Young Writers Society

Characters:
Cat
Tamii
Lola
Destiny
Bea
Abby
[b][b]Boyz
Craig
Nick
Frank
Derek




Cat, Tamii, Destiny and Lola, walk into cafeteria. They sit at a table and Cat starts rummaging through her handbag
Cat: Who took my Lippy
Tamii: Nobody took it you put it in your pocket before PE
Destiny: Dah!
Destiny starts laughing, Cat looks mad and stands up.
Cat: You wouldn't be laughing if someone took your precious nail polish
Tamii starts laughing and falls off her chair.
Destiny frowns and slouches onto the table.
Lola: chair up Tamii.
Lola laughs and points at Tamii, Tamii stands up and sits next to Destiny
Tamii: what does every body want?
Cat: a lettuce sandwich with mayo
Lola: A drink of powerade
Destiny: a brownie and a hot coco
Tamii: Give me da money
Destiny, Lola and Cat all give Tamii ten dollars.
Tamii: Thankies
Tamii walks out, the Boyz, walk in and sit at the table opposite the girls

I like your title. It's really engaging. But, I find your story lacking something. Maybe, you could use more powerful words C: Thanks!

My suggestions are in red.

(Cat, Tamii, Destiny and Lola, walk into the cafeteria. It's lunchtime. They sit at a table and Cat starts rummaging through her handbag.)

Cat: Who took my Lippy?!

Tamii: Nobody took it you put it in your pocket before PE!

Destiny: Dah!

(Destiny starts laughing. Cat looks mad and stands up.)

Cat: You wouldn't be laughing if someone took your precious nail polish!

(Tamii starts laughing and falls off her chair. Destiny frowns and slouches onto the table.)

Lola: chair up Tamii.

Lola laughs and points at Tamii as she stands up and sits next to Destiny

Tamii: what does everybody want?

Cat: a lettuce sandwich with mayo.

Lola: A drink of powerade.

Destiny: a brownie and a hot coco.

Tamii: Give me da money!

(Destiny, Lola and Cat each give Tamii ten dollars.)

Tamii: Thankies!

(Tamii walks out and the Boyz walk in and sit at the table opposite the girls)

I enjoyed the storyline and the characters. It's a very good start, but if you fix a few things it can be a lot better!

You seem to have forgotten a lot of punctuation. Even if you're writing a script, you need to use it. How will the actor reading it know whether to be happy, or excited, or curious? As a script writer, you set the tone for the actors to fit into. You have to lead them in and guide their expressions.

Also, when you're writing stage direction make sure to put it in parentesies (sorry if I spelled that wrong! ). If you don't use them there's no way one can seperate dialouge from their actions. Honestly, when I read through this I had to really think which was which.

Oh yeah, one more thing. I underlined a word in your last sentence because I really wasn't sure what you were trying to say. Are the Boyz another character or set of character? Or did you mean to write 'the boys' and wrote it another way instead?

I hope this was helpful to you! Keep writing!

(Cat, Tamii, Destiny and Lola, walk into cafeteria. They sit at a table and Cat starts rummaging through her handbag)

(Destiny starts laughing, Cat looks mad and stands up.)

(Tamii starts laughing and falls off her chair.)

(Destiny frowns and slouches onto the table.)

Lola: chair up Tamii.

I don't understand this...

(Lola laughs and points at Tamii, Tamii stands up and sits next to Destiny)

(Destiny, Lola and Cat all give Tamii ten dollars.)

(Tamii walks out, the Boyz, walk in and sit at the table opposite the girls)

Overall a good effort but you just need to make stage directions clear... x

All right, there's a lot of things that need to be dealt with so I'm just going to go all at once:

1. This is too short.
2. There's no plot.
3. There's no punctuation.
4. There's bad spelling:

Tamii: Give me da money

5. What's with the smileys at the start?
6. I fail to see a point in any part of the script so I don't care what happens or who these people are.
7. It seems like something's going to happen at the end but then you don't take it anywhere.
8. You seem very random with your story, it goes from, where's my nail polish to random laughing and slouching to HEY, LET'S EAT! It's very off-putting and makes it hard to follow.
9. There's no formatting, read this: http://www.scriptfrenzy.org/howtoformatascreenplay and google Celtx, it's a free script formatting program that'll help a lot.

Overall, it seems like you either wrote this out of boredom or you wrote it with your friends in a chat room. Improve it if you're serious about scriptwriting.