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Space Station Charlie



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Mon Dec 31, 2007 8:42 pm
mindoverflow812 says...



When Cody Burns designed Space Station-C, he had no idea what it was to become. The US government officials had come to him with a design contract and very little information. Mr. Burns was not the type to ask questions, and the sum quoted on the contract had several zeros attached to it.

So, he started work immediately. The station was a marvel of engineering. It had a G-wheel and compensator, which made gravity in the station exactly equal to that of Earth's norm. The facilities were all perfectly planned out and it even looked cool, all shiny titanium and chrome. When Cody Burns finished his design blueprints and papers, and the station was finally built, the US officials handed over a check, with a few extra zeros added on, "just for a bonus."


Unfortunately for Mr. Burns, he never had a chance to spend his newfound fortune.
Scarcely two months after the station's completion, he was quietly and efficiently assassinated and the builders' shuttle was mysteriously "lost" in space. Space Station-C was an entirely undercover operation.

A year later, after several equipment checks and numerous job interviews, the space station was fully operational and all staff was on board. The two coordinators, Alexander Vorcht and Michael Wilson, met in the VIP conference room.

"We need a test case," said Vorcht.
"Yes. Absolutely," agreed Wilson. "The Processing Center must be tested on a low-risk subject. Preferably a student. Most students are expendable." Vorcht gave a nasty, thin smile. "We need to prove that the Processing Center can truly overcome all personality issues and produce the ideal cadet."

"I think I have just the right person for you, Wilson. Currently under suspension from school. Rap sheet as long as the Amazon: violence, graffiti, insubordination, and definitive signs of juvenile angst." Wilson looked like his birthday had been declared a national holiday.

"Perfect!" he exclaimed. "Who's the subject?"

"One Jeffery Emmerson," Vorcht read from his papers. "Resident of Rockport, Maine. Aged 15."

"I think Mr. Emmerson should pay our station a little 'visit'" said Wilson, with a twisted grin.

***

Martin Fletcher stared into his cold coffee. You'd think it was easy being president of the United States. With almost all the functions of the government automated, all he had to do was sit in his office and venture out for the occasional speech. However, Fletcher had big plans for his country, not only his country, but the whole world. He pressed the red button on his desktop. Thirty seconds later, a harassed little man in spectacles and a shabby suit hurried in through his office doors.

"Mr. Fletcher, sir?"

"Aaah. Robins, I've been wanting a talk with you." The man sank into a chair across the desk from the president. This was not a chair he enjoyed occupying.

"You have, sir?"

"Yes. It's about the Underground project."

"The Underground project, sir?" said Robins with a shudder. "Surely you are not planning to continue."

"Of course I am planning to continue, idiot!" A flash of anger spasmed across the president's face. "I need your figures! Immediately!" Robins cringed visibly.

"I have done the analysis, Sir, as you instructed." He handed over a single typed sheet. "Everything is correct, but I would strongly advise you not-" He was cut of as the president raised a warning hand.

"Robins, you are here to do mathematical analysis. You do not advise. You simply obey!" He returned his gaze to the figures, tracing each line with the forefinger of one hand. Robins rose to leave, understanding the meeting to be terminated.

"Oh, and Robins..."

"Yes, Sir?"

"Get Mr. Wilson on line four."

"At once, Sir."

"It had better be."

***

Why do these things always happen to me? wondered Jeffery Emmerson, pacing the confined space of his cabin. It was a very small room. One bunk in the corner, a single closet, and a steel door that only locked from the outside. This was not what he had wanted to do with his life.

But what did I want to do with my life? It was a good question. Jeffery Emmerson had never thought about this before. He had lived in Maine all his life and knew nothing of the world outside. School had never seemed right, but then, not very much had, not even home.

Growing up on the docks of Rockport, he had only ever really known one thing for sure, and that was that he never wanted to leave. So much for that. When I get back there may be no Rockport. When I go back...if I go back...

***

The little boy ran down the pier and jumped of the end. He landed in the clear, cold water with a splash. No one else felt like swimming, not in the middle of March. No one, that is, except the seals. They frolicked and played out in the deeper water. The boy paddled out further away from the dock. Nobody came to the docks on Sundays. There was no one to watch him.

The seals didn't swim away as the boy got closer. One of them even emitted a happy bark and swam towards him. The boy mimicked the bark and splashed further out, flicking water at the seals. They seemed to accept him without question. It was a beautiful picture, boy and seals, playing in the early morning sun...

"BOY!!!" The morning stillness shattered and the seals dived down and were gone. "GET BACK HERE!" A huge man was standing on the dock, holding a lobster trap and bellowing. The boy looked back, scared, but paddled in to the dock, obediently.

