Young Writers Society

AUTHOR'S NOTE: I will preface this with a synopsis and a warning. First the synopsis: This play is a dark comedy about a guy who is going to commit suicide, but decides to soften the blow by sending out a two weeks notice of his intent to kill himself to his friends and family. It's meant to be funny, so if you find it funny, don't feel guilty for laughing.

Now the warning: I realize suicide is a touchy subject, and not one that should be taken lightly. However, I'm of the opinion that nothing is exempt from being made fun of. If you know someone who has attempted/committed suicide, or if you yourself have attempted/committed suicide, I feel for you. I really do. But reviews along the lines of "You shouldn't joke about suicide" will be completely ignored. Thanks for your understanding. On with the show.



ACT I

SCENE 1

(Small apartment, present day. The apartment is sparsely furnished, with a couch, liquor cabinet, coffee table, kitchen table, and chairs. There is an entrance to a bedroom and a bathroom upstage.

DAVID enters from R., holding an envelope, completely numb. DAVID tosses the envelope onto the coffee table and crosses directly to the liquor cabinet. He opens it, pours himself several stiff drinks and guzzles them immediately. After this, he takes a bottle and a glass, crosses to the couch, flops down, and stares into the distance.)


DAVID

I can't believe it. I honestly can't believe it. What the hell is going on right now?

(DAVID pours himself another strong drink.)

My whole life. Gone. I invested my whole life into that business, and it burns down. And on the day that I was going to file for bankruptcy.

(DAVID looks around, and notices the scrapbook on the table.)

Ah, yeah. I was looking at that the other day, wasn't I?

(He picks up the scrapbook)

"David's Business Adventure." Assembled by Lori Cavanaugh.

(He opens the scrapbook.)

"Here's to your new adventure! Good luck! Love, Mom." Thanks, Mom.

(He turns the page.)

The first day I opened the business. March 14, 20 years ago. I was a lot skinnier then, wasn't I? Happier times. There was a moment there where I thought I wasn't going to make it, but it all worked out well. For a while, anyway. There's my lovely and supporting wife, Elizabeth, happy as always to stand by her man. I'm... I'm not quite sure what she's doing in that picture.

(He turns the page.)

Oh yes, the expansion. Bigger building, more employees, a record number of customers. I can't believe how quickly that business grew. The Key to the City! I completely forgot that I had that. I don't think I have the physical key anymore. I think I lost that when I moved out. Oh God. There was so much going for me. What happened?

(He turns the page.)

Oh, right. The giant super center opened up across town. It offered lower prices than I could afford to offer, and all of my customers went over there. Never mind that everything in that place was garbage. It was cheap, that's all that mattered. Even my loyal customers left me for the cheaper prices. The tipping point, as some might say, for the worst downward spiral in my life.

(He turns the page.)

Yeah, here it is. Loss of customers leads to a loss of revenue, which means I need to raise my prices to stay afloat, which makes me lose more customers. The only thing I don't understand is...

(He turns the page.)

...is why my mom included my divorce proceedings in my small business scrapbook. As if looking at the rise and fall of a life's worth of investing wasn't bad enough, let's throw in the dirtiest divorce in the history of the term. Thanks, Mom.

(He sighs)

The bitch took everything: my house, my kids, my savings, my spine. Everything went to her. Completely and totally destroyed my life. It was nearly impossible to rebuild myself in the midst of all of that negativity, but somehow, I did it.

(He starts to turn the page, then turns back.)

Remind me to throw that out.

(He turns the page.)

A quick run of luck, and here we are today. Bankrupt. Out of business.

(He closes the book.)

I have nothing left. Absolutely nothing. I'm not even sure I'm going to get any insurance money out of the deal. I remember not buying insurance when the building first opened, because it was too expensive for me, but I don't ever remember buying it after moving to the building. Ah, fuck. Life has been bleak for a while. I just have no idea where to go from here.

(He rises, pauses, and laughs.)

Look at me. I'm going crazy, sitting here, recapping my life like I'm in a fucking play. "David crosses the living room to the liquor cabinet and pours himself another drink because his life is totally miserable." Yeah, that sounds about right.

(He does his stage direction, grabs a bottle of liquor, and sits back down on the couch. He drinks the liquor throughout the rest of the scene.)

Sometimes I wonder what the point is. Look at me. I'm well beyond my prime. 52 years old, no future ahead of me, no family, very few friends. I swear, it's enough to make a man want to kill himself.

(Pause.)

So. It's really come to this. Suicide. Might as well. I've done everything I can do, and it's so pointless to try and start over. What can I contribute to the world? A lot of pissing and moaning, then I can start collecting Social Security, and then I'll die alone in this place, eventually swelling up and having my intestines spray out like a decomposing pinata. There is nothing left for me. I have to quit while I'm ahead.

(Pause.)

But as desperate as this situation seems, I guess there are still some people who care for me. My parents are still around. I have a few employees I still talk to. As worthless as I am, I guess I'm still worth something to some people. I mean, they all know me as this happy-go-lucky guy, it would be devastating to be smiling one day and dead the next. Maybe... maybe I can still work with this. Maybe there's some hope for me yet.

