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Stars, pt. 2



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Mon Nov 17, 2008 8:10 am
Jiggity says...



Sometimes it’s hard to credit what your own eyes are showing you. Even, as now, when I knew I was dreaming. There was a dragon; a real live, breathing dragon straight out of the minstrel’s stories. It defied belief, such was its scale. Brilliantly emerald, it shone in the black as it sailed effortlessly through the cosmos. A pale, flickering fire danced around its giant frame. One word came to me as I viewed it, noting distantly its striking beauty, and it was loaded with terror.
Drakul.
I couldn’t fathom what it meant and I hadn’t the time to think of it, as just then, I saw its target. A starship; I gaped with awe as I caught sight, for the first time, of the true size of these vessels. It was, I realised, modelled closely on the dragon; tapering tip, bulky and ridged body set between flaring wings. Despite that, it was a poor imitation and although massive, still dwarfed by the giant creature. I could feel a rising sense of urgency and fear as the Drakul winged its way closer to the seemingly unaware ship. As though my thought was alert enough, lights flared within the ship, a silver burst of light far too powerful to be anything mundane.
The Drakul dipped to the left, exposing its belly to the blast. It seemed almost playful as it spun back around to face the dozens of little pods that had detached from the ship. The pods danced and flitted about firing strange arrows – bullets, I was corrected – that had no obvious effect save to irritate the beast. It bit and struck at the annoying flies and for a moment, the struggle continued, eerie for its silence as it’s maw gaped wide. A torrent of flame spewed forth, incinerating everything before it. The last thing I saw was that dreadful, deadly inferno.

**

I woke, laden with sweat. My bed sheets were twisted around my limbs, snakes that deadened and ensnared. The air was thick and stifling. I brought a hand up to my eyes, almost expecting it to be a blackened crisp but relieved to see my usual doughy flesh, though an odd glimmer seemed to cling to it. I swept back my drenched hair, thinking on the dream. It had been too real for my liking, almost a premonition, but it had also felt different. I knew things in the dream, names of things previously unknown and had felt emotions I instinctively knew weren’t my own.
– Come to me.
I jolted, struck by the physical need in the command.
– Quickly!
I got up, expecting the heat and my own leaden limbs to be a product of the dream that would fade; only it got worse. As I stepped toward the door, the imperative instilled in me by the command still strong, I stumbled and fell, landing on something bulky and squishy. I looked down, feeling dizzy and ill. I had fallen into someone. Disbelieving, I lifted hands covered in melted human. Bile rose and flushed out of my mouth, making even more of a mess. I scrambled away, but strands of bloody flesh clung to me still. Odd keening sounds reverberated as I frantically tried to scrub my hands clean on damp sheets.
Finally, I stood clear, back to the wall, staring at the remains on my floor. I didn’t need to be told who it was. I could faintly make out pink and blue silks. But what had he been doing in my room? I was still whimpering; I clamped my lips shut, but they trembled still. I looked away, noticing for the first time that the walls were warped and twisted as though from a great heat. I couldn’t hide from this horror though I shut my eyes and prayed frantically.
– Come! Hurry!
I didn’t need to be told twice, a dread certainty filling my heart. I fled the room, running through the halls. My feet were light on the cold floors and I was surprised and not a little concerned at the emptiness of the ship. All I could hear was my own harsh panting as I sprinted toward Starlight’s room. It took far less time than usual, but still seemed an age before I was climbing those familiar steps. I knocked, sparing a distressed thought on my appearance; sweaty, hair undone, wet and lank, dressed only in a nightshift. The door flew open and I stared at an equally distraught Star. Gone was the poised, regal Lady; in her place was a pale, shaking girl.
– Enter.
I walked in, closing the door as I did so. Star was pacing, a forgotten hand sliding across her head in an eerily human gesture. It wasn’t easy to notice at first glance, but I thought I saw dark circles beneath her eyes.
“Mistress…,” I said and hesitated.
Her eyes flew to mine, pleading but what they asked for, I couldn’t give.
“What’s wrong?”
– How can you ask that, having seen what I did? You were there! Riding in my dreams, though I know not how. You, with your simple look and simple manner; how, how….

