Young Writers Society

I knew it had to be done. But why did it have to be so difficult? It was dinnertime and dad had just turned off the telly. He looked tired but as soon as mom and my sister joined us at the table, he suddenly became more talkative. Apparently they had experienced something in the market. Mom had made fish and chip, a real British meal as they called it. But I wasn’t hungry. As soon I heard the word Asian I jerked my head up, which caused a lot of attention. Everybody was staring at me, but slowly the returned to their little talk.

I felt disgusted, of course they where my parents but that was too much. ''Janine, honey what is wrong?'' my mom had asked. ''I am getting married.'' I had said a bit hesitant. There was quiet, everybody went silent and then they had looked at me with a horrific expression. Suddenly my dad had burst out in laughter. It wasn’t too long before my mom had joined him, and my sister had only smiled a faint smile at me. They thought I was only joking, I felt my blood boil.

''Oh god, that’s just what I needed. ''My dad had said, while he looked at my moms who almost choked her food. They both turned to me and looked at me playfully. Suddenly they realised that my expression had not change since I told them. They both became serious and I saw the panic and confusion in their eyes.

My dad had narrowed his eyes at me and my mom just looked troubled. ''But you aren’t seeing any one. ''Was all they could say. ''Actually I have a fiancé and I love him more than anything.'' I had answered a little absent, since my thoughts of Al had made me forget the circumstances. I felt the tension in the kitchen and decided to break the silence. ''He is a fantastic guy if you got to know him, I’m sure you would start to like him.''

I felt that my stomach was twisting I knew they would start questioning about who my fiancé was anytime now. ''Who is he? Is he someone from school?'' My mom asked a bit nervous. ''Yes, he is from my drama club. His name is Al-'' ''Al!?'' They had both cut me of rudely. ''Don’t tell me that he isn’t English.'' My dad had said in a harsh tone. I looked at my mom, her eyes where full of sorrow and disappointment. My dad shook his head at my silence. ''Go to your room, now. And don’t get out until your mother and I have sorted this out.'' The anger in them was clear, and it upset me more than anything. ''No.'' I had said and started heading towards the front door. ''Al and I are getting married wetter you like it or not. The wedding is in next month. I left invitations for you.'' And I had left sobbing.

I knew it had to be done. But why did it have to be so difficult? It was dinnertime and dad had just turned off the telly. He looked tired but as soon as mom and my sister joined us at the table, he suddenly became more talkative. Apparently they had experienced something in the market. Mom had made fish and chip [The correct term is "fish and chips" - It's plural], a real British meal as they called it. But I wasn’t hungry. As soon I heard the word Asian I jerked my head up, which caused a lot of attention. Everybody [This made me think that the character's in a class room or something. Also that it cause a lot of attention, make it sound like there's actually a whole group of people around the character] was staring at me, but slowly the returned to their little [I'm not sure there's something called "little talk", but do you mean "small talk"? ] talk.

I felt disgusted, of course they where my parents but that ["This" is more appropriate here] was too much. ''Janine, honey what is wrong?'' my mom had asked. [When you continue on the same line after someone says something, it means that they continue speaking, so you should go to the next line here]
''I am getting married.'' I had said a bit hesitant. There was quiet, everybody went silent and then they had looked at me with a horrific expression. Suddenly my dad had burst out in laughter. It wasn’t too long before my mom had joined him, and my sister had only smiled a faint smile at me. They thought I was only joking, I felt my blood boil.

''Oh god, that’s just what I needed. ''My dad had said, while he looked at my moms who almost choked her food. They both turned to me and looked at me playfully. Suddenly they realised that my expression had not change since I told them. They both became serious and I saw the panic and confusion in their eyes.

My dad had narrowed his eyes at me and my mom just looked troubled. ''But you aren’t seeing anyone." Was all they could say. ''Actually I have a fiancé ["fiancé" is the woman word for is, it should be "fiance"] and I love him more than anything.'' I had answered a little absent, since my thoughts of Al had made me forget the circumstances. I felt the tension in the kitchen and decided to break the silence. ''He is a fantastic guy if you got to know him, I’m sure you would start to like him.''

