Young Writers Society

Ooo-write more, write more! This is grrrreat! I especially love the last excerpt from it. By the way, who does Ivy stand for? I can't think of anyone on here with that name...

Ivy is Arieda, if I'm not mistaken.

I read it, Phoenix, and after getting over the fact that I'm dead, I loved it. I'll come back and give a more indepth crit later, but I wanted to let you know that I had seen it.

"Lieutenant Jack 'Firestarter' Jarlson. Good man, good soldier. Some of the best judgment calls I've ever heard have come form his mouth under a hail of bullets in the middle of a sandstorm. I've known him for about five years; he and I were in the same unit back when I was just a Sergeant. He's our strategist , and my eyes and ears on the battlefield. Originally, he was part of the British Army, but he transferred to an international terrorist squad that would later become the UNMC. He graduated out of Oxford before he came over here, making him the most educated out of all of us," Nate added with a laugh.

Haha, legendary *grins*

So I'm not really understanding why that combat scene is there at the start ... is that something that happens after the training but you've placed it beforehand?

hmm.. gweny's dead, and I'm missing.

I'm sensing some hostitility towards your fellow gryffindors, Dono (er... we really should revive the RPG, maybe in a few weeks?).

Nothing jumped out at me that was -- how to say it -- bad, but I wasn't being a horrible nit-pick. If there's anything you want me to look for, just say so, and I will when I have time (which I suddenly have lots more of, after this weekend. No more marching until spring!).

Ahh...thanks Dusky! Poor Ari...*sniffles*

Cast: (To Help the Ignorant!)

Corporal Phoenix Hunter: Phoenix!
PFC William Qel'Oreda: DQ
Lt. Jack Jarlson: Firestarter
Sgt. Gwennan Alberi: Duskglimmer
PFC Daniel Brewer: MetalHead
PFC Bekah McClean: Meshugenah
PFC Samantha D'Mortel: Crysi
PFC Dan Sanders: Sabradan
PFC Grif Cooper: Griffinkeeper
PFC Angel Cooper: Snoink

Guest Stars:

PFC Ivy Hawthorne: Areida
Commander Nathaniel Caldwell: Nate!
Dr. Denise Smaur: Smaur
PFC ____ _____: Poor Imp
PFC ____ _____: CL
Dr. Gregory Bradshaw: Incan

NOTE:

Whether you live or die or are evil or not is not my fault! Your alter egos tell me what happens to them, not the other way around!

I love it. Just one thing, and its not really a writing-thing, but a characterization thing. I love how you made me a BAMF, but if you could add a little bit more smartass-ness to me, that'd be great, because IRL I really am. Also, when you do my backstory, make sure you say I came to the UNMC by way of the IDF.

Yeah, I want MORE!

Cool, I can't wait to read more.

I won't say it was 'fun' or I'll risk the insulting implication of a dimunative. It is an entertaining read, and not simply entertaining--you've at least presented and hinted at some depth in the characters, and what you haven't said, but implied, leaves the reader interesting in what comes next. For the characters, not merely for the 'fun' thrill of action or plot. ^_^

One of those, Private William Qel'Oreda, was staring off into space; he didn't so much look tired as he did drunk. His bleached blond hair looked like it had been licked by a camel, but that was to be expected. He had a small smile on his face, which emphasized the short, vertical scar under his left eye. The combination of his eyes and the smile was a look of pure amusement. Every couple seconds he'd let out a small chuckle, like there was something hilarious that only he could see.

Sidesplitting description. ^_^ It might benefit from some change-up in sentence length--as it is, they all tend to run near the same.

He raked his fingers through his short brown hair, his lean but muscular forearms flexing slightly.

Your adverbs, at points throughout, rather stack-up. And "slightly" here sticks out as perhaps needless...drags some on the sentence.


I won't reiterate what those ahead of me have said--but Sam and the dialogue there is hilarious, and shows aspects of the characters without being heavy-handed in telling. ^_^ You're good at that.

I laughed again, then raised my wrist to eye level, where my ever present watch glowed softly in the dim room.

As Kat, I believe, noted--you can a bit verbose? "Ever-present" could be ditched without dropping much for meaning, I think.

The second the door slid open and Caldwell's face came into view, Firestarter verily jumped to attention and shouted "Attention!"

I'm rather fond of the word 'verily'. Though it jumped out at me here as sharply as Jack jumping at Nate's entrance. ^_^ Another adverb...it could be in or out. Up to you.

"At ease," Caldwell said, almost casually. He let a smirk work its way onto his face, and continued, "Though I see you already are." Nathaniel Caldwell was a tall, broad shouldered man, with kind looking eyes and a goofy, if rarely seen, smile. He wore the standard blue uniform of he UNMC, with the exception of the Commander's Bars stitched to his shoulder. Close behind him strode a tiny woman flanked by two white-coated men. As one, our heads all turned to the side and looked down at the diminutive woman.

Break the above into separate paragraphs? When the dialogue runs into description, you sometimes lose an immediacy; and Nate's appearance could easily be its own paragraph--like so...

"At ease," Caldwell said, almost casually. He let a smirk work its way onto his face, and continued, "Though I see you already are."