(Pause.)

Nah. It's sad to see an old man like myself try to jump back into the real world. There's nothing I can do. I hate being a burden. But I'm probably more of a burden if I kill myself. If only this were as easy as quitting a job. All I'd need is a two weeks notice of resignation, then coast for a while until that time runs out.

(Pause, then realization.)

That's it. I'll send a letter of resignation. A two week's notice of intent to suicide. It'll ease the sting a little bit, give them plenty of time to prepare themselves, and it buys me a little time to plan everything out and make it perfect. Yeah, that's what I'll do. I'll draft a letter of resignation.

(He grabs stationary and a pen.)

I have to make this professional and presentable. If something's worth doing, it's worth doing perfectly.

(He begins to write:)

"To Whom It May Concern:

In 14 days, I plan on killing myself, thus resigning from the rat race of life. I've come to the realization that I no longer have anything to contribute to this organization, and have thus made the decision to vacate my position. It is with a heavy heart that I must do this, but for the betterment of the human race, it is a decision I must carry out. Thank you for your many years of support, and good luck in future endeavors.

Sincerely,

David."

(He puts down the pen and proofreads.)

There. That sounds professional enough. I'll just make a few copies of this and send them out in the morning. For now? I'm feeling a little tipsy. I should head to bed. I have a busy day tomorrow.

(He rises, pauses, and laughs.)

"I have a busy day tomorrow," he said, as he replaced the booze in the liquor cabinet and headed toward the bedroom. He flicked off the lights in the living room and collapsed into bed, passing out immediately because he has nothing left to contribute to life. Curtain.

As a fan of dark comedies, I wasn't exactly sure what to expect when I started this. The premise seems just so out-there... but again it makes almost perfect sense. The concept of a resignation letter to life is so ironic that by itself it makes it funny, and coupling that with the great voice makes some parts almost laugh out loud. It reads almost like a book, and your scrapbook scene was a great way to give some introductory information without sounding fake or overloading. Your character is great, and his wan narration gives a perfect overtone for the play. Overall this is a great start to something I will definitely follow.

Also, I think touchy subjects like this need to be written about. Some things have become so taboo in society that sometimes it almost feels restrictive. I completely understand why people are like that, but if more people could stop taking things so seriously this would be a much better place. So in short, thanks for trying to lighten up a really heavy subject.

First off, I want to say I absolutely adore the sardonic narration you choose to start this play off. This character, David, uses his irony well, so that's a nice touch.

The problem was, I felt as if you were struggling with the beginning. By the end of the scene, we have a good picture of what David is feeling, but the beginning makes it seem.. well, a little much. If you want to keep all of those said things going, maybe add a bit more actions to this. Its very thick with dialogue and just speaking aloud to himself. Maybe have him pacing back and forth, almost delusional from all that has happened. What man in his right mind would sit still and think suicide is the rightful option?

So make him a little... losery.

The drinking is a good idea, but also have moments where he chugs. Make him steadily lose himself a bit. Show that this guy really is torn up. I picture him being very loud and boisterous and self-pitying in a sombre manner, so go with it.

And lastly, you have a few sections which have a bit of redundancy. For example;

A quick run of luck, and now here we are today. Bankrupt, and now without a business.

(He closes the book.)

And now I have nothing.

You use the word 'now' three times in a rather close perimeter. I suppose after he closes the book, it would give enough space for that last now to not seem so repetitive, but the second now for sure will need to be fixed. Its redundancy like that that will really kill your chances of dialogue actually sounded fluid and human-like.

Overall:

Generally, I like it. I like the tone of the character. I can really picture him as being someone who lost everything. You just need to make that loss known. There is lovely irony here, and you play on it well. Its just a matter of getting out the minor details and you'll have yourself an interesting start.

That and I'm hoping the later scenes are a little longer. This one was short mostly because I think you wanted to show us what this guy was going through. Just, when in play form, I don't think this scene would last all that long. So for future scenes, make sure there's quite a bit of substance.

~Walker

Thanks for the reviews. Made a few quick changes.

Alright, so,
What a strong beginning. I love reading plays, and I like how you didn't try to rush every single character that is in this play in to the first scene. It makes it stronger, and backs up the idea of David feeling alone. I also like the idea of the scrapbook, it seems like the exact thing someone would do as they started a business.

My only nitpick, however, is that the intro to the scrapbook seems a little bit choppy. Why doesnt he keep it somewhere safe, and then pull it out, instead of that transition?

Keep writing
~Wickedwonder

Hey Zo-- I've decided I'll go through every scene of the play you have so far and review them in sequence. So expect more soon!

The one thing that jumped into my eyes was this:

I'm going crazy, sitting here, recapping my life like I'm in a fucking play.

While some fourth wall tapping can be beneficial if done well, this is way too much. Especially in this way, out of nowhere, it caught me off-guard -- not in a good way. For one, it's been done a million times before, and I won't be surprised if there is a play somewhere with these exact words. On the other hand, you could leave the fourth wall reference in, but make it much more subtle than that. I'm not sure how exactly, but the way it is right now is way too jarring.

