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You make me feel



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Mon Dec 05, 2011 6:00 pm
tanya98 says...



*sigh* Here goes nothing .

I woke up around six this morning . How? hmm lets see, my step mom was screaming at the top of her lungs 'Hazel come down now!.' I took a deep breath and said 'Coming Angie and it's Haley' . She shouted back at me and said 'Same thing' .
I ignored her last comment and ran in the bathroom . I looked at myself in the mirror . I stared at my dark brown curly hair and I admired the way it went with my skin and eyes . The three of them complemented each other . I quickly had a bath and put on my denim shorts , my red t-shirt , my black converse and left my hair the way it was . I strapped on my G-shock watch and grabbed my bag . See I wasn't the type of girl that owned dresses or heels or any other kind of that stuff . I didn't pay that much attention to me (well except for my grey eyes , brown hair and skin nothing else) . I ran down the stairs and saw Angie standing their waving around her phone bill in the air and shouting at someone on the phone . I saw a dark figure sitting on the couch . I leaned forward from behind the counter from the kitchen and saw my brother Hayden sitting there . I ran towards him and gave him a big hug . I think he didn't notice me when I came down cause he got scared when I ran and gave him the hug .
I pulled back and smiled at him and said "So how was the trip to India"
Hayden ran a hand through his blond hair (an irritating habit) "you would have loved it there"
He showed me photo's of him on a camel , On the beach , eating a thing called "pani-puri" and so on .
I sat adjacent to him on the couch and we said nothing . Our bond was always close . We knew we couldn't depend on our dad to be there for our basketball matches or baseball matches or anything else and neither could we count on Angie , We never liked her . We only put up with her because of dad , after mom left him ( two years back when I was fourteen or something ) He found Angie and said that "Angie was an angel sent down from heaven to him" I nearly puked .
"Well Hayden my boy how nice to see you" Angie said giving her 'I-missed-you-and-I-love-you ' smile .
"Same here" My brother said . Angie looked at me and said "Well I guess you finally came down"
"Angie please you woke me up at six and its just six thirty ."
"Anyways Hazel go and get my medicine from the pharmacy"
"Its Haley and okay give me the money"
"your earning go and buy it"
"That's my pocket money and my lunch money"
I walked up from the couch and opened the fridge and found a doughnut and started putting it in my mouth and before I could take a bite Angie pulled it from my mouth and said while giving me a plastic smile "Own money"
I looked at the time and saw it was seven and I had to reach to the restaurant in fifteen minutes . I gave my brother a hug and said my goodbyes and ran outside and sat on my cycle and cycled . I could see the restaurant , just a minute left . Thirty seconds . I stopped abruptly and jumped off my bike and landed on my feet and ran into the kitchen . Just a second before seven fifteen . It was seven a.m. fourteen minutes and fifty nine seconds . On time and still looking good . I put on my hair net and apron and walked towards Jake , my boyfriend for six months . He had black hair and jet black eyes ,he was tall and muscular . I went near him and gave him and a peck on the cheek and said "Hey you"
"Uh ? Haley ! , listen you have to be a waiter now on wards" He said while returning the peck on my cheek .
"But why ? I mean I don't mind but why ?" I said astonished . I stepped back from him .
"I don't know but I got orders from up" He said while taking a step forward and cupping my hands and kissed me , it felt nice , a pleasure , a spark I don't know and then he gave me a quick hug and said "Friday night date night meet me here nine p.m. okay" I nodded .
I went to Zack , the person who was in charge of serving . He was my good friend . Wondering "was" ? . Yeah since I started dating Jake , my whole world had changed . I was getting invited to more party's , I was on the top five list of whose hot . Lets just say my world had changed drastically , and I loved it . Zack ran a hand through his brown hair and looked up at me with his brown eye's and gave me his dimpled smile and I smiled back .
"So Haley , um , get your apron from back the cupboard and make yourself look pretty and once your done yeah um , um-"
"I'll meet you here Zack " I said wryly and I walked towards the steel cupboard and took of the long white apron and put on the short black one and then I went to the washroom and applied mascara , eyeliner and a little gloss and I left my curly hair the way it was and walked out .As soon as Zack saw me it was like he froze , his jaw dropped a bit . I looked behind me making sure he wasn't looking at someone else .
"So now ? " I asked while slipping my hands into my pockets and standing there .
