Young Writers Society

Hey this is a musical I'm writing based on the Hans Christian Anderson story "The Swineherd"
At the moment I just want to finish a rough draft and any feedback is welcome. I'm also looking for something a little more interesting to call it.
So this is the prologue and scene one. I copied and pasted from a word document so it's not set out here exactly as it is on the word document, but you get the idea. Thanks and enjoy!

The Princess and the Swineherd

Cast
Prince Henry
Princess Rosalind
Lady Amelia – Rosalind’s lady in waiting
Lady Margaret – another lady in waiting
Lord James
Princess Evangeline – Henry’s sister
Rosalind’s ladies in waiting:
Lady Mary
Lady Jane
Lady Anne
Lady Gwen
John – Henry’s only servant
Howard – Swineherd
King Horatio – Rosalind’s father
Guards
Peasants
Servants














PROLOGUE
#1 Once Upon a Time

MARY
ONCE UPON A TIME
THERE LIVED A KING AND QUEEN

ANNE
THEY WERE SO IN LOVE
THE HAPPIEST YOU’VE EVER SEEN

JANE
BUT THEY HAD NOTHING
THEY WERE AS POOR AS CAN BE

GWEN
THEY DIDN’T SEE
THE NEED FOR MONEY

MARY
BUT THEN ONE DAY, THE QUEEN PASSED AWAY
AND IT RIPPED THE KING APART

ANNE
HE WAS LEFT ALL ALONE
DYING OF A BROKEN HEART

JANE
AS HE LAY ON HIS DEATH BED
HE TOLD HIS HEIR

GWEN
SON, ALWAYS TRY
NOT TO CARE

ALL
DON’T FALL IN LOVE
TAKE MY ADVICE
BECAUSE EVERYTHING IN LIFE
COMES WITH A PRICE
HEED MY WORDS
IT’S NOT WORTH THE PAIN
PLEASE DON’T LET ME
DIE IN VAIN

MARY
AND WITH THOSE LAST WORDS

ANNE
HE LEFT HIS DAUGHTER AND SON

JANE
THE HEAD OF A KINGDOM

GWEN
THEY HAD TO RUN

ALL
A KINGDOM WITH NOTHING
A KINGDOM WHICH
IT WAS THE PRINCE’S DUTY
TO MAKE IT RICH
A KINGDOM YOU WILL SEE
THE FATE OF
IF WE MOVE ON
FIVE YEARS LATER


SCENE ONE: CEMETERY/VILLAGE
(Henry is kneeling at his father’s grave, which has a rose plant growing on it with a single rose in bloom.)

EVANGELINE
(enters SR, runs up behind Henry)
Henry!
(She throws her arms around Henry, he doesn’t move)
What are you doing?
(She drops her arms as he stands up and turns to face her, John enters SR)

HENRY
Evangeline, today is a very important day. Do you see this rose? It only blooms once every 5 years. I planted it the day our father died and this is the first time it has flowered since.
(Henry picks the flower)

EVANGELINE
(shocked)
What are you doing?

HENRY
This is for the princess.

EVANGELINE
What princess?

HENRY
A very rich princess. Princess Rosalind.

EVANGELINE
Why are you giving her our father’s rose?

Marry For Money

HENRY
THERE COMES A TIME
IN EVERY MAN’S LIFE
WHERE HE HAS TO MAKE A DECISION
AND HERE I GO
BECAUSE NOW I KNOW
I MUST FOLLOW MY FATHER’S ADVICE
BEFORE HE DIED
HE SAID TO ME, SON
DON’T MARRY FOR LOVE
MARRY FOR MONEY
HE SAID DON’T MAKE THE SAME MISTAKES I DID
‘CAUSE ALTHOUGH RIGHT NOW, LIFE’S PRETTY SUNNY
YOU CAN’T DO A THING IN THIS WORLD
WITHOUT MONEY
SO NOW I MUST FIND A RICH BRIDE
‘CAUSE I’M TAKING MY FATHER’S ADVICE

John, saddle up the horses! I’ll just get my things and then I’ll be on my way!

JOHN
My Lord, don’t you remember, you sold the horses last week because you couldn’t afford to feed them.

HENRY
Oh right. Well, I suppose I’ll just have to walk then.
(All three exit SR, grave is removed, peasants enter)

FEMALE PEASANTS
IF ONLY WE HAD A LITTLE MONEY
WHAT WE COULD DO WITH OUR LIVES

MALE PEASANTS
WE WORK SO HARD AND WE GET SO LITTLE
WE BARELY EVEN GET BY

BEGGAR
SPARE A COIN FOR THE NEEDY?
I DREAM OF A LIFE SO GRAND

OLD WOMAN
OH HOW MY LIFE COULD HAVE BEEN DIFFERENT
I’D HAVE MARRIED FOR MONEY IF I’D HAD THE CHANCE

PEASANTS
DON’T YOU HEAR WHAT PEOPLE SAY?
NO YOU CANNOT LIVE A DAY
WITHOUT MONEY
(Henry, John and Evangeline re-enter)

OLD WOMAN
(Curtseying to Henry)
Your highness –

HENRY
Please, call me Henry.

OLD WOMAN
Yes, Prince Henry. I’m afraid I may not be able to pay my taxes this month. You see, my husband, he’s awful sick and can’t work.

