Young Writers Society

This is a short story I wrote in '04, when my writing was still weak and structureless. I've recently performed many minor revisions, and I'll fully rewrite it eventually. I am currently trying to write a sequel but I don't have enough ideas to make it work so suggestions would be appreciated.

----------

Dracchus was lying outside his tent staring at the stars, but began to doze off. His eyelids became heavy and sleep took over him. Minutes later, a cold nose on his neck woke him up. Dracchus opened his eyes to see a wolf, the moonlight making her black fur seem to glow. He jumped; she hopped back and growled for a few seconds but then stopped, coming closer to him again. He backed up until he was against a tree but she kept advancing, seeming curious rather than hostile.

She eyed him inquisitively and sniffed at his neck, he wished he was elsewhere. Few moments passed and she was still motionless, apparently not wanting to attack him. He looked at her in the same way she was looking at him-with a curious wonder at the unexpected situation. She had expected to have been shot or captured and he had expected to have been eaten or mauled.

After nearly ten minutes of blank staring, Dracchus reached out a trembling hand, she tensed suspiciously but did not run or bite him. His hand settled on her cheek, as he reveled in the softness of her fur, she stayed tense, not really trusting him but no longer knowing why she shouldn't. He stroked from her cheek down her neck and across her back as far as he could reach before returning his hand to her cheek and starting again.

She emitted a pleasant mrring noise and began to lose her defensive attitude, becoming less tense around him. He continued to pet her and she continued to relax, eventually laying across his lap and nuzzling his belly while he pat her. In just a short time the two of them had grown very attached to each other, each felt the other was perfect in every way.

Dracchus eventually coaxed the beautiful she-wolf off his lap and headed back to his tent. She followed, not wanting to return to the harsh life of a wolf without a pack, she didn't want to be a loner anymore. The human crawled into his tent, but before he could zip it up, the wolf followed. He gestured for her to leave, but she didn't. He smiled and decided it would be nice to have some company after all the years of being a social outcast.

He laid on top of his sleeping bag and she curled up to him. He held her and ran his fingers through the lovely soft fur on her back while she licked his neck. He smiled and kissed her forehead, causing her to mrr again. He realized that he was sweating and not because it was hot or because he was afraid. He had fallen for her, and she seemed to feel the same way. They eventually fell asleep cuddling.

The next day, Dracchus packed up his camping gear and stuck it in his truck. He didn't want to leave his new lover, but he had work the next day and needed to get back to the city. The she-wolf watched in wonder as the shelter she'd slept in the night before was reduced to only sticks, and what looked like a giant lead a few minutes ago, was neatly packed away.

Once everything was packed, Dracchus opened the driver seat of his truck. The wolf hopped in before him. He tried to coax her out of the truck but she wouldn't budge, so he gave in again and drove her to his house with the full intention of bringing her back should she pine for the woods.

Once they got home, he put away all of the camping stuff and gave his new "wife" a tour of their home that ended with the bathroom where he started the shower and began to get nude. He stepped under the water and she followed him as he'd hoped. He washed her thick fur then washed himself. He shut off the water and stepped out, drying himself with a towel and trying to dry her but failing. All of his towels ended up soaked and she didn't seem to get any drier. He got a better idea and used a hair drier to dry her dark fur while brushing her, then brushed his own hair.

The two of them rolled around in the back yard all day then cuddled in Dracchus's bed that night. They were both truly happy for the first time.

To day the least, the ending creeped me out to the maximum.

A lot of your sentences give a ton of action, leaving nothing for the imagination: such as:

"Dracchus was lying outside his tent staring at the stars, but began to doze off. His eyelids became heavy and sleep took over him. Minutes later, a cold nose on his neck woke him up."

Too much description of action, not enough of... anything else...

I'm short on time, but I have one last thing to say. Is this like a fantasy story? I mean, romantic-fantasy? The name Dracchus seems like a fantasy like name, but then he "used a hair drier." (I think it's dryer but I don't know)... I think you should change this man's name....

(When I think fantasy I don't want to think hair dryer ) It was a good story, but it scared me.

Ok first off, I mean I would personally be scared if a wolf were to happen upon me in the middle of the night. But you make it seem like it's no big deal.
Yeah I agree with Elizabeth, when I think about fantasy I don't really think about a hair dryer.

