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Young Writers Society


I haven't written in a long time.



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53 Reviews



Gender: Female
Points: 890
Reviews: 53
Mon Aug 21, 2006 7:19 pm
Whatsarahsaid says...



This is my latest effort, it's not my best work by far I feel I have lost something important in my skill, I took months off to discover what it was but I don't know. So where did I find my inspiration from? Postsecret. I was looking through my book and I read "Im sorry, we were young I think about it, and regret it, every day." My mind started jumping around and I ended up writing this. It turned out not to be about this card at all but a rather unpleasant piece, and not very well written anyway. I NEEDED to submit this to get your feedback, I need to know where Im going wrong.

Anyway enough chat, here it is;

I knew you wern't happy. More than you knew yourself. But I kept it, a secret my heart and watched your free spirit vanish, grow old. The fear I had, that you would see through my lies. When I said I loved you. Then you would hate me, and when that faded away pity would crawl through and would reassure what I felt inside.

The night I slapped you, I remember the hate I felt, writhing through my numb body like some dark mark. I saw the pain in your eyes and watched your love for me bleed away in those dark tears; a fading light. The numbness returned as I sat at home alone after you left. You even managed a brave smile as you said goodbye, tipping spilling drawers into your dusty suitcase. You had so many more places to go. Turning to look at me once again with those eyes, a look of cold hate in those eyes shielded by a ghost of a smile, we knew we wern't pretending anymore,, and it felt fine.
Alice♥
"stay up all night with the stars."
  





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24 Reviews



Gender: Male
Points: 890
Reviews: 24
Mon Aug 21, 2006 9:07 pm
MRMarathon says...



seems interesting and spiteful but you're right it is a little on the bland side.

i think you should create a preceding situation where there is imagery and characters involved or you could format it to seem like a letter to someone.

pretend this has nothing to do with you and write it about someone else saying these lines.

rewrite the whole thing with an intention of rewriting and changing it.

just a few things to try.
  





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122 Reviews



Gender: Female
Points: 990
Reviews: 122
Thu Aug 24, 2006 1:09 am
Karma says...



This didn't really reach out to me, I don't know why.


It seemed a little detatched, like there needed to be more description, like in the sentence:

"You had so many more places to go."


It seemed a little chopped.
My Karma Ran Over My Dogma
^------^
( 0 . 0 )
---------
Meow
  








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