Young Writers Society

Before we could start our story. Here's the list of the characters:
Gothic Jedi Naydy: A silent type. Has a sense of humor. Really hates to be piss off. And she is the partner of Jedi Aida.
Jedi Aida: Funny girl. Loves to have fun. Her favorite color is always Purple and she usually doesn't trust Gothic Jedi Naydy.
Master Denise: A really hard worker master. Always helping Gothic Jedi Naydy when she is one her episode. And she ment to be as a master for Gothic Jedi Naydy for the rest of her life.
Jedi Candace: She is being posses by Mr. Dark Potato head that tries to end all the jedis race.
Mr. Dark Potato Head: An evil darker that wants to destroy everything for his revenges.
Master Yamicely's: A really jodi. She has half side of nice and everything and the other half is wild and violence. And she use to be the master of Gothic Jedi Naydy.

[All it stared when the younger of senior jedi were about to gradute to become a jedi. Master Denise join the ceromony. To see her best co-jedi partner, Naydy to becoming a better Jedi]

Master Denise:Well, is about time they want to get out of this school.

Master Yamicely's: (get's up and stand on the microphone.) Fellow's and student of Jedi high school! I came here to congrants all of you. On you're best work! And now! Is time to put you with you're new partners! I will be calling be jedi's name.

Gothic Jedi Naydy:(arm crossed) I just hope I don't end up with that brat, Aida. She can totally ruin every mission with her stupid girlie attitude.

Jedi Aida: I just hope I don't end up with that weird goth girl. I wonder why she decide to become a jedi?

[A couple of hours while Master Yamicely's call everyone to go with there partner.)

Master Yamicely's: Okay, Comander J.L. will be partner with Comander Matthew. Next, Jedi Aida will be partner with.... Gothic Jedi Naydy.

Gothic Jedi Naydy: (in shock) What? What sick jokes is this? You expect me to join with that brat? (points at Aida)

Jedi Aida:At least you didn't lose you're cool.

Gothic Jedi Naydy: (grabs her shirt colar) Watch you tons, girlie. You don't want to mess this goth in here. (Let her go)

Jedi Aida: Don't put me with that psycho!

Gothic Jedi Naydy: Is too late. There's no other choice. (sense a dark power that looks up at the window)

Jedi Aida: Hey! Are you listen to me?

( Then appeared a light that was about to hit Aida.)

Gothic Jedi Naydy: Look out!! It's Mr. Dark Potato Head. (push Aida the other way and took out her dark red lightsaber)

Jedi Aida:Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!! (hit on the ground with her head)

Mr. Dark Potato Head: (look at Gothic Jedi Naydy then smirk) Prepare to meet your death, Gothic Jedi Naydy. (rush toward to Naydy and took a swing)

Gothic Jedi Naydy: (dodge it and made a small cut on Mr. D.P.H. on his leg and stood up.) No, you are wrong... Is you are going to die.

Jedi Aida: Don't worry, I got your back. (takes out her purple lightsaber)

Mr. Dark Potato Head: (calls the meat clones.)

Gothic Jedi Naydy: Aida, look out! Meat clones!!! (looks at Master Denise)

[Everyone went screaming while the meat clone attacks them. Naydy went to attack Mr. D.P.H.

Jedi Aida: Curse you, meat sticks!!!

Master Denise:(runs toward to attack Mr. D. P. H.)

Mr. Dark Potato Head: (uses his dark force and choke Dark Gothic Naydy) One more step and she is over!

Gothic Jedi Naydy: (use her lightsaber and attack Mr. D. P. H.)

Mr. Dark Potato Head: Ah!! (quickly cut her arm) That's for killing me!

Gothic Jedi Naydy: (falls down on the ground with her left arm cut and scream in pain.)

Naydy wrote:Before we could start our story. Here's the list of the characters:
Gothic Jedi Naydy: A silent type. Has a sense of humor. Really hates to be piss off. And she is the partner of Jedi Aida.
Jedi Aida: Funny girl. Loves to have fun. Her favorite color is always Purple and she usually doesn't trust Gothic Jedi Naydy.
Master Denise: A really hard worker master. Always helping Gothic Jedi Naydy when she is one her episode. And she ment to be as a master for Gothic Jedi Naydy for the rest of her life.
Jedi Candace: She is being posses by Mr. Dark Potato head that tries to end all the jedis race.
Mr. Dark Potato Head: An evil darker that wants to destroy everything for his revenges.
Master Yamicely's: A really jodi. She has half side of nice and everything and the other half is wild and violence. And she use to be the master of Gothic Jedi Naydy.

