Young Writers Society

For new readers:

You don't have to read this short pieces in order. In fact, they can be read in any order. I just am not very original at titling. They were written as part of a 100 fic challenge where the author is given 100 one-word prompts and has to write 100 short pieces of fiction. Mine are all set in the same world and centered around the same happenings in general, but they are all about different characters and their own lives. The goal is, by the end, the reader will have a well-rounded insight in to the world and its happenings involving the Mutts.

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1/10/08

069 – Thunder

Peter lay belly-down on his dragon’s back, slowly stroking the leathery neck. It wouldn’t be too long now.

The bond between a handler and his charge was very deep. Everyone but the executives that ran the military knew that. To them, the dragon was a product, genetic merchandise, possibly not even alive.

Peter knew better, of course. After two years, he and his dragon, affectionately known as Thunder, were close as possible. Soul mates even. Peter didn’t even have to signal usually. It was as if Thunder could read his thoughts. There were times when Peter almost believed he could.

But Thunder had been in an accident. In a raid of a Mutt settlement, one of their escape tunnels collapsed as Thunder galloped over it. The dragon had fallen in, breaking both of his front legs and shattering most of his rib cage. Dragons were sturdy, but their hollow bones were not meant to withstand suddenly smashing into a hole. Thunder had tried to stop his fall, but instead he had twisted his legs into strange positions, making them even more vulnerable.

Now he was useless. Dragons were like horses; constantly on their feet. Laying down too long could twist intestines. There was no choice but to put Thunder down. An enormous dose of anesthesia would be injected and Thunder would die in his sleep. It was a peaceful way to go, Peter was glad of that, but it didn’t make it any easier for him to say good-bye.

Now he lay on Thunder, the dragon was shot through with pain-killers for now, savoring his heat of life for one last time before it would fade. Already he could see the vet approaching with the injection needle gun.

Peter hugged Thunder’s neck, then slipped off. Thunder turned his head curiously towards the approaching veterinarian, but Peter caught the dragon’s jaw and covered his eyes, normally so bright but now clouded over with drugs, with his hands.

The needle went in silently, and Thunder settled down with a deep, hot sigh. Peter closed his charge’s eyes with his fingers, then walked away. He wanted to be crying, but the tears didn’t come. Instead, he walked silently to his tent and collapsed on his bed. Burying his face in the hard pillow, he screamed long and loud. His friend was gone. The executives wouldn’t understand. They would send him a new dragon to handle. He didn’t want a new dragon. All he wanted was Thunder back.

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Thinking about it, I may go back eventually and retitle these pieces with the prompt in the title, rather than a number, which causes a bit of confusion.

EDIT: Been there, done that. ^

Thanks for reading!

Peter lay belly-down on his dragon’s back, slowly stroking the leathery neck. It wouldn’t be too long now

-- Peter lay flat on his dragon's back

To them, the dragon was a product, genetic merchandise, possibly not even alive.

-- take out possibly not even alive

but their hollow bones were not meant to withstand suddenly smashing into a hole.

-- awkward, reword

Now he was useless.

-- this seems kind of harsh. Since peter seems to love his dragon find a better way to phrase this

Now he lay on Thunder, the dragon was shot through with pain-killers for now, savoring his heat of life for one last time before it would fade.

-- try to reword this, I understand what you are saying but it doesn't flow very well

I really liked this story! Great job! Just a few suggestions:
1) I think you need to portray Peter's emotions more vividly. You say that he loves him but you should try and show the readers that peter loves him. Have him cry, have him hug the dragon tightly, clasping his arms around his neck, not wanting to let go.
2) You also do a lot of telling in the story. Try instead to show the readers as in maybe start out the story with the vet approaching with the needle and then describe what happens maybe through dialogue between the vet and Peter and then have Peter bid Thunder a heartfelt goodbye.

Other than that well done! I love the world you have created in this story! Keep up the good work!

Great Job!

Your last reviewer caught a lot of your mistakes, and im not going to make you feel like a loser by repeating them, so besides that here goes.

and his dragon,[no comma] affectionately known as Thunder, were close as possible. [change to a semi-colon so the next sentence isnt a fargment] [if you listen to me by making that period a semi, you'll also need to lowercase this 's'] Soul mates even.

1) You didn't give descriptions of what peter or the dragon look like. You need some imagery. You may think Peter is super athletic and has short brown hair. I could think of peter as a fat short kid who has long red hair down to his butt! Give yoiur reader at least a little something to build the characters in their head off of.

2) Emotions. Your saying things but that doesn't prove anything. I could say love my salad, but that doesn't mean anything. Give examples of why you love it, make your characters show it!

As your last reviewer said, show not tell.

3)A lot of this was an info dump. I know its practically impossible to make a short story not info-dumpy, but hey, at least give it a shot.

I'm going to read the others, so i hope i helped you out a little with this review.

Hmmm...I'm reminded of Dragonriders of Pern.

How were the anesthetics administered? Surely a needle wouldn't penetrate the tough hide of a dragon!

I haven't read any of the other ones, so if you haven't done so already I would recommend doing multiple stories of each character. This wasn't really enough for me to get attatched to Thunder or Peter. What kind of relationship did they have? How long did they know each other? What other experiences did they have together?

I hope you can answer my questions with other stories!

