Young Writers Society

Hi Wow, you've got a whole lot of reviews on this already, so I apologise if I repeat what anyone else has said (I haven't read over the other reviews).

LOKI
Alright, bird. Talk or die.
(He holds a knife to the raven)

CUT TO:

INT. THE GRAND HALLS OF THE AESIR. DUSK.
LOKI releases the RAVEN. It flies down the corridor, into:

Everything before this has been flawless and fantastically written. Here I think either I'm not getting the whole picture, or there was a frame jump that I missed. He grabs the raven and asks him to talk to him, and the releases it? It almost seems like you needed to introduce a character to tie him to the story, but did so in the most awkward and obviously contrived way possible. Also, it seems weird that he'd need to raise a knife against a bird, seeing as one could simply squeeze a bird to death.

ODIN
Well, my friends? What news have you got for me today?

I assume that Odin is talking to the birds, but you don't really specify.

She looks to one side, in time to see a small OLD MAN come around the corner, carrying an enormous bag of soup cans. Gwendolyn smiles - he is right on schedule.

I'm not sure with scripts, but is writing such as "he is right on schedule" something that would appear in a script? Because a script is a narrative without the mystery? Also, if she knows who the old man is, wouldn't the old man have a name?

The sequence repeats a couple of times: library, bus stop, clock, old man, bus. The first day, Gwendolyn is late, so she speed-walks. The next it is snowing heavily. The third day, she staggers under the weight of many shopping bags.

Not quite sure what you're trying to say here, and I don't know if scripts are allowed to take short cuts like that?

GWENDOLYN
I'm certain that you're mistaking me for someone else.

Would a real person talk like this? Don't over-dramatise what your characters say. They're only human, after all.

For a first part I think this is quite interesting. You seem to have a talent for writing scripts, but I ask why you chose this medium when your descriptive writing is beyond average. With your writing ability, I think it's almost a shame you're writing this as a script and not a sweeping fantasy saga

On to the next part.

- Jai

----------------------------------------

Well, sorry about this, but I didn't realise that all your parts were under the same topic! I'll continue the rest of my reviews here.

II.

Gwendolyn goes into the dining room where UNCLE NORVILLE, AUNT LIANE and BESSIE, 7 are already assembled. She puts the potatoes on the full table, and takes her seat.

I found it odd that you gave the age of Bessie, but not the other two.

AUNT LIANE
Norville! It's important to study the myths. They're a
part of our history. My great-uncle Valborg was quite
a well-known scholar of mythology, you know. He-

I feel as if you're trying to spoon feed the watcher. Yes, this script is supposed to revolve around mythology, but does it need to be so obviously pointed out? Perhaps Bessie could have watched a movie at the cinemas, something like Titans. I know that in all the schools I attended, we did not study mythology.

AUNT LIANE
What's this I'm hearing about our dear Noah?
(Coming back into the room. Excitedly.)
Does Gwendolyn have something to tell us?

Speech seems forced, unnatural. Also, with an awkward name like Gwendolyn, I would have quickly acquired a nick name, Gwen etc.

SOPHIE
I don't like potatoes.

CUT TO:

I don't quite understand the situation here. I don't think it's very believable. Gwen is obviously not the daughter or sister to Bessie/Sophie, so why is she cooking dinner for them? My family don't get together unless there's a special occasion, and I think, once again, you're introducing characters to your story when it doesn't really seem like you need to. For example, is Sophie even necessary to this scene?

NOAH
(shakily)
Good Afternoon, Miss Strom.

GWENDOLYN
(Sliding the book onto the shelf)
I've told you a million times - it's Gwendolyn! What
brings you to the library today? More books for Isabella?

NOAH
Actually, the reason for my presence is entirely
separate from my niece, Miss -Gwendolyn.

Sorry, but I assumed this was the modern era. Who talks like that? Why would Gwen marry someone who doesn't even call her by her first name?

GWENDOLYN
(Taking a deep breath)
Um, okay?