“That was you’re dream?” I gasped. On some level, I had known this all along but to have it confirmed was another matter entirely. “So that was real? The dragon, the ship…Is it happening to us?”
Distractedly, she waved a hand.
– Drakul, she corrected, don’t bastardize it with your tongue.
My question, she left unanswered. Desperation made me bold and so I asked again.
“Was that our ship you dreamt of?”
I could still feel the raging heat of that inferno coursing through me as my heart beat to the pace of a thousand marching drums. She was silent for a long moment. When she finally spoke, I had to strain to hear the words, so softly did they fall into my mind.
– No. It was my…she seemed to grope for a word, trying to convey her meaning. It was my sister’s.
My knees sagged with a relief I couldn’t hide. “Oh. I’m so sorry for you’re loss.” She was keening now, blue tears spilling down her face. I could feel her pain as though it were my own, seeping into me as liquid unto a cloth. The void within her was vast, of far greater depth then I would have thought possible. Her barriers were crumpling, allowing me an insight greater than ever before. Each of these people – the V’ra, they called themselves – were connected from birth in thought and feeling, until such a time known as the Sundering. It marked the difference between child and adult and from that point forth any connection you made was of an intimate nature; in such ways were families created, even unto finding and bonding with new parents. It was easy to see this information, the bedrock on which all else was built but everything else was clouded with pain and sorrow. One word I was able to make out.
Illari.
I tried to probe toward it, but she retreated and I could feel her gently disentangling herself from me. Star wiped her eyes, sniffing. Her eyes were pools of pain and I couldn’t bear to hold their gaze.
– My sister is dead…Of the Illari, only I remain. And soon, even I will be dead. Such is the way of things – we reap what we sow.
With those words, I felt fear rise anew. “You mean to say –“
– Aye, even now the Drakul comes for us. Nor shall it be alone, this time. And I have failed, before the battle is even begun.
I didn’t know what to do, couldn’t deal with loss of this magnitude. More, I didn’t know how to react to the sudden flood of emotions and laxity of thought. One thing I knew for sure: I didn’t want to die.
“Why is it trying to kill you? What could drive it and its kind to the destruction of an entire people?” I asked, bewildered. Once more her eyes sought mine and this time I held them.
– We defied them. Defied the gods themselves. And now we suffer.
Starlight reached out to me, too weary for words and truly let loose the floodgates. I saw the beautiful, delicate towers and spires of glass rising into the sky; cities of unimaginable wonder and size, and above them the sky writhed with Drakul. There was never any true night, the fireworks of their play and the rapturous gleam of their scales kept the darkness at bay. Until such a time as the people grew restless, thought themselves better than those above and ceased to watch, wonder and pay homage to them. Twin sisters rose to power, using a balance of technology and the elements themselves, they struck with stealth. Moon and Star became the Illari, those destined to lead the V’ra into a new age of enlightenment.
So it was, but the destiny that awaited was far different than that imagined. The Drakul, repulsed by the initial surprise attack, struck back and the devastation was horrific to witness; whole cities were razed to the ground and the sky was lit with a different kind of flame. I reared back, assaulted by the images, the fear, sorrow and regret.
“It’s too much, stop, please,” I whispered. I opened blurry eyes and saw Starlight staring at me with wonder. I felt flushed, the heat from earlier returning with vengeance to pound through me once more. I was beset by tidal forces of emotion but this was not why Star glanced at me thus. Quite simply, I was glowing.
Last edited by Jiggity on Thu Dec 18, 2008 2:47 am, edited 2 times in total.
Mah name is jiggleh. And I like to jiggle.

"Indecision and terror, thy name is novel." - Chiko





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Mon Nov 17, 2008 3:44 pm
Angel of Death says...



Hey Jig! Thanks for the heads up!

Again, I have no complaints. Your imagery is beyond entertaining and extremely beautiful. This whole world is so wonderous, and yes, I can imagine this being a video game for some reason. It just has that whole quality. I wasn't expecting your MC to glow at the end, so please please post more.

As always,

~Angel
True love, in all it’s celestial charm, and
star-crossed ways, only exist in a writer’s
mind, for humans have not yet learned
how to manifest it.





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Tue Nov 18, 2008 7:30 am
Jiggity says...



Ah! Will I never escape the video game stigma? Hopefully, considering this is the first time its ever been applied to me, so I should have time, haha.

Only got one part left of this, so I'm glad you liked it Angel, and thanks for commenting.

I could have made it so much longer but I'm writing it for an Anthology, and there's a word limit involved, so...

I will keep you posted.

Cheers
Mah name is jiggleh. And I like to jiggle.

"Indecision and terror, thy name is novel." - Chiko





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Wed Nov 19, 2008 2:34 am
Kylan says...



Jiggity -

This is really cool. As I said in my previous critique, this entire premise would turn to slop in anybody eles's hands and it makes the story all the more impressive that you're able to take something as childish and cliche as starships and dragons and women named Lady Starlight and produce this kind of genius. I'm loving it. I especially enjoyed the passage which took place in the cafeteria where Starlight spoke through your main character.

