Young Writers Society

This is in the form of a movie. This will be a little long so hang in there. [just to let you know time at night is when the moon reaches a certain star and time in the day is where the sun is at a certain point in thesky.] oh and this is part 1

SCENE OPENS ON A FOREST AT TWILIGHT. SOMETHING MOVES IN THE BUSHES. ARROW COMES OUT . SLOW MOTION. CAMERA FOLLOWS ARROW AS IT PEIRCES A DOE'S BACK. A GIRL WITH LONG BROWN HAIR AND GREY EYES. SHE IS WEARING BROWN PANTS AND A LONG WHITE SHIMMERING TUNIC. SHE WALKS OVER TO THE DOE AND SKINS IT.

SIREN: Thanks big girl.[sighs] It's a lonely life... For you.

SIREN STANDS UP WITH THE MEAT AND HIDE AND SLOWLY WALKS INTO THE WOODS.

FADE IN-HILLSIDE WITH COTTAGE-SUNSET

SMALL BOY WITH BLOND HAIR AND GREY EYES IN BLACK PANTS AND A BROWN SHIRT RUNS OUT TO MEET SIREN. SIREN BENDS DOWN TO PICK UP THE BOY.

MAYLAY: What did you get today Siren? A bird? A pig? An elephant? If ya' brought home an elephant MaMa won't be happy.

SIREN: No I ain't gettin' an elephant any time soon.But guess what I got! It's your favorite!

MAYLAY SQUEALS HAPPILY.

MAYLAY: A deer!?!

SIREN NODS AND CARRIES MAYLAY INTO A COTTAGE THAT WAS CLEAN BUT POORLY FURNISHED. THEY GREET A WOMAN THAT LOOKS LIKE A MIX OF SIREN AND MAYLAY. SHE HAS ANGULAR CHEEKBONES AND DARK HAIR TO HER WAIST. SHE HAS VERY DARK BROWN EYES.

MAMA: So I heard that you got a deer.

SIREN RAISES HER EYEBROWS

MAMA: I heard Maylay squeal, Siren. Gather round the table, it's almost suppertime.

MAMA TAKES THREE PLATES AND LIES THEM ON THE TABLE . THE DISHES ARE WILD TURKEY, CORN, AND STEWED POTATOS.

MAMA: Siren, tomorrow you are to take Arbion to Zeldio Market. Daymien Benoti should be waiting for you at the entrance to the market.

SIREN GETS UP FROM THE TABLE AND LOOKS AT MAMA WITH A SHOCKED EXPRESSION.

SIREN: MaMa! I hate Benoti! He's concieted and selfish and has never acted like a boy in his life!

MAMA: He likes to keep to his books. Everyone likes him, so why can't you?

SIREN: Because of everythin' I just told you. Look, I'm fine with taking Arbion, he's a good horse. But Benoti?

SIREN SITS DOWN AND LOOKS AT HER MOTHER

MAMA: You will go, he's not a bad boy. Now eat your dinner; I won't have you starving yourself.

EVERYONE EATS UNTIL MAMA STANDS UP.

MAMA: Maylay, Siren, you have to go to bed. Blow out your candles when the moon reaches the North Star.

SIREN & MAYLAY: Goodnight MaMa.

SIREN AND MAYLAY GET UP AND GO TO A ROOM THAT HAS TWO BEDS. THEY LAY DOWN IN THE TWO BEDS AND FALL ASLEEP.

FADE IN- PASTURES- JUST BEFORE DAWN

SIREN IS WALKING IN A PASTURE AND WHISTLES LOUDLY. A PALOMINO HORSE GALLOPS INTO SITE AND MEETS SIREN AT THE STABLES. SIREN PETS ARBION AND SLINGS HER HEAVY BAG OVER HER SHOULDER. SHE MOUNTS THE HORSE AND RIDES OFF ON A DIRT ROAD
FADE OUT

FADE IN- PALACE ON CLIFF- SUNRISE

CAMERA CIRCLES AROUND THE PALACE

CUT TO- LARGE CHAMBER

16 YEAR OLD KING WITH BLOND HAIR AND BROWN EYES WITH A VERY STOCKY BUILD IS SITTING IN A LARGE THRONE IN A HUGE THRONE ROOM.

SHORE: The force will be arriving at Zeldio Market at Midday. Is there anything else you require?

SEBASTION: Not in the least. But get me a ShimmerHalo, I want to see the people suffer.

SEBASTION SMILES AND LEANS BACK IN HIS CHAIR WHEN SHORE BRINGS HIM A SHIMMERHALO. A SHIMMERHALO IS A CIRCLE THAT SHOWS YOU WHATEVER YOU WANT TO SEE.

CUT TO- MARKET- JUST AFTER SUNRISE

MARKET HAS LOUD MUSIC PLAYING ON FIDDLE AND PEOPLE DANCING. MARKET PEOPLE ARE YELLING WITH CUSTOMERS. SIREN RIDES UP TO A BOY WITH BROWN HAIR AND BLUE EYES THAT'S TALL AND LEAN. HE LOOKED LIKE HE WAS EXCERSISING(sorry if i didn't spell that right) A LOT.

DAYMIEN: Well Poccini, I'm glad that you finally arrived. Don't bother insulting me; I'm armed.

SIREN FROWNS AND DISMOUNTS HER HORSE THEN TIES THE REINS TO A POST.

