Young Writers Society

'The whole world will be washed away in a ball of flame.'

'Got another one?'

'Umm....beware the number seven!'

'Yeah, I don't believe your psychic.'

The sun was setting on Violet Lights. The pools of sunlight that had been shining all day were now fading into the ground as darkness enveloped the sky like a thick blanket. Lilac X sat at the very top of Global. Inc, watching the whole world pulsating below her.

'What'cha staring at?'

'Everything. Just overwhelms me, you know.'

'No, actually' Said Rover 'I'm a robot, remember? I can't feel emotion. Except Jealousy. I mean...what was that all about? We can give the robot emotion....lets give him jealousy!'

Lilac ignored the robots cries and clicked her fingers. Rovers domed head opened up, and a mirror was extended forward.

Lilac checked her hair, shining a bright lemon colour in the fading daylight. A thick heap of purple lipstick circled her lips and she pulled her eyelashes until they curled into spiders over her eyes.

'How do I look?'

'Like a kitsch drag queen.'

'Have you been reading up on bitchy humour?'

There was a hesitation. 'No.'

'Well,' Lilac ironed out the polka dot dress that swayed above her knees 'Party time. Want me to put a bow tie on you Rover? It'll look so sweet.'

'I'd rather you cut my wires.'

*********

What comes next I hear you cry? An ambassadors party, two people doomed to forget their lives and the Sewer System!

Any feedback helpful.

I like it, the begginning was confusing because you never really identified who was speaking.

'I'd rather you cut my wires.'

That is my favorite line. Other than it being so short it looks good. You still need to describe Rover a little more, but Lilac has a clear description and you didn't info dump. Keep it going.

**********

'Oh baby, I'm home.'

Out of the stainless steel skyline that cut across the horizon of Violet Lights, one building stuck out unlike any other. The Sewer System Nightclub. It was a spindly dull brown buidling with rusting edges. The building was almost as high as the skyscraper, twisting towards the clouds like a crooked spine.

She approached the side of the building, a plain slab of brown concrete. Her hands shaking with a childlike excitement, she extended her palm towards the wall. Her heart seemed to jump up and down as she got that sticking sensation on her fingers.

'DNA conclusive.' A harsh voice whispered through the walls 'Password?'

She extended her lips to the wall, an inch away from kissing.

'The Final Number is the Number Seven.'

The whole wall began to pull itself apart, dull concrete and metal prizing away from each other and moving aside until a black door stood before her.

Dizzy from the adrenaline rush, she opened the door and jumped inside, hearing the concrete and metal shove its way back into place behind her.

The hallway was filled with two long mirrors, and Moira took a chance to adjust her appearnce. The rusty red hair fell, tangled and knotted, to her waist. Her freckled face had been cut into several place, and a baby blue bruise was spread across her forehead.

It didn't matter. Nothing mattered. She was home.

****

'Lilac! Lilac!'

The two shadows turned to face him. There was Lilac, a picture of beauty, and the smooth edged shinyness of Rover, two spherical eyes protruding from his globed head.

'Roth!'

Lilac wrapped him in a hug, burying her head into his shoulder. Rover moved forward on his flat base, and extended his arms.

Grinning, Roth bent over and hugged Rover.

'You're back! How can you be back?'

'Aren't you just glad I'm back?'

Lilac's eyes tried to read him, but failed. 'Of course I'm glad. I'm sorry, I just can't believe you're back so soon.'

She sensed that the war was would be too raw a subject to cover. She motioned ahead.

'We're going to the Ambassdor's Dinner. Want to come?'

'Actually, I wouldn't do that.' He nervously scratched the back of his head
'It's going to go off with a bang. Literally.'


Any more crits welcome. As you can see, it's a multi character story. What's next I hear you cry?
A robots revolution, the two identidy thiefs and a Mr. Toad.

'That's a joke isn't it? You're joking?' Lilac's voice jumped between octaves, her eyes swimming with fear 'Tell me...tell me that that was some rubbish little joke you've come up with.'

'And that pretty much explains why I'm back early.'

'Who? Why are they- At what time-'

The air was filled with questions as Lilac paced the empty street, her cheeks drained of natural colour, leaving only the pasty shades of make up on her face.

