Young Writers Society

I don’t visit this sort of place because I’m a teenager with an over-the-top flair for the morbid.
My flair for the morbid is completely and utterly in control, thank you very much.
But seriously, that’s not why I’m here.

Last month was just ordinary graveyards. It was a nice run, but I’m moving on now to bigger and better things.
Prison graveyards are sort of doubly depressing. Like double-stuffed oreos, but in reverse.
I do hear that obesity has a positive relationship with depression, so you can never be too sure.

I am dead (ha, pun) serious. I am a guy in a trenchcoat in a graveyard and it just started raining.
Sometimes real life cliches are funny. Most of the time? Just irritating.
Luckily, I have the perfect tool to diffuse the situation.
Even if you’re not Hagrid, pink umbrellas do come in handy.

Five across, eighteen down from the entrance, I saw his name. Rufus Montgreggor. His middle name was Frederick, but they don’t mention that.
I found him. Five across, eighteen down from the entrance.
I found him. He’s lying beneath my feet.
I found it. Two scraps of paper clipped together. The last note, the last grave.

The first, a ripped out bit of lined paper: Use it, they’re good for you.
The second, a... are you kidding me?

I’m really just your average, everyday guy.
Honestly. I’m the most normal human male you’ll ever find standing, feet planted in the gooey gray mud of a prison graveyard, watching the pouring rain stream across concrete, wire, and the hot pink umbrella that’s shielding both me and the coupon for oranges I retrieved from the grave of my dead convict of a grandfather.

Well. You know what they say. When crazy old men send you on graveyard-hopping scavenger hunts that culminate in 25% off all mandarin oranges, you buy them.
And make some goddamn lemonade.

Wow. This is really totally cool...

I love how the dude is so morbid yet you had to thread in the bits about lemonade and the pink umbrella. It's really clever the way you wrote it.

I agree with you on how you could make it into a story yet you leave it like this. I think that it's better that the reader gets only a little of its taste before you pull it away.

I also love this guy's humor.

Loving this story, no nitpicks from me

Keep writing,
Alzora

Hey there, here to review. This actually surprised me a bit. You made very interesting use of the prompt. It was short and simple, but the ending made me want to read more. I didn't really see any errors as far as spelling or grammar; the flow was pretty good, as well.

Now, for the bad news. It was humorous at times, but some of it sounded extremely forced.

I am dead (ha, pun) serious. I am a guy in a trenchcoat in a graveyard and it just started raining. [This feels sort of abrupt. I keep getting hung up on it. Consider somehow making it flow a bit better into the storyline. Consider something like this:]

I am dead (ha, pun) serious. As serious as a guy can be when he's wearing a trenchcoat in a graveyard, and it's just started raining.

Shoot me. But don’t actually. [See, this makes it sound like you're trying to hard to be funny. Also, it doesn't seem connected with the story flow.]
Luckily, I have the perfect tool to diffuse the situation (other than my untimely death). [The part in parentheses doesn't make a whole lot of sense...]

The second, a- are you kidding me? [This reads awkwardly. Consider changing to something like this: 'The second...are you kidding me?']

Well. You know what they say. When crazy old men send you on graveyard-hopping scavenger hunts that culminate in 25% off all mandarin oranges, you buy them.
And make some goddamn lemonade. [Great ending line.]

Overall, though, I really liked it. Love to see if you continue with it. Keep up the good work!

This was so good.
Very... different and strange, but I definitely liked the writing style a lot.

I actually went to that website and did a lot of those exercises. It was really cool and helpful.

It reminded of an exercise where you turn on your ipod and set it to shuffle, then when a song comes on you write something related to the song. And you only have the length of the song to write. When it's over you have to stop.

Anyway, I really like this. I'd like to see it expanded, though, because there are still things I'm very curious about and want to know more about. Things I think you could explain further.

There's just one point I was confused about:

The first, a ripped out bit of lined paper: Use it, they’re good for you.
The second, a... are you kidding me?

You italicized the second part in the first line, and I wondered if you meant to do the same for, "A...are you kidding me?" It was confusing to me. I didn't know if it was the narrator saying that or what was going on. So maybe you could make that a little bit clearer.

I loved the ending. I just thought it worked so dang well. Dunno why, but it was like... a really cool ending, lol.

Good job! I would like to see more~~~ : )