Young Writers Society

They silently swept through the jungle, their heavy armor not making a sound. With their stealth camo activated, they were like shadows, none of them could be seen. They stalked their prey, aware of everything that they did. They could have been yelling at the top of their lungs, but their voices would have been drowned. The prey had no idea, that they were being watched.
The Tau Stealthsuit Team got into position; their prey, the orks, would not stand a chance. "Stealth Team in position." a warrior's voice hissed through the com link. "All teams, prepare to eliminate targets." Without a sound, the Stealth Teams readied their burst canons. "Now!" yelled the Shas'vre. (shas'vre is a title given to Tau meaning 'Hero'.)
The Stealth Teams burst canons flared into action, firing streams of superheated plasma at the enemy. The orks growled and screamed in pain as the plasma quickly ate away at their flesh. Within seconds, the ork force had been burned to ash.
"All targets neutralized Shas'vre." came the voice again. "Confirmed." Kauyon said, stepping out of the foliage. Altogether, there were nine Stealthsuits, all armed with XV25 Stealth armor and burst canons. Kauyon and his team searched the wreckage, hoping to find some information about the ork patrol, but nothing remand.
Kauyon gave a weary sigh; this was the seventh ork force he and his teams had destroyed. The ork army was growing so large, it was starting to engage the main Tau force. the Tau resistance could not keep the orks at bay any longer.
"Commander Kauyon," the voice of a young Stealthsuit said, "Orbital Relay shows a large body and orks moving in on our position, should we engage?"
Kauyon gave this careful thought, knowing the dangers of fighting a large
ork patrol. "Yes, we will engage the greenskins. And contact command
and alert them of the threat." "Yes commander." said the Stealthsuit. "OK
teams, move out. If we move quickly, we can intercept them." Kauyon ordered as the Stealth Teams silently stalked into the jungle.
About a half-an-hour into the mission Kauyon contacted the teams "Activate
stealth armor." The teams activated the camo, and in an instant, they had disappeared. The teams soon got to the ork patrol; howling, chanting and
shouting their battle cry; WAAGH!! The orks were completely oblivious to the teams, their roars making the air itself vibrate. As the teams got into position, Kauyon could tell something was wrong. AS he neared the patrol, the ork's din grew quiet, almost stopping completely. Many of the orks looked into the forest, and a few of their red eyes passed over him, but they
could not see him. "Hold attack." Kauyon whispered into his com link, "Something isn't right." He paused, hoping to find the answer. Then his eyes fell on it; bigger, stronger, and tougher than the other ork, a Big Mek!
With its goggles on, Kauyon knew it could see them.








this is my first piece, hope you like it.

Thats awesome, good descriptions, has a bit of confusion if they don't know that your talking about WH.

I have to agree with DB. Good story though.
Good luck.

-- M.B.Author

I haven't played war hammer but I understood...
I like it! maybe, for us who haven't played the game, a little description of the orks and maybe, in a later chapter, some backround information would be useful.
But otherwise, It was good. plenty of action, and fast-paced. I'll be looking out for more.

Ok so this is about Warhammer? As i have never played it I can give you some feedback from just a reader!

With their stealth camo activated, they were like shadows, none of them could be seen.

Stealth Camo? You may need to elaborate on this, as people have not played the game will not have a clue, or even people who just dont know about thigns like thing (me) its confusing, and you need to keep the reader in whats going on.

The prey had no idea, that they were being watched.

I think this would sound and flow better as two sentences:
The prey had no idea. They were being watched.

. (shas'vre is a title given to Tau meaning 'Hero'.)

Glad you cleared that one up lol

patrol, but nothing remand.

Remained?

. the Tau resistance

You need a capital there.

"Yes commander." said the Stealthsuit. "OK
teams, move out. If we move quickly, we can intercept them." Kauyon ordered as the Stealth Teams silently stalked into the jungle.

you need to put the speech on different lines here as it is different people speaking, it is isn't it?

. AS he neared

As

Ok, even though i didn't have a CLUE what was going on :S i liked this. A few mistakes here and there but overall it was good. Are you going to finish this?

Meevs
x

It's Stealth Armour. The stealth suits have armour which mimics their surrounding scenery, making them look just like a bush or a tree or part of a wall.

I'm liking this a lot, it looks a lot better than my pitiful attempt at Tau fiction. Oh, do you collect the Tau Empire? just curious...
I have a 3000pts Tau army... Lots of Tanks... Crisis suits... Big shooty stuff... Warhammer players don't like my army that musch. I wonder why?

For the Tau'va!