SIREN: I was going to bother Benoti, because unlike you I do not lack self control and... charm.Anyway what are we doing buying a horse, or did our mothers make this part of their twisted little fantasy.

DAYMIEN: I think a little bit of both. [ smiles gloatingly]

SIREN SHRUGS AND WALKS IN THE DIRECTION OF THE HORSE PASTURES IN THE FAR SIDE OF THE MARKET. DAYMIEN FOLLOWS.

CUT TO- STABLES- LATER

SIREN: I really like the Palomino, but I think the Clydesdale would be a better workhorse.

DAYMIEN: Maybe the stallion Pinto but he's a litlle-

DAYMIEN STOPS ABRUPTLY BECAUSE THERE ARE SCREAMS COMING FROM THE EDGE OF THE MARKET. HE GRABS SIREN'S WRIST AND PULLS HER INTO A STABLE NECT TO THE CLYDESDALE HORSE. HE PULLS SIREN TO THE GROUND AS TWO SOLDIERS FROM THE CROOKED WOODS PASSED THE STABLES.

DAYMIEN:[whispers] Be quiet or we die.

A SOLDIER COMES INTO THE STABLES AND SEES SIREN AND DAYMIEN ON THE GROUND.

SOLDIER 1: Well, well ...well. I think Lord Sebastion would be pleased. I'm going to get a big reward for this. [smiles slyly]

SIREN: Why would you get a reward for turnin' in us?

SOLDIER 1: You have the Tattoo.

SIREN:The what?

SOLDIER 1: I'm not going to explain for you. You will follow me and if you or your friend step out of line I will put a dagger in your head.

THE SOLDIER SNAPS HANDCUFFS ON SIREN AND DAYMIEN'S WRISTS. THEN LEADS THEM TO A HORSE. HE TIES THEM TO THE HORSE. HE RIDES OFF.

Okay! Let's get down to the basics of this, going step by step.

1. "AS IT PIERCES A DOE'S BACK" I do things like this all the time when I'm typing so no worries.
2. Where does "A GIRL WITH LONG BROWN HAIR AND GREY EYES" come from? i.e. from below the camera view and thus the bottom of the "screen"? From the shadows in front of the doe?
3. When it comes to writing a script, you don't have to say "A GIRL". You probably shouldn't in fact, since this is not in keeping with the style. You can/should say the character's name. Unlike with a story, you can do this because there is no need for a lead in.
4. Good job when writing getting. It's important to note or at least write the way a character speaks since that is generally an interest, if not important, piece to them.
5. An issue when writing in the form of a script is that you generally have to describe EVERYTHING. When Siren and Maylay walk into the cottage, the layout should be described. Luckily, it's done in short, concise terms so there's no need for an elongated paragraph just about furniture.
6. "GALLOPS INTO SIGHT" This happens to people a lot, I regret to say, but again, not a big thing so no worries.
7. Exercising. Tada! The proper spelling for you to reference! It's a weird word that used to have trouble with too.
8. "INTO A STABLE NEXT TO THE CLYDESDALE" Again, little spelling and not a big deal.
9. "I'm not going to explain for you." should actually be "I'm not going to explain IT for you." No worries. (I need to come up with a different phase huh? That one's getting a work out.)
10. Comas and semi-colons.... It saddens me greatly to say this, but are you sure you know how to properly use those two grammatical symbols? Comas are generally used by people "whenever they take a breath" and that is the wrong way. As for semi-colons, it wasn't until last year that I knew what they did exactly and even now, about two thirds of my honor English class didn't know until the teacher explained it to them as well.

Over all, I'd like to see more of this because I've found myself curious about Siren and the world around her. PM me when you add another chapter please!

just to let you know all of the punctuation mistakes i take full credit for im horrible with puntuation. spelling mistakes is because i have a new computer and the keyboard is really weird and i press the wrong things. okay smiles

This is quite an impressive script, and I can see how this would work as a film.
The main thing I would really criticise on would be to put more detail into the script. When the girl with “LONG BROWN HAIR AND GREY EYES.... WEARING BROWN PANTS AND A LONG WHITE SHIMMERING TUNIC” is first introduced, you probably need to introduce her name in there as well. So something like:

SIREN, A GIRL WITH LONG BROWN HAIR AND GREY EYES WEARING BROWN PANTS AND A LONG WHITE SHIMMERING TUNIC, WALKS OVER TO THE DOE AND SKINS IT

Something like that. I don’t mean to be picky, but it helps the reader (or director in this case) in figuring out who is who.
But I do like the way you have described Siren. That aspect is good.

Dialogue between Siren and her brother Maylay is good and very playful. Works well as film dialogue.

I still don’t really understand what the deal is about the moon reaching a certain star and all that though, although that’s probably my own fault in that respects.

Again, when introducing the king and Shore, indicate who is who. I didn’t really know if Shore was king or if Sebastian was king or who was who until I read a little further. This gets a tad confusing when there is two people, so again reiterating my top point, make sure you clearly let the reader know who is who, even for a screenplay.

And the tattoo... you might need to explain more about it to us earlier on. It just seems to be placed in there strangely for some reason. I have no doubt that we will find out about it later on in the story, but does Siren not even know herself that she has the tattoo? All that stuff. (Sorry I can’t explain very well.)

All in all, this is a good start to what I’m sure will be an epic adventure. I’ll be interested to see what happens next. Good luck