This seems weird. Noah is absolutely formal about asking Gwen to marry him, but he doesn't drop to one knee and present her with a ring?

-------------------------------------------------------

III.

GWENDOLYN comes through the front door and removes her outerwear.
BESSIE trundles towards her and attacks her with a hug.

I really think this needs to be explained. Perhaps at the dinner in the previous part.

"Oh Gwen, I'll miss you when you move out to marry that gentlemen, but it's about time you got your own house!"

SOPHIE
(As she's being led away)
I don't like going to the dentist.

I had a quick look over the reviews, and someone mentioned that they hear canned laughter whenever Sophie says anything. I do too.

BESSIE
How do you spell "pulchritude"?

This 7 year old girl recently said, "RAWR, IMMA FROST GIANT!" And now she remembers the word "pulchritude"? Doesn't match up. I don't even know what pulchritude means. And I don't think a 7 year old would be expected to know what it meant either.

Noah is tongue-tied. He hasn't prepared an answer. Gwendolyn takes pity on him.

I would never marry a man like this. No offence but you make him out to be an absolute loser with no appealing characteristics.

NOAH
May I kiss you?

GWENDOLYN
Well, seeing as we're going to be married, I don't
think that's an entirely unreasonable request.
(Noah looks confused. Gwendolyn sighs.)
Yes, you may.

... Modern day, yes? I believe this is possibly the only EVER incident of the above occurring. Hardly anyone believes in no-sex before marriage anymore, and I'd go out on a limb and say it is a terrible idea. What if you married someone and they absolutely sucked at having sex? You'd have know if you had tried before you bought.

GWENDOLYN
(Nervously reaching for her shovel)
I don't think that will be necessary. If you have business
with my aunt or uncle, tell me your name and I will
announce you.

Once again, language one does not use in real life.

LOKI
(Enjoying the feeling of absolute power for once)
A god.
Loki sweeps past her, up the stairs and into the house.
Gwendolyn sits, defeated.

Wow, Gwen is a push over.

----------------------------------------

IV.

Sophie flips her hair, bats her eyelashes and laughs much too loudly at everything that he says.

How old is Sophie?

AUNT LIANE:
And would you believe this - his mentor was a colleague
of my great-uncle Valborg! What are the chances odds?

LOKI
But you're to be Mrs. Andersen soon, are you not?
The obedient wife of a middle-class shoe
salesman. Is that really what you want?

I didn't bring it up earlier, but what exactly is a shoe salesman? In Australia we only have car salesmen. People can buy shoes wherever they want, and I don't think anyone ever applies to be a "shoe salesman" at a shoe store.

I feel as if Gwen gave up too easily regarding her fight to get away. She's accepting what's happening too easily. I would have screamed bloody murder.

-------------------

V.

LOKI
No. I'm useful.
(Beat)
It turns out that time doesn't heal all wounds.
Not these ones.

As I mentioned earlier, I could see this story as a fantastic novel, and I'm kind of sad that you've chosen script writing as your medium.

LOKI
What's the matter Thor- someone steal
your thunder?

lol

He sees Gwendolyn, and for a moment, the whole room is still. Then he drops to his knees in front of her, and grabs her hands, almost speechless.

So Gwen was right near the door? Or did Balder teleport?

ODIN
No. That I cannot allow. Your interests rest far
too deep in this matter. Anyone else?

Odin is authoritative, and then allows someone else to take up the authority? Why didn't he just delegate the job to Idun?

----------------------

Well. This was an interesting story. I have no idea where you're going with this, but I did enjoy reading it. I'm going to have dinner now, so I'll post the rest of my thoughts after.

Please don't hesitate to request more reviews from the Dynamic Duo

- Jai

THE END.

Mostly everyone had ripped this apart and as I'm rather stretched, I'll just tell you what I think. I'm so sorry for the wait, I was planning on doing this on review day but that has long passed. My Grandfather has been in hospital and so has my cousin so I was everywhere these last couple of weeks. It is my fault and I'm so sorry. I hope this is good enough. As you asked in my WRFF thread what I thought, I'm going to say exactly my opinion.

