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Distance



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Sun Dec 17, 2006 7:44 pm
Revere says...



DISTANCE



“Come in, come in, we’re just getting started.”

Camilla held open the back door of the S&M Institute of Scientific and Technological Research. Sangha and his great grandson, Makata, climbed inside, shivering from the outside cold.

Today was Saturday, but Sangha came to work today, anyways. He had been working as a human tester for Camilla’s research, and today was the final demonstration: they would teleport her apprentice’s mother right into the room with them. Sangha brought Makata along, because he insisted he wanted to see it, too.

Camilla led Makata to the Viewing Room, a small space beside the Tech Room with rows of wooden chairs, where he could watch the demonstration from afar. Meanwhile, Carl, her apprentice, took Sangha to the empty Demonstration Room, where him and Camilla would give instructions to him, so he could teleport Carl’s mother. Camilla marched down beside Sangha, to give a speech to him and his grandson.

“Thank you both for coming today, it means a lot to both me and Carl.”

From the Tech Room, Carl shifted his feet around, embarrassed. Secretly, he was beaming with pride.

“Today, in 2078, transportation is becoming more and more difficult. I noted this problem, and came up with a solution - teleportation: a simple and efficient way to travel. If you want to go somewhere, just type in the geographic co-ordinates into the hand-held pad, and you will go there immediately, hassle free. But say, however, you want to invite someone to come over to you. Then all you do is send out a signal to where they are, and they will receive it on their’s. They must approve the invitation, and then they will be brought to you instantly. This is what we are here to demonstrate today.”

Camilla felt a tinge of loneliness follow her words. She always felt a void in her spirit, and tried to fill it with scientific breakthroughs. Saying her speech, though, she felt emptier than ever. She hung her head low, sniffed back her tears, and solemnly joined Carl in the Tech Room. She was silent, though, so Sangha or Carl didn’t suspect anything.

Makata stared at her suspiciously, and she looked back, surprised. He looked up to her, because she had achieved something in her life; something he would never be able to do. Sangha had moved to Canada as an immigrant back in the 1980's, so in today’s world he was part of Lower Society. Makata, as his great grandson, inevitably was too. People in Lower Society were lucky just to find jobs, so Sangha’s job as a tester was very rare. He was over 100 years old now, so Camilla only hires him out of friendship. Makata resented Sangha, after all, it was his fault he was in Lower Society. He had restricted him from being someone important, like Camilla. It confused him as to why she seemed so sad.

“Sangha, I need to look up the geographic co-ordinates of Carl’s mother, and I will give them to you in about two minutes, so just stay there until I’m ready."

Sangha waved to Makata through the glass wall between them. Makata just gazed back blankly, ignoring him. Sangha could sense he was treating him differently now. Maybe it was just some pre-teen thing, where he was trying to become more independent. He hoped so, for he could never stand to lose his only relative. He didn’t want to be thought of as a bad role model - he wanted Makata to look up to him. He wanted to teach him that compassion is more important than money. But why should he believe him? When he was in Cambodia, he escaped from the Khmer Rouge by himself, never thinking to save his best friend. He still feels guilty.

Carl watched them from his perch in the Tech Room. He remembered when he first met them both, when Makata still loved his great grandfather. That was like what him and Camilla are now. The thought depresses him. In the future, him and his employer could grow as distant as they are now. He shook the thought out of his head, and looked over Camilla’s shoulder to the computer.

“Okay, Sangha, please type in these numbers in your hand-held teleportation pad.”

He wrote in the numbers.

“Now press send, and we’ll just wait for Carl’s mom to come join us.”

The lights flickered for a moment, and suddenly blacked out, washing the room in a palpable layer of thickness. Too much energy was used for the teleportation, so energy was taken from the electricity in the lights. It was a safety requirement from the government, given to the Institute directly.

