God has given you but one heart
You are not a home for the hearts of your brothers

And God does not care for your benevolence
Anymore than he cares for the lack of it in others
Nor does he care for you to sit
At windows in judgement of the world He created

but I didn't want to just throw it in the story unchanged. And now about the mystery of the characters, their lives, and everything else it was my choice to leave it up to the reader, but maybe I overdid it a little. Anyway, I really really thank you a lot for your review, I'll definately take your advice under consideration, and please if you could find some spare time I'd be thankful if you sent me a PM concerning my grammatical errors^^