~Shadowsun

"They silently swept through the jungle, their heavy armor not making a sound. With their stealth camo activated, they were like shadows, none of them could be seen. "
That's self-contradictory, for shadows can be seen
I would suggest putting something else for that sentence- "Their stealth equipment activated, they glided soundlessly through the forest, mere shadows on the jungle trees" or something >_>

""Now!" yelled the Shas'vre. (shas'vre is a title given to Tau meaning 'Hero'.) "

That parentheses is a bit awkward. You also want to re-write this sentence. ""Fire!" roared the hero, the Shas'vre, of the selected group of warriors."

"The ork army was growing so large, it was starting to engage the main Tau force. the Tau resistance could not keep the orks at bay any longer. "
the "so" in there is very...out of place. "The ork army was building in numbers, and as their battalions grew, so did their daring against the Tau force."

"The teams activated the camo, and in an instant, they had disappeared."

"The camo was up in a blink of an eye." is a lot shorter. (You have a tendency to emphasis these things, aye? By now I think we get that the "stealth camo" makes them disappear )

"The teams soon got to the ork patrol; howling, chanting and
shouting their battle cry; WAAGH!!"
Wait, wait! WHO'S battle cry? The WAAGH!! thing doesn't seem very military-ish, so the reader assumes you're talking about the orks. Clear it up a bit

" Many of the orks looked into the forest, and a few of their red eyes passed over him, but they
could not see him."

Hmm. "Several pairs of orkish (change this for whatever you like) eyes slid over the hidden suits, though none realized their enemies in the camp."

"Then his eyes fell on it; bigger, stronger, and tougher than the other ork, a Big Mek!
With its goggles on, Kauyon knew it could see them."

"As he alertly scanned the ork grounds, his gaze fell upon something that made his blood chill; a Big Mek, with its goggles on, looking directly at him."


Hehe. Sorry if I went a bit overboard
Also, I have not played War Hammer, so you who have played it, please excuse my ignorance whilst playing with the words.

Aside from the usual grammatical and capitalization typos that pop up, it's good! You do have a way of dragging out sentences, though. Also, try reading your stuff aloud. If it sounds awkward or the characters say something weird, then chances are you might want to change it.

Hope this helped!

~Sumi

Nice for a first piece of work. I've always struggled to use anything that's already there to make a story so I'm interested to see how this all turns out. I would just point out that there is a specific forum for 'Fan-Fiction's which are basically fiction written using a world that someone else (Games Workshop here) have designed. Next time you post a part try to put it in there.

Just a few points:

With their stealth camo activated, they were like shadows, none of them could be seen.

Here you've written the same thing twice. I like the bit with the shadows and it implies the second sentence so get rid of it. Keep the shadows, that's nice imagery.

"Stealth Team in position."

Use a comma here, the full-stop doesn't really work.

(shas'vre is a title given to Tau meaning 'Hero'.)

I don't really like this. It seems a bit too explainy. You need to show and not tell so try to incorporate it into a sentence.
Eg: The warriors waited for the shas'vre's command. In a warzone, his word was law. A shas'vre was a hero.
Or something like that...

The Stealth Teams burst canons flared into action, firing streams of superheated plasma at the enemy.

Difficult this one. If there are more than one team it's: teams' . If it's just one team it's: team's.

but nothing remand.

Remained :) .

With it's goggles on, Kauyon knew it could see them.

Apart from the grammatical error, the ending is brilliant!


And now for the summary. A tense moment, you seem to know what you're doing by leaving it on a cliff-hanger which is brilliant. Make sure you read it through a few times before posting so you don't make silly mistakes although this all seems pretty good. Another point, please double space your paragraphs. This means you need to leave a line between each paragraph. This makes it looks nicer and it makes it a lot easier to read.
Apart from this, nice first piece, and well done!

DarkLight

Thanks everybody for your help! I really appreciate it.

Hi theronguard. When I read this piece, my first thought wasn't very good. You have action, okay, but it is the cheapest type of action you can have. It screams "GUNS! FIGHTING! COOLNESS! SO PLEASE READ ME!"

So I can only assume that this is a desperate piece. You have a cool idea in your mind and try to get it down in the coolest way possible. While I like awesome ideas, we need to build something up to get there first. When writing a story, you don't always want to use your best tactics right away, and when you use them over and over again, they become much less spectacular.

hi Theron!

I really liked it! It sets up a good story!

I think you need to clean up the grammar and spacing errors...they bother me...

Anyways, I like it and I hope to read more!

~Hidden Leaf Jonin Timea