Young Writers Society

another to the way of acid washed jeans... ( deleted due to horid-ness {not a word} )

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note to all: i have decided to NOT write any more stories... thank you for you cooperation

I saw that you have 0 comment and though I could give you a critique

quote:
He opened one eye and peaked at the clock 12:00 was flashing on and off, his eyes shot open as he jumped out of bed and pulled on a pare of geans and a blue t-shirt.
'Jeans', not 'geans'. This sentence is way too complex, use more full stops. Also, how can his eyes shoot open if one of them is already open?

quote:
“Ware are you going ?” his mother shouted as he grabbed a slice of buttered toast from the plate on the counter
Uhm... Full stop at the end. 'Hi' from a capital. 'Ware'? Change that.

quote:
“got to go mom ,or I’ll be late for school” “stop right there” his mother shouted it’s the first day of summer, now give me that bookbag and take this to your ante” his mother told him as she gave him a bag of novels “ok mom but I’m not coming home until later” he shouted as he was running out the driveway and down the street. “Yo Karl lets go I’ve ben waiting for 20 minuets already” a boy from down the street yelled “ I’m coming henry but I got to bring this to my aunt first” “well why don’t you take the trail thru the woods it’ll save you at least half an hour”
WHAT IS THIS? Write the dialogues properly, please. Please. Names from capitals. Interpuntction. FULL STOPS. Who is the boy from the street? How does he look like? THRU is not a word. Oh, rewrite this whole paragraph. READ what you are posting.

quote:
“Thank you Karl” his aunt said as she gave him a dollar “here go bye yourself a drink at the Connor store.
Spelling, a full stop needed. Buy, maybe? A comma after 'here'.

quote:
Karl kindly took the dollar and headed home
Kindly?

quote:
Karl kindly took the dollar and headed home, but this time there was something different there was another path that led off to a big thee
I don't get tis sentence. And it's 'tree;.

I am sorry if I am being brutal here, but this... this seems as if it was written in three minutes. I have no intention of reading farther, sorry. If you improve it, PM me and I'll give you a critic.

Well it looks like this could be a good story, but there really are a lot of spelling and punctuation mistakes that detract from it. So I can't really say much about the plot or characters, sorry. I'd suggest:
1) Go over it with a spelling and grammar checker. And did you mean to have "diamond" in the title?
2) Watch out for homonyms:

He opened one eye and peaked at the clock

Peeked.

a pare of geans

Pair of jeans.

“Ware are you going ?”

Where.

take this to your ante

Aunt.

why don’t you take the trail thru the woods

It's not a good idea to use shorthand like that. Just add the other three letters.

Connor store

I have a feeling you may've meant corner store? If not, then Connor is fine.

throbbed in pane

Pain.

3) In general, start a new paragraph when a new character starts to speak. Begin sentences with capital letters. When you pause in the character's speaking to insert something like "she said", use a comma before that. And there's at least one spot where speech marks are missing:

“Stop right there,” his mother shouted. "It’s the first day of summer..."

4) You have quite a few run-on sentences. Split them up.

5) Just read your work over slowly and carefully. It can do wonders.

I look forward to reading this again once you've tidied it up a bit!

The title is spelt wrongly: Diamond not Dimond.

This is riddles with errors, read it aloud and correct them as you go. Also change things that do not sound right.

The beginning is a cliche, why do most stories start in beg looking at the alarm clock?

Be daring, start off in the middle of a battle or with a gun pointed at the MC's head.

Heck - I started with my character about to kill a little girl in a crazy desire for powers from a demon lord.

I think most of the errors that have appeared here have already been covered, and i agree with Purple that the beginning is a little cliche, i also agree that you could make it a hell of a lot more excioting at the start.

Generally, i liked it, but you still have a lot of work to do with it, so i shall come abck when its been edited

Miyaviloves

there will bo no more... it's alll over

WHy? WHY?

Did you expect us to write: It was Great! No mistakes! Brilliant!

Well thats not the way it goes. You wanna be a better writer, then take advice and corrections instead of saying 'the end'. Come on, they weren;t that bad. Geez.

kaolin: Remember, everyone here only wants to help you. The entire point of this site is for us to all improve our writing.

Looking over this thread, I can see that you recieved good, constructive criticism. If that isn't what you want - if you only want a place to showcase your writing, then I'm afraid you're at the wrong site.

Places like fanfiction.net - where constructive criticism is non-existent, and praise heaped onto every piece of writing - may suit you better. Just keep in mind that they won't help you to improve your writing like YWS can.

I hope that you decide to stay, and to continue submitting stories . Just remember - as a writer you have to be thick-skinned.

I have sent the user a PM explaining about YWS crits and how he can get better at writing earlier today.

ok my old pc with the story kinda died compleatle so i can't get this story back ...sorry...if you relly want i can try to write another after i finish love hina and cascade