"You look nice" he said while staring at me , he didn't even blink and then all of a sudden he shook his head a little and said "Um since it's your first day I'll help you out okay just stand in a corner and watch me " . We both stepped outside and he walked towards the cashier and pulled out Menu's and walked towards a couple . He smiled and nodded his head quite a lot of times and then quickly jotted down something and repeated to them what he had jotted down . He turned around and briskly started walking my way .
"Just remember the customer is always right and you have to keep-" and before he could finish I screamed
"Bullshit ! I'm so sorry Zack but I have only ten minutes to reach school and first period is maths test" and while saying all this I removed my apron and tied up my hair . I didn't wait for his response I just ran out and started cycling as fast as I could . Was it me or was I running or cycling all the time ? . I reached in school just in time to hear the bell . I sat down breathlessly and wrote my paper . Surprisingly I was the first one to finish my paper and after giving my paper , I don't know what came over me , I started replaying Zack's smile in my head , the way his brown hair was exactly the colour of his eyes and the way it was so silky and lush , the way his hand moved ran through his hair and my thoughts vanished as soon as the bell rang . P.E.! , god I loved this period . I put on my gym clothes and shoes and ran to the gym class .
There I saw , we were going to play dog and the bone . Ms. Sanders had told us to pick partners and guess what Jake clearly saw me but chose the Bimbo Lana ! . I swear I could feel my face growing red and it went hot and when I felt embarressed and anger my outer part of the ear (Pinna) would go red and I knew that was happening . I turned my head and saw Zack standing there just watching . I walked up to him and asked "Hey don't you English right now ?" .
"Well I had , and out of the blue I got changed to your class and since no one knows me , I'm partner-less"
"Ah ! then be my partner
"okay" He said with a shrug .
Ms. Sanders spoke out loud and said " Okay I hope you bunch of daisies have picked your partners and now I'm gonna' choose your opponents , okay Haley Storm and new kid Zack, right ? up against Jake Glycer and Lana Bottom-" . Sander's kept on talking but I was too focused in defeating Jake . See once I'm you enemy , I do not rest until I'm satisfied . Ma'am blew the whistle and called out the number one , from my team I emerged and from the opposite side Jake emerged . We started going in circles . Finally I said "Jake look Lana shirtless" and immediately he turned his head towards Lana and in the meanwhile I took the bottle and ran to the safe side and well my team won . Well common it was Zack versus Lana ! , it was like chocolate versus spinach, respectively . I high-fived Zack and I gave him a friendly hug and walked towards the showers . The whole day passed on like that . Somehow in every thing I did Zack and me were paired together , like in English we both had to write about our perspective of Romeo and Juliet and in Hindi we had to tell out what we thought about the poem "panchvatti" . Once I reached home , I didn't feel like doing anything so I just plonked onto the bed and slowly drifted off to sleep and woke up the next morning for school . I didn't feel like going to the restaurant so I just skipped it . I just changed my clothes . I put on a pair of loss shorts and a baggy shirt , I felt like going in my pajama's but couldn't . I tied my hair in a loose pony and slipped on sandals and left for school . Once I reached there I saw Jake literally all over Lana . I got so pissed , it was enough . I walked over to Jake and punched him on his back and then kicked him on his butt . He turned around and started saying "Which mother-"
and before he could finish I said "Hi" and like that the whole school was quiet and watching us .
"Oh Haley , how you doing" He said trying to be cool and me I just said these two words they were "We're Done" and I walked away quickly in to the farthest and the most quiet place in school . I started crying , why me ! . Always , first my mom , then my dad ,then my brother and now this ! . Too much . I felt a hand touching my cheek , I slowly opened my eyes and saw Zack standing there . I turned away from him , he couldn't see me crying . I didn't look good . He made me sit down and softly spoke to me in a really comforting voice and said "Hey ? why are you crying ?" and he wiped away my tears and I exploded telling him everything . He nodded and gave me a hug . I could feel his warm breath on my forehead . It felt really nice in his arms , like nothing ever could go wrong .
"Um , Haley"
"Yeah Jake" I said while departing from Zack .
"I'm sorry , I uh acted like a-"
"A jerk ?" I finished his sentence .
"that also and I want a second -"
"Chance ?" I said while lifting my right eyebrow up . Jake nodded his head in agreement . A thought struck my head like lightning , maybe its a new begining or a finishing ? , I didn't know but I just nodded my head agreement and hugged him tightly and he lifted me off the ground and spun me in the air and we both hand in hand , but before leaving I turned around to say thank's to Zack but he had vanished in to the air .