I felt that my stomach was twisting [Here should either be a comma or "and"] I knew they would start questioning me [it should either be "questioning me" or "asking me questions"] about who my fiance was anytime now. [Here I would start a new line, because it goes from the MC to the mom]
''Who is he? Is he someone from school?'' My mom asked a bit nervous. ''Yes, he is from my drama club. His name is Al-'' [Here it changes again]
''Al!?'' They had both cut me of rudely. ''Don’t tell me that he isn’t English.'' My dad had said in a harsh tone. I looked at my mom, her eyes where full of sorrow and disappointment. My dad shook his head at my silence. ''Go to your room, now. And don’t get out until your mother and I have sorted this out.'' The anger in them was clear, and it upset me more than anything. [The same thing again]
''No.'' I had said and started heading towards the front door. ''Al and I are getting married wetter you like it or not. The wedding is in next month. I left invitations for you.'' And I had left sobbing.

I like this story, you have a good idea and you follow it through, greatly.

You have some things that will need to be fixed, but it's not too much.

Please don't take this the wrong way, but I feel like this is something you wrote some time ago, because your writing is better than this in the other things you've posted.

But a really good story, and keep writing it.

AuthorOfMyLife

OMG I love this!

..... O.o I think Al is occupide.. Sorry...

Hi there, Flyingchaos! 'Tis Lavvie to review.

This is my 300th review, so lucky you!

So I think you have a really cool idea in your head, but it's just a matter of writing it in the right way. Also, this seems more like something that's an excerpt from a novella since it hints to past events with the characters. I'm not sure what you have intended with this short story.

First, let's work on just the basic structure of this, mainly dialogue. It's pretty simple, really. When you write dialogue within prose, you just indent to the next line so it's something like this:

They had both cut me of rudely.
[enter/indent]
''Don’t tell me that he isn’t English.'' My dad had said in a harsh tone.

This makes it so it's a separate idea from the narrative and much more distinguishable. For a helpful YWS article about writing dialogue, you might want to check this one out.

Secondly, I also found a lot of everything extremely blunt and rushed. There was no ease in to anything and you lost out on good chances for some narrative. The infamous show vs. tell needs to be executed here. Don't forget about emotions and descriptions - it is creative writing after all. You could maybe, at the beginning, describe the scene with this girl's parents and herself sitting down for dinner. Perhaps describe her parents a bit so we can get a general idea of their personality. Include some more personal thoughts - be detailed when writing about this girl's anxiety at telling her parents she's engaged. It is a big deal after all. She shouldn't be so blase about it and that's the feeling I got while I was reading this.

I found it also extremely bizarre as to how her parents were unaware of her heading out on dates and things. It is obvious that her parents have never heard of Al before. Why is this? Why was her relationship with Al kept a secret? These aren't just questions you can ignore; they must be answered.

Also, why does the fact her family brought up the word 'Asian' trigger her memory to confess her marriage plans? You leave this open-ended. Is Al Asian? Is it such an important aspect of their coming marriage? How does this affect her family's wishes? Don't be afraid to elaborate on unfinished ideas.

If you have any questions about this review, don't hesitate to shoot me a PM.

Yours,
Lavvie

Flyingchaos,

The writing is really good. It's emotive and touching.
However, there are a fair few spelling mistakes there - easily fixed, so no big deal.
Also, the whole thing is a bit choppy. It would flow nicely if you would just stop, take a breath and take it slow.
I feel like it's been rushed, which is never great.
There's a saying out there that "If you don't enjoy what you're writing, your audience won't enjoy reading it"
It just feels a little like you weren't fully enjoying writing this piece.

That aside, you had good points. I agree with Lavvie, though. You didn't have enough information for the background story. I don't know if this is intended to be a chapter, but even if it was, you are still lacking information in there.
There are unanswered questions - too many to be answered in another chapter. For example, IS Al Asian? How does her sister react when she realises it's real?

There is also some valuable constructive cristiscm above. The work is rushed.
Sorry to say it, but it's not your best piece of writing.
Nice try though!

NightWriter x

Hi there!

I knew it had to be done. But why did it have to be so difficult?