A dark silhouette suddenly appeared, centered in the middle of the room. It took a few steps outwards, feeling the cement floor under its feet, and returned to its original position. Everyone saw its teeth, like dinosaur fangs. They could see its claws, like porcupine skin. Nothing else. They all imagined the rest differently.

"That's not your Mother, is it, Carl?"

Immediately the figure ran towards the opened Tech Room door, seeing two human figures inside. Carl and Camilla found themselves trapped inside, with no sight of Sangha or his great grandson. Camilla had concurred it was an alien; some sort of outer space creature who had developed the same technology she had. She must have sent out a different signal, and the creature must have thought it was receiving something else, too. It approached her and Carl, and cornered Camilla into the wall.

Camilla circled around to the back door behind her.

“It’s locked! The door is locked!” she shouted, “Carl, run down the hall between here and the Research Department, and push the emergency unlock button!”

Before Carl could move, the creature took a bite of Camilla’s legs, holding her upside down in its jaws. She tried to scream but couldn’t, her fear seemed to grip her throat as well. In this moment, she felt like her life was so inadequate compared to Sangha’s. She was about to die a gruesome death, with nothing in her life except for money and science. What good was science anyways? It had caused the creature to come to S&M Scientific and Technological Research Institute in the first place. She wanted to be loved, and to have a real relationship. Sure, her and Carl were close, but he had become more distant from her recently, perhaps needing to assert his teenage identity. Once the truth slowly settled in, she called out to Carl again.

“Run! Run!”

He spun around, and immediately ran down the hall, obeying her orders. Startled, the creature let go of Camilla, and ran after the young man in the hall.

* * * * *

The ground seemed to fall out underneath him - it was so dark, he couldn’t see the ground he had tripped on, and could just barely see the wall of brightly coloured buttons about twenty metres away from him. The hallway smelled like sweat - possibly his own - but he had no time to dwell on it. Carl struggled to get back up; he had badly injured his knee and both of his feet.

The door slammed shut. ‘I left that door open’, he thought, ‘the alien must be in the hall with me!’ Carl turned around to face the alien, but was met only with darkness. He sprinted the other way again, heading towards the button to unlock the back door of the Demonstrative Department. Limping, he managed to reach the end of the hall, until he saw its claws.

There, directly in front of him, the alien must have stood, for Carl could just see its menacing claw. Blood dripped off the end, assumably Camilla’s, and he wondered whether or not it was worth his life to hit the button for his mentor.

A surge of guilt wavered through him. Camilla was as close as his own mother to him - he wouldn’t be able to live with himself if he had trapped her in the Tech Room. But what was his relationship worth, anyways? He was born into a rich family, and had just graduated from the most prestigious scientific school in Canada. Camilla was just a person, he couldn’t frame her on his wall like he did his graduation certificates. And anyways, what he had with her wouldn’t last - like Sangha and Makata. They are becoming farther apart by the day, and inevitably he and Camilla might start, as well. At least with just himself, he wouldn’t be able to be hurt.

In a thrilling act of adrenaline, he darted away from the button, but was snapped up in the alien’s jaws just seconds before he could escape, his body folding in half with a sickening crunch.

* * * * *

It was silent. Makata knew it is was in the Viewing Room with him - he had heard it skip through the Demonstration Room through to his room, breaking the glass along the way, making the air taste somewhat like mold. But where was Sangha? He needed to be with him right now, to feel safe - without him, he felt more exposed to the creature. Carl’s death only added to his insecurity: he actually could be eaten.

Click, click, click.

It was walking around behind him. Or was it to his left? The sound seemed to come from all around him, and he couldn’t tell how close it was, either.

He felt something slide across his back, and heard the alien move to the other side of the room. As he heard its feet come closer, it placed its hand on his shoulder; a warning, a threat.

Hot breath blew on his neck, like steam from a train whistle. Makata covered his mouth to keep from gasping in fear, in hopes that the alien wouldn’t hear him, either. He couldn’t sit still; his legs and fingers were shaking and bouncing so hard they were uncontrollable, almost detached from his body.