BLOODY FANTASTIC! I kid you not, I'm in love with this as I was from the start. You've got class and style that I haven't seen before, you're a movie director in the making. This has every concept a good show should have and I'm incredibly jealous of you, incredibly. I just hate to see your writing, it'll probably knock my socks off (not to say they've alreayd been knocked off!) Don't you dare stop writing these, I will personally hunt you down if you do!

One little minor detail would be to slow the pace a little. Your jumping a little to fast and that is leaving me re-reading previous parts more then once just to get a few concepts. This is only a minor problem, it isn't a large hinderance and it doesn't bring down much else of your actual writing. I reccomend that you layer. I think I mentioned this before. Just go through and add where you feel right, this will allow for larger concepts and more indepth analysis into what you're trying to get across.

As everyone has really nitpicked everything else, I feel kind of useless. This was great and I think I might just print this out for some more reading as I'm most probably your number one fan.

Again, sorry for the long wait, I should've atleast tried to squeaze more time on the computer. It was my fault and I'm terribly sorry. If you ever ask for a review again, it won't take as long as it did. This was just a one of thing. I want to read more so post on my wall when you've got something new up (or on my WRFF thread)! I WANT MORE!

Cassa-de Review-ae!

PS> Such a great ending. I love episode one!! Try and make this a show because I would be its number one fan and no one could stop me.

PPS> I'm sorry I couldn't give you a more in-depth review as I'm about to go to the hospital to see my cousin who has just come out of operating. I'm trying to finish the other reviews I've promised before I go and I'm desperately trying not to give anyone slack reviews. I hope my adive helped, so it can help you with episode two.

Hmm... unsatisfied, relieved, confused, not confused... all of the things that I feel after reading that last bit of your script. Oh, and did I mention, entertained, wanting more, loving it? Yeah, those things too.

This is a mixed review from parts six on. I don't have time to be all organized. Have other reviews I need to tend to.

ISEULT lands her horse in the stone courtyard, and dismounts.

I don't really understand this significance of this scene. I mean, the two characters in this scene, Iseult and the one she is talking to, have no previous or later parts in the script, so why does this even need to be included? When writing scripts, it's a good idea to cut things down so you have no more than you need. This way you will have enough time to add affects. If not, the episode would be all plot, like I have mentioned before.

Gwendolyn doesn't want to hurt Idun, but she has more questions.

I don't know how anything she could say here would hurt her. I wish their was more information on this.

The ravens.

Aha! AHA. I love how you did this. Amazing, memorable, it makes you go back and think "Oh the ravens! That's why they were here. Excellent job. I think it's very important in a movie or television show to refer back to previous scenes. This way the show seems like more of a life being played out than a couple of scenes slammed together.

But isn't it worth it? To have those experiences? to
know that you have had the universe in the palm
of your hand?

Eh. Eh. Meh. He could say something more spectacular than this, I feel. This is kind of bland, and while it is good and does make it seem like he has a good point, it's just not very interesting. I think you could come up with better. I like how your related it before to the library and how she obviously loves books. Do that again. Relate it back to some point. Or better, have her complain about her ordinary life earlier on, and then have him quote it now. That's how things usually happen, and I like that way of approaching scenes like yours and others.

I think that's all I have to point out. If I think of more I'll come back later.

I really did like this. I think you're continuing, right? Because you leave off too much. You leave too much unanswered questions, you have to write more. I absolutely love this. It is interesting and eye catching and just spectacular - one of the best things I have read on YWS. I

If you have any questions about anything specific, drop me a PM!

Classy

Oi! Sorry it took me a little longer to get to review these. I’ve been shopping for the last two days…bad excuse, probably, but oh well.

So, I found myself wondering: “How are these sections divided because this feels very short?”