1. Grammar Mistakes in character descriptions: correct these please.
2. Your explanations don't make sense, you're missing words.
3. Is this necessary, or are you thinking the personalities aren't obvious in the play?

[All it stared when the younger of senior jedi were about to gradute to become a jedi. Master Denise join the ceromony. To see her best co-jedi partner, Naydy to becoming a better Jedi]

Master Denise:Well, is about time they want to get out of this school.

Master Yamicely's: (get's up and stand on the microphone.) Fellow's and student of Jedi high school! I came here to congrants all of you. On you're best work! And now! Is time to put you with you're new partners! I will be calling be jedi's name.

Gothic Jedi Naydy:(arm crossed) I just hope I don't end up with that brat, Aida. She can totally ruin every mission with her stupid girlie attitude.

Jedi Aida: I just hope I don't end up with that weird goth girl. I wonder why she decide to become a jedi?

[A couple of hours while Master Yamicely's call everyone to go with there partner.)

Master Yamicely's: Okay, Comander J.L. will be partner with Comander Matthew. Next, Jedi Aida will be partner with.... Gothic Jedi Naydy.

Gothic Jedi Naydy: (in shock) What? What sick jokes is this? You expect me to join with that brat? (points at Aida)

Jedi Aida:At least you didn't lose you're cool.

Gothic Jedi Naydy: (grabs her shirt colar) Watch you tons, girlie. You don't want to mess this goth in here. (Let her go)

Jedi Aida: Don't put me with that psycho!

Gothic Jedi Naydy: Is too late. There's no other choice. (sense a dark power that looks up at the window)

Jedi Aida: Hey! Are you listen to me?

( Then appeared a light that was about to hit Aida.)

Gothic Jedi Naydy: Look out!! It's Mr. Dark Potato Head. (push Aida the other way and took out her dark red lightsaber)

Jedi Aida:Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!! (hit on the ground with her head)

Mr. Dark Potato Head: (look at Gothic Jedi Naydy then smirk) Prepare to meet your death, Gothic Jedi Naydy. (rush toward to Naydy and took a swing)

Gothic Jedi Naydy: (dodge it and made a small cut on Mr. D.P.H. on his leg and stood up.) No, you are wrong... Is you are going to die.

Jedi Aida: Don't worry, I got your back. (takes out her purple lightsaber)

Mr. Dark Potato Head: (calls the meat clones.)

Gothic Jedi Naydy: Aida, look out! Meat clones!!! (looks at Master Denise)

[Everyone went screaming while the meat clone attacks them. Naydy went to attack Mr. D.P.H.

Jedi Aida: Curse you, meat sticks!!!

Master Denise:(runs toward to attack Mr. D. P. H.)

Mr. Dark Potato Head: (uses his dark force and choke Dark Gothic Naydy) One more step and she is over!

Gothic Jedi Naydy: (use her lightsaber and attack Mr. D. P. H.)

Mr. Dark Potato Head: Ah!! (quickly cut her arm) That's for killing me!

Gothic Jedi Naydy: (falls down on the ground with her left arm cut and scream in pain.)

There's really not much to say about this with the short length it is and the needless coloring of characters. I would venture to say you spent MORE time on that than anything else in this piece.

Again, grammar. Please work on that. It's littered about with mistakes and errors.

Next, verisimilitude. Is this a club at a school? If so it's not obvious. Right now, this unfolds nothing like a Star Wars setting I'm used to and expecting. So it's more or less addle minded and leaping about with odd personalities dressed up to be in "Star Wars" skins.

Now, this has humour. Fine, that can justify a bit of your scripting, but it can't be the leg you stand upon. What you need now is more depth, more length, and more exploration in general. As of now, there's not much else I can say since the things I've raised hamper any and all growth and display of the events and cast you give me.

Yippee!

I think that it was really funny. Although, it has a lot of grammatical mistakes and the word choice is a bit rusty. If you can, edit it more so it can be better; the funnier the better, right?

Well, I still think that it was humorous, plus it can be a favorite of Star Wars (or anti Star Wars) fan who is also a reader here.

Good luck in making more plays!

Al