Nathaniel Caldwell was a tall, broad shouldered man, with kind looking eyes and a goofy, if rarely seen, smile. He wore the standard blue uniform of he UNMC, with the exception of the Commander's Bars stitched to his shoulder. Close behind him strode a tiny woman flanked by two white-coated men. As one, our heads all turned to the side and looked down at the diminutive woman.

Her black hair was pulled back in a tight bun, and she stood pole straight with her hands clasped tightly behind her back. She wore a formless white lab coat, with plain grey scrubs underneath. She wore an ID card clipped to her coat, which identified her as Head Researcher for the Science Department's Research and Development Team. Her name was in small enough print that it was illegible to me.

Sentence structure repetition intentional? It gets a little head-into-cement-wall redundant: she, she, she....

Dr. Smaur stepped forward, her hands still clasped behind her back and her eyes narrowing even further--had I not seen it with my own two eyes, I would not have thought it possible.

Noticeably long sentence; and with the pacing of the piece, it feels drawn out. Perhaps if 'your' thoughts were broken into their own sentence?

"Doctor Smaur, you have the room," Caldwell said, taking a step back behind her.

He is intentionally repeating himself, I presume? He says almost precisely the same thing after her introduction.

"Thank you, [comma] Commander." Smaur took a step toward us, and then continued: " [speech]I am Doctor Denise Smaur, of Science Division's Weapons Development Team. Smaur will suffice." She paused for a moment, as if she expected us to say something. I almost considered saying "'Lo Smaur," like the Alcoholics Anonymous groups that were so prevalent during the earlier years of the century. Sam and I looked at each other, shared a shrug, and then looked back to Smaur.

With Smaur's lengthy lectures, you've missed quote/speech marks quite a few places... I won't go through all of it. And the comma. ^_^

Also, watch the dialogue repetition in tags. You have 'continued' three times I think, from the above down into her continuing talk.

That loss weighed heavily on all of us,[s] even to this day[/s].

Oy, kill the 'to this day'. Needless; and it has a rather repitious ring of cliche to it. #_#

Ivy was the spirit of the team; she was a dear friend to all of us, a lover to Grif (who took it harder than anyone) and like a sister to me.

In the big picture of war, one death is nothing. To this unit, it meant failure.

Second sentence about the unit tells excellently--militarity brevity, to the point. The first feels tossed in to get the idea in the reader's head of Grif and Ivy... Perhaps weave that bit in more subtely, so as not to beat anyone with it as a blunt object?


--

All right, I'll have to go on with this later, another time; or I'll be too tired to be helpfully coherent. ^_^ I enjoy the story.


IMP

All right, I've given this piece a good look. It was a bit annoying to keep reading the same part over again, but I got over it. Everyone else has pointed out some important aspects, so I'll try to skip over those a bit.

I liked the action scene you put before the briefing (even though it takes place after ). And meeting Gwen and everyone afterward was a nice touch. Rather delicious reading.

His six foot five, three hundred pound frame dwarfed everyone else in the room, and his black crew cut was always perfectly trimmed.

His bleached blond hair looked like it had been licked by a camel, but that was to be expected. He had a small smile on his face, which emphasized the short, vertical scar under his left eye.

He raked his fingers through his short brown hair, his lean but muscular forearms flexing slightly.

I get rather weary of these descriptions after a while. It's fine to have some description, and I know you're trying to show all of YWS their alter egos, but perhaps you could do it more gradually instead of three paragraphs right after one another.


I tend to agree with Imp over the number of adverbs. They drag the sentences out a bit too much.

Upon impact, the superconcentrated gas explodes slightly

"slightly" doesn't seem like the right word here.


The part with Will and Nate seems a bit out of place. I'm assuming it takes place before the briefing? Not sure.

I do like how you went from the action scene in the beginning to the subdued, "get to know" scene in the briefing room. I think you should use this technique more if you haven't already planned to do so. Switching back and forth between the hell they are in in the future and the circumstances that lead up to it certainly keeps the reader going.

For a story that you are trying to incorporate others into, this is promising. They are not shallow, and do seem like marines. Small quirks are where you give it some flavor. I applaud that effort. Nice job, Hunter, I'll be reading it as you post it, like many of us here.

Oh! And I *did* read all of this, so hmph! Well... what you have so far anyway. I can't likely read your mind.

So... ideas on where to go now? Let's see some action! Enough of the planning stuff.

Ill get shot down for this... But this YWS fiction is getting a little sad in my opinion. I just dont find it interesting at all and everytime I see a story about it I just cringe.

Everyone to their own I guess.

I have one question...did you even read this? Or did you just see "YWS FanFiction" and decide to insult me? If that's the case, I'd like you to go back and read it, so that your comment might have some merit.

If you DID read it, and still think this, then why? I fail to see any constructive criticism in calling a story I've begun to work rather hard on "sad."

--Hunter.

Speaking of which, get to it, boy! Chop chop! We want more!

Agreed. Although I'm glad I've gotten a bit more screentime.

Phorcys, do us a favor: if you don't like YWS fanfics, don't read them. It's that simple. You're not adding anything by posting how you hate the genre. Remember - we're working on constructive criticism here. Thanks.