"What do you think you're doing?" the man shouted, hauling the boy out of the water by the armpits. "Swimming when there's work to be done!" The boy cowered, dripping wet, water pooling off his swim trunks onto the dock. The man raised his fist, his face red.

"No, papa! No, please NO!!"

***

Updated at 5:07 April 2. Sorry for the continued editting! :?
Last edited by mindoverflow812 on Wed Apr 02, 2008 9:08 pm, edited 7 times in total.
  





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Mon Dec 31, 2007 8:52 pm
the morrow says...



mindoverflow812 wrote:Jeffery scowled as he walked down the corridor. He hated the feel of his tight fitting, space station issued jumpsuit. He missed the comfortable bagginess of his earth cargo pants and T-shirt, but it was different here. He scuffed the floor with his shoes as he walked. You'd have thought that living on a space station would have been thrilling, but no. Jeffery had been on the Station for 5 months and nothing more interesting had happened than several toddlers getting space sick. Ridiculous. He snorted. It was so stupid. Just because of his suspension from school, he had been picked as a trial case for the Station. Thanks, thought Jeffery, but I'd rather be doing lines. So now, thousands of miles from home and all his friends, Jeffery was supposed to start over. No way, man! he thought. No way!


It's a good beginning. The first sentence is solid and does an adequate job to draw the reader in. You begin three consecutive sentences with "he," and this makes the paragraph seem redundant.
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Mon Dec 31, 2007 9:08 pm
BigBadBear says...



Hey! Welcome to YWS, although you are hardly new. Joined in October, eh? Haven't been on much?

Anyhow, this is a good beginning. There isn't very much to critique because you gave us only a paragraph. Next time, consider posting an entire chapter, or perhaps the first couple pages?

Now, for the paragraph:

It was quite good. You brought the personality out quite nicely. Good job.

"effery had been on the Station for 5 months and nothing more interesting had happened than several toddlers getting space sick."

'for 5 months' is the problem. Always, always, always, ALWAYS write out the numbers. Please do. If you just write it like what you then it looks poor and un-professional.

Other than that, the morrow caught the 'he's all over the place.

So, considering posting more, quite soon. And remember that you can only post one thing a day, and you have to critique two stories for every one thing that you post.

Happy writing and New Year!

BBB
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Mon Dec 31, 2007 9:20 pm
Gladius says...



Good start, Overflow! However, it has some formatting issues. Other than that, so far the grammar looks fine and punctuation isn't overly complicated, so nothing to fear...for now.

On to formatting- you need a couple new paragraphs in this. It's also rather short for a first chapter- you quite literally have only one paragraph as it's formatted currently. *coughcough* Ehem!

Back to formatting (sheesh, I have trouble staying on topic! =/)! You currently have:
mindoverflow812 wrote:Jeffery scowled as he walked down the corridor. He hated the feel of his tight fitting, space station issued jumpsuit. He missed the comfortable bagginess of his earth cargo pants and T-shirt, but it was different here. He scuffed the floor with his shoes as he walked. You'd have thought that living on a space station would have been thrilling, but no. Jeffery had been on the Station for 5 months and nothing more interesting had happened than several toddlers getting space sick. Ridiculous. He snorted. It was so stupid. Just because of his suspension from school, he had been picked as a trial case for the Station. Thanks, thought Jeffery, but I'd rather be doing lines. So now, thousands of miles from home and all his friends, Jeffery was supposed to start over. No way, man! he thought. No way!

You probably want (for the forum, anyway):
Jeffery scowled as he walked down the corridor. He hated the feel of his tight fitting, space station issued jumpsuit. He missed the comfortable bagginess of his earth cargo pants and T-shirt, but it was different here.

He scuffed the floor with his shoes as he walked. You'd have thought that living on a space station would have been thrilling, but no. Jeffery had been on the Station for five months and nothing more interesting had happened than several toddlers getting space sick. Ridiculous.

He snorted. It was so stupid. Just because of his suspension from school, he had been picked as a trial case for the Station. Thanks, thought Jeffery, but I'd rather be doing lines. So now, thousands of miles from home and all his friends, Jeffery was supposed to start over. No way, man! he thought. No way!

I also marked in bold that 5 should be written out. ;)
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Tue Jan 01, 2008 1:19 am
Prosithion says...



Jeffery scowled as he walked down the corridor. He hated the feel of his tight fitting, space station issued jumpsuit, it mad him miss the comfortable bagginess of his earth cargo pants and T-shirt, but things were different here...


It seems like you jump right into the story here without so much as an intro. If I were you, I'd try and explain to the reader what's going on, because even though thi is only a beginning, and you'll explain more as the story goes on, the reader will get tired pretty quickly of being left in the dark about what's happening.

There was no need for seasonal clothes. There wasn't even an outside. He glanced out a portal and scuffed the floor with his shoes as he walked....


Change floor to deck. I think it'll fit better with the whole space station/technology feel of this beginning.