One thing that also had me a little confused was the times right away because the only mention of setting was that it was in Sweden so making a mention of that would have been nice.

But the dialogue, which is key in script writing, seems very realistic, something that I know a lot of people struggle with. I actually lucked into watching an interview today with Thomas McCarthy who directed and was talking about the process of directing “Win, Win.” He said that the main aspect of writing a script had to do most with rewriting (not that I’m saying you should need to) but it was about looking at it and realizing that people and how they act out the dialogue is the most important thing to imagine while writing dialogue. (Just something to keep in mind.)

To Part Two!

I’m baaack.

GWENDOLYN
Yes, Aunt.

Something about this response sounds uncomfortable and not as natural as everything else so some more thought might want to go into this. The same applies to Gwen’s next line.


One thing that got me is the lack of introduction to Vera. She might not play the most important role but just throwing her into the story seems a little bit uncomfortable because she has no name that would be mentioned to a viewer and the same goes for the Head Librarian. Even if he doesn’t have any real importance, names make people seem more real. They define a person as who they are.

Whoot! Part three!

(also just realized that these were all posted in the same thread...)

SOPHIE
(As she's being led away)
I don't like going to the dentist.

This dialogue is again, an awkward point. Instead of the stuff I scratched out, try “wanna go.” It sounds much more like what a tween like Sophie would say.

GWENDOLYN
(Standing)
I don't think that will be necessary. If you have business
with my aunt or uncle, tell me your name and I will
announce you.

The chunk in italics sounds uncomfortable and out of the era. “I will announce you” feels very 1800’s while “I’ll tell them you’re here” or something along that line.


I’m starting to get a feel for Gwen finally here, especially at the part where she starts to hold the shovel more defensively. So props there. But right now, oddly, I have to say that my favorite characters are Sophie and Bessie, something you really don’t want because, well, they aren’t the key characters so be careful with this. Find little things that could make Gwen feel more realistic and give her some quirk.

Parts Four, Five, and Six!

There isn’t much I can say about part four right now except I was wondering how it is she got from the window to the porch. How? It seems like a clumsy transition without some sort of detail, even just her being bold and jumping right from her window to the porch.

Part Five!

Sitting along the two side branches of a ([_]) table

Huh?

It would be nice to describe the building you’re in a bit more, if only for the sake of people reading this. Honestly, I would love to have seen this matched with some kickin’ sketches or such of what your imagining.

Part Six!

IDUN
Bragi! Don't say that! She's right here. The poor girl is in
shock= she's had a terrible day.

Oop. Typo!

She picks up a vase off its pedestal.

I would have loved to at least cut scenes with that vase shattering just passed Bragi’s head rather than just hearing it from Qwen’s room.


But yay! I love the twist at the end!

Seven and Eight Baby!!!

IDUN
You might be surprised. Eat up, and we'll be off- you're
going home today.

I’m confused, mainly by the idea of her being surprised. Why?

One thing overall that is starting to bug me is the lack of introductions to all of these gods and goddesses. It would have almost been nice to have a scene with Gwen and Bessie, looking at maybe a book from Bessie with a bunch of pictures and images of these gods and goddesses that would look like their respective acted representations. Ya feel me? Or am I not making sense?

Eight

There isn’t much that I can say about section eight because there’s not much wrong with it. My only recommendation would be to add a bit more movement and actions to the interactions between Loki and Gwen. People move when they speak, they don’t just sit super still and converse, you know. I mean, me, I talk with my hands like no one else and I have a bad habit of pacing if I’m standing and walking. Even if I can’t walk, I shift my weight around from one leg to the other so keep those quirks in mind when you write action.

NINE

Person A: But wait, there can’t be a section nine.
Person B: Why not?
Person A: Because seven eight nine!

(I don’t know why I just did that, but I did.)

