It's the Christmas season, it's supposed to be full of joy and smiles. The green scent of evergreen trees and the sound of carols are supposed to fill our days. Instead I find mine to be full of despair, new secrets coming out of the dark every time I open my eyes. I cry myself to sleep night after night, my brown pillow case seems permanently stained by tears. But also in every Christmas season is my birthday, and my present this year was beyond what I expected.
I was fourteen years and three-hundred and sixty-four days old when I found out my father was a cocaine addict. How's that for a happy birthday? It's like a lyric from Not Afraid by Eminem, "It's like a 'fuck you' for Christmas.", because that's exactly what it feels like. This really is supposed to be the happiest time of the year and honestly I feel like the world is trying to send me a message. I'm not supposed to be happy, it's not allowed.
In the midst of all this I don't know where to turn. I don't feel like this is anything I could talk about with my friends. Is it wrong of me to be afraid of what they would think? I can imagine it now, "That awkward moment when your friend tells you her father is addicted to hardcore drugs.". I really can trust my friends but this is something on an entirely different level. I even feel distant from my faith. God why am I being punished so? What ever did I do to deserve this, what did my family do to deserve this? How could anyone deserve this?
I am so full of emotion right now. One second I am white-hot with anger and the next I am smiling and laughing, forgetting momentarily about the pain. Except then the memory hits me again like a freight train, and the tears come pouring again. Viscious cycle it is. I wish I could just un-hear the words that forever scarred me. I wish I could take back going to a friends after-school to work on a Science project. I wish I would have just taken bus straight home from school that day. Maybe I could have avoided that car ride with my mother that seemed to last hours. Maybe she would have waited to tell me my father needs help. Or better yet, maybe it wouldn't be true.
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