Yeah it's definatly different, but in a good way. So good luck with this and the sequel.

Right. Kardas, I said I would look for this, so here I am.

There were some words and images in the beginning that I loved.

His hand settled on her cheek, as he reveled in the softness of her fur,

'Reveled' is a good word here. It made her fur so luxurious. I also could picture a bond being formed...I'm thinking dog more than wolf, but animals and humans can create quick bonds.

To polish it a little, play with descriptions and diction. When you rewrite this (as you say you're planning to), look for anything you can delete. I'm serious. Look at your "was" "becoming" "began" "started" "is", or any words that are unnecessary or that you've repeated. For example, while he's petting her, you repeatedly say she is tense. What mannerisms do dogs have when they're tense? Try approaching it that way; it might make it more interesting. Sometimes you already have strong verbs that are weakened with other words. Get rid of the other words or make the verb stronger and it will make it clearer and more descriptive. Just have fun playing with words and sentence structure, and see what you think is the most interesting.

My impression so far was of a common, friendly relationship, and I was severely taken aback when it became friendlier. Unless I misunderstood (and I don't think I did, because I found a response you made on another site).

...At which point I questioned the name. Dracchus, with his truck and shower and hair dryer at home? In love with a wolf? Sometimes names have meanings, and they either enhance or create symbolism. So I looked for it and didn't find anything. But I still wonder...Did you mean for 'Dracchus' to make a statement?

Well, even if it isn't my taste, you certainly aren't afraid of writing from a different angle.

Keep writing,

~Jacquie~

Dracchus was amazed at how coldly his co-workers treated him. In the short time he'd spent with his new mate, her affection was enough to make him forget that he was unwanted elsewhere. Out of curiosity, he had once kissed a dog but he didn't know that he had been seen doing so. Word spread, and anyone associating with him was thought to advocate animal cruelty. Only by pleading heavily and working an extra unpaid shift every day was he able to keep his job stocking shelves at a grocery store. People avoided him, and spoke of him constantly in hushed whispers.

Jodi had adjusted to living in a house much faster than either she or Dracchus could have predicted. The big black lupine was stretched across Drac's couch, running the events of the past few weeks through her head. Ever since a brief encounter with a camera crew as a cub, she had been intensely interested in humans. Through her peculiar interests she had managed to alienate every other wolf in her pack. Eventually, her family and friends grew tired of her oddness and forced her to leave. The times following that were difficult for her, food was hard to come by and she couldn't return to the territory of her pack for help. It would be nearly a month before she would meet Dracchus, a wonderful human male who'd brought her into his world and would provide for her without asking anything in return. Jodi was actually frightened at how deeply she cared for him, her heart was moving too quickly and she couldn't stop it.

Hours later, after Dracchus had walked in the door Jodi jumped on him. Her heavy, but graceful body knocked the unsuspecting human to the ground. She licked his face with an incredible intensity, and on an impulse he opened his mouth for her. They engaged in a long and passionate kiss, stopping only to breathe. Dracchus smiled as he looked up at the face of his loving wolf, softly caressing her. Jodi mrred and laid down on top of Dracchus, he wrapped his arms around her and gently scratched her sides making her mrr again.

"Just being near you makes everything right in the world", Dracchus said with a wistful sigh. Jodi nuzzled his neck and mrred, he rubbed her tummy. They snuggled on the floor for a while, then showered together again. Jodi found she enjoyed being clean, it made her feel more human, and a bit closer to Dracchus because of it. After her thick fur had been dried, they cuddled and slept in Drac's bed again. This continued for the rest of the week, though each of them had been gradually growing more nervous around the other as their feelings for one another flourished.

Fearing that he could be imagining some of it, he decided to go camping with Jodi again. If she wanted to leave, she probably would he concluded. Friday night, he packed up all of his camping gear and threw it in his truck. The next morning, he fed Jodi when she awoke and they left.

After Dracchus set up camp, he and Jodi played until the sun went down, then relaxed in front of a campfire until they had grown tired. They snuggled and slept in Drac's tent, but in the middle of the night Jodi awake to the sound of one of her pack mates howling. Her ears perked and she waited for the sound to repeat before deciding to visit them one last time. She very slowly and cautiously wriggled out of Drac's grip and set out in the direction of her old den.