[me speak Klingon]

Watch out for the made up words and don't let them get out of hand. You can throw one or two in there - and you have been tasteful with them so far - but don't go all Tolkein on us and create a new language. That's just too much.

[three's a crowd]

The only thing I didn't like about this piece was how you executed the cafeteria scene where you have this atmosphere of controlled chaos. I can't finger it in particular, but something about this scene just feels amateur. It feels contrived and unrealistic. Maybe because you had the entire cafeteria involved rather than five or six people, you made it seem like some kind of perverted musical. You know, where everyone kind of leaps up from their spot and starts dancing and singing and everything is innocent and colorful and everyone cares about what the main characters have to say. The more people you're dealing with in a scene, the harder it becomes to manage. Keep it small. Just between Ember, the old guy, and your main character maybe.

[the faithful cook]

I winced when you mentioned this cook character. It seems that every story that has a ship of some kind involved is narrated by a cabin boy (or chambermaid in your case) whose best friend is the ship's cook. Take Treasure Island by Robert Louis Stevenson as a prime example. Long John Silver, the main character's friend and confidant, is the cook. Cook characters are lame and cliche.

[misc]

grizzled man


Ew. Grizzled is so overused, and I think this single word (in part) contributed to my immaturity of the cafeteria scene. Find a more creative and stimulating word.

heavy locks


Just say hair. Please.

Illuminari


Ever read Angels and Demons by Dan Brown? If so, then you've heard of the Illuminati, which was actually a real society in early rennaisance times. Consider finding a new name.

Good work.

-Kylan
"I am beginning to despair
and can see only two choices:
either go crazy or turn holy."

- Serenade, Adélia Prado





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Wed Nov 19, 2008 4:15 am
Jiggity says...



It was? Well, there you go. I try to stay away from Dan Brown, so no I haven't read his books. XD

At least it wasn't completely stolen, haha, there is a one letter difference. But it did sound familiar to me...Herm, I shall indeed have to revise.

I think you're spot on about the cafeteria scene. I didn't mean to make it seem like a perverted musical, haha, just wanted a stray comment or two...I shall revise.

Thanks for the comments, I'm glad you liked it.

Cheers.
Mah name is jiggleh. And I like to jiggle.

"Indecision and terror, thy name is novel." - Chiko





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Wed Nov 19, 2008 11:23 pm
LowKey says...



Loved it, Jabbs. On the cafeteria scene, it;s fine as is, but these guys are slaves, right? And they've been kidnapped. They find out they're being pursued by something/one, and then become very loud about rebelling and escaping. It just felt a bit odd at first. You'd think they'd be a bit less blunt and loud about it. After all, don't want to tip the masters off that something might be going on with the slaves. Don't want them to put their guard up. I think the lines are fine, and the scene is great how and where it is, but perhaps add some explanation as to why they're so confident that it's safe to broach the subject and speak openly about it.

Melted human. Yuck, that was gross, but good. Gotta love the imagery. Pretty awesome Jabber. Post 3 soon, aye?
Necropolis SB / Necropolis DT

Once was Dreamer, is now LowKey_Lyesmith.

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Thu Nov 20, 2008 11:18 am
Jiggity says...



I shall try.

Thanks very much for continuing with this,

Cheers
Mah name is jiggleh. And I like to jiggle.

"Indecision and terror, thy name is novel." - Chiko





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Fri Nov 21, 2008 9:51 pm
Sureal says...



And it's me again:


Before I could even begin to eat, the ship began to shake and roar. Plates and spoons began to rattle and clank, creating a momentarily deafening cacophony.


Unintended repetition leads to redundancy. Redundancy leads to weakened prose. Weakened prose leads to the Dark Side of the Force.


I couldn’t fathom what it meant and I hadn’t the time to think of it as just then, I saw its target.


I tripped over this sentence, and had to go back and re-read it. I think your comma placement might be a little off. Maybe something more like:

I couldn’t fathom what it meant and I hadn’t the time to think of it as, just then, I saw its target.


“That was you’re dream?” I gasped.


You’re = your.

---------

Dragons in space? Nifty.
I wrote the above just for you.





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Sat Nov 22, 2008 1:56 am
Jiggity says...



Haha, nifty indeed.

Thanks for the comment!
Mah name is jiggleh. And I like to jiggle.

"Indecision and terror, thy name is novel." - Chiko





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Sat May 09, 2009 2:14 am
Sachiko says...



Locked by author's request.
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