I think this 'I knew it had to be done' part is cliche. These are the first sentences, they should be the most interesting; they should really grab the reader and make him/her want to read on. I think it would be much more interesting if you showed us how the character was feeling, maybe by making her hold her glass too tightly, or describe how her heart's beating, basically show us how nervous/afraid she is of what she has to tell her parents.

It was dinnertime and dad had just turned off the telly. He looked tired but as soon as mom and my sister joined us at the table, he suddenly became more talkative. Apparently they had experienced something in the market. Mom had made fish and chips, a real British meal as they called it. But I wasn’t hungry.

This is a whole paragraph of telling. You're telling us that it's dinnertime, you're telling us that her Dad looked tired, etc. Show us. Show us it's dinnertime by having the whole family sit at the table, or maybe the character's Mom telling her to lay the table or something. Show us Janine's not hungry by her Mom asking her why she's not eating.

As soon I heard the word Asian I jerked my head up, which caused a lot of attention. Everybody was staring at me, but slowly the returned to their little talk.

I agree with somebody up there, this makes me think there are lots of people sitting at the table, not just her family.

''Janine, honey what is wrong?'' my mom had asked. ''I am getting married.'' I had said a bit hesitant.

Instead of writing 'what is', I think it'd be better if you used 'what's', cause that's the way everyone talks nowadays. When you're writing dialogue, each speaker gets their own line. Like this should be:

"Janine, honey what's wrong?" asked my Mom.
"I'm getting married," I said, a bit hesitant.

There was quiet, everybody went silent and then they had looked at me with a horrific expression.

'Horrific' means they looked ugly. It should be 'horrified'.

Suddenly my Dad had burst out in laughter. It wasn’t too long before my Mom had joined him, and my sister had only smiled a faint smile faintly at me.

Cut out the 'had's. And d in 'dad' and m in 'mom' should be capitalized.

''Oh god, that’s just what I needed.' 'My dad had said, while he looked at my Moms who almost choked on her food. They both turned to me and looked at me playfully. Suddenly they realised that my expression had not changed since I told them. They both became serious and I saw the panic and confusion in their eyes.

That's kind of boring. I would prefer you said something like 'their smiles faded', or something a little more interesting.

My dad hadnarrowed his eyes at me and my Mom just looked troubled.

I felt that my stomach was twisting I knew they would start questioning about who my fiancé was anytime now.

Put a comma, fullstop or semi-colon between 'twisting' and the rest of the sentence.

''Who is he? Is he someone from school?'' My mom asked a bit nervous. ''Yes, he is from my drama club. His name is Al-'' ''Al!?''

Again, remember, when writing dialogue, each speaker gets their own line. And I don't think '!?' is proper punctuation.

''Don’t tell me that he isn’t English.'' My dad had said in a harsh tone. I looked at my mom, her eyes where full of sorrow and disappointment. My dad shook his head at my silence. ''Go to your room, now. And don’t get out until your mother and I have sorted this out.'' The anger in them was clear, and it upset me more than anything. ''No.'' I had said and started heading towards the front door. ''Al and I are getting married wetter whether you like it or not. The wedding is in next month. I left invitations for you.'' And I had left sobbing.

Right, now I'm through with the nitpicks Overall, this piece needs to revised. Learn about the 'show, don't tell' rule. It was a bit rushed, you need to slow it down and add more detail. Also, you need to learn how to use the word 'had'. Your dialogue was okay, a little too dramatic, but maybe that's just me. o.O I like the idea, it's got a sort of Romeo-Juliet feel, I'm guessing Janine's parents are racist? I'd like a little more filling out. I'd like to know what exactly Al is, I'd like to see more of the parents' reactions, maybe they yell at her for marrying someone who's not British. I'd like to know why exactly they're racist against..whatever Al is, and maybe even get a little peek at Al himself? Keep writing

Edit - I forgot to mention the title. I don't like it, it's a bit long and it's not interesting or exciting. It doesn't make me go 'oooh, what's that about?'

Hey,

I think that the posts above have pretty much covered everything.

I may not be correct, but, were you trying to write this story from a British persons point of view? I just got that feeling from what the characters said...

If so, you need to 'de-Americanafy' it.

Mom had made fish and chip, a real British meal as they called it.

