Young Writers Society

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I can honestly say that I have no complaints with this piece. The way you hook in your readers is engaging and informative without being dull or boring. At the end how you drew out the suspense as to what happened to the children makes it even more sickening to imagine and gave it even more interest to me. I really liked this peice.

Daaang. This was amazing. Your first sentence, which is almost a disclaimer, drew me in.

This was a bit of an info-dump, but since it is the beginning, I think it can be forgiven. Just get to the story. You have set it up to do so, so there is no problem there.

I really couldn't find anything to critique other than that. This was pretty awesome.I loved the way the narration is so stoic and without feeling, yet still sad. It's hard to explain just how it made me feel. I guess shocked would be the best word. The tone was just so "This is how it is" matter of fact and it is describing these horrible things.

Wonderful job.

~GryphonFledgling

Hello again Scribe! *waves*

Ooh, five gold stars. This'll be interesting.

God I love your diction. And the Nietzsche reference. And Dante Alighieri as well? Wow. *worships*

and blood is spilt over things that matter.

Do you mean blood is spilt over things that don't matter? Because otherwise it doesn't agree with the idea you're trying to portray in that paragraph.

and console them of the honor Pangea proscribes.

Should that be "prescribes" or am I just being ignorant?

At the proper age, It ake the child from their parents.

Typo! I take*

The child is fed sparingly over those six months and put through extensive excersize.

Excercise*

Whoa. Once again, you have blown my mind with your concept. You are truly a diamond in the rough, Scribe. Truly. I love your work.

If you ever have anything you'd like me to critique, please PM me. I would be delighted to look at anything.

-Saint Razorblade
The Official YWS Pirate

I lovelovelove the voice. Sounds like a reasonable sort of person, ya' know?

This was niice. Good job. And I love the title, it's very catchy.

Incredible. A good writer. The only issues I had with it have been covered by Saint.

This story is amazing but the thought of that world makes me angry.

This. Is. Amazing. I love the tone. And I felt almost sick reading about what happens to the children. Love the last bit. Saint Razorblade pretty much covered all the little issues. I absolutely loved this, I really really want to read more.