Ahoy!:D Bunny here for a review as requested.
Ok, so first impression time (aka thoughts towards the work as a whole):
As I said before, I'm not a script expert, but I have dabbled in writing scripts of my own for movie ideas, so I know how difficult writing in this format can be. (Like, pound-head-into-wall difficult.) So my overall impression of this is a huge "wow." You managed in eight parts to totally hook me and make me want to know just how Gwendolyn's story will go down. I think the premise for the plot is interesting too; I think people forget about how interesting Norse mythology can be and resort to Greek mythology since it's generally more well known. For a first episode, I thought you did a good job introducing characters without it being this huge overload of information. Same goes for the central conflict which I felt was both interesting enough to catch a reader's (or, I guess watcher's, hurr hurr) interest and simple enough that you can expand upon it as the story goes along which is important in any television show. My only issue for the story is that I had a difficult time figuring out in what time period this takes place. The characters seemed to be talking fairly formal, so that set me to thinking twentieth century at first, but then the language of the Norse gods was sort of informal and then there were the details like where Gwen worked and anytime Sophie spoke...Basically, I'm still unsure, and that's generally not a good thing. Maybe add a few more details in the dialogue to hint at the time period. Then again, I could have totally missed a huge clue or even a date spelling out the year for me--because that would be very like me to miss something that obvious--but I imagine I'm not alone in this feeling of confusion. Other than that, I didn't find any overreaching issues that screwed with my ability to get into the story. But yeah! I really enjoyed reading this, and I actually had no issue getting through all the parts. The dialogue could be a little awkward in places, but I think the plot has enough interest and a steady pace that keeps one invested in continuing.

Ok, so you wanted a review of the whole thing. ^ Tah dah! hee. But on to the gritty business. From the reviews I've seen posted before me, I think they've got the first few parts covered enough that you'll know what to fix, so I won't bore you with that. I'll just pick on six through eight as you desired. :3 I apologize in advance if I repeat anything previous reviewers might have said, but just take that as a flashing alarm to fix that specific issue.
...Alright enough prefacing.

Part 6:

Romilda is strong, dark-haired. She often saves weak men on the battlefield because she finds them amusing.

I found the second half of this line a little unnecessary. I think depicting Romilda as strong and dark-haired is enough to conjure an image in the reader's mind as well as provide a guideline for casting. The little detail about saving weak men doesn't add anything at this point to her character nor will it translate in a visual production of this scene. So, nix it.

Then Balder is a fool. I wouldn't believe that creature if
he told me that Asgard sits on the world tree.

Okay, so I need to read up on my Norse mythology, but this reference was totally lost on me. At least with Loki's earlier line about someone stealing Thor's thunder, someone who isn't well read on this subject can get the joke, but this...not so much. I'm not saying to "dumb it down" exactly....well, maybe I am saying that, but you can't assume the reader/watcher will understand these various subtle references. Honestly, I'm not sure how you could change this, or if you really even should. I just know that it confused me for a second, and I felt a little slow for not being able to figure out what Romilda was trying to say. So, I guess just keep a possible lacking knowledge in mind when you write parts like this. ^^'

ODIN (CON'T)
Romilda.


She stops, and turns around reluctantly

ODIN (CON'T)
Lovely as always.

This isn't a complaint. I just really liked this moment. I have a feeling something twisted is going on--as can be expected with gods. What is it with them and scandal? Nice touch. I'm interested to see what's brewing here. :}

IDUN
Besides, poetry is worse than physical cheating, it's
emotional cheating,
(Her voice begins to creep up in pitch)
You're cheating with your SOUL!

This freaking cracked me up. I'm already liking Idun and Bragi.
So, part six was good. You did a fine job introducing some new characters, but I just wish that you had taken some more time with Idun and Bragi here and their interactions not just as a couple but reign Gwen too. Same goes with Loki. That section managed to clear up some questions (sort of) about his motivations for bringing Gwen as well as instilling the curiosity as to who Balder believes she's Freya. Really, my only complaint is that this part moved a little fast. I understand that in a show, the timing would be different and with conversational pacing and any cinematography coming into play, the pace may slow...but yeah, just from a reading standpoint, it passes quickly.

