Young Writers Society

First of all, I'd like to say that this story revolves around a lyric from Mago de Oz (Molinos de Viento: Si puedes definir, el odio o el amor, Amigo que desilusión). I understand that this story is somewhat vague but it better suits the point of it (if that makes any sense). Anyhow, I'm done rambling, on with the story

Truth

I finally found him. He was crouched near the clear stream. The grass moved gently, as if it were beckoning me towards him.

"Adrian." His name resounds from my lips. He winced, almost like he wanted to be left alone. His icy green eyes flickered towards me. I've known him long enough to know what he says, without ever saying anything. And now he was begging me not to ask.

"What are you doing, sitting here all alone?" I felt the swish of the dancing grass as I stepped forward, brushing my hair away from my eyes once I sat next to him.

"Nothing." He refused to look at me.

"What do you mean, nothing?" I asked, leaning towards him.

"Juss nothin." His voice was barely audible, even the stream spoke louder than he. Then came the dreaded silence. He has always been here for me.

"...Can I stay?" I hesitated to ask, knowing well that he could just push me away.

"Go ahead." He said. But he still didn't look at me.

The sky was turning a soothing orange. The stream steadily moved along, going about its business. It did not have to suffer like we did. I knew I had to ask that dreaded question.

"Are you sad that she left?" This time it was me who refused to look.

"Yeah." Shock made me look at him. He was tugging at the grass, and when he pulled the roots out of the soil, those green eyes found mine. I saw something in them, a chill went through my spine in response. I tried to think of something to cheer him up, just like he did. I had a feeling all those times I cried to him I looked like that.

"Hey, if she was stupid enough to leave you then you open your eyes. Let her go." If I weren't looking at him, I would've missed the ghost of a smile.

"You don't know what love is." He sat down as well, wrapping his arms around his legs tightly. But it wasn't cold.

"What is love, then?" I imitated him, and placed my head on my knees, sending him a sidelong glance.

He sighed. "Love....love is seeing her in the morning. Love is the morning sparrow soaring through the morning skies. Love is when you shut your eyes, but don't feel afraid of the dark. When you know that your eyes will open to a beautiful world."

Silence. I knew not what to say. And so I said what he would've said to me.

"But she didn't love you. If she felt that way, then she wouldn't have left."

He shook his head.

"You still don't understand. It was his fault."

Him. The man who took her away. Who would've seen that happen, for Adrian's life to fall apart because of...

"Hate. When does it surpass severe dislike?"

Adrian toyed once more with the grass. But I saw his fingers tremble.

"Hate is when you can no longer function. It is when your mind is slowly poisoned, and you can no longer see what is right and wrong. Hate is the black in the basement that scares the little kids, and the very evil is tainting my heart." He tore the grass out to the root and threw it as hard as he could. I saw the moist soil hit the floor and dissolve into microscopic particles, the roots sticking into the air almost submissively.

I bit my lip softly. This wasn't anything like him. But he was wrong, and I knew I had to snap him out of it.

"...you're stupid." Were the words I blurted out. He snapped his head towards me, and the ferocity of his expression softened when he saw me trying not to laugh.

"How so?" I grinned at him, and pulled one of his soft brown locks teasingly.

"For starters, if you can define love and hate you've encountered a delusion."

Hey KilljoyRetardedFish,

Lets get it going:
Firstly, and I quote:

"Adrian." His name resounds from my lips. He winced, almost like he wanted to be left alone.

resounds is present tense, whether as winced and wanted are past tense. It should say, resounded, I think.

"Hey, if she was stupid enough to leave you then you open your eyes. Let her go."

This isn't clear enough; doesn't really make sense.

Other than that, this is a really well written piece. I loved it and can't wait to see more.

NightWriter x

aw, this is beautiful! Like NightWriter, I agree, you have to watch your tenses, one or the other would make more sense!

But other than that, your language is beautiful and it leaves the reader hungry for more, because you haven't given much away. I love it and I can't wait to see if there's anymore to the story!

Hey , I found a few mistakes first in your writing so here goes nothing !

In the line even the stream spoke louder than he ,
It would make much more sense if you wrote louder than him .

In the line He has always been here for me.
Wouldn't it be always been there for me instead of here for me .

"Hey, if she was stupid enough to leave you then you open your eyes. Let her go." This line I had to kind of read twice to understand . It would have been better if you had written "Hey she was stupid enough to leave you, it's her loss not your's , and you ... well open up your eye's and let her go" or "Hey ,she was stupid enough to leave you ! and you should open up your eyes to that ! " .

"I knew not what to say. And so I said what he would've said to me" According to me the error was "I knew not what to say" it is I didn't know what to and the other error is that instead of putting a full stop after "say . And" you could have just said or written " what to say and so I said ... " .

Yup I guess that's it , other than the mistake's above I found your story very good ! and please describe the characters like hair colour , skin tone , height etc-etc !!!Once again really good story ! .

-tanya98

P.s. review your work before submitting it !!

I'm afraid I'll have to disagree with you tanya98.

even the stream spoke louder than he

I'll agree, it would make more sense writing it differently, but this order of words is a recognized poetry technique which many poets use to change the order of words, in order to make it rhyme or to change the rhythm of the lines.

Again, with

I knew not what to say. And so I said what he would've said to me.

This is also a recognized technique. It may not make as much sense to us, 21st century readers, but many older writers use this sort of order of words. It's a bit like old English; it's posh; it's a bit more sophisticated than most fiction writers nowadays - even popular writers like J.K. Rowling don't often use this. It's a very specialized sort of writing and I'm impressed you're using it so well KilljoyRetardedFish.

It's a poetic type of language use.

I totally understand what you mean about some of the order of words not making too much sense tanya98 and I don't mean to demoralize you. You've made some good points in your review, but I just felt I had to highlight those above points. At the end of the day, it’s your opinion and I would never wish to undermine your opinion.