'How do you know about this?'

'Does it mat-'

'Of course it bloody matters!' There was an aggressive tint to her voice now, and he could see her father behind those hardened blue eyes 'I'm going to contact the authorities and warn them.'

Roth caught his own reflection in the shop window glass and saw how transparent he appeared. His skin stretched over his skull, army uniform hanging pathetically off his jutting shoulders. His hair was a milky brown colour, falling limply over his eyes.

Never again, he told himself, never again.

Lilac reached into the pocket of her dress and removed a small silver square, which she then bent over her ear.

'A Media Chip,' Scoffed Roth 'Very Retro.'

'What I want to know, Roth, ' Lilac said 'Is if you knew someone's going to murder the party guests why did you find me? Why didn't you go to the Authority?'

'Cos you were the only person I thought worth saving.'

Lilac tried to suppress her smile. 'Well, that's very sweet....But I'm still very annoyed about this.'

I really liked the beginning, Gazza, and since it was so short I was able to whiz through the whole thing.

Limited time here so I'll only go over a few things.

My favourite line is:

A thick heap of purple lipstick circled her lips and she pulled her eyelashes until they curled into spiders over her eyes.

Just loved the 'spider' eyelashes there.

You don't seem to use periods or commas after a character speaks so look through your work carefully and you'll see what needs to be changed. This goes for the tags after the dialogue too, 'said' doesn't need to be capitalised =]

Lilac ignored the robots cries and clicked her fingers.

Only one robot here so add an apostrophe before the s.

Out of the stainless steel skyline that cut across the horizon of Violet Lights, one building stuck out unlike any other. The Sewer System Nightclub. It was a spindly dull brown buidling with rusting edges. The building was almost as high as the skyscraper, twisting towards the clouds like a crooked spine.

Bold: check spelling. Not a huge problem but try not to repeat 'building' so often unless you really can't think how to describe the nightclub.

'The Final Number is the Number Seven.'

I don't know if that was intentional but didn't Rover say: Beware the number seven? Interesting.

The hallway was filled with two long mirrors, and Moira took a chance to adjust her appearnce.

A suggestion you can ignore if you like but it'd be better to keep her nameless to the reader just for now since you don't call her by name until this moment. Appearance is spelt wrong.

The air was filled with questions as Lilac paced the empty street, her cheeks drained of natural colour, leaving only the pasty shades of make up on her face.

I find that a little odd, wouldn't her head be filled with questions?

Question: why don't you post longer sections? Something to think about: description. Not too much, a general idea would be great otherwise the reader has no clear picture of these characters and their world[s].

I hope to read more.

Myth

****

Her boots thudded against the plush carpet as she trooped the other side of the hallway. She was shaking, unfamiliar jolts of excitement shooting across her stomach. She could hear the frantic buzz of music and chatter grow louder as she edged her way to the door.

This was her home. Not Slum City, not Flat 22A. Forever and always, this was where she belonged.

She reached the door and kicked it open. The Sewer System Nightclub presented itself before her in a cloud of noise and colour. It had barely changed.

Clouds of smoke hovered over the bar, retro music pumping through every outlet. The hideous wallpaper was peeling in an attempt to escape, while the bar was surrounded by bloody-eyed figures, slumped over the rotting wood counter. A library of illegal beverages lined the walls, every colour of the rainbow.

'Moira.'

The shock of hearing her own name initially made her grasp the loaded gun in her pocket, but the familiar furry face reassured her, and the warm glow filled her stomach.

'Mr. Toad.'

He was sat alone, barely visible in the shrouding blanket of smoke. She could see his eyes,black as coal but still shining through the darkness.

Working her way through the crowd, she saw his face emerge from the milky grey smoke. His features seemed frozen in youth. Not a single hair of the many on his face had greyed, all still a snow white. His nose was still a fleshy pink and the cheeky grin was as fresh as ever.

'Moira.'

'Mr. Toad.'

Moira sat on the lumpy leather seats and shook his sharp pink hands.

Mr. Toad was a rat humanoid though his attempts to change had gone as far as a pointless pseudonym. His eyes were nervous and traveled across the nightclub, taking note of every face.