Part 7:

IDUN
Everyone loved her. It was impossible not to. But, yes,
those two especially. They were at her manor,
Sessrumnir, and... something happened. She disappeared.
The only person whom they told anything of it was Odin.

GWENDOLYN
You said "was." You don't think that I have anything to do
with this, do you? You think that she's gone for good.

I understand what Gewndolyn is trying to point out by drawing attention to the passive tense, but the timing in relation to Idun's comment about Freya is a little delayed. When I first read this, I had to go back and reread Idun's to figure out to what Gwen had been referring, slowing me down and in turn disrupting the flow of dialogue going through my head. I would just suggest reworking this so that Idun's past tense statement is closer to Gwen's question.

Again, another good part. I still feel that the pace is a bit fast and there are places you could have gone into more depth...but I kinda already said that. ^^' I really didn't have any other detailed complaints with this section, at least nothing that I haven't already addressed elsewhere.


Part 8:

GWENDOLYN
Yes, but those are books. No one actually wants have
those experiences in real life. Sure being kidnapped on
board a pirate ship sounds like a great idea but in reality
it would be horrible work and you'd probably die of
scurvy before the week was out.

LOKI
But isn't it worth it?

...The scurvy is worth being kidnapped on board a pirate ship? That's an odd thought...
Just another clarity issue.

The Romanian Anti-Communist Resistance FIGHTERS lie bleeding in the crevices of a mountain, a barricade of assorted forest refuse built up in front of them.

Okay, now I'm really baffled about the time period. I liked this scene with the Valkyries, but I'm questioning its relevance. I'm sure you have a reason for this part, but right now I'm skeptical. But yeah, just again with the time period thing. I think to just outright specify would be the easiest way to clear that up and conjure up a better vision inside you reader's head.

He holds out his hand. Gwendolyn hesitates, then takes it.

Ah, our poor awkward human's fate is sealed.
Nice job tying up episode one with their little agreement. By requiring a week to pass before any major development can take place, you've bought yourself some time to world build and get more comfortable with all the characters as well as give the reader/watcher time to invest themselves in Gwen's story. So, nice work. My only peeve is with Frigg and Odin's random little scene. It felt really short and a bit out of place. Other than that, I enjoyed it. :3

I really love what you have here. You've tackled a big project it seems, but so far you seem to have a good grasp of what's expected and have delivered. I'm glad I got a chance to read this. Please let me know if you update and want someone to check out new parts. Lovely work, my dear, and if you have any questions about anything I've said above, please PM me or spam up my wall. I hope this helped in some way and that it encouraged you to write more.

Much loves,
Bunny

Okay, okay, I finally got to this review. XD Anyway. From what I've read so far, I think this has a lot of potential, and you're really good at this plotting. But, but! For me, this seems like it could belong to an Act One instead of Episode One. Ergo - so far, it looks like it belongs to the theater, not the television. Maybe it's just me, but I think you should arrange the plot around a little so that it's more subtle, but exciting at the same time. It kind of is just looking as though you're going to give away a lot of secrets in the next few episodes. Slow down, take a breather. And keep at it! You're pretty good at this.

Hello, this is only a quick reply and since i dont have too much time right now because i should be sleeping but ur script caught my eye im going to be short and broad...and dwell mostly in formatting because altho plot and characters are important as an individual who spent his time in college studying to be actor, writer , and director of film and theater you have to know the film industry is cuthroat and if ur format is wrong and u over explaing in the movements or get to repetive or narativy in the actions you not even going to get looked at. If i can help you at it would be to 1. find the book screenwriters workbook by syd field or realy anything by him is good:...we used his book in college. And 2. Google movies or tvshows u like for example Scary Movie free script and sometimes u will find the script u are looking for and it is in full propper format which can give u some examples to study or learn. I will get back on here soon and give u a full critique but its early and im exhausted so god night and good luck.