On the conceptual side of things, David seems to be a little too calm about the whole situation. I know Dreamwalker has noticed that before, so I am not really saying anything original here-- but if I was on the precipice of suicide, I think I would have been a little bit more distraught. Some shouting, some smashing plates (especially shouting! The guy is drunk after all, isn't he?). As it is right now, he's taking almost a buddhist-like approach: "This is the situation, this is why it's bad for me, this is what I can do to solve it." While it's conceivable that he could act this calmly even when drunk and emotional, it's a little difficult to believe. But then you're writing a (dark) comedy play-- so making it too emotional is no good, either. So I guess use your best judgment on this.

That aside, I loved it. The humour is dark (and actually humorous, not just grotesque), the character is well-defined. Looking forward to reading more!

Your whiskey,
cC

Hmm, me on scripts. Usually I terrorize the prose fiction and make people rue the day they dangled participles. But, sally forth into the unknown I shall. I'll probably just ramble at you, so take what you will.

First, foremost, most importantly, I liked this. I could see the scene and the story's easy enough to follow. The letter he wrote made me laugh. Not quite as hard as "A Little Priest" does in Sweeney Todd, which in my limited knowledge of dark comedy is the crowning king of awesome, but I digress.

Carbon above me mentioned

I'm going crazy, sitting here, recapping my life like I'm in a fucking play.

and I have to say I have to agree. While it did make me laugh, it probably has been done before, and it is a bit over-the-top. So obvious it threatens to drown out the letter that he writes. It's also a fairly cheap way to deal with the fact that he's talking aloud as if he were indeed in a play. Having him acknowledge it doesn't completely absolve the fact that his tirade is organized, clear, and followable. The only time people speak that way is if they've rehearsed.

The other thing about that line, though, is that it is one of the first times we actually get emotion. Of course, a calm, logical explanation of how his life has tanked could be funny in its own right. But then there's the fact that he's drinking, as cC mentioned. It's perhaps up to the actor to put all that in, but that'd be one damn articulate drunk.

So, it the dialogue believable? To me, it's too straightforward and clear and logical, with too much awareness of the audience. But, then again, this is dark comedy, not gritty realism , so I don't know how necessary it is for the audience to feel as if they're spying on the dude's life. Methinks there's untapped potential around here, though. My main question after all of it was, Who is he actually talking to? A younger self? His current self? An alternate self? Mother? Wife? Audience? God? Dog? Goldfish? As of right now, everything that he says drips with the purpose of exposition and catching the reader up, especially with that conveniently placed memory scrapbook, but I'm torn between guilt and laughter at the image of him walking in, taking a long drink after not saying anything, and then telling his goldfish his life is screwed.

Anyway, now that I've gone and spewed my own unimportant ideas, I'll turn it back over to you. Let me know if you have any questions, comments, chocolate to share.

Rach

Hey! Flemzo, Great work.

It is my first time in critiquing a script but no worries, I've read many and acted in some of them too.
I could actually picture myself in the audience watching this play being performed in front of me, so that's thumbs up for you right there...

I liked your narration and the description of David and his life. I liked the idea of telling about his life story through a scrapbook. It's not too much and it gives the character a great build-up in the play. Although I agree with wickedwonder, the 'scrapbook' is something that consists a whole and possibly giant part of his life then why is it kept just like that...

Nothing more to say than that I loved your play and keep me posted about the next edition.

Keep writing...
Moon

Alright, here to review.

First off, interesting concept, and definitely a good hook. Very well-written.

The one thing that nagged at me throughout (and this has been mentioned already) was that his monologue had a lot of exposition in it. I'm sure that it's very useful in plays, but it seemed like a little much here. I can understand this guy reminiscing, but it doesn't feel like the natural way people reminisce. It reads more like an author's notes of the backstory.

For example, this part:

The first day I opened the business. March 14, 20 years ago. I was a lot skinnier then, wasn't I? Happier times. There was a moment there where I thought I wasn't going to make it, but it all worked out well. For a while, anyway. There's my lovely and supporting wife, Elizabeth, happy as always to stand by her man. I'm... I'm not quite sure what she's doing in that picture.

"I was a lot skinnier then, wasn't I?" sounds natural. "There was a moment there where I thought I wasn't going to make it" does not. The eloquence of the latter sentence throws me off, makes me question the narrator's sincerity. Most of the time, a realistic train of thought isn't phrased that well (unless he's one of those lucky few who always think in elegant prose).

This is all just personal preference, of course, so I may be way off. The above posts pretty much covered the rest of critiques...

David really does seem like a man who would write a note of resignation from living. I especially like his sardonic additions to the stage direction. It has the signs of a great dark comedy, and I definitely look forward to reading the rest of it.

Hi there!

This is really good, I enjoyed reading it! I like how you basically made this one big monolouge. You really got into your character's head and brought out his emotions. This is a really depressing piece, but you made it enjoyable to read. I like how you used the scrapbook to trigger memories in his mind rather than just having him ramble on and on about his pathetic life.

Keep writing!