The creature’s rough tongue slid across his shoulder, as if to tenderize the meat. It left a mark of saliva: wider at the bottom, and increasingly thinner as it rounded out at the top. Makata’s instincts came into play - his spine hyper-extended, telling the alien that he was, in fact, alive.

A solitary fang cut into the place where it licked him, an incision so delicate it could have been made with a scalpel. A warm drip of blood ran down his shirt, dripping onto the seat below. The creature was playing with his mind; drilling fear into him so hard, that he would react quickly and involuntarily. It was then that the alien would capture its prey, in a fury of colour and resistance.

Makata wasn’t breathing. His face was contracted into deep ridges, with his eyes a brilliant shade of pink. He let out a single gasp - maybe closer to a whimper - and then a wail of fear immediately followed in a simple realization: this is real. Immediately he leapt to his feet, all the while still trembling, with his spine curled over like a leaf in autumn. And he screamed a terrible sound, so awful it hurt him just to hear it. Maybe he could drown out his fear in noise - silence was to painful for him to stay calm. His mouth was locked open, and salty tears evenly flowed into it, leaving a sour taste behind.

Across the room, Sangha finally heard Makata’s screams. But where was he? The darkness was disturbing; it made it sound like he was coming from all around him. He turned around behind him, and saw a dark shadow perched over a small figure seated in a chair below, assumably Makata. Sangha ran over to him as fast as he could, for he couldn’t stand the thought of him being eaten as brutally as Carl or Camilla. His fear launched him as fast as possible towards the room.

Once he arrived, they hid under a row of unturned chairs. Sangha’s arms locked around his great grandson in a grip so strong, he himself never thought it possible for his age. Him and Makata had never been so close. The past few years, he had been growing up, becoming more independent, and growing more distant. But right now, in this single moment, they were so close they could feel each other’s heart beat; a fast pulse at first, but now a slower, more even tempo. Poetic, almost.

The alien lurched over to their hiding spot, smelling their humanity. It flipped over the chairs they hid under, until they were completely exposed, Sangha’s arms being the only thing between the two species. The alien jumped onto the spot where they were, its teeth open and ready, but Sangha and Makata rolled onto the next level of chairs. Now hungrier than ever, the alien spun around, desperately searching for its prey.

Sangha looked up at the alien, and was met with almost the same features he’d seen in the officer’s eyes back in Phnom Penh. Except the alien’s eyes did not discriminate: its prey was all equal in his mind, but the officer saw differences between people - between the uneducated and the educated. He almost felt happy to be seen as an equal. It had slammed Carl around the room as hard as he would anyone else it wanted to eat. With that thought he had a realisation.

“Makata, did Carl unlock the back door?” Sangha’s whisper quivered ever so slightly.

“I think the alien must have slammed him against it while he was being eaten”, he responded, “but I’m not sure.”

Sangha dragged his great grandson up onto his feet, grabbed his wrist and ran towards the glass wall between them and the Tech Room, smashing it to tiny shreds. The sharp pain blasted through both of them, making them wince. With eyes tight shut, they flicked the glass off of them, and looked down to a brilliant surprise.

“Camilla!” Sangha exclaimed, “you’re still alive!” His wrinkled face lit up in joy, seeing his employer’s face smile at the sight of him. Everyone felt relieved.

Sangha looked again at Camilla. Her legs were severely injured; they were twisted and they seemed to have no strength to stand up. She was lying in her own blood, her face and hands were drenched in red, with her face distorted in pain. Instantly he remembered his friend’s face, staring back at him with the same level of pain, back in 1980. The Khmer Rouge took him to the forest to dig his own grave, because of his education. Why didn’t he rescue him? Why didn’t he try to stop the officers? His guilt lingered on, even today, in the midst of his own disaster.

“Makata! The alien sees us, we have to leave!”