When Jodi reached the home of her pack, her old home, she was greeted with many cold glares and a few growls. She immediately took a submissive position, pleading to be acknowledged as part of the pack if only for a brief while. Her own family growled at her hatefully until finally her brother charged. She was sure he wouldn't attack, but as he got closer she became less certain. Before he got her, she bolted off in a random direction. The rest of the pack joined in on the chase, she was able to stay a bit ahead of them but by the time they stopped their pursuit she had no idea where she was. Whimpering, she desperately tried to find a way back to Dracchus.

Dracchus woke up alone, thinking at first that his mate had gone to do her business in the woods. After 20 minutes, he became quite worried. He got dressed and looked for her for a few hours, unable to find any trace. "She went back to her pack...she's really gone.." he said to himself mournfully, feeling tears well up in his eyes. He buried his face in his arms and sat motionless, feeling as if the world had ended.

He had fallen asleep, he realized as a cold nose pressed against his neck and woke him up. He opened his eyes to see his beloved, and their eyes met for a long moment. He threw his arms around her in a tight hug and she lapped at his face and neck excitedly. They spent the day together as they had tried to do as often as possible. Each of them had realized they would only have each other, and they needed one another.

That night, in a single beautiful act they became one in body and in soul. Their relationship had become even closer afterwards, they were nearly inseparable. All of the problems of the world seemed to disappear, Drac had Jodi and Jodi had Drac and that's all that would ever matter to them.

Wow, this certainly was an interesting story. For now, since I'm tired and haven't had dinner yet, I'll just focus on the first part.

My main advice here, slow it down a bit. It all happens too quickly to the point of being unbelievable. Make their encounters over two or three days for the two to get a feel of each other, for emotions to rise. Love at first site with a wild wolf seems a bit off. That, and the rapidity of their growing relationship is again too fast.

Also, in the first part, keep the point of view behind Dracchas. Or, if you go with my first suggestion, you could have the first encounter from Dracchas' point of view, the second from Jodi's, and the third from Dracchus again. I think that would help the flow and make the love more believable.

I also think Dracchus is a very odd name for nowadays. Now, it could work, and you can keep it if you want to, I'm just saying it's unusual. If that's what you were going for, than more power to you. I'll try to get to the second part tomorrow, and maybe go into more detail on the first part. Interesting idea, and keep writing.

The human doesn't act like a human and the wolf doesn't act like a wolf. It makes me want to curl up and read Jack London. O_o

Hiya there, and welcome!

I don't have a lot of time left, but I'm letting you know I started reading your story. When I saw the title, I was jazzed because wolves are one of my favorite animals.

However, if I may be totally honest, the opening paragraph nearly turned me away from the story.

Let's take a peek:

Dracchus was lying outside his tent staring at the stars, but began to doze off. His eyelids became heavy and sleep took over him. Minutes later, a cold nose on his neck woke him up. Dracchus opened his eyes to see a wolf, the moonlight making her black fur seem to glow. He jumped; she hopped back and growled for a few seconds but then stopped, coming closer to him again. He backed up until he was against a tree but she kept advancing, seeming curious rather than hostile.

Firstly, no wolf is alone, as I'm sure you know, unless they are a refugee; basically he lost his status in the pack from age, couldn't keep up in the hunts, and his "family" left. It happens, that's nature. Second, no wolf or coyote will EVER voluntarily approach anyone, human or not, without being wary. This wolf, is not acting like a real-life wolf, and in fact the chance of one attacking a human is very slim.

Wolves, but all animals are capable, have a sixth sense, and it's important to establish, you are not the alpha; you're inferior. IF by some chance a wolf approaches you, perhaps to grab scraps of food, the most important thing to remember - never show direct eye contact. If you do, it's a challenge to the animal. The ears may flatten (signs or irritability), the pupils may dilate, and of course the animal might start to growl. Another thing, a person should never stand higher than a wolf, and looked directly down at it - another challenge of rank to the animal. Instead, slowly lower yourself, all the way down on your stomach and lower your head. Now, you are not within eye contact, nor are you higher than the alpha. You've attempted to establish, you recognize the animal's rank, and respect it. There are many other "tactics" to identify or "read" a wolf's behavior but for now, those are the basics.

