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Army of God



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Gender: Male
Points: 266
Reviews: 33
Tue Jul 26, 2011 9:43 pm
TheRobster1991 says...



Spoiler! :
This is the First Act. With the Teaser. It is Christian, if you have beef with that then there's a little 'X' you can press in the right hand corner of the screen. : - ). Also, sorry about the structure, I can never seem to get it right on here(It does look much better on word!)

ARMY OF GOD
"Christian’s Testimony"
TEASER
FADE IN:
INT – CHAPEL – NIGHT
Old, large. There are several doors around the room. In the centre sit
hundreds of people. On the pulpit is GENERAL PASTOR. He is dressed
in armour and holds a huge shield and a sword of light

GENERAL PASTOR: And this is why we must put on the whole armour of God.

CUT TO:
INT – CAVERN PASSAGEWAY – SIMULTANEOUS
It is dark, a horrid noisy wind blows. Demonic laughter echoes repeatedly

CHRISTIAN, a man with long messy hair, dressed in filthy rags, covered in
dirt, bruises and blood limps along fleeing. He has chains around his ankles
and wrists

Arrows fire at him

DEMONIC VOICES (Loud Whispering): Come back to us. We miss you. Come back to us.

CHRISTIAN (Groggily): No.

An arrow hits his arm. Christian cries out in pain

CUT TO:
INT – CHAPEL – SIMULTANEOUS
General Pastor grabs a thick black book and puts it onto the stand which is in front of him

GENERAL PASTOR: That you may be able to withstand in the evil day, and having done all, to stand.

General Pastor steps out onto the platform

CUT TO:
INT – CAVERN PASSAGEWAY – SIMULTANEOUS
Christian is on his knees with an arrow striking out his arm. Arrows fly at him

He groans in pain

He grabs the arrow in his arm and screams

CUT TO:
INT – CHAPEL – SIMULTANEOUS
General Pastor walks down the aisle towards the people

GENERAL PASTOR: Stand therefore, having your loins girt about with truth, and having on the breastplate of righteousness.

CUT TO:
INT – CAVERN PASSAGEWAY – SIMULTANEOUS
Christian is on his knees still. Arrows are flying. He pulls the arrow out

CHRISTIAN (Agony): Ow(!)

He rises to his feet

DEMONIC VOICES (Loud Whispering): You’re too wicked Christian. God won’t forgive a wretch like you.

Christian stumbles a little

CUT TO:
INT – CHAPEL – SIMULTANEOUS
General Pastor stops walking. He turns to the people

GENERAL PASTOR: And your feet shod with the preparation of the gospel of peace.

CUT TO:
INT – CAVERN PASSAGEWAY – SIMULTANEOUS
Christian limps along. Demonic laughter

CUT TO:
INT – CHAPEL – SIMULTANEOUS
General Pastor smiles warmly at everyone

GENERAL PASTOR: Above all, taking the shield of faith, where with you shall be able to quench all the fiery darts of the wicked.

CUT TO:
INT – CAVERN PASSAGEWAY – SIMULTANEOUS
Christian reaches a hallway with the title ‘Deliverance’

He walks through

DEMONIC VOICES: No(!)

CUT TO:
INT – CHAPEL – SIMULTANEOUS
General Pastor raises his shield

GENERAL PASTOR: And take the helmet of salvation, and the sword of the spirit, which is the word of God.

He raises his sword. The light of the sword gets brighter and brighter until:
The whole room is blinding with light

CUT TO:
INT – CAVERN PASSAGEWAY – SIMULTANEOUS
Christian comes across a long river of blood flowing out in front of him. He looks at it then plunges in
He crawls out, but his bruises are gone. He is completely clean and healed. He has no longer got any chains on his wrists and ankles. He gets up and stands

He in despair mixed with amazement falls to his knees and then flat on his face
A glowing hand grabs him by the shoulder. There is a deep wound on the wrist

HEAVENLY VOICE: At ease son, your sins are forgiven.