Makata bent down, picked up Camilla in his trembling arms, and fled out the open door with his great grandfather. He couldn’t stand to see her abandoned body in his mind the rest of his life.
"[Maybe] If they don't light it, it can never go out."
^Mary, from Heat

>Previously known as green_river<
  





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Tue Dec 19, 2006 1:27 pm
Myth says...



Green = Comment/Correction
Blue = Suggestion
Black = Review

*

Today was Saturday, but Sangha came to work today, anyways.


‘anyways’ = anyway

Camilla led Makata to the Viewing Room, a small space beside the Tech Room with rows of wooden chairs, where he could watch the demonstration from afar. Meanwhile, Carl, her apprentice, took Sangha to the empty Demonstration Room, where him and Camilla would give instructions to him, so he could teleport Carl’s mother.


‘him’ = he

This had a little too many he’s and him’s. I have a suggestion for the last sentence:
Meanwhile, Carl, the/her apprentice, took Sangha to the empty Demonstration Room, where he would be given instructions for the teleportation process.

Something like that anyway, I’m sure you can do better than I have done.

If you want to go somewhere, just type in the geographic co-ordinates into the hand-held pad, and you will go there immediately, hassle free.


I think you didn’t do as well as you could have to explain, just simplify it: Type in the geographic co-ordinates, of your chosen destination, into the hand-held pad and you’ll immediately teleport to the location. Hassle free.

Again, you’ll do better than I have but that is just an example of explaining the teleportation.

But say, however, you want to invite [s]someone[/s] a friend(?) [s]to come[/s] over [s]to you[/s]. Then all you do is send out a signal to [s]where they are[/s] their location, and they will receive it on [s]their’s[/s] pad/screen(?). They must approve the invitation, and then they will be brought to you instantly. This is what we are here to demonstrate today.”


^^^ See the suggestions, hope you don’t mind the bits cut off.

Camilla felt a tinge of loneliness follow her words. She always felt a void in her spirit, and tried to fill it with scientific breakthroughs. Saying her speech, though, she felt emptier than ever. She hung her head low, sniffed back her tears, and solemnly joined Carl in the Tech Room. She was silent, though, so Sangha or Carl didn’t suspect anything.


I was a little surprised here at Camilla’s feelings, where did it all come from?

He was over 100 years old now, so Camilla only hires him out of friendship.


‘hires’ = hired

Maybe it was just some pre-teen thing, where he was trying to become more independent.


Avoid using ‘some’, just don’t do it. Try replacing it with ‘a’.

He wanted to teach him that compassion is more important than money.


Keep the tense the same throughout. ‘is’ = was

But why should he believe him? When he was in Cambodia, he escaped from the Khmer Rouge by himself, never thinking to save his best friend. He still feels guilty.


‘feels’ = felt

Carl watched them from his perch in the Tech Room. He remembered when he first met them both, when Makata still loved his great grandfather.


Does Carl know that Makata was feeling towards his grandfather?

That was like what him and Camilla are now.


‘him’ = he

The thought depresses him. In the future, him and his employer could grow as distant as they are now. He shook the thought out of his head, and looked over Camilla’s shoulder to the computer.


A couple of more mistakes: depresses = depressed, him = he, are = were.

“Okay, Sangha, please type in these numbers in your [s]hand-held[/s] teleportation pad.”


^^^ See quote.

He wrote in the numbers.


Try: Sangha did so/Sangha punched in the numbers.

Too much energy was used for the teleportation, so energy was taken from the electricity in the lights.


Repetition. Use a synonym to replace the first ‘energy’ with power(?).

A dark silhouette suddenly appeared, centered in the middle of the room.


Wait... It was dark already (... and suddenly blacked out...) and then a dark silhouette appeared? Or had the lights switched back on?

Camilla had concurred it was an alien; some sort of outer space creature who had developed the same technology she had.


Remember what I said about ‘some’? Use ‘a’.

In this moment, she felt like her life was so inadequate compared to Sangha’s.


‘this’ = that

What good was science anyways?