Saturday Night Date Night

It was date night and they day after me and Jake made up . I didn't know what to wear . I was frantically searching my closet . Jeans ? nah , too informal . Shorts ? nope ! . Skirt , ha ! as if I owned any . T-shirt again too formal . Got it ! , It was just there , with the tube light's light falling on it , like god had picked out that dress for me . It was a sleeveless and above my knee's , it was white and flirty . I wore that and put on my red converse and a red rose in my hair . Why ? converse well ,ahem , for the god's sake I'm a tomboy . I left my curly hair loose and applied eyeliner , mascara and lip gloss and left the house . I didn't cycle like always but instead hailed a cab and went there . Images of how my date would go flashed in my mind , but instead of Jake it was always Zack and then it hit me , I was in love with Zack . I was the biggest idiot of the year , but now what would happen to my date with Jake . I was totally stuck . Soon the cab reached the restaurant . I met Zack standing outside the kitchen door . He was wearing a white t-shirt , a black leather jacket , blue jeans and Supras (Justin Beiber shoes ) and the wolverine chain . I smiled at him as I walked towards him .
"Haley you can't go in" He said while guarding the doors .
"Why ?" I asked while twirling my hair with my finger .
"Cause you cant "
" I will " I said and punched him in his stomach and went in . Right now everything went in slow motion . I was just standing there . My heart was beating faster and faster with each second and finally Jake stopped Kissing Lana . He started approaching me but I ran out the door and locked it . I sat down on one seat and just kept on taking deep breaths.
Zack came near me and sat down without saying a word . I looked at him and said "Kiss me" .
He was awestruck , he shook his head in disbelief and said "What ? "
"I said , Kiss me like you mean it" , He still wasn't clear of what I said . So I leaned in and Kissed him , he returned the kiss . We didn't stop . It felt like an electrifying feeling running all through me, and asif fireworks were blowing up in some part of the country . A warm , fuzzy , exciting , confident , reassuring feeling ran through me and then it just stopped . Someone pulled my chair around . Guess who ? , none other than Jake .
"Bitch !" He said .
"Hey! you can't call her like that " Zack said .
"I can call her whatever I want and what you gonna' do bout' it?"
Zack punched him , and Jake punched Zack to the floor . I had gotten so pissed and angry at Jake and everything , It leaked out and I soon found my self hitting Jake and punching him in places that I'm sure it would have pained a lot . After that me and Zack took Jake's car keys and went to the beach . There I sat in arm's and left all my worry's to hell . Time stopped , it was like only the two of us existed on earth and then he cupped up my face and kissed me .

5 years Later .
Me and Zack opened up our own restaurant . I moved in with Zack in a small apartment but that's not where I'm going . he took me on a date . We were just talking normally and suddenly . My breath stopped , I couldn't breath .
"Shut the hell up I screamed with excitement"
" will you marry me Haley Storm "
"Yes I will you idiot "
He slipped the ring on and I knew everything would be just perfect from then on.
Last edited by tanya98 on Tue Dec 06, 2011 4:35 pm, edited 1 time in total.
It's not gravity that's tying you to the earth but that one person - Jacob Black
  





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20 Reviews



Gender: Female
Points: 1536
Reviews: 20
Mon Dec 05, 2011 6:02 pm
tanya98 says...



