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Tue Jul 05, 2011 3:39 pm
Kafkaescence says...



Of Gypsies

I met a Gypsy the other day. He was ordering a drink in the old pub that made its bearing on the corner of Hemming Street; "Since 1914" read the sign above its doorway.

One need not be especially learned in one's knowledge of various cultural attires to know what a Gypsy looks like. Even so, I stared long and hard at his solemn, bearded face before sitting down at the chair across from him.

"Good morning," I muttered.

The Gypsy glanced up at me for a moment as one glances at a weed, then returned to sipping his glass, which rested lightly in the cup of his hand. "Good morning," he said.

I opened my mouth to speak again, then closed it, blushing. "I'm sorry," I said. "I've never had a conversation with a Gypsy before."

"Then there is nothing more to say," said the Gypsy flatly, and walked out the door.



A Walk
When I was small, my grandpa, whose wife had long since passed away, woke me, sometime deep into night's embrace. My blankets had been all but kicked about onto the floor, sweaty and invisible. They were red; I had chosen them because they looked so much like the ocean.

"Accompany me on a walk," he said. His breath was hot.

So we walked. We walked, not speaking, draped still in our drooping nightclothes. The moon had reached the end of its cycle. The stars shone dark and flickering from behind passing clouds. I asked him once where he intended to go.

"Somewhere warm," he replied.

After a while of silence, Grandpa's foot caught on a rock and he fell sprawled across the dirt. He was crying.

"Why does this hill seem so long?" he said.
Last edited by Kafkaescence on Tue Aug 16, 2011 12:31 am, edited 2 times in total.
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Tue Jul 05, 2011 4:03 pm
Hannah says...



Hey, Kafka!
I'm working on my piece for your contest. ALSO, Kafka is my boyfriend and I visited his grave less than a week ago.
BUT THAT IS NOT RELEVANT.

I'd like to talk with you about what you think makes a STORY.
For me, the first piece isn't a story at all. It gives me a place, a potential character, then tears it away. Nothing happens. Nothing changes. I have gone no where in the span of a story. No one wanted anything in the story, and I never got to see if they got it or not, because no one wanted anything. It's like a snapshot. But it's not natural. It seems posed. I feel like you put some words in the characters' mouths because they'd seem quirky and jolting. But I'd much rather get a deeper thrill from seeing the conversation between these two than the cheap and fleeting thrill of seeing the gypsy walk out the door and leave awkwardness behind.

The second one is absolutely more fulfilling. I wonder why you included this:

My blankets had been all but kicked about onto the floor, sweaty and invisible. They were red; I had chosen them because they looked so much like the ocean.


How is this relevant to the relationship between the grandson and grandfather? It seems "cool" that red blankets would look like an ocean, but it just makes me want to know why, and there's no space for your explanation, is there? If it's not relevant and I can't understand it, it's just frustrating and I'd rather move forward to what's fulfilling about this piece.
What I like is what is revealed through the grandfather's dialogue. It's stunning. It's like a poem, really, that's what I think this piece is most like. We clearly see the parallel matters that are being dealt with: the death and the walk (the hill). And the dialogue shows us exactly how he's feeling. It's so CRISP.

So now I ask you: why does the grandson need to be there at all? Just think about it. Why is it important to us to see him? What purpose does he serve? If you introduce him, we'll want to know about him, and you give us nothing more about him except his relation to his grandfather. And even that is wonky because you have the son refer to the grandmother as his grandfather's wife, which seems so distant.

I think the way that the son can be important is by showing a change in him. If we connect to him and he reacts to his grandfather's words in an unexpected or important way, we'll feel like we grew with him. You can handle that.

Anyway, I hope you can understand a little of what I'm trying to say. I'd like to watch you experiment more with these flash fiction. It's so difficult to fit a journey in such few words. :) Let me know if you have questions about my review.

Hannah
you can message me with anything: questions, review requests, rants
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Tue Jul 05, 2011 7:48 pm
Bhayden71297 says...



I somewhat agree with the person above me.

I like the way you end the stories, quick, and surprising, leaving with many questions.

But he truth is, they don't have a plot. The second story, just fell flat. You need to end that better. Give a reason to whats happening. There was no plot/conflict at all.

The first story wasn't as bad. I was intrigued by the beginning and all of a sudden, you end it. It's like reading only half a sentence. You start to get some information, but it makes no sense. You'd need to continue that a little longer and put an actual plot behind it.

Wasn't bad. i love writing flash fiction also.
-Brie
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