Young Writers Society

Some language



On the balcony, I asked the moon how much time I had left, and it looked at me and said, "I'm the moon. What do I care about time?"

"Well, look down at that tree", I said. I pointed to the old elm on the corner. "At night the headlights cut through those leaves and cover any passers-by in leopard-spots. And, being leopards and all, they think they're wild. But I know better. I count my steps every day, and that tree is 67 steps from my doorway. I've nicknamed that tree '67' now, so it can't trick me into thinking I'm an animal. It's nothing more than a number."

"What?"

"67. See, you think you're invincible and free because you're the moon and all that hot shit, but really you're just 10.8 million steps around 22 billion cubic kilometers of rock. You're no more wild than that tree sitting on the street corner, waiting to die while dogs piss all over it. You're dying, you just have more ticks on your clock than I have on mine. You don't care about time? Time is the only thing you have."

I sat back, pleased. The moon stared at me for a moment then went about its business. As it was leaving, it let loose a little shiver, and in some place far away, strange tidal activity killed 2,172 and destroyed 2.3 billion dollars in goods.

I laid back in my chair and checked the clock. 743 ticks down, 25 million left.

Heya, I'm Jojo, and I shall be your reviewer for today!
This is actually very clever, but it's missing something, here...
...maybe you could make it longer?

Grammar is in red.
Others are in blue.

Nightshade wrote:
"67. See, you think you're invincible and free because you're the moon and all that hot shit, but really,(comma) you're just 10.8 million steps around 22 billion cubic kilometers of rock. You're no more wild than that tree sitting on the street corner, waiting to die while dogs piss all over it. You're dying **We're both going to die, you just have more ticks on your clock than I have on mine. You don't care about time? Time is the only thing you have."
>**This sentence or phrase could be replaced by something that sort of includes the narrator and moon, making the reader know that the narrator just feels as though he/she and the moon are all heading toward the same destiny.<

-------this is where you begin to lose me...---------------

I sat back, pleased with myself. The moon stared at me for a moment then went off on-choppy its business. As it was left, it let loose a little shiver, and in some place far away, strange tidal activity killed 2,112 and destroyed 2.3 billion dollars in goods.

( What bothers me is how you know all of that just then in that moment. )Shouldn't or couldn't you add a sentence or two about how you "strangely" found that our on the news the next morning or day or something? This idea needs to come together and makes clear sense.

I laid back in my chair and checked the clock. 2112 ticks down, 25 million left.

Overall:This is a very clever idea you have here, the relationship between the knowledge and outcome just seems to be missing. I'm all for awkward pessimism, when it adds up.
This is a short, depressing passage, and that's a good thing. it's not long enough to depress me, and for that I give you props, but it just needs a clearer relationship. You don't reveal enough about the point you are trying to make and I feel as though you could add a lot more to make it come together. The MC doesn't have a clear motive, you know?

It's really nice, but it feels like you are either trying to jam multiple points into one passage, or are just not making your main point clear enough.

Other than that, nice job!
Keep Writing!
-------------------
-Jojo

Brilliant execution. Don't let anyone tell you otherwise. This is a style unto itself. You had balls to attempt it and had the balls to get it done. For the length and intention, well done. I won't nitpick because it's not necessary. Been too long since I've seen such a complete work that is also short.

I find this piece really clever. I like it Well done I won't correct it anymore since it's not really that necessary. Good job! Keep it up!

I really, really, really want to review this right now. But I just don't have the time, so this is me reserving a space. But I will say that my opinion is a bit different from everyone else's -- but it's just that. An opinion. I don't think it really matters much, especially when everyone else loves it.

The numbers. Send me an explanation, yeah? I'll review this by Sunday, anyway, so you really don't have to, but I think I may be missing the point. My review will probably end up chasing its own tail if I write it based on what I'm assuming.

(I just realized it sounds like I hated it or something. It was just a couple small problems. The story as a whole is great.)

Haha this was My story!! Smartass and In Your Face! Take that moon!! Bahaha LOVED IT! Interesting, very interesting! Keep up the good work!

Well, the first word that comes to mind is brilliant, misunderstood, wonderfully executed, brilliance. I am personally a huge fan of the idea of time, and thats just what it is, an idea. And you turning time, steps, distance, length, and so on, into steps, and just simple numbers.
The character of the story, whether he was based off of you or not, is quite cocky, making me love him even more. He just tell's it as it is, if you get my drift, and takes a quite difficult topic such as the moon and distance, and like I have said before, just describes them with a simple number. Okay, I am done repeating myself, I just wanted to share how incredible I believe this piece was!
~SnowBerry

Ah, I loved this. The way you portrayed the moon, and talked about the tree, it just made sense to me. I loved how you made it seem as everything, everyone, was just a number, we were the same in some way, nothing is more extraordinary than another. And I really enjoyed that concept. I think the language gave a nice touch, it just made it feel more real and you didn't go overboard with it. You had just the right amount of oomf to catch a readers attention and hold it there. Which was great, a job well done =]

You should consider giving this the co-title, “or, OCD Smartass Tries Shrooms”.

I’m fencing on this one, actually. I like it because it’s clever and I really, really love the bit about leopards and the power of rationalization, but it really stops there for me. I think you’re missing layers. I know Mustard said it was complete, but I heavily disagree.

It’s an argument and a hidden trick about how to deal with panic disorder or hallucinations if you’re unfamiliar with them. And on top of everything, it just felt so damn gimmicky in the second-to-last paragraph, even though you didn’t use a gimmick.

I wish there was a word for the feeling I get. Almost the opposite of pretentious, but on purpose, which I think is its own form of pretention.

I feel like the second-to-last paragraph should have some sort of deep philosophical revelation in it that I’m missing, but I don’t think I am.