You'd have thought that living on a space station would be thrilling, but no. Jeffery had been on the Station for five months and nothing more interesting had happened than several toddlers getting space sick.


This part isn't needed. I have the tendancy myself to add uneeded information. So, get rid of this, or, since it has some bearing on the rest of this, make it less informative and more... conversational

Ridiculous. He snorted. It was so stupid. Just because of his suspension from school he'd been picked as a trial case for the Station. Thanks, thought Jeffery, but I'd rather be doing lines. So now, thousands of miles from home and all his friends, Jeffery was supposed to start over. No way, man! he thought. No way!


I like this part. It adds a sense of anticipation to the story. It makes me want to read more and find out what happens.

Other then the few things I've mentioned, it was very good. Write more. I want to read it. In fact, if you post more, email me about it, and I'll come take a look. Don't PM me, cause I'm not online enough to read my PM's.

Good luck,
Pros
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Thu Jan 10, 2008 11:35 pm
seeminglymeaningless says...



Hey - you seem to have plenty of GOOD critiques already, you don't need mine ^^

I agree with every single comment the above YWSers have stated. Set it out properly, "he" is used a few too many times, and maybe use a bit more description.

And here are the mistakes/corrections:

-------------------------

Jeffery scowled as he walked down the corridor. He hated the feel of his tight fitting, space station issued jumpsuit, it mad <---------- "made" ------- him miss the comfortable bagginess of his earth cargo pants and T-shirt, but things were different here. There was no need for seasonal clothes. There wasn't even an outside.

He glanced out a portal and scuffed the floor with his shoes as he walked. The vast black emptiness of space stretched on forever. You'd have thought that living on a space station would be thrilling, but no.

Jeffery had been on the Station for five months and nothing more interesting had happened than several toddlers getting space sick ------ "space sick, and even that wasn't interesting, just vastly amusing."---------------.

Ridiculous. He snorted. It was so stupid. Just because of his suspension from school he'd been picked as a trial case for the Station. Thanks, thought Jeffery, but I'd rather be doing lines. So now, thousands of miles from home and all his friends, Jeffery was supposed to start over. No way, man! he thought. No way! <------------------ Hmm. . . this last bit is a bit. . . strange. ^^ I never think to myself, "No way girl! No way." About anything. And also, wouldn't they be looking for model students instead of high-school idiots? A space station is a confined place, they'd want people who'd get along, not angst-filled teenagers :)

--------------

Otherwise, a good beginning for a story - though there really should be more here. I suggest the next bit should just be attached onto this one, so you don't flood the forum with 1 paragraph posts ^^"

Keep up the good work - I do want to read more of this :)

- jai -

PS - oh, you should probably change your title for this too. . . sometimes people don't want to read stories where you're begging them to critique it *teehee* I learned that the hard way.
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Sun Mar 30, 2008 5:49 pm
mindoverflow812 says...



Hey, thanks for the input, guys! I just did some updating, maybe you'd like to take another look. I think it's improved.
  





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Mon Mar 31, 2008 12:28 am
Runawaythoughts says...



1rst off, I like the thought process, disepearing people, undercover space statoins, but wasting it all on a place for suspeneded students, COME ON! This must be a fake right, a cover-up?
"One Jeffery Emmerson," Vorcht read from his papers. "Resident of Rockport, Maine. Aged 15."
"I think Mr. Emmerson should pay our station a little 'visit'" said Wilson, with a grin.


Okay two things about this quote. I was thinking maybe its just 'modern' speech for your book but no one is aged 15 their 15 years old, and One Jeffery Emmerson? Whats that supposed to mean? good luck!
  





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Mon Mar 31, 2008 12:45 am
GryphonFledgling says...



No, Runaway, that's just official-type lingo. It is perfectly legitimate.

I liked it. My main concern is that one chunk of text near the middle, where all the dialogue is. It is all grouped together. You need to put an extra line break in between each new line of dialogue by a different speaker.

Also, you should probably somehow separate the beginning from where it turns into Jeffery's POV. Some sort of marker (* * * works wonders) so that it is clear that the viewpoint is changing.

The only thing I didn't like about your beginning was that the entire spiel is telling, rather than showing. It's interesting history, but I think it is kind of giving a lot away before the story actually starts. Do you want the reader to know this much about your space station before they even meet the main character?

Good luck with your writing! I look forward to seeing more of this!

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Thu Apr 03, 2008 7:39 pm
mindoverflow812 says...



I keep updating this, but I don't know how to tell people. Any suggestions? :?
  





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Thu Apr 03, 2008 9:19 pm
KJ says...



Hey. I just wanted to let you know that I liked this. The only thing I didn't particularly like was your hook. Wasn't striking enough, it seemed like. But I did enjoy it. Very well-written.
  








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