‘anyways’ = anyway

It had caused the creature to come to the [s]S&M Scientific and Technological Research[/s] Institute in the first place. She wanted to be loved, and to have a real relationship. Sure, [s]her[/s] she and Carl were close, but he had become more distant from her recently, perhaps needing to assert his teenage identity.


^^^ See quote.

But what was his relationship worth, anyways? (...) And anyways, what he had with her wouldn’t last - like Sangha and Makata.


‘anyways’ = anyway

Makata covered his mouth to keep from gasping in fear, in hopes that the alien wouldn’t hear him, either.


‘hopes’ = hope

Maybe he could drown out his fear in noise - silence was to painful for him to stay calm.


‘to’ = too

Him and Makata had never been so close.


‘him’ = he

But right now, in this single moment, they were so close they could feel each other’s heart beat; a fast pulse at first, but now a slower, more even tempo.


‘this’ = that

Nice to see more of your work, GR!

One thing I wanted to point out was, the creature, having been transported from where it came, was, in my opinion, rather calm about the situation. Is it not confused, dazed or at least a little angry to have left home? Did the process have no effect on it other than the lust to kill?

You made mistakes with a few of your words, I found most of them but not too sure if there are others.

I almost forgot, hadn’t the creature bitten Makata? How did he end up under a seat? And he was losing blood, Sangha would have had to help him walk.

The four characters, as pairs, seem to have the same situation about distance—Makata and Shanga, Carl and Camilla—but I didn’t see how Carl and Camilla were parting, you mentioned Makata was going through a phase where he hated being in the Lower Society but nothing on Carl-Camilla. I think that’s where you got your title from. And Carl was mean, not pushing that button.

I think you could have given a little description on the Tech, Demonstration, Viewing rooms as I wasn’t sure what they were like, not too much but small details.

-- Myth
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'...'
  





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Wed Dec 20, 2006 1:56 am
Revere says...



One thing I wanted to point out was, the creature, having been transported from where it came, was, in my opinion, rather calm about the situation. Is it not confused, dazed or at least a little angry to have left home? Did the process have no effect on it other than the lust to kill?

You make a good point - I should try and change that a bit.

I almost forgot, hadn’t the creature bitten Makata? How did he end up under a seat? And he was losing blood, Sangha would have had to help him walk.


Makata wasn't really bitten, or injured, he just has a small cut across his back. He wasn't really losing all that much blood.

The four characters, as pairs, seem to have the same situation about distance—Makata and Shanga, Carl and Camilla—but I didn’t see how Carl and Camilla were parting, you mentioned Makata was going through a phase where he hated being in the Lower Society but nothing on Carl-Camilla. I think that’s where you got your title from. And Carl was mean, not pushing that button.


Good points here, too. :) I didn't notice that till you pointed it out, so thanks 8)

By the way, thank you for reviewing my story again, I really appreciate it. :D
"[Maybe] If they don't light it, it can never go out."
^Mary, from Heat

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Sun Dec 24, 2006 5:03 pm
Cassandra says...



First off, sorry if I repeat anything Myth has already said--I haven't read through her crit.

The first thing I noticed here is that you throw a lot of names and characters at the reader at once. While you do have an interesting hook--I'm interested right from the beginning, and from the situation I can tell right away that this is science fiction--if you have a lot of names in the first few paragraphs, slow readers like me get confused. I would either take it a little slower--make it clear who the main character is, who the other people are--or start at a different place. Because right now it's very confusing.

From the Tech Room, Carl shifted his feet around, embarrassed. Secretly, he was beaming with pride.


This doesn't make sense to me. Personally, I'm not sure how someone can be embarrassed and full of pride at the same time. Maybe it's just me, but I think it's one or the other. Maybe on the outside he could pretend to be proud, but on the inside he's embarrassed?

Then all you do is send out a signal to where they are, and they will receive it on their’s.


