Young Writers Society

"Hey! Wait up!" Eric called, rushing down the halls as he threw his back pack over his shoulder. Ginny glanced over her shoulder and was surprised to see him looking at her. She slowed down, tucking a strand of her long, dark hair behind her ear.
"Don't you have to go to some sports practice or something?" she asked Eric once he caught up with her. He was at least three inches taller than her, with wide, athletic shoulders and frazzled, golden hair.
"Naw," he said, "football practice got called off 'cause it's raining." Ginny nodded, her straight hair bobbing.
"So," she said, "why d'you want to talk to me?" She shifted her AP math and science textbooks to one arm so she could straighten her silver-framed glasses that perched on her mouse-like nose.
"Here, let me get that," Eric said, taking the books from her.
"Thank you," she said, blushing ever so slightly.
"I need some answers," he said, staring her down with his dark brown eyes, "why do you act so wierd around me?" She tilted her head and raised a thin eyebrow up at him.
"Weird? What do you mean?" her blush growing from a pale pink to a deeper rose, like petals fallen on her cheeks.
"Like that!" he said, "you always have this odd blush when you see me, like you're embarrassed or something. It's kinda cute. And you're always either staring at me with those ice blue eyes that pierce my soul, or you'll barely look at me. It's freaky. Why?" Ginny glances down at her small tennis shoes on her tiny, delicate feet, her fair hiding her face. She looked back to him, a giggle bubbling from her throat, the sound like bells ringing clearly and quietly.
"And then there's that,' Eric said, caught off-guard, "everytime you laugh, my heart seems to jump out of my throat. How do you do that?" They reached Ginny's locker, and she doesn't answer as she opened it and arranged her books in it, pulling out her light blue back pack and neatly packing her books into it.
"Everytime you're around me," Eric said, talking faster, "I feel... happy. And when you leave I feel, well, disappointed. I can't stop thinking about you during fourth period and anticipating seeing you during fifth. And then when I do get to fifth, I can't even concentrate. All I can do is stare at you, with your thin, nimble fingers, your beautiful, even scroll, your hair seeming to glimmer. Why is that? What did you do? Why can't I take my eyes off of you?"
Ginny turns around, slinging her backpack on the shoulder. Eric hadn't realized how close they were until she turned to face her. He can feel her soft breath on his chin as she looks up at him. His heart seemed to stop for a second.
She stands on tiptoes and kisses his cheek. It's a quick kiss, barely a brush, softer than a whisper, but Eric will never forget it. It left him frozen to the spot.
"It's because you love me," she says in her quiet voice. Eric could do nothing but stare at her as she made her way down the now empty hall. But just before she turned the corner, he found his voice.
"But do you love me?" he asked.
Ginny doesn't say anything. She just turns back toward him, smiles slightly, and gives a quick nod of her head. Then she disappeared around the corner.

They barely ever left each others' sides since that day. Now, eight years later exactly, Eric will propose to Ginny, who still makes his heart jump, who still blushes around him, and who still arrests his gaze and holds it, piercing him through. Eric is a nervous wreck. Ginny is clueless he's even thought of asking her to marry him, much less gotten a ring. She will say yes.

I liked it. It was a very short story but it made my heart sing again for it makes me remember someone. You made a very good beginning and ended it well. Thumbs up! Keep writing.

it made me go "aw". I liked it, though i felt the guy was kind of dumb for not having figured it out himself. :p

Hi there tgirly. 'Tis Lavvie.

I am not a huge fan of this story. I've read multiple stories that are just like this one, but with different names, perhaps a different setting. More often than not, though, these teenage love stories are set in a school. Sometimes the characters are shy, sometimes bold. Nevertheless, it's always the same.

I am encouraging to develop something unique. Despite the fact your story idea is dreadfully cliche, there is always the possibility and option of taking something like this and twisting it so it isn't as cliche. However, I am the reviewer and you the writer in this case and so it is up to you. But perhaps I can guide you into the right direction. It's like learning how to successfully parallel park: there's only so much an instructor tell you but the rest is up for you to deduce the knowledge. Think of any situation, be it romantic or not, and see what you can do with it from there. For example, instead of having Eric and Ginny pretty much confess their undying love for each other between classes in a typical high school setting, you may want to write something longer, a little more sappy, probably still cliche, but it'll be a lot more interesting and a little less cliche nonetheless. Perhaps you might want to include a few paragraphs describing Ginny and Eric when they were little? Did Eric and Ginny make and eat mud pies together? Did they have fun building snow forts during the winter time? Usually, a childhood scene can strike a note within someone's gooey heart and it'll make in interesting. It's desperately cliche, still, but there's only so much once can do with the American Love Story.

Secondly, I'd like you to question the dialog. Look at it and think to yourself: would somebody actually say that? Both Eric and Ginny's lines feel extremely scripted and stuff, especially Eric's. He is too blunt and bold and it almost alludes to the fact he may possibly mentally behind. Which he is not, I don't think. A real person may be blunt and bold, but there are limits, naturally. I've heard many people complain about writing dialog and not just because of how anal punctuation can seem in relation to it, but also because they find it hard to write dialog. It is not that hard at all, actually. First, when you tell yourself it's hard, then you will then think it is. In a way, you are convincing yourself of something untrue. Dialog is easier when you write it like you speak it. Think of how you converse with other people of various backgrounds: children, teenagers, adults, seniors, the elderly. When you write dialog, remember little tics of talking, perhaps certain words. The more realistic your dialog is, the better the prose part of the story will be. I promise you.

On the third note, it is rushed at the end. Not so much throughout the walking/talking scene between Eric and Ginny, but when all of a sudden you're jumping to Eight Years Later. This always annoys me. Personally, it makes me think the writer became lazy and just wanted to sum everything up in three lines. Remember, even though they are characters, that since they are characters, they have a life. Would you like eight years of your life to be summarized in three sentences? No? I didn't think so. Write the details or don't write anything at all. In this case, since it's better off as a short story, I highly suggest you completely eliminate the last paragraph since it only the drags story out a redundant amount of time.

If you have any questions about this review, don't hesitate to drop me a line.

Yours,
Lavvie

Yay! Your stories never disappoint.
I wanted something short to read that wouldn't take a lot of time because I'm lazy (as you should know well Tally-wa) and this is perfect.
Now, because I think you've earned it, I shall give an actual review, though it won't be long. (Really, do we have to keep going over the whole lazy thing?)
Hm... somewhat cliched, but in an adorable way. I like it anyways because, well, I'm a dork.

This part is good, descriptive and all that.

It's a quick kiss, barely a brush, softer than a whisper,

Kind of a cheese moment. Just Saying.

but Erice will never forget it. It left him frozen to the spot.

And, with that, I shall go.
Seeya Tally!