Remember, your character is in the wolf's domain, and he is inferior, so at present, the story is already unrealistic. As I mentioned, a wolf doesn't prance into a human's camp. These animals are VERY secretive and would honestly wish to avoid contact with modern society at all costs, unless the animal is starving, and stealing scraps of food is the only option.

I suggest reading some books about wolf postures, and a bit on them in general. Also, a good start would be to read or watch Jack London's White Fang. Another - Dances with Wolves because in that movie with Costner, it shows how timid wolves really are, and just how difficult it is to establish any type of relationship with the animal.

I may return and finish reading, 'pending when I have time again, but I hope my advice will help you down the road. Have a nice one!

Cheers!

The start of the second part seemed off to me. Why would kissing a dog be seen as animal cruelty? How could a kiss possibly constitute cruelty? I'm completely lost there. Maybe crazy animal lover, but advocate for animal cruelty? You might want to reconsider that part.

I like the intelligence you give Jodi. From what I have read, wolves are very intelligent animals, if not in a human way. Sure, what fishr said is more or less true, but being a story teller you can bend the rules a bit. I'd still take his advice on reading on wolves to add more realism, hence, more credibility, to your story.

Though I like how they are nervous about the speed of their growing relashionship, I still feel it goes just too fast. This is one of those rare occasions were I feel that the story should be dragged out just a little bit.

I liked the scenes where they are separated. That part flows smoothly and just seems to work.

Okay, the ending really got to me. One week after meeting, they had sex (at least I'm assuming that's what you're implying)? Okay, that is way too fast, especially with an animal of any kind. Heck, that's too fast for a human relationship in my opinion (though maybe not, considering the story I'm trying to write). Again, slow down this relashinship to make it more believable.

And a note to fishr. People aren't likely to know all those facts about dominance, or remember them in such a situation. I'm not sure just how I'd react in that situation. Also, a lot of people have the prejudice of "predator kill things". It's not all that uncommon for people confronted by predators to feel that an attack is immenent. Other than that, you did bring up some good points, though a few are adressed in the second part.

And a note to fishr. People aren't likely to know all those facts about dominance, or remember them in such a situation. I'm not sure just how I'd react in that situation.

Ah, but that's why research can be so important to make a story more believable. Writers under-estimate it, even in a fictional sense.

But you do bring up a good point also, which is why it can also be helpful to use empathy; put yourself in someone else's (in this case paws) shoes. Of course backing away is one instinct, but now that you mention it, there could be so much more to acknowledge fear, or I guess curiosity such as postures. A person can communicate just as well without speech, and I also believe animals can sense those postures just as well. So, now that I think of it, maybe a little more description on Dracchus's part so we understand curiosity, without belatedly telling us otherwise.

Show, don't tell. The cardinal rule of storytelling, one I haven't mastered myself, lol.

I actually know quite a lot about wolves, fishr. They're beautiful, fascinating animals. I know Jodi's behavior is not typical of a wolf, but she's not a typical wolf She's obsessed with humans and wishes not to be wolf, hence the odd behavior and lack of a pack. I like to think I expressed this rather well in the second part.

Shadow, if my life can be held as any example, people are capable of jumping to some rather extreme conclusions very quickly and when these rash conclusions are spread by word of mouth a lot of people will readily accept them as fact. Also, yes, a week is much too fast for this sort of thing but I'm not sure I could hold the reader's interest describing the months and months they would spend together trying to figure out each other's body language and speech to at least a minor degree. A spontaneous but deep love-at-first sight romance seemed more appropriate for a short-story.

Okay, it doesn't need to be months and months. A single month from first meeting to "becoming one in body in soul" would be far more believable. And you don't need to describe the entire time in detail, just have a short paragraph or two indicating time passing as you tell us important relashinship things. A week is just too fast for a human/animal relashinship, no matter how special the two individuals may be.

Something in the sense of a line like this:
"At the end of the week, Dracchus was surprised that the beautiful black wolf still stayed at his home. But inside he was glad, as he enjoyed the way he felt around her."

Then an important, more detailed peice, like the parts you've already written. Then, again be brief and try to give the reader the impression of more time passing. You don't even have to tell the reader how much time has passed, just give the impression that time has passed. Basically, more time needs to pass for this relationship to be believable. Also, with how easy this love is coming, I'm curious as to where this story is going. Unless this is the whole story. I'm not usually a short story reader. Anyway, I'm sure you get what I'm trying to say.

wow