The last line an error's there its
"Shut the hell up" I screamed with excitement .
It's not gravity that's tying you to the earth but that one person - Jacob Black
  





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152 Reviews



Gender: Female
Points: 244
Reviews: 152
Mon Dec 05, 2011 8:25 pm
Niebla says...



Hey tanya98,

First of all, I want to say that I've read a little of this and I think that you're not a bad storyteller - you seem to have a good vocabulary and be able to tell a story quite well. So don't get disheartened by what I'm about to say next - you really, really need to work on your punctuation, especially the way you write your dialogue. Please don't feel that I'm being too harsh here - I want to help you improve your writing. As it is, I found it a bit difficult to read because the punctuation is a bit all over the place.

Okay, first tip ...

*sigh* Here goes nothing .


Your opening line is okay. Not great, but okay. To make it much better I would personally remove the *sigh* from the beginning. To be honest, it's not something you see very often in writing, more when you're talking to somebody else in chat. So I'd change the first line to something along the lines of: Well ... here goes nothing.

Second tip ...

I woke up around six this morning . How ? hmm lets see, my step mom was screaming at the top of her lungs 'Hazel come down now !


I strongly suggest that you don't leave spaces between your words and your punctuation. If you take a look at all the other stories on this site, you'll see that people don't usually leave the spaces there. As you can see from how I'm writing this review! This would make your story much easier to read.

I woke up around six this morning. How? Hmm, lets see, my step mom was screaming at the top of her lungs "Hazel, come down now!"


All that's changed with the line above is that I've taken away the spaces between punctuation, added two commas and a capital letter.

Third tip ...

Hayden ran a hand through his blond hair (an irritating habit) "you would have loved it there"


Okay. Can you see what's wrong with the line above? It's the dialogue. There's nothing wrong with what your character's actually saying, but the line's very confusing to read. When you're writing dialogue, it's really important to always remember these things ...

Start every new line of dialogue with a capital letter.

Start a new line every time a new person's speaking (although I think you've already done that.

Always put a comma at the end of the dialogue - unless you're using a different form of punctuation, for instance a full stop, question mark or exclamation mark. If you're saying something like "he said" after the dialogue, finish the dialogue with a comma. If you're not adding on anything like that, finish the dialogue with a full stop.

I think you have the potential to be a much better writer if you just get your dialogue/punctuation sorted out!

I'm going to edit a little bit of what you've written and show you what it would look like below.

Well ... here goes nothing.

I woke up around six this morning. How? Hmm, lets see, my step mom was screaming at the top of her lungs 'Hazel come down now!'

I took a deep breath and said 'Coming, Angie, and it's Haley!'

"Same thing," she shouted back at me.

I ignored her last comment and ran into the bathroom. I looked at myself in the mirror. I stared at my dark brown curly hair and I admired the way it went with my skin and eyes. The three of them complemented each other. I quickly had a bath and put on my denim shorts, my red t-shirt, my black converse and left my hair the way it was. I strapped on my G-shock watch and grabbed my bag. See, I wasn't the type of girl that owned dresses or heels or any other kind of that stuff. I didn't pay that much attention to me (well except for my grey eyes , brown hair and skin - nothing else). I ran down the stairs and saw Angie standing there waving around her phone bill in the air and shouting at someone on the phone. I saw a dark figure sitting on the couch. I leaned forward from behind the counter from the kitchen and saw my brother Hayden sitting there. I ran towards him and gave him a big hug. I think he didn't notice me when I came down 'cause he got scared when I ran and gave him the hug.


To be honest, I'm not going to comment on the story's plot much because I find it difficult to read without the punctuation sorted out - I think you'll find that a lot of other will probably feel the same. You can see from the little section I've edited and the tips I've given you what you need to do - if you want a more in depth view, edit away! I'd happily have another look at it once the punctuation was sorted out.

Keep writing (and editing),

~MorningMist~
  








There’s always a story. It’s all stories, really. The sun coming up every day is a story. Everything’s got a story in it. Change the story, change the world.
— Terry Pratchett