Christian looks up at him in awe then collapses

CUT TO:
EXT – GRASSLAND – LATER
There is a huge cave on the wall. On the wall is a sign saying “Mount Salvation”. There is darkness all around
A shining figure approaches. He comes out carrying Christian like a baby tenderly. Christian is unconscious and exhausted. The shining figure is so bright that his features are unrecognisable. Light shines off of Him

CUT TO:
END OF TEASER

ACT ONE
INT – ARMOURY – DAY
There is a vast array of armoured suits, like the one General Pastor was wearing. Next to the armour is a shield and a sword, again like the one General Pastor held

There are people who go in, they put their armour on and hurry out. Likewise there are people who also enter wearing the armour and take it off, put it aback and leave

HOPE, a very confident man, and COMPROMISE, a bigger man than Hope but not full of much confidence enter. They both wear the armour. They both go to wear their armours are to be put back. Hope turns to compromise, annoyed

HOPE: You could have helped me Compromise. I had arrows flying at me at all angles.

Hope takes off his helmet and places it on a stand. Compromise does the same.
They both start to take their armour off

COMPROMISE: I’m sorry my friend, I just don’t like the fighting.

HOPE: We all don’t like the fighting, but there are people under Satan’s power, and we need to fight for them.

COMPROMISE: I know Hope, but the front lines aren’t for me. I prefer to hang back a bit.

Hope turns to him in shock

HOPE: Hang back? Hang flipping back? I have seen the devils deals you’ve made with the enemy: ‘Fewer arrows your way less fighting on your behalf’.

Compromise turns to him in surprise

COMPROMISE: But how did you…

HOPE (Interrupting): Or have you forgotten that he who is in us is greater than he that is in them?

Compromise grows pale. Hope glares at him. They have their armour off at this point

Hope turns to leave. Compromise follows

COMPROMISE: There’s a new recruit. I heard someone mention of someone being taken to medical. I heard from a report that he was found on Mount Salvation after coming out of the Cave of Deliverance.

HOPE (Excited): Oh, I wonder what his name is.

CUT TO:
INT – MEDIC – DAY
A big medical room, filled with many cupboards and medical cupboards around
with many certificates of the Doctor

DOCTOR GRACIOUS a pleasant looking man with a bright smile and glasses is sitting in front of Christian
Christian wears a white suit

CHRISTIAN: Christian.

DOCTOR GRACIOUS: And how did you get here?

CHRISTIAN: I crossed the river of blood, then I…

Doctor Gracious looks up at him in awe

DOCTOR GRACIOUS: We need to get the General.

Doctor Gracious stands up

CHRISTIAN: General who?

DOCTOR GRACIOUS: General Pastor. The Lord has appointed him as a Shepherd over his people to lead and guild them in this war.

CHRISTIAN: War?
DOCTOR GRACIOUS: I am very much afraid that I can not explain such things to you. General Pastor will do that. Before I get him, you must be very thirsty. Are you?

CHRISTIAN (Nodding): Exceedingly. I’m parched.

Doctor Gracious smiles affectionately at him and squeezes his arm warmly. He leaves
Christian looks up around the room in amazement at all the certificates dedicated to
Doctor Gracious

Doctor Gracious enters with a glass of clear water. He gives it to Christian who drinks
Christian is filled with tremendous peace as he drinks. He finishes. Doctor Gracious
takes the glass. Christian turns to him in amazement

CHRISTIAN: That was amazing. That can’t be real water surely.

DOCTOR GRACIOUS: Oh but it is. And much, much more than that, it is living water that Christ our Master offers all new recruits.

Christian is confused

DOCTOR GRACIOUS (CONT’D): As the King himself said: ‘I will give to him that is athirst of the fountain of the water of life freely’. Now come, let us depart. You have an appointment.

They leave

CUT TO:
INT – MISSIONS CENTRE – LATER
The room is filled with many people operating at computers, there are bands with military tactical strike boards
At one of these tactical strike boards stands General Pastor with no armour on. Next to him are PREACHER, a lean man, with darty eyes and TEACHER, large but not fat, also quite tall

GENERAL PASTOR: We need to think of a way to break through the enemy’s camp, if we can secure the bridge, people can freely cross to the Cave of Deliverance.

TEACHER: You’re right. But because the enemy has taken the Bridge of Compassion out of our hands people no longer freely cross but have to go around through the swamp of difficulty.

GENERAL PASTOR: Then we have no choice, we must secure it. How many evangelists do we have at front line?

Hope and Compromise enter. Preacher turns to General Pastor seriously

PREACHER: We have many good evangelists fighting hard against the abode of Greed.