Hey Gryph, guess who's back. (This one was slightly rougher, however, so I will have some edits. [In bold, of course])

GryphonFledgling wrote:For new readers:

You don't have to read this short pieces in order. In fact, they can be read in any order. Ahhh, I see. I just am not very original at titling. They were written as part of a 100 fic challenge where the author is given 100 one-word prompts and has to write 100 short pieces of fiction. Mine are all set in the same world and centered around the same happenings in general, but they are all about different characters and their own lives. The goal is, by the end, the reader will have a well-rounded insight in to the world and its happenings involving the Mutts.

--------

1/10/08

069 – Thunder

Peter lay belly-down on his dragon’s back, slowly stroking the leathery neck. It wouldn’t be too long now.

The bond between a handler and his charge was very deep. Everyone but the executives that ran the military knew that. To them, the dragon was a product, genetic merchandise, possibly not even alive. Someone said this already, but I have to agree, ditch the final phrase.

Peter knew better, of course. After two years, he and his dragon, affectionately known as Thunder, were close as possible. Soul mates even. Peter didn’t even have to signal usually. It was as if Thunder could read his thoughts. Eragon, anyone? There were times when Peter almost believed he could.

But Thunder had been in an accident. In a raid of a Mutt settlement, one of their escape tunnels collapsed as Thunder galloped over it. The dragon had fallen in, breaking both of his front legs and shattering most of his rib cage. Dragons were sturdy, but their hollow bones were not meant to withstand suddenly smashing into a hole. Again I agree... change this up. Thunder had tried to stop his fall, but instead he had twisted his legs into strange positions, making them even more vulnerable. I want to ask... did Thunder land on any Mutts?? Because if he did at least he died somewhat of a hero.

Now he was useless. I just watched Seabiscuit, and it that they talk about not putting down horses because even if they aren't good at something (in that case, racehorse, in this war dragon), but using them for something else. I'm not saying Thunder shouldn't die, rather that you change this sentence to something more like "Now he was useless for battle. Sorry about the long text. Dragons were like horses; constantly on their feet. Laying down too long could twist intestines. There was no choice but to put Thunder down. An enormous dose of anesthesia I kind of like the "enormous" right here... it helps sadden the phrase. would be injected and Thunder would die in his sleep. It was a peaceful way to go, Peter was glad of that, Maybe rephrase this "Peter was glad it would be peaceful, but it didn't..." or "Peter was glad it would be a peaceful way to go..." Hmm. I just had another thought. Do the same as I said before, but also change the word "glad", to something a bit more serious, since Peter's not glad the dragon is going to die. Maybe try "thankful"?? but it didn’t make it any easier for him to say good-bye.

Now he lay on Thunder, the dragon was shot through with pain-killers for now, savoring his heat of life for one last time before it would fade. Already he could see the vet approaching with the injection needle gun. A gun, eh? Cool.

Peter hugged Thunder’s neck, then slipped off. Thunder turned his head curiously towards the approaching veterinarian, but Peter caught the dragon’s jaw and covered his eyes, normally so bright but now clouded over with drugs, with his hands. Whoa! Change this wording. Confusing at first. I would just ditch the "with his hands." And maybe make the second to last phrase slightly less run-on?? I get it, but a little bit messy.

The needle went in silently, and Thunder settled down with a deep, hot sigh. Peter closed his charge’s eyes with his fingers, then walked away. He wanted to be crying, but the tears didn’t come. Instead, he walked silently to his tent and collapsed on his bed. Burying his face in the hard pillow, he screamed long and loud. Screamed... just seems kind of weird. Personal preference though, so it's your choice. His friend was gone. The executives wouldn’t understand. They would send him a new dragon to handle. He didn’t want a new dragon. All he wanted was Thunder back. Good ending.

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Thinking about it, I may go back eventually and retitle these pieces with the prompt in the title, rather than a number, which causes a bit of confusion. Sounds like a good idea...

Thanks for reading!

Okay, so let's see... a lot of edits this time... but it was pretty long. I'm not sure what else to critique, as I love your writing style, and it's not different for this. So I guess all the edits are up there. ^^^^^ Sorry if I was just quoting what other people said.... (If so, then everyone agrees on what needs to be changed and the rest is good! )

By the way, does the competition tell you key words (aka, "Thunder") for you to use as titles???

If so, you've done amazing. Wait, you've done amazingly whether they tell you or not... lol.

Let me do a quick rating.

Wording: 7.5/10
Not so great this time...

Plot: 7.5/10
Pretty simple plot, but still good.

Character Development: 9/10
You've done great with this, especially since you only have a short clip to develop your characters.

Description: 7.5/10
Your description, especially of Thunder's fall into the cave, wasn't top on this one...

Overall: 8/10
This wouldn't make sense mathematically if you used the other four ratings (more like 8.5), but there are smaller things that I'll leave unrated that have slightly lowered your score.

If not quite as good as your others, this was still a great story... I loved the character development with the boy.

Keep writing!!

Teh Wozzinator

Edit: Oneeyedunicornhunter, I don't know if Gryph is allowed to repeat characters... if so, I still don't think she should because it would kind of mess up the plot until now.

In answer to the repeating characters: I've gone through and outlined all 100 fics, and the only characters that repeat are Howland and his assistant from number 4. But that may change, you know...

Thanks to everyone for their reviews and critiques!

~GryphonFledgling