Young Writers Society

This has been a Christmas I’ll never forget. It was Christmas Eve. Families were rushing home from work to sing carols and wrap the remaining presents. But this was no ordinary Christmas. Sure there’s lights and a tree, but not in a place that you would ever think of being. See I lived in a shelter for battered and abused women. I lived here with my two kids, Jenny who’s ten and Luke who’s seven. We went there about a few weeks ago. I have been trying to get a job, but since it’s nearing Christmas, no one was hiring. They have a tree set up here, a beautiful tree with sparkly lights and homemade ornaments all around it. Underneath the tree there were six presents, there’s one for Jeremiah, Kaylee and Levi, for Stormy and Raine, and for baby Ben, but no presents for my kids. When they came back from the mall and saw the presents for the other kids my son asked me “Mommy, no presents for us?” I didn’t know how to answer that so I just kind of changed the subject. I couldn’t tell him that there wasn’t going to be a presents under the tree for them. Jenny asked me “Why can’t we just go home?” I didn’t know how to answer that either. How could I explain to my children that we can’t go home because daddy beat me? How could I make them understand the situations that we’re ALL in right now? I couldn't’t tell them that we can’t go home for Christmas or tell them that if daddy was to hit me one more time, that I would have died on our kitchen floor. As everyone in the building was sleeping, I walked around the shelter looking for Jenny. I found her next to the tree. She asked me “Can Santa find me here?” I just told her, that with all of the other boys and girls in the world, Santa might run out of toys or just forget to come by. She looked up at me, her eyes were tearing up. I knelt down beside her and said “But things always happen on Christmas” that cheered her up a little bit. She walked to our room to sleep. Just thinking about it was just eating me alive. I felt so guilty and ashamed. So guilty because my kids were going to wake up Christmas Day and find nothing under the tree for them, ashamed because I had put my kids in an unhappy place. I could hardly sleep that night. I was tossing and turning in my bed, trying to figure out a reasonable explanation for why Santa didn’t leave presents for them. But you know what the most amazing thing happened when my kids woke up Christmas Day. They screamed in my ears “Mommy mommy Santa came Santa came” I got up in confusion, but when I saw that my kids were opening and playing with the gifts they’ve received I cried. My daughter came up to me and said “Best Christmas Ever.” You know I think that someone was watching over us. I mean after all miraculous thing can happen on Christmas.

This is a really heart-touching pretense. Wow. It's got great potential.

A few adjustments will go a long way to making this piece really shine.

One: format. If you look at the bottom of the page where you submit the post, you'll see choices for formatting. Click 'story' and you'll have a nice spacing set-up that makes it much easier to read.

Two: a few typos here and there. Try to re-read it and check for little errors. Not a big deal at all, but those typos can detratact from the story, so you want to get rid of them.

All in all: I love it. You've got such a great pretense, like something that would be a great piece in a magazine near Christmastime.

I give you a gold star!

Keep writing!

-Voxina

Oh, hey there TED! First off, the formatting of this is a little difficult to read because it’s a huge block. Paragraphs make things so much easier, visually, to read. But that will not stop me!

Sure there’s lights and a tree

‘there’s’ means ‘there is.’ What you want it to mean, I think, is ‘there are.’ It’s one of those stupid subject/verb agreement things. *fail*

We went there about a few weeks ago.

You simply don’t need ‘about’ in here. ‘a few weeks’ makes the point without ‘about’ being there.

I have been trying to get a job, but since it’s nearing Christmas, no one was hiring.

Now this I don’t understand because Christmas always seems to be the time when stores are hiring for extra hands to handle the rush.

I couldn’t tell him that there wasn’t going to be a presents under the tree for them.

This here has to do with subject/verb agreement again. Because ‘them’ is plural, the verb needs to be the plural ‘weren’t.’

I couldn't’t tell them that we can’t go home for Christmas

Oops!

Just thinking about it was just eating me alive.

You don’t need the second ‘just.’ It’s too repetitive.

I mean after all miraculous thing can happen on Christmas.

You don’t need ‘I mean’ here. It just makes it too wordy in my opinion.


OVERALL, this is a really sweet story. But I almost thing that you could cut some of the detail and make room for a little more detail about that morning when the presents were there. I don’t know much about Monologues, in fact, I know absolutely nothing about them. But I think you want to balance the negative of having nothing with the positive of waking up and your kids having something.

Also, here is a link that will hopefully be able t help you learn a little more about subject/verb agreement because that did seem to be something that you struggled with a little.

I’m sure I’ll see you in chat again!

~lilymoore

First off, I agree with everything that lily said. (What's the point of repeating what she said? ) Second off, this is not a script. If this were a script, everything in quotes would have the character speaking's name in caps, with a colon, after the name, and then an enter space, and then the dialog below the character. For instance, instead of this...

Jenny asked me “Why can’t we just go home?”

it would be this...

JENNY:
Why can't we just go home?

and all actions would be in parentheses, or brackets, and they would NOT, ever, be in first-person. It would be in the view of the director. (so third-person. ) With what you have for actions, I can't make a better version for, because there is no script variant on the actions you have portrayed. If you're serious about scripts, look up proper script format, and download a program called CeltX online. It helps with script format. Keep writing!