General Pastor looks over and sees Hope and Compromise

GENERAL PASTOR: Hope, Compromise. Come over here.

Hope and Compromise go over to the three of them. They salute them

GENERAL PASTOR: At ease boys.

They put their hands down

GENERAL PASTOR: Give me your report.

COMPROMISE: We have fought back Greed to the riverbank sir.

HOPE: There are so few fighting with us; many have gone back to the life of sin. Many have fallen away. But still, we shall fight them with all we’ve got in the name of the King.

Christian enters with Doctor Gracious. General Pastor looks up and sees them

GENERAL PASTOR: It’s true. (Calling out) Over here(!)

Christian and Doctor Gracious come over

GENERAL PASTOR (CONT’D) (To Doctor Gracious): Give me the news.

DOCTOR GRACIOUS: This is Christian sir.

General Pastor goes over to Christian. He looks Christian up and down

GENERAL PASTOR: Tell me, Christian, did you go through the river of blood?

CHRISTIAN: Yes sir.

General Pastor smiles warmly at him

GENERAL PASTOR: Then you are one of us. (To Doctor Gracious) Thank you Doctor Gracious. You are dismissed.

DOCTOR GRACIOUS: Thank you sir.

Doctor Gracious leaves

GENERAL PASTOR: So are you Hope and Compromise.

HOPE & COMPROMISE: Yes sir.

Hope and Compromise start to leave

GENERAL PASTOR (To Hope & Compromise): Since Christian is new here I want him to stick with you two once he’s given his testimony.

HOPE: Yes sir.

They leave. General Pastor goes over to Teacher

GENERAL PASTOR (To Teacher): Major General, I want you to go with Christian, pick out his armour and run through some basics with him.

TEACHER; Yes sir.

GENERAL PASTOR: Get him to the baptism pool and then bring him into the Chapel. Everyone must hear his tale.

TEACHER: Of course sir.

He salutes

TEACHER (CONT’D) (To Christian): Come with me Christian.

Teacher leaves with Christian

CUT TO:
INT – ARMOURY – DAY
Teacher enters leading in Christian

TEACHER: This is the Armoury.

Christian looks around in amazement
Teacher leads him to a suit of armour. At the bottom is a label entitled
‘Christian’s Spiritual Armour’

CHRISTIAN: Is this mine?

Teacher nods

TEACHER (Indicating): Helmet of Salvation, Breastplate of righteousness, Belt of Truth, Sandals of the preparation of the gospel of peace Shield of Faith and the Sword of the Spirit.

Christian observes the armour and looks at the back of it revealing
very little protection

CHRISTIAN: There’s little protection at the back of this.

TEACHER (Solemnly): The cowardly are not permitted either in this army or in the Heavenly city.

CHRISTIAN: Right, okay.

Christian turns and looks at Teacher. Teacher stares back

Teacher stops, he grabs the Sword and hands it to Christian who grabs it and
looks at it in wonder. He swings it around

TEACHER: For though we walk in the flesh, we do not war according to the flesh. For the weapons of our warfare are not carnal but mighty in God for pulling down strongholds, casting down arguments and every high thing that exalts itself against the knowledge of God, bringing every thought into captivity to the obedience of Christ. Come over here. I want to show you something else.

Christian puts the Sword back and reluctantly follows Teacher to a Bow and Set of Arrows

TEACHER (CONT’D): These are the prayer arrows. They are used much more than the Sword of the Spirit. They are used to weaken the enemy, free captives. The Sword is used mainly in hand to hand combat and very occasionally cutting the captives from the captors.

CHRISTIAN: Why couldn’t you just go and cut everyone’s chains?

TEACHER: They don’t realise they wear them. The god of this world has blinded their eyes. That is what these arrows are for, to cut through to their hearts, help them see the predicament that they are in.

Teacher starts pacing with concern

TEACHER (CONT’D): But men love the darkness rather than the light. They walk around without even realising that they are being controlled by Satan. He will use them as his puppets then enjoy their payday in Hell. We have to save as many as we can. That is what this army is about. We have very little choice. We must fight in it. Your baptism is your initiation. So… (Pause) Are you in?

Christian turns to him and smiles

CHRISTIAN: For the King.