HENRY
That’s fine, ma’am. Don’t worry about tax this month. Here’s some gold to get you through the month.
OLD WOMAN
I can’t thank you enough, your majesty.
(She wanders away)

HENRY
NOW I HEAR TELL OF A BEAUTIFUL PRINCESS
WHO LIVES BUT A KINGDOM FROM HERE
AND NOT ONLY IS SHE A BEAUTY
I HEAR SHE HAS GOLD UP TO HER EARS
SO I’LL MAKE THIS GIRL MY WIFE
BECAUSE, DON’T YOU KNOW THERE’S NO LIFE

ALL
WITHOUT MONEY
(Peasants exit)
HENRY
So you see Eva, this rose is going to win the princess’s heart. I can’t afford jewels, but who could turn up their nose at such beauty?

EVANGELINE
Well, it is very beautiful, and I suppose it’s quite rare too…

HENRY
But?
EVANGELINE
If she is such a rich and beautiful princess, she probably gets millions of roses.

HENRY
But not roses like this!

EVANGELINE
No, but still I think you need to give her something else as well. Something utterly unique!

HENRY
I suppose you would know. So what do you suggest?

EVANGELINE
EVERY MORNING I AWAKE TO THE SOUND
OF A NIGHTINGALE’S BEAUTIFUL SONG
IT SOUNDS LIKE THE SUNRISE AND RAINBOWS AND SPRING
AND I SWEAR IT NEVER HITS A NOTE WRONG

HENRY
It sounds lovely my dear, but that would involve having to catch the bird and find a cage to put it in.

EVANGELINE
(She looks at John and then at Henry a little sheepishly)
Well… don’t get mad but… I already caught it. I’ve been keeping it in my room in a cage John found me. But I told him not to tell you.

HENRY
John, you knew about this?

JOHN
Yes, my lord, sorry.
HENRY
Honestly, I don’t know what to do with you two! But really, what would I do without you? Eva, are you sure you don’t mind giving up this bird?

EVANGELINE
I don’t mind, it’s for a good cause!

JOHN
I’ll go and get it, my lord.
(He exits, peasants re-enter)

PEASANTS
IF ONLY WE HAD A LITTLE MONEY
OH HOW WE COULD CHANGE THE WORLD
WE’D HAVE CASTLES AND SERVANTS AND RICHES
WE’D ADORN OURSELVES WITH DIAMONDS AND PEARLS
WITH MONEY SURELY OUR CHILDREN
WOULD HAVE LIVES BETTER THAN WE
WE KNOW MONEY ISN’T EVERYTHING
BUT OH IT WOULD MAKE LIFE SO EASY

(John re-enters with a bird in a birdcage)

HENRY
Thank-you, John. Take good care of Evangeline while I’m gone. There should be enough gold to pay you and Eva’s maid. Wish me luck!

EVANGELINE AND JOHN
Good luck!
(Evangeline hugs Henry and John shakes his hand)

PEASANTS, EVANGELINE AND JOHN
IF ONLY WE HAD A LITTLE MONEY

HENRY
MY FATHER SAID

PEASANTS, EVANGELINE AND JOHN
LIFE WOULD BE DIFFERENT I KNOW

HENRY
LIFE ISN’T FUNNY

PEASANTS, EVANGELINE AND JOHN
WE COULD DO WHATEVER WE WANTED

HENRY
IF YOU HAVE NOTHING

PEASANTS, EVANGELINE AND JOHN
LIFE WOULD BE JUST ONE BIG SHOW

HENRY
SO MARRY FOR MONEY

EVANGELINE AND JOHN
SO HE’LL MAKE THE PRINCESS HIS WIFE

ALL
BECAUSE DON’T YOU KNOW THERE’S NO LIFE
DON’T YOU HEAR WHAT PEOPLE SAY?
NO YOU CANNOT LIVE A DAY
NOW EVERYBODY SING
YOUR LIFE IS NOT WORTH A THING
WITHOUT MONEY

Honestly, I'm not too great at reviewing scripts so I'll just comment on the layout. I don't see why you have capitalized most of the speech here, it doesn't appear to serve any purpose. If it's a song, or said in some specific rhythm I would recommend putting it into italics instead.
Other than that, the piece seemed to make a lot of sense. It was a little short though, so I'm assuming this is one part of many?

Hello, Emalily.
The prologue is interesting. It grabbed my interest. Did the King really tell his son not to care? But the prologue was also hard to read through. First off, the capitalization seems to serve no purpose. Secondly, it's very choppy. The narrator changes with every sentence and, in some places, it seems to change in the middle of a sentence. What point does this serve?

GWEN
THEY HAD TO RUN

ALL
A KINGDOM WITH NOTHING
A KINGDOM WHICH
IT WAS THE PRINCE’S DUTY
TO MAKE IT RICH
A KINGDOM YOU WILL SEE
THE FATE OF
IF WE MOVE ON
FIVE YEARS LATER

I think I understand why everyone is saying this last bit, but it seems to cut Gwen off a little. She should have a full sentence, "They had to a run the kingdom." Then, everyone can say, "A kingdom with nothing."
I don't think you need to say that the Prince had to make it rich. If the kingdom has nothing, then we can infer the Prince has to make it rich. I also don't think you should say, "A kingdom you will see the fate of, if we move on five years later." That sounds awkward. I agree that the audience should know that five years have passed before scene one, but that's not the way to say it. Usually, the curtain draws or the lights fade and then the narrator says, "Five years later". These cues (the lights, the curtain) are included in the script.

Apart from the formatting, you seem to have an interesting story to share.

MM

The capitals indicate that it is a song

WOW! I want to see more scripts like this!! This should be a real play!! Great job!! The characters names are awesome! I liked the beginning Keep writing