'It's good to see you.'

'Good to see you too. Why did you call me back?'

Mr. Toad hesitated, his chiseled white teeth biting his chin nervously. 'I bought you a Cherry Shot.'

Moira eyed the injection with anxiety, blood red and spilling onto the cracks of the oak tables. She resisted the urge and pushed the needle away.

'I'm not...not tonight,' Moira said nervously, trying to follow his unreadable eyes. 'What's up with the new password? Sounds all cryptic...'

Mr. Toad shrugged 'On order of the new boss. Who, by the way, you'll be seeing soon. It'll explain everything.'

'New management?' Moira eyes swung to the door, and she sensed more than one pair of eyes on her 'I can trust you, can't I?'

Mr. Toad's face spread into a smile 'Of course you can, Moira. I've been with you from the beginning.'

Moira sensed the excitement get washed away by a distinctly different feeling. Nausea.

****

'Hello, you've reached the Emergency Services, sponsored by New Cherry Shot. Mmm...that's a Cherry Shot! The Emergency Services are currently unavailable.'

'I can't believe this!' Lilac continued to pace to the street, while Roth and Rover sat on the pavement. The automatic light from Rover's eyes was the only light on the whole street, a small golden puddle on the road.

'The whole system is down!' She snapped 'The whole system!'

Lilac threw the headset off her ear and onto the rough tarmac. She brought her heel down on it with such force that it shattered across the road, glittering in the glare of Rover's light.

'And we can't contact anyone, because we're in the Abandoned Circle!'

'Yes,' Said Roth, as though only just realising this 'Why were you here? When I saw it on the tracking signal I thought it was mistake.'

Lilac looked back at the building she's been sat on a few moments before, and Roth saw the nostalgia in her eyes.

'Mum's first factory,' She said with a proud smile 'It was the first factory of its kind, and Mum was on the Rich List within three months. I just like to...remember, you know? Cos that's all I've got left...memories.'

***************
The Human squealed.

'This is a logical conclusion to our plans,' Said a sharp, almost hissing voice 'You must be killed.'

It saw her frightened eyes pleading for life more then her mouth ever could. It saw the sweat shining on her forehead and drenching her hair. It saw the lone tear running down her cheek. It felt nothing.

The six foot metallic figure towered over its victim. The Boss was a thick, steel rimmed robot whose arms were hard as iron and could move like human muscles. Its legs were athletic and flexible, above which was one of the most sophisticated chest units in robot production history.

The Boss's face was blank. A long vision perceptor stretched across the top of its head and the rest was simply smooth silver and steel.

'I'm sure you are upset that you will not be attending the Ambassador's Party,' The Boss said 'But you will have to die. Kill her.'

(P.S Thanks to all criticisms so far. I think you're right Myth about the lack of description, it's something I need to work on. I thought I'd do a few more paragraphs and then come back with a revised version. Thanks to everyone so far.)

Green = Comment/Correction
Blue = Suggestion
Black = Review

*

Her boots thudded against the plush carpet as she trooped the other side of the hallway.

Thudded? Plush carpet? Sound would actually be muffled by plush carpet, it’s soft remember? So I suppose she’d be noiseless or something.

‘Moira.’

The shock of hearing her own name initially made her grasp the loaded gun in her pocket, but the familiar furry face reassured her, and the warm glow filled her stomach.

If you take my advice about her name then this is the perfect way of introducing her =]

He was sat alone, barely visible in the shrouding blanket of smoke. She could see his eyes,[space] black as coal but still shining through the darkness.

^^^ See quote

Not a single hair of the many on his face had greyed, all still a snow white.

Meaning he has a beard? I wasn’t sure here.

His eyes were nervous and [b]traveled[b] across the nightclub, taking note of every face.

You’re from Wales so I suppose you’d use the British spelling.

Lilac looked back at the building she's been sat on a few moments before, and Roth saw the nostalgia in her eyes.

Not too sure what you mean here. The building she had been inside rather than ‘sat on’? Or is this a phrase they use?

Cos that's all I've got left...memories.'