I think you're talking about the hand-held when you say "their's" at the end of this sentence, but I'd actually use the word "hand held" instead, just so the reader is sure that's what you're talking about. ((I hope that made sense!))

Makata stared at her suspiciously, and she looked back, surprised. He looked up to her, because she had achieved something in her life; something he would never be able to do. Sangha had moved to Canada as an immigrant back in the 1980's, so in today’s world he was part of Lower Society. Makata, as his great grandson, inevitably was too. People in Lower Society were lucky just to find jobs, so Sangha’s job as a tester was very rare. He was over 100 years old now, so Camilla only hires him out of friendship. Makata resented Sangha, after all, it was his fault he was in Lower Society. He had restricted him from being someone important, like Camilla. It confused him as to why she seemed so sad.


A) This is a really big info dump. Is it important for the reader to know all this information right away? And if so, maybe try to find a different way to incorporate it into the story.

B)
so Camilla only hires him out of friendship.


Here you switch to present tense. Just change "hires" to "hired".

He still feels guilty.


Tense switch again.

That was like what him and Camilla are now. The thought depresses him. In the future, him and his employer could grow as distant as they are now.


Present tense.

Camilla had concurred it was an alien; some sort of outer space creature who had developed the same technology she had. She must have sent out a different signal, and the creature must have thought it was receiving something else, too. It approached her and Carl, and cornered Camilla into the wall.


This realization that the creature is an alien, and this whole explanation about the signals seems to come too quickly, almost like an info dump. Can you show the readers this information rather than tell them?

Before Carl could move, the creature took a bite of Camilla’s legs, holding her upside down in its jaws.


When you say the thing took a bite of her legs, it makes it sound like it bit her. But then you say it's holding her upside down. It's kind of hard to picture both happening at once, so which is it?

The door slammed shut. ‘I left that door open’, he thought, ‘the alien must be in the hall with me!’ Carl turned around to face the alien, but was met only with darkness. He sprinted the other way again, heading towards the button to unlock the back door of the Demonstrative Department. Limping, he managed to reach the end of the hall, until he saw its claws.


A lot of the action in this piece, though here especially, seems rushed. Maybe slow it down a little, and focus on the characters' emotions and thoughts, not just their actions.

A surge of guilt wavered through him. Camilla was as close as his own mother to him - he wouldn’t be able to live with himself if he had trapped her in the Tech Room. But what was his relationship worth, anyways? He was born into a rich family, and had just graduated from the most prestigious scientific school in Canada. Camilla was just a person, he couldn’t frame her on his wall like he did his graduation certificates. And anyways, what he had with her wouldn’t last - like Sangha and Makata. They are becoming farther apart by the day, and inevitably he and Camilla might start, as well. At least with just himself, he wouldn’t be able to be hurt.


This is an interesting dilemma, and good for character development. Maybe you could draw this out a little more, make Carl have a bit of a harder time deciding?

are becoming farther apart by the day, and inevitably he and Camilla might start, as well.


Present tense.

The creature’s rough tongue slid across his shoulder, as if to tenderize the meat. It left a mark of saliva: wider at the bottom, and increasingly thinner as it rounded out at the top.


Nice imagery. :D

silence was to painful for him to stay calm


Silence was too painful...


It might be a good idea to develop Carl's character a little more before he dies--his death doesn't have any effect on the readers if they don't care about the character. Give us something we can relate to him about.


This was an interesting piece, and it definitely has potential. Nice work. :D
"All God does is watch us and kill us when we get boring. We must never, ever be boring."
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Tue Dec 26, 2006 4:40 pm
Revere says...



Thanks for replying, Cass, I do appreciate it more than you might think.

All your suggestions make sense, and you pointed out a lot of things I didn't notice before. I'll also try and remember them for the next story I write.

Thanks again!
"[Maybe] If they don't light it, it can never go out."
^Mary, from Heat

>Previously known as green_river<
  








"Who am I? I'm just a writer. I write things down. I walk through your dreams and invent the future."
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