Young Writers Society

Today in creative writing we had to either make the reader like a child-killer or make them dislike a seemingly wonderful child; in other words, each character had to be more than just a child-killer, just a wonderful child. This is what I came up with. I'm thinking of expanding to it and making it a short story, but this is it for now. Comments are appreciated, as always.

My name is Kaitlin Lindberg, and I’m eight and a half. I love my mommy and daddy and America, and I hate terrorists. Daddy says we shouldn’t let other people in cuz they are all terrorists. Mommy says our family came from Germany before America, so why shouldn’t we let other people in? I don’t know who’s right. Sometimes when Daddy talks about terrorists or other people he uses bad words and I have to cover my ears or Mommy will send me to my room so I don’t hear them.

I get good grades and like all my teachers too. I have a lot of friends at school but I’m not friends with Margo because she’s weird. Everyone says so. She draws really good but I pretend I don’t think so because no one likes her. The other girls hate her because she has glasses and always reads. They sing four eyes Margo, four eyes Margo with her stupid books whenever she walks by in the hallway. Is four eyes a bad word like Daddy uses? He doesn’t say that one but Mommy says it’s bad to call people four eyes.

Sometimes Margo tries to sit with us at lunch, but we all sit really close together so she can’t fit. Not even a bug could fit! That’s how close we sit together. We don’t let Margo in like America shouldn’t let terrorists in, only Margo isn’t a terrorist. Plus on the playground at recess we run away from her until she cries. Then we laugh at her. I wonder if terrorists cry when we don’t let them in, but I don’t think so.

Sometimes I feel bad when we make Margo cry, but if I don’t laugh at her maybe nobody will like me either. So I just laugh anyway and say how weird she is.

Hey,


I really liked this piece. You captured the voice of a little girl very well, though I didn't understand the prompt you were told to work with. :p One thing that annoyed me was that Daddy and Mommy wasn't capitalized (sp?). I liked how you interweaved the terrorist bit with the MArgo bit and even put the sterotypical 'loser' girl with her four eyes and weird books. I think that the endind was very abrupt and kind of random. I didn't like the last sentence and I think that the work would end nicely without it. This was a really good piece, but it was also very short so I didn't have much to review. I think you should expand on this, make it a short story or something.

Overall: B+

~Jas

Ooooooooh... a work by BlueAfrica? I want!

So, this one was almost realistic except for the fact that it was not nearly long enough. I don't know... little girls don't know when to stop talking, so I kind of expected it to continue longer.

With that said, it kind of ended on a bland note. Like, it wasn't really interesting or whatever. I think you should definitely expand this and have it end on a more exciting note. Maybe like the Ramona stories?

Well I agree that the piece is rather short and we're never given enough time to truly get to know the character but I think from what we are given we can infer just enough about this little girl. you get the voice down very well, though I think you could use more points that expand upon the rambing nature of little girls when they speak.

I have to disagree with the others above, I happen to really enjoy the ending. It's an abrupt, soft end that I think gives the piece the quiet power needed rather than an exiting or over the top end which frankly wouldn't fit at all. Idk, maybe I just really enjoyed quiet, emotional ends to stories (Father Buried, Family Affair) and I think you've captured that style fairly well at the end.

I was a little hesitant on the terrorist line, it honsetly seems a little out of place at that moment. The later point about her wondering if terrorists get sad works and helps to ease the awkwardness of that point but to me it just felt odd.

That said, ths is a solid piece with a solid character, would like to hear what your teacher thought of it in crwt class.