I really hate seeing ‘cos’. The word is because so the shortened form ought to be ’cause. But that is entirely my opinion so don’t change it unless you want to =]

It saw her frightened eyes pleading for life more then her mouth ever could.

Correction: ‘then’ = than

*

Hello again!

Short instalments are actually good, now I can work at it during my break rather than spend all nights glued to the computer =]

I’m beginning to like each characters and their scenes on different levels: Moira with her mysterious bruises [which Toad doesn’t register, why?], Rover who seems human but isn’t and Lilac who has two sides to her character. Good going.

Anyway, the repetitions of the ‘smoke’ in Moira’s scene got annoying after a while—tone it down a little. I’m glad Mr Toad doesn’t remind me of Toad character from Wind in the Willows but I didn’t really get a picture of his style of clothes: he could be a business man type or someone who is into the latest ‘trend’ and I imagined him as the guy who plays Linderman[sp] from Heroes. One more on the Toad: Moira was by the door and through the smoke she could see his eyes, how far away was he and how could see him through a ‘crowd’ of people? Is Toad a robot—you mention rat humanoid and I have no idea what that means! Is it a metaphor? I hope you don’t mind me calling him Toad.

In the last scene are the robots the same type as Rover? No emotions? Do they know/recognise what emotion a human feels?

I’ll leave it at that before I plague you with a list of endless questions.

Myth

Thanks for all yout crit so far. Mr. Toad is a rat humanoid, meaning that he is has the basic shape of human, but the appearance of a rat. The reason he's called Mr. Toad doesn't really play a large part, but saying that....

The whole 'sat on' thing was because at the beginning of the story, Lilac and Rover were actually sitting at the top of her mother's building, but maybe I didn't make that clear enough.

Yeah, and I agree about the smoke thing. But once I used smoke, mist and smog I was kinda stuck for words


Oh, and to answer your question, Rover is a robot who only has the emotion of jealousy, although it is implied that if a robot knows enough about an emotion, they can imitate it.

As for The Boss and his robots, they chose not to have any emotions at all. You'll see why in the very near future.

And feel free to ask any other questions

A lifeless body slumped against the floor.

'Get rid of her,' It said.

A circle of robots, glimmering under the dim light of the office, clutched the limp, heavy body and began to remove it.

It turned to The Second, a gangly robot with rusting edges and sunken red eyes, and gave a small nod.

'Bring me the girl.'

The robot skidded out on its disc-shaped hoverpad, flying straight and then jutting into doors and cabinets. The Boss would get a better henchman when the revolution came.

The Boss stood behind his desk, and waited. When the door slid open, the robot had returned, its steel claws cutting into human flesh. It was the girl. Mid twenties, hair like the colour of dried blood, and forehead bulging with a luminous bruise. Her face was smooth and young, but her eyes so hardened and cold, so much going on behind those baby blue eyes.

Behind her was Mr. Toad, his pit black eyes fixated on the girl, watching her every move.

'Sit down.'

She stared at the robot across the desk, trying to discover as much as she could from its blank expression and limited movement. Only occasionally was there a flash of electricity from behind its vision preceptor.

She sat down.

'Your name, I take it, is Moira St.Castle?'

'Correct.'

'You worked as a Sprinter for Mr. Toad?'

'Correct.'

She was still a Sprinter, if an independent one. [i]Sprinter[/i], it sounded so glamorous. A Sprinter ran drugs around the city, sprinting from one dealer to the next; buying, and selling, buying and selling. Sometimes selling more than drugs.

Her bruise seemed to throb harder with the memories. Sprinters had to be at the peak of fitness, and Mr. Toad had snatched her from the Suburbs when she was barely a teenager. Now her limbs ached and strained.

'I seem to have lost you, St.Castle,' The Boss said 'You seemed to be day dreaming. Day dreamers are not part of my plan.'

'And what is your plan?'

'You, St.Castle, are going to blow the Ambassador, his party, and all four thousand of his guests,' He motioned to the ceiling 'Into the sky.'

*********

'We can get you to the Ambassador's party yet,' Roth said with a hopeful smile.

'Don't make it sound like Cinderella Roth.'

'No, listen,' Roth dug into his army uniform and withdrew a map 'One of the boys drew it up for me. He swears he's seen it.'