CUT TO:
INT – BAPTISM POOL – LATER
A big room, there are many, many people gathered around a small pool
in the centre of the room. Christian is in the water with General Pastor

Watching from a distance is Compromise and Hope. They are both eagerly
watching Christian. Teacher and Preacher are on the outskirts watching
Christian as well

GENERAL PASTOR: So, do you Christian pledge allegiance to the Father, the Son and the Holy Ghost and to do your part in the Church of God to reach the lost wherever possible?

Christian thinks to himself

CHRISTIAN: I do.

GENERAL PASTOR: Then I further baptise you.

General Pastor dunks Christian under and pulls him back up. They is great cheering form the crowds of people

GENERAL PASTOR (CONT’D): It’s now your time.

Christian looks up at the platform and then looks at General Pastor unsurely

General Pastor smiles at him and nods. He winks at him

Christian steps uneasily out of the pool and makes his way up to the platform

He waits for the cheering to die down

CHRISTIAN: This is all new for me and I do have a tale for you. A testimony. It is quite long, and I will not bother trying to make it eloquent but I will speak from my heart.
FADE OUT.
END OF ACT ONE
  





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6 Reviews



Gender: Female
Points: 1015
Reviews: 6
Tue Jul 26, 2011 11:58 pm
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JaneAusten says...



Wow.... all I have to say is wow. You left me pretty much speechless.
I know nothing of how to correctly review a script and I really don't want any of this to change because you can definitely tell that God is speaking through this. Again wow. I loved the beginning teaser part. The way you described it was wonderful. You are a truly gifted writer and I love how God is working through you like this.

God bless you and what you are doing.


Wow.
'I will only add, God bless you.' - Fitzwilliam Darcy, Pride and Prejudice
  





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Points: 2564
Reviews: 129
Fri Jul 29, 2011 12:18 pm
Gracie says...



Hey there

This is quite good, but could improve a bit.

Firstly, I recommend that you don't use symbolic names like "hope" and "doctor gracious". I takes away from the other qualites of the script and feels a bit corny.

Secondaly, I recommend that you give the characters some more life. At the moment they seemed to be split into either being evil or perfect, with the exception of Christian. I recommend that you breathe some more life into them. Give them faults and downfalls, to make them more realistic.

Thirdly, you mention that this is a tv series, but i'm interested to know how you would build on it from here. Now that Christian is babtised I'm not sure where you would go from here.

Good luck.
I can't explain myself, I'm afraid, Sir, because I'm not myself you see.

Alice in Wonderland
  





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Gender: Male
Points: 266
Reviews: 33
Mon Aug 01, 2011 8:14 pm
TheRobster1991 says...



topic85234.html This is the next step. It is the following Act
  





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Sun Aug 28, 2011 12:01 am
Vasticity says...



Hi.

First off, the only problems I can find with your formatting is in the character names, you have a colon after the name and no enter space. Dialog shouldn't be formatted like this:
GENERAL PASTOR: And this is why we put on the whole armour of God.

But rather, like this:
GENERAL PASTOR
And this is why we must put on the whole armour of God.

Also, your parentheticals should be formatted too.
CHRISTIAN (Agony): Ow(!)

this needs to be more like this:
CHRISTIAN
(In agony)
Ow!

See? Correct those issues throughout your script and I see no other problem with the dialog formatting.
As far as the story goes, I agree with what Gracie says in that your characters have little to no substance and therefore the audience doesn't know why they matter or why they should care about what's happening, so they quickly lose interest.
The main issue here is the actions. For some reason, your actions go to a certain margin, stop, and then go a whole enter spaces before continuing the rest of the action like here:
It is dark, a horrid noisy wind blows. Demonic laughter echoes repeatedly 

CHRISTIAN, a man with long messy hair, dressed in filthy rags, covered in  

dirt, bruises and blood limps along fleeing. He has chains around his ankles  

and wrists 

Arrows fire at him 


There's also very little punctuation throughout the rest of the actions and some grammar is off, so the actions are the big main flag. I have no comment on the plot because I'm an agnostic and I don't want to offend anyone. So try and improve all that and your script should be fine.
And the angel said unto him, “stop hitting yourself, stop hitting yourself.” But lo, he could not stop, for the angel was hitting him with his own hands.
  








You can't blame the writer for what the characters say.
— Truman Capote