Young Writers Society

As you watch the last light of your miserable life blink out, you are plunged downward, descending into the most horrid depths of evil, the lake of fire, Hell. There are sins you've committed, or maybe unfortunate circumstances that turned you villainous. But as you plop down onto the bone path to what lies ahead, you realize that you're God's lost cause. So you get up, brush yourself off, and head into the abyss.

Bones crunch underfoot as you enter, the beginning of your trek astonishing. It is dark but for a light, a light at the end of a tunnel. The tunnel is more of a cave, vanpire bats staring at you as they perch upsidedown on their stalagtites. You keep looking ahead, averting your eyes from the walls of the endless tunnel, where gooey crimson liquid drips and splats onto your shoes. You keep surging foreward, even though the light seems to be diminishing. And then, it's gone.

Your blood seems to run cold, a shiver going up your spine. You are blind and deaf and dum and frigid and scared. But suddenly, painful arms wrench you from your spot and you're in the light again.

You are standing on a road, paved not with bones but with lost dreams and bleeding wounds of sorrow. You look down and see that first romantic rejection, see those times spent retching over the toilet with the stomach flu, sniff the scent of your past failures and shames. It's enough to make you sob in itself, but your eyes are averted.

To one side of the road is pure conflagration, flames licking the cavernous cieling of Hell, smoke surging foreward to assault both eyes and nostrils. You hear screams of torment as souls try to navigate the torrid depths of damnation. On the other is a palace, constructed with the architecture of many lost civilizations. It stands upon arches composed of glittering teardrops, frozen solid with the devil's indifference. On either side of the tall, carved ivory doors are pillars made of fire. You wonder how the fire and ice can exist beside each other, as they all do, but forget about it as you continue gazing. The windows are but small slits, so arrows and bullets have difficulty making their target in an uprising. Thin ivory towes reach the roof of the cave.

Ahead of him sits a lonely tree, fruitless and dead, with other damned souls lurking beneath it, suspicious and scared and weary from pain. Behind you trudge the next batch.

Welcome to Hell.

Okay, first of all I think you are off to a great start. You obviously have a very clear picture in your mind of what the Underworld looks like. However, there are a few things that I would like to touch on. I would steer clear of some cliches that there are about Hell such as the light at the end of the tunnel and lots of fire images. Also, I think it would make the piece more powerful if you stayed a little more in the moment and spent more time describing exactly how everything feels to the lost soul. And maybe you couldn't actually tell the reader that it's Hell until the last line where you say "Welcome to Hell". One last thing that may be a little picky is that in the last little paragraph, you write "Ahead of him sits a lonely tree" and I think this changes perspective from the rest of the piece. You switched from second person to third person point of view, and it was confusing as I read it the first time. Other than these few things (which should be pretty easy to fix), it's great! Good luck and keep writing!

Fantastic! I love your vision of hell....

With your first paragraph, I feel you should be more descriptive on you descending to hell. Really give the reader insight on how you feel, do you realize right away you are going their, do you smell anything before the drop, are you freaked out, are you falling fast? Remember things like sight, sound, smell and feel. This will really give your first paragraph more captivation for the reader right off the bat. I love the visions of failure. Maybe even elaborate more one those visions! It is an unique and incredible idea! Your description of the surroundings are impeccable! Don't forget about the feelings! And you ended it beautifully! You are insanely talented and inspiring!

So you get up, brush yourself off, and head into the abyss.

This line, where to begin. Good Lord, it's amazing. Some people imagine going to Hell flailing and gnashing their teeth. But I love how this completely bucks that perception and provides a sort of fatalist view of going to Hell. I'm picturing a person standing up and saying to himself, "Well, this isn't what I expected. But, I'm here, so here I go," and just walking off, beginning his journey to the Underworld. There's so much packed into this little line that I don't want to read anymore. It's beautiful. But onward I go.

The tunnel is more of a cave, vampire bats staring at you...

"Vanpires" aren't real.

You keep looking ahead, averting your eyes from the walls of the endless tunnel, where gooey crimson liquid drips and splats onto your shoes.

ANOTHER great line! The imagery was so potent here, and I could hear the "splat" of the liquid on the shoe. And even the mention of stalagtites made me think of that dripping sound that you always hear in caves. Amazing, and I'm not even halfway though, yet.

You keep surging foreward

Foreward is a section of a book written by someone else. Forward is a direction. You do it again a little later.

the cavernous ceiling of Hell

Thin ivory towers reach the roof of the cave.

My reaction throughout all of this is: Wow. Well, actually, there were some explatives in there, but basically, it was "Wow." The imagery was powerful, so powerful in fact that I could picture everything clearly. Each paragraph had one line in it that made me sit and stare at it in awe. And that last sentence sent chills up my spine.

I want to read more by you. PLEASE write more.

KF

Hello, Rain! How're things?

This was written very well. You've got a fun style and voice that works pretty well here. Your imagery is astounding though. I think you certainly did well in describing parts of hell here. You used some effective vocabulary! There were some spelling and grammar errors, which I'm not going to point out. If you need one after you're done editing, feel free to let me know! I'd be happy to do one.

But as you plop down onto the bone path to what lies ahead, you realize that you're God's lost cause.

So I mentioned how you've got a fun voice here. Part of me says it's very appropriate since the guy entering has never been to hell. They're just an average joe schmo, and this particular one doesn't seem to be phased by what's going on. Which, actually, seems rather odd. Since they're in hell and all. Though I'm not an expert at second person, I still think you could work in some fear into this piece. Hell should be the worst place anyone could be in, so it doesn't really matter who the "you" is. They're gonna be scared! This is probably my biggest quip, which isn't much of one since it's up to you there.

It is dark but for a light, a light at the end of a tunnel.

This didn't make much sense to me. D:

The tunnel is more of a cave, vanpire bats staring at you as they perch upsidedown on their stalagtites.

H'okay! Lots of people get confused by this. I even had to google it to make sure I got them straight (which I did! woo!), but here's the lowdown:

1. stalagmites -- rise up from the ground (notice the G in "stalagmite" and "ground" )
2. stalactites -- come down from the ceiling (notice the C in "stalactite" and "ceiling" )

So in this case, I think you meant stalagmites!

Ahead of him sits a lonely tree, fruitless and dead, with other damned souls lurking beneath it, suspicious and scared and weary from pain. Behind you trudge the next batch.

I just really liked how you described that tree. That, right there, is plain awesome.

And your ending is fantastic! Way to go!

So, as I've said, you have lots of good things going on here. Pictures are very clear, and you certainly have a vocabulary to describe. I think though, what I haven't mentioned, is the transitions. Getting from one place to another, it's not as smooth as it could be. It's as if you were way too excited to describe the next thing that you forgot this is still a good piece of flash-fic too. And also don't be afraid to use more creepy words to terrify the reader.

That's all I've got! Great job with this though, and good luck in that contest!

Keep writing!

Jabber, the One and Only!