Young Writers Society

All reviews appreciated. I've wanted to do something like this for awhile - be as harsh as you want!

A quiet afternoon is one that, in its normality, can hold the most astonishing events; so as the most boring part in your book drags on, and it seems it might almost be as humdrum as your life, something truly heart-stopping decides to drop by.

It was so with Marie Harems.

She was curled up on the couch in her drab living room, trying to skim through long paragraphs of description of the most put-you-to-sleep origin. As it seemed not to be improving, she reached for the bookmark, sitting up and shaking her head to clear it of lethargy.

“Marie, honey, can we talk?”

Her Mom and Dad edged in, the latter brushing mousy brown hair from his clean-shaven face. Nodding warily, she scooted over to allow room for the two adults.

“Listen, I know this probably isn’t the best time, but—”

“Mom, if this is about… well…”

The blonde-haired woman shook her head, smiling apologetically.

“No, no. It’s… you.”

Marie sighed, sliding her boring book onto the glass coffee table, and taking a deep breath. Somehow, she sort of knew what her Mom was going to say.

“I guess I should just spit it out – see, you’re not… I’m not really… we can’t claim to be—”

Jeffrey, her seven-year-old brother, decided just then to barge in, smiling in what Marie was determined to identify as an inane way.

“Hey, hey, hey! Tyler’s goin’ outside to ride bikes with Tommy and Mitt. Can I go, Dad? Please – pretty, fantastic please?”

“Alright. Watch for cars – I don’t really feel hungry for Jeffcakes, but if you don’t look both ways…” He hinted, winking at his wife secretively.

“Aggh! No, don’t worry! I’ll look, I’ll look!”

And with that he dashed off again, shouting for his friends to wait up.

“Mom, before you start mumbling again – I think I get it. You’re saying I’m adopted.”

She felt proud for figuring it out, but her stomach plummeted away into deep water as they shook their heads.

“Actually, you’ve hit on a half-truth there, sweetie. See… you aren’t really – well, not all the way… the thing is, you’re not entirely… uhm, ‘hun?”

Thomas glanced at his wife for support, but Marie had finally got it.

“Not human.”

Wow! The end really takes the reader by surprise. I love the combination of vocabulary. Keep writing. It can get a little confusing in the middle what with all the speakers.

Is this a prologue to a story you're working on? Because if it's not, it needs to be. You should most definitely base a story on this.

It was very good in a prologue-y kind of way. I anticipated something completely different, so good job with the surprise factor.

"Mom, if this is about ...well"
The blonde-haired woman shook her head, smiling apologetically.

This is a little weird. What did she assume her mom was going to talk about?

Jeffrey, her seven-year-old brother, [s]decided just then to barge in[/s],decided to barge in just then, smiling in what Marie was determined to identify as an inane way.

just a rewording.

“Alright. Watch for cars – I don’t really feel hungry for Jeffcakes, but if you don’t look both ways…” He hinted, winking at his wife secretively.

I loved this. Jeffcakes, haha.

All in all, very good job. You should definitiely keep the element of surprise, because it's really going for you. Good luck with continuing this, if you should choose to do so.

Woo,
Carlee

Very good, Sela. Mostly because it was posted on Frodo's birthday--good luck and all that. No, not really.

Well written, really. Everything fit together nicely and previous reviewer caught the few MINOR mistakes.

If this is a short story, bent on humor and a few odd and funny events, it's a perfect beginning. But if it's meant to be longer, it needs to slow down. The surprise of finding out someone is 'not human' needs to be saved for when you know the character better.

I liked the dialogue and the little bit of development there was. It was believable and grabbing.

The only problem with it is me. Which means it's good--but for the rushing--and I just have preference at the moment. You know.

Keeping goin'. Quinn Lancaster might never grace the halls of YWS. I don't know if they deserve him.

'Lo dear Sela. ^_^


I somewhat disagree with Chernobyl here. In its form, it hits the note of faster paced fiction oft aimed at a younger audience. And the dialogue leads up perfectly to the "not human". Oy, it's really not expected. I think it might be the beginning of something longer, and still be as precipitous as it is--only you would have to slow down after the revelation. ^_^

And your writing keeps getting tighter and more deft, you know. ^_^


Anyhow, that's all for the moment. I have the luck to be bound by an English thesis, a paper on dear Socrates and the remainder of Romeo and Juliet to re-read. Er, it seems professors have a curious sense of when they're all assigning things. Invariably, everything's due at once. -_-








IMP

Babe...what the heck?

I think that would have been an interesting prologue.

"Not human?"

You should make her mother in the next chapter say "Ha! I was just kidding!" and then end it.

There is such a small amount to say, possibly because there is so little to review.