Anyway, you go on about how the moon thinks he’s invincible and free, despite the fact that the moon is ridiculously limited in motion—I think the sentiment misses due to the lack of actual backing. Or maybe you were aiming for a “look at how utterly powerless ethereal concepts are to those of us with rational minds” deal, which is a decent tone, but it just…eh.

Yeah. It needs more. Not necessarily length or content, but certainly solidified meat. It’s not a complete piece, but it does have me on the fence, which does count for something.

I’m fairly certain this is the worst review I’ve ever given you, both in opinion and quality. Ah well. Humanization and all that jazz.

-Lumi

Nightshade, you have earned my respect.

Not much to say on my part, but I thought I'd just let you know - I love this piece of work!

I was confused at the first part, but other than that I really loved reading this. It makes you think!!

That was really brilliant!
It's sort of the only one of its kind I've seen on here so far, and you did a really good job.
I know this seems like a bit of a cop-out, but I believe all your previous reviewers have said it all for me. So all I shall say is that it was thought-provoking, unusual and very clever, and I hope to see more from you!
- Ignis

Dear, Mr. Shade, you already know I have some "mer mer mer"s about this. There were parts of it that I really liked, but we already know your strengths as a writer, so I will only touch on them.

I think that this is my least favorite work of yours that I have read. The themes are all there: the unpredictability of people, the calculating, scientific presence around us, etc. And those parts are amazing and really make the reader think. You're incredible for them, but something is very missing. Maybe it's supposed to be that way and make the reader feel like clinging onto something and then feel empty. Hmm...

Let's go into some analysis. The ideas presented in this work are a bit unsettling. The narrator tames the uncertainty of his life through counting, through numbers, and calculating. This brings the illusion of safety to him.

-->In the first paragraph, the narrator asks the moon how long "he" (the narrator) has left until he dies. This seems to be a way for him to reach out to something greater than himself. In return, the moon tells him (basically) "I'm greater than you because I'm a celestial being and so I don't share your concerns." The moon is kinda right. Alright, from this, when the narrator gets upset, we can establish that the narrator is either pompous or an idiot. We both knows he's just arrogant. He very well knows the moon is pretty great and part of him thinks he's on a level playing field with said moon. (**I'm pretty sure that the moon is just the moon as far as symbols go. The moon just helps tell the story--but let's put a little tab on that because maybe I'll change my mind.**)

-->Onto paragraph two,

"Well, look down at that tree", I said. I pointed to the old elm on the corner. "At night the headlights cut through those leaves and cover any passers-by in leopard-spots. And, being leopards and all, they think they're wild. But I know better. I count my steps every day, and that tree is 67 steps from my doorway. I've nicknamed that tree '67' now, so it can't trick me into thinking I'm an animal. It's nothing more than a number."

A little bit of credit before I analyze: I like the last few sentences, the simple use of "nickname" rather than "name" or "call" implies that the narrator does know that the tree is more than a number but has trouble with the concept of it being beyond a number. -- Onto analyzing: What a depressing idea this paragraph presents. Because the tree causes people to look wild, he is disgusted by the tree and, going straight to the source, he tames the tree (in his mind, at least) by assigning it a number. Although, as discussed earlier, he cannot completely ignore that the tree is more than a number. Now let's apply this ideal to civilization, because Mr. Narrator represents more than himself. People react to uncertainties like death and gods by sciences and numbers. And perhaps obsess about them. This gives the image of a society obsessed with numbers instead of experiences. Maybe that's all we are, and all we are doing. Kinda sucks the breath out of my lungs. This paragraph presents the perspective of the narrator.

-->Third Paragraph: The moon's kinda like, "Um...what the hell?" And the narrator deserves that, "What?" because he's kind of acting like a nut job. The narrator's being that awkward guy that tells you just a little bit too much.

-->Fourth Paragraph:

"67. See, you think you're invincible and free because you're the moon and all that hot shit, but really you're just 10.8 million steps around 22 billion cubic kilometers of rock. You're no more wild than that tree sitting on the street corner, waiting to die while dogs piss all over it. You're dying, you just have more ticks on your clock than I have on mine. You don't care about time? Time is the only thing you have."

Now the narrator is being arrogant again. He's trying to find commonalities with the moon. The narrator is obsessed with time and feels it is the only marker for life. (**Let's stick a tab here because I'll be back with more ideas later**)

-->Fifth and Sixth Paragraphs:

I sat back, pleased. The moon stared at me for a moment then went about its business. As it was leaving, it let loose a little shiver, and in some place far away, strange tidal activity killed 2,172 and destroyed 2.3 billion dollars in goods.

I laid back in my chair and checked the clock. 2172 ticks down, 25 million left.

Here, the moon is most likely "whatever" and kills those people as an act of brute strength and to show its power...but the narrator doesn't seem to notice. (**Tab here because I have more to say, I'm just worn out**) The narrator is quiiite egotistical, as shown before and thus this presents the ideas of the general public: Just because we're "civilized" we think we're much more intelligent to anything wild or "savage." (**Tab**) Ok, but the 6th paragraph...what the...2172 ticks down...and 2172 people die...either this is an accident on your part or I am a little lost. I'm not sure what the comparison is. Are 25 million people left to die? But, the ending does bring a "full-circle" to the piece, looking back to the beginning.

Alright, in conclusion, this little prose reminds me heavily of Vonnegut but offers no positive way out. There is no solution, people are obsessed with themselves, their own self importance, and time--that's just the way it is. That's the reason I don't like it: I hate the narrator and the (true?) ideas in it. (**Tab, I'm worn out**)

Also, this whole thing says some pretty messed up and interesting things about you, my dear. But I'll tell you about that later.