Deleted version. Please check the updates version on my profile. You'll love it! More a short story than script, I know. Appreciate all comments and advice received!
Last edited by mikepyro on Mon Aug 29, 2011 12:16 am, edited 3 times in total.
This was good. I thought it was more of a short story than a script, though, since there weren't any sort of stage directions, and it was told from the perspective of the main character. Also, the repetition got a little tiring. I understand that it was the driving force of the story really, but towards the end it got to the point where I was like "OK, I've heard this five times, let's get something new in here please." I know that there's not much you can really do about that since the main character suffers from short term memory loss, but I just thought I should point it out.
I thought it was cute and sad at the same time. I do also wish I could know how he got this concussions. Is there going to be more? Because I really hope so! Also, it'd be cool if he got to talk to the police officer Serenity more than once. Like after he tells him to go away, the police officer comes back, but since he doesn't remember to tell him to go away it all happens differently. Just a suggestion...overall though it was pretty good and cute. I'm not one for nitpicking though hahaha.
Have you ever smelled sunshine? Have you tasted the color orange? I know how you can... post880303.html#p880303
This is a gift. It comes with a price. Who is lamb and who is the knife? -Florence and the Machine
Well, I'm not going to go through it for grammar and stuff due to the format this was written. However, I will be blunt. If the intention of this was to be staged or performed in some way, this format is most certainly not a script format. I think this could make a great short movie of a sort, but the formatting is simply lacking of any script formatting.
Just a quick example would be to do something like this for your fist section:
Scene 1
(During opening dialogue, camera catches silhouettes of Tom sitting on a bed, presumably naked. Tom's voice is nebulous and disembodied.)
Tom: What am I doing? I'm in the middle of a room...my room. My House. Ok. That's the where. Now the why. I'm naked. Bottom half. Totally buffing it. Why am I naked? (A pause. Tom starts suddenly) Am I about to have sex? Better clarify that. (Looks up, shouts) Hello? (Voice is disembodied once more)No answer. So I'm not having sex. Course not. I couldn't be that lucky. So I'm naked. Why else are people naked in their home? Shower time? No. I smell springtime fresh. (Raises head again, takes a long breath) Springtime... Anyways, I must be changing then. Better finish that.
(A doorbell is heard in the distance) Doorbell. Someone must be at the door. Yeah.
(A brief trip through the house--the man is only seen from the waist up as he leaves the bedroom, descends the stairs and eventually opens the front door of his house. He opens the door to meet a short, pig-tailed girl in a green dress. The girl holds a large plastic bag and a clipboard.)
Tom: Hello?
Girl: Yes, sir. I was wondering if you'd like to buy some cook- (The girl screams and runs away, leaving Tom alone at the open front door)
Tom: (To himself) Oh Jesus. What's going on? Why's this little girl scout screaming? Why's she running away? (looks down)Why am I naked? (looks upward resignedly) I need to start writing this stuff down...
__
But that's just one idea. I'll agree that this would probably make a better short story than a play, judging by the way you wrote it. You do have a lot of potential for this one bit of writing. However, I think you should go back to the drawing board with it and really think about what form you want this to take. Even for a short story, this is just a little too direct and unrefined in its current state.
Now that I have been critical, let me say the things I do like about this. Firstly, it is absolutely hilarious! Your wit has great timing, and the factors you throw in just bring the comedic house down. Secondly, I liked where your characters were going, although more detail would be kind of nice. I also want to know if there are more installments to this. I could definitely see a romantic comedy film out of this, but a little more polish could be had from it.
In summary, great start! Keep working on it, and you'll have some great stuff out of this! Your base material has a lot of potential.
BWAHA! ow...my stomach hurts from laughing so hard. Sorry, but I just can't give a proper review because that was just too funny! My Grandaddy's sitting on the computer behind me and I'm over here having a cold case of "The Giggles" and it made him laugh, too, which made me laugh harder. Anyhoo, very funny.
You're more than wonderful More than amazing The irreplaceable Love of my life You're so incredible In these arms tonight The irreplaceable Love of my life
I think this was hilarious! SNL worthy, definitely. But I think at the beginning you should've put a setting to help the reader. And toward the end maybe you should've introduced the doctor again yo close him off as a character. Keep developing it it's coming along! If you plan on doing another scene do his date with Julie. Also I noticed some grammar mistakes that you should work on. Othewise it's hilarious! As I said...SNL worthy. -Klotrox
It was interesting, but it's not a script. Read this: www.scriptfrenzy.org/howtoformatascreenplay and download Celtx, which is a free script formatting program that's helped me a lot, if you wish it to be a script. It was repetitive as well. After a certain point, we just get it and there needs to be something new melded in. Remember that he's the one with short-term memory loss, not us. We don't need to be reminded every other scene because it gets boring after a while. Also, the characters seem bland cause there's no background to them. It kept me entertained through the whole thing but it really needs work if you plan to have it filmed or staged in some way. Keep writing.
And the angel said unto him, “stop hitting yourself, stop hitting yourself.” But lo, he could not stop, for the angel was hitting him with his own hands.
A very interesting story. I am hooked to read every bit of it until the last part. I am quite confused because too many conversation ----- repeating conversation, which you've done with purpose----- here which gives me a headache! haha.. But it was good.
It is our choices that show what we truly are far more than our abilities
LOL This was great! I laughed the whole time. Good job and keep writing!!
When he bares his teeth, winter meets its death And when he shakes his mane, we shall have spring again'
'Look there she goes that girl is so peculiar. I wonder if she's feeling well. With a dreamy far off look. And her nose stuck in a book' Something my best friend, Drew, said about me
Gender:
Points: 9094
Reviews: 120