In the UK, we don't say 'Mom'. We say 'Mum'

Also, despite the general stereotype, we don't eat fish and chips all the time. When we do eat it, we get it from a 'chippie' (fish and chips fast food shop). A more appropriate meal to use would be, either 'a fry' (only in the morning) or a Sunday roast. PM me if you need further details.

Thirdly, British people don't call their meals, 'a real British meal'. Nor do we describe anything else as being overly British.

''Don%u2019t tell me that he isn%u2019t English.''

The UK consists of four countries and therefore what the dad say's is strange. Most parents have no problems what so ever with marriages between people of these four nationalities. I better thing for the dad to say would be, "Don't tell me he's a foreigner!"

Finally, 'Al' could be short for the name, 'Alan' which is a common name in the UK. Try to use a more exotic sounding name.

-Bonnie

Flyingchaos wrote:I knew it had to be done. comma instead of periodBut why did it have to be so difficult? It was dinnertime and dad had just turned off the telly. He looked tiredcomma? but as soon as mom and my sisterif you aren't gonna say my mom don't say my sister, maybe say Lisa, my sister. of course use her name though haha joined us at the table, he suddenly became more talkative. Apparently they had experienced something in the market. Mom had made fish and chipchips is plural, a real British meal as they called itcomma not period again or don't start the sentence with but either can work. But I wasn’t hungry. As soon I heard the word Asian I jerked my head up, which caused a lot of attention. Everybody was staring at me, but slowly the returned to their little talk.

I felt disgusted, of course they where my parents but that was too much. start a new paragraph. you do that whenever someone new starts talking to give the reader a little break and makes the writing look more organized.''Janine, honey what is wrong?'' my mom had asked.start new paragraph ''I am getting married.'' I had said maybe add the word 'with'a bit hesitant. There was quiet, everybody went silent and then they had looked at me with a horrific expression. Suddenly my dad had burst out in laughter. It wasn’t too long before my mom had joined him, and my sister had only smiled a faint smile instead of a faint smile maybe say 'smiled faintly towards/at me"at me. They thought I was only joking, I felt my blood boil.

''delete the " here it isn't meant to be thereOh god, that’s just what I needed. 'space after the " and delete the space between the period and the "'My dad had said, while he looked at my mom is singular unless there are two or three moms(;moms who almost choked her food. They both turned to me and looked at me playfully. Suddenly they realisedrealized that my expression had not change since I told them. They both became serious and I saw the panic and confusion in their eyes.

My dad had narrowed his eyes at me and my mom just looked troubled. ''But you aren’t seeing any one. ''space after the " and delete the space between the period and the "Was all they could say.new paragraph ''Actually I have a fiancé and I love him more than anything.'' I had answered a little absent, since my thoughts of Al had made me forget the circumstances. I felt the tension in the kitchen and decided to break the silence.comma not period since she is continuing where she left off ''He is a fantastic guadd the word 'and'y if you got to know him, I’m sure you would start to like him.''

I felt that my stomach was twisting I knew they would start questioning about who my fiancé was anytime now.new paragraph ''Who is he? Is he someone from school?'' My mom asked a bit nervous. new paragraph''Yes, he is from my drama club. His name is Al-''new paragraph ''Al!?'' They had both cut me of rudely.new paragraph ''Don’t tell me that he isn’t English.'' My dad had said in a harsh tone. I looked at my mom, her eyes where full of sorrow and disappointment. My dad shook his head at my silence. new paragraph''Go to your room, now. And don’t get out until your mother and I have sorted this out.'' The anger in them was clear, and it upset me more than anything. new paragraph''No.'' I had said and started heading towards the front door. ''Al and I are getting married wetterBritish term? you like it or not. The wedding is in next month. I left invitations for you.'' And I had left sobbing.

Done! Well this was good, but I am confused on a few things. One why is it written in past tense? Not that thats a problem, I was just curious. Two the title, they didn't accept her love? Three why didn't they accept Al, I think you should go more into why they didn't accept him. Other than the things I just said it was really a great story. I agree with Bonnie Babe, if you are trying to write as a British point of view you need to de-Americanize it. Bonnie Babe is from Britain, I am not so they would know more than I do, but like I said above I really did enjoy it. Hope I helped and wasn't too harsh, if I was I apologize. Happy New Years!(: