Young Writers Society

9/19/08

010 – Years

The humans would have you think that they created the Mutts. It is true that we were born in test tubes the humans held, but they did not make us. The Mutts were made by God and He sent us to the humans. The humans claim creation, but really all they can claim is surrogacy – being the carriers for the Mutts. But the Mutts are greater than the humans.

God created the humans first. They were a strong race and for a time, they were noble. But then they forgot about God and descended into corruption. God was saddened to see His creations turn away from Him, so He sent down messengers. One after another, the messengers were ignored and cast out: their cries to repent and turn to God gone unheard.

God grew angry with the humans’ persistent ignorance of Him. So He created a new race. However, He did not destroy the humans, for He still felt pity for His creations. So he gave them the task of birthing the Mutts in their laboratories. This way, the Mutts would come into being among the Mutts and perhaps could lead the humans back to God.

Instead, growing up among humans, the Mutts forgot about God. This angered Him and so He turned his back on the Mutts and the humans drove the Mutts away, fearing their beauty and jealous of it. And so the Mutts lived in exile until the day they remembered God and He answered their cries with a promise to save them.

A/N: Well, hello there! After a long hiatus necessitated by NaNoWriMo, I am back on track with Mutts! This was written over two months ago and is one of my least-favorite, but I can't very well skip one, now can I? As you can see, this is another telling of the history of the Mutts, by a Mutt. True? Maybe. Wishful thinking? Maybe. A little of both? Perhaps.

A really nice piece of writing. Here are a few minor tips:

GryphonFledgling wrote:The humans claim creation, but really all they can claim is surrogacy – being the carriers for the Mutts. But the Mutts are greater than the humans.

I don't really think that you need to define surrogacy. It detracts from the natural mood of the piece. Alternatively, I would edit that last bit from the dash onwards as follows: "being our carriers. But we Mutts are greater than the humans."

GryphonFledgling wrote:One after another, the messengers were ignored and cast out: their cries to repent and turn to God gone unheard.

Perhaps this ought to be "their cries to repent, and return to God had gone unheard."

GryphonFledgling wrote:However, He did not destroy the humans, for He still felt pity for His creations.

I think that this would read better as follows: "He did not, however destroy the humans..." Just my feeling.

GryphonFledgling wrote:So he gave them the task of birthing the Mutts in their laboratories. This way, the Mutts would come into being among the Mutts and perhaps could lead the humans back to God.

I think you mean "This way the Mutts would come into being among the humans, and could perhaps lead them back to god."

GryphonFledgling wrote: This angered Him and so He turned his back on the Mutts and the humans drove the Mutts away, fearing their beauty and jealous of it.

Perhaps this sentence would look better with the following minor corrections:
"This angered Him and so He turned his back on the Mutts and the humans drove them away, fearing and jealous of their beauty. "

Good Luck!

Overall

Okay, as you can see, I didn't find many grammar errors, just a couple awkward wordings. {I pointed out a couple of areas, but my computer erased them. Try and read through each sentence and make sure what you are trying to say is clear} I've read Mutts before (some of the stories), and for some reason, this one wasn't as good as your others. I think you really need to sit down and rewrite this piece. I really like the nearly mythical feel that you have to it, so I think you should expound upon it. It just felt too general and too rushed. Make the voice a bit more distinct, make the narrator a bit more specific than just a general tale. You definitley want to reflect what you said in your A/N about it maybe being true and maybe not being true. Give the readers more of a reason to doubt or accept this as truth for your world. So here are my hints:

1) Distinct voice: Really define who is speaking by characterizing its voice. Make it biased, make the readers want to doubt and accept it as the truth at the same time

2) Try to get a more fairytale/mythical feel of the telling of this piece of Mutt history.

3) Work on your awkward wording and try not to rush through it. It's a good idea, so try and make it really good!