'Seen what?' Lilac's hopeful smile faded 'Not the....The Ghost Train? Oh, you're joking. The Ghost Train? Why bother? We might as well wait for Santa to give us a lift or see if the Tooth Fairy has any left over-'

'Shut up!' She sensed the anger in his voice, the aggression seemed to spread across his face, until he looked like a different man. His fists clenched, and Lilac took a step back.

'Listen, Lilac!' His voice cut across the still air, rebounding off the walls 'I have been through hell to get to you tonight. We have no way of getting back unless we use....The Ghost Train.'

'What's the Ghost Train?' Rover asked sheepishly 'Because if it's only a human thing, then I am so jealous! I mean, why is it-'

'It's a legend,' The air grew colder around them 'It was supposed to be the invention of the future. But it went horribly wrong.'

*****88
Well, I'm still slogging along here. All crit so far has been very helpful and expect a revised version here soon. Oh and....
What next I hear you cry?
Friends becoming enemies, A Fire Plan malfunctioning...and a ride on the ghost train!

Green = Comment/Correction
Blue = Suggestion
Black = Review

*

'Bring me the girl.'

Maybe other girl would be better since the robots are getting rid of a different girl at the beginning of the scence, avoids confusion.

'We can get you to the Ambassador's party yet,' Roth said with a hopeful smile.

'Don't make it sound like Cinderella Roth.'

Wonderful! =]

'What's the Ghost Train?' Rover asked sheepishly 'Because if it's only a human thing, then I am so jealous! I mean, why is it-'

*

Hello!

The only thing you need to work a bit more on how Rover would express his jealousy. It seems as if he is boasting about this particular emotion, not the way a person naturally feels jealous. Here it seemed a little forced.

'What's the Ghost Train?' Rover asked sheepishly 'Because if it's only a human thing, then I am so jealous! I mean, why is it-'

That's all for now. Look forward to te revised version.

Myth

'It all sounds very dramatic,' Rover said.

'It was meant to be like the old-earth trains,' Lilac continued 'Except instead of riding on tracks it was to ride over the sky. They said you could see the whole of Violet Lights from there. Look down and just....be one of the stars.'

'Not the-,' Rover's metallic body was jerking as he processed the information 'Your mother. Lady Argentina X...she died in a horrific accident. This accident?'

Lilac nodded, her eyes shining with tears.

'She was in the front row,' Her voice crackled 'I saw it go up...oh, it was beautiful. And there was my mum, flying like an angel, and.....then they came crashing back down.'

The silence that followed seem to hang around like a mist. Lilac desperately trying to gloss over her tears with make up, Roth's eyes looking like he wanted to go to her, but his body stuck stiff to the where he was.

'There were two Ghost Trains,' Roth said finally 'And rumour has it, one of them has been left around here. And I have a map!'

Four shadows emerged from the puddles of darkness around them. A death white face shone from the blackness around it.

Lilac mouthed the words:

'Stealers.'

'We don't want fuss,' Said the white faced man, who had one brown eye and another blood red 'We just want your memories.'

**********

Well that's it for now. Who are the mysterious Stealers? What is The Boss's plans for Violet Lights, and how does Moira play a part? Will Lilac and Roth make it to the Ambassador's Party in time or perish on The Ghost Train?
So many questions, and all will be answered when a revised version of the story so far and more will be up soon.

Thanks for crit so far, especially Myth.

Hello!

For the revised version you should definitely add description and character action. They're not just standing there delivering their lines like, say, robots and this should also give an idea to who is positioned where in the scene. For example when we first meet Lilac and Rover I had imagined them in a street somewhere but then later found they were in fact sitting in a building related to Lilac.

The last installment was a little confusing, I have no idea what this Ghost Train is supposed to look like, a train from our time? Does it hover since it flies through the sky rather than along tracks on the ground?

Stealers want memories? I'm interested in finding out how they go about that.

Look forward to more.

Myth

It does say in the first part that Lilac is sitting on 'Global Inc.' and that she can feel the world puslating 'below her'.

Do you think that's not enough detail? By the way, in case that sounds like a sarcastic question, I'm genuinely asking .