Young Writers Society

I agree with Formslipper

I think you just took my innocence.

I'm kind of scared to comment now.. That gave me the chills; every single sentence. I loved reading this, even if it was so dark. What a tragedy...I would love for you to make this into a full story or novel! I would totally read that...if my parents let me. O_o lol Anywho, this was great. It was awesome, and totally worth reading.

Hey there.

Wow. This is very very dark and gripping. I proabaly would not have loved it as much if you hadn't put in the two paragraphs at the end. It ended really well. Very sad and punchy. I don't think you could have wrapped it up better. The language itself was very good. Very lyrical and well formed. At times you I think you sank down into this deppression to much, to the point where it felt melodramtic. But most of the time it was very good however and really gripping.

So besides that one thing, this is very good.

Fantastically dark and emotional! I loved it!
Keep writing.
-Tory

Thank you so much guys

Wow, I was hanging onto every word. I could not believe he won in the end. It was chilling and amazing. This story has awesome intensity. You are an awesome writing. Please do not every stop.

It made me cry and shiver, giving me a sense of fear and pain. Good job *wipes away tears and smiles alittle* i really, really, REALLY enjoyd it. I hope you keep writing, no matter how depressing that is, it kept drawing me in, closer and closer, making me feel every pain and emotion the victim did. The end result was sad but it shows the affects on rape victims. On the way to class this period, my friend and I were actually discussing which was worse, murder or rape. We came to the conclusion that to men, Murder may be worse then rape, but to Women, Rape is worse then murder, as women may be more sensitive to their virginity or innocence, then testerone-filled males may be. Now, im not saying that there isn't female rapist either. ANyway, back to the point. Very well written, good choice of words, very descriptive and emotion filled.
Overall: Amazing Job!

Keep writing!

Another forever fan,
Black Ink x.

this was wonderfuly writtedn and well thought out, the ending was un-suspected, because you thought the woman was going to fight it and win, although i must say it was darkly complelling, and well revised and edited wasn't it? In te end i was excited for the woman, then myhope fell and it felt more realistic, and i loved it! although i'm glad it's not a true story, because it won;t have to rin my day XD

Wow. Scary. The ending. I mean, the whole letter, she's all, "YOU WILL NOT WIN," and seems, although obviously disturbed and depressed (by good reason), determined not to let this get the best of her. But then..."He won." SCARY. And actually the saddest thing (to me) is the fact that the baby was smothered with a pillow...how depressing. I mean, "Let's not get an abortion, but now that I'm all depressed and feel like killing myself anyway let's just smother her with a pillow. I mean, that's way less bad than abortion, right?" Okay, now I'm being sort of sarcastic. (Sorry, I can't help it. Sarcasm is my native tongue.) But anyway, I found that a bit ironic.

I have to admit that I did not read the whole letter (I've already done a few reviews tonight, and starting this weekend I'll have contest entries to review, and I'm very lazy), but I did read the ending paragraphs (as you can tell), and I have to say about those: Well done. Done in a way that makes this sound like a news story or something, makes it more believable, and like I said, it really hit me. Sca-RY.

~Blue

When I was little, I would draw these people on pieces of paper, cut them out, and then play with them like they were action figures -- we didn't have actual action figures back in Eastern Europe. This piece felt more or less like that. The characters are about as developed as paper cutouts get, everything happens for exactly as many reasons as a child's roving mind can gather, and once play-time is done, they get thrown away without a second thought.

So, the character development. Look: as much as I can appreciate a dark view of humanity, unfortunately making a man go around raping people for no reason neither happens often enough to chronicle in prose, nor does it make for an exciting story. You might as well have Mr. Rapist walking around in a top hat with a monocle in his eye and a riding-crop in his hand, cackling maniacally while twirling a thin moustache. Like those generic villains, Mr. Rapist is in it only for some fleeting earthly pleasure, and also like them, he has absolutely no foresight for what will happen later. The important distinction is that while they appear(ed) mainly in comedic works, this piece is by no means comedic. Not intentionally, at least. Is Mr. Rapist mentally challenged that he does not comprehend the meaning of rape? No? Ok. Is he a douchebag that just takes what he wants? Well, why not kill the woman while he's at it? No, he's not a douchebag either. Is he a coward that wants to feel powerful for a few minutes who finds he lacks the courage to finish the job by killing the woman after the rape? Sounds like it. But you don't show any of that. You've left me guessing. Prose does not like leaving its readers guessing.

Things happening for no reason. OK, you wrote a letter that's supposed to show a woman coming to terms with her past, and keeping the child to raise as her own. Noble. So-- why does she kill herself at the end? What, god pray, were you trying to say with that suicide? That life does not always turn out for the best? Good, good-- but that begs for an additional 40,000 words of character and situation development. It does NOT fit in a flash story like this, it just pops out of the blue and hits me in the face like a concrete brick. So, just like little carbonCore making sword-fighting noises with two pencils in the hands of paper figures one minute and then whooshing off on them like on rockets the next, you do things with your set pieces without any direction. Or sense. It's as if your only goal with this work is to throw as much pointless misery at the audience as possible. I'm sorry, but my heart strings are tuned to play a melody - and they will only be pulled when such a developed melody is being played, not pointless, aimless harping.

Finally, the ultimate fates of the characters. Really, it makes sense that you dispose of the both of them so cleanly, painlessly, and stainlessly. "Painlessly", you gasp. "But cC, she killed herself! How is that painless?!" Why, thank you for proverbially asking this question. I will answer it. Neither you, nor, by extension, your audience have had the time to build an emotional attachment to any of these characters. Really, this is a show vs tell issue. You say that she killed herself due to post-partum depression; you do not reveal her writhing in agony, making every emotional mosquito bite seem like a bear mauling. You say that he raped her; you do not show him admiring girls from a distance, if he is a coward-- you do not show him being rejected by the main character and then coming back to take what he wants, damn it! because he's a douchebag! But he's not. I don't know what he is. You just withheld this information from me. So when the piece is done and over with, you aren't saying goodbye to real characters - you're parting with strawmen equipped specifically for one purpose and one purpose only. When they're done, they can be thrown out without a second thought.

At the end of the day, I'm sorry to say this-- I almost never do-- but this should not have been written. Either expand it into a novel, or make it into a single scene. As of now, this is just an exercise in writing aimless, bitter misery.

Your feather,
cC

Thank you so much for that detailed review

This was a compelling story. the ending is good, perfect for a prologue in a murder mystery. The only thing confusing was weather she killed herself of the rapist killed her ^.^ Interesting.

I'm not with everyone else... I don't really like it. It could potentially be a great story, but it's not as "incredible" as everyone else is claiming. My best friend was raped last month... There is SO much more emotion that should be put into this writing piece to make the rape victim believeable. This is good, but it could be better.


Good job.
Keep Writing.

xoxo,
Kiicoh.

I like it. Sad that this kind of thing happens though. Hopefully one day this can end.

Dude, i totally giving you my kudos in this poem. it was wonderful!!

I hope you burn in Hell with Satan standing beside you.

i thought that was awesome! i would've said the same thing.

I wish the very worse for you.

that made me smile.

over all this was very well written and i think it's great you decided to write this poem abotu what happened to this woman. keep writing. also i have a poem think you'd be vert intrested in. it's a narrative poem called 'nothing friendly, nothing pleasant' check it out and tell me what you think.

I've gone ahead and upped the rating to 18+. Mostly because it rattled me a bit and I'm well over that threshold.