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Young Writers Society


A New Hop in Clyss



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Sat Nov 14, 2009 7:04 am
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Jenthura says...



The squad shot out from the launching bay and circled slowly around the globe-shaped cruiser. The void was blacker than Terik had ever known it to be. Even the closest stars weren’t shining as brightly as they should have been.

Maybe a dust nebula, Terik thought. We should–

A sudden explosion ripped out from the metallic hull of the Maroon, spewing a fireball and debris into space. The light was so bright that Terik’s windshield barely had time to darken against the sudden intrusion of radiance.

“Evasive action!” Terik shouted into his mouthpiece.

The fleet veered away from the Maroon at Terik’s order, but he didn’t feel safe until a glance backwards confirmed his fears: in the port side of the Maroon was a hole the size of a small city. The edges of the hole were blackened, twisted metal; fragments and wreckage floated around in space.

Just as quickly as it came, the fireball left, imploding on its own energy and disappearing.

“What in Faulk was that, cap’n?” Jason shouted over the intercom.

“You think I know?” Terik returned, turning his craft and moving closer for a better look. “Let’s report back to Jix before something else happens.”

As the fleet passed the immense hole, Terik thought he saw a flash of purple in the epicenter of the blast. It was a bright flash that lasted only a second, but it was enough for his sharp eyes.

“Team, I want to get a better look at this thing,” Terik explained, switching on his back thrusters and slowly coming nearer to the hole. “Guard my back.”

Terik brought his Sky-scraper as close as he dared to the hole and then exited his ship, buckling his safety line as he did. The damage seemed so much more real when he was in the thick of it, touching burned hull and watching molten puddles of metal float off into space. Everywhere he saw signs of some strange purple liquid, bubbling –it seemed– from thin air…or space.

Finally he reached the very middle of the all the chaos and gasped. Furry white shapes danced around a glowing green orb and cast strange, flickering shadows across the blastshield of Terik’s helmet. His knees buckled with a mixed feeling of fear and weariness. His eyelids, normal only moments ago, seemed heavy beyond comparison. Terik’s sight blurred and he let himself drop to the ground, still watching the white creatures through half-closed eyes.

Right before he gave way completely, the green orb erupted into a flash of bright purple light and put out green insect-like legs. Terik passed out.



“Wake up, Terik,” it was Jix’s voice and hands that shook Terik from his state of unconsciousness. “Where the Faulk did you go?”

Slowly the marine commander came to, rubbing his head and groaning in pain. Jix waited until he propped himself up, half-sitting, in the bed, then she spoke again.

“Your squad found you unconscious in the second crater, Terik,” Jix said, her voice was firm and dangerous. “What happened?”

Terik squinted his eyes in the bright light and focused on Jix’s face. She was seated on the side of his bed, looking back at him with a serious light in her eyes.

“I…I went into the crater…to look for…anything, something,” Terik stuttered and mumbled over his words, slurring them often. “And…” would she believe him? “There were aliens there, white and green ones.”
“Kruics?” Jix asked, referring to the harmless, pale green butterflies that populated small asteroids in the Fisson Belt. “They can’t survive in spa–”

“No, something I’ve never seen before, like ghosts almost…” Terik sighed and rubbed his aching temples. “And there was a glowing green ball on the ground.”

Jix looked at him for longer than was comfortable, and then stood, brushing off her uniform as she did. There wasn’t a speck of dust or dirt in the filtered air of the Maroon; it was just a habit of hers when she didn’t believe a story.

Terik lay back in his bed with his throbbing headache and tried to sleep, tried to forget what had happened. No luck.

“Sir, we didn’t see anything,” it was Sandy. “There was just normal debris and ruined hull around that area, no aliens, sir.”

“I know I saw something.” Terik murmured.

“Sir, you could have been hallucin–”

“For Faulk’s sake Sandy!” Terik shouted, opened his eyes wide and shooting out of the bed. “I’m not insane!”

The female spacer sucked in her lips and remained silent; it was Rollock that spoke up next.

“There was an unusually high amount of radiation, though,” he suggested. “But it might have been whatever hit us.”

“We still have that to look up,” Norman put in. “What do you think it was?”

Terik noticed for the first time that his entire squad, Jix and a medic were all crammed into the tight space that made up one of the ship’s numerous infirmaries. In disgust (he’d never been in an infirmary or hospital without feeling weak) Terik threw back the covers and leapt form the bed.

“You’re sure you’ll be okay?” the medic asked, looking at him with a worried look in her eye.

“I’m fine,” Terik replied, trying not to stagger from the blood rush to his head. “I’ll be okay.”

Five minutes later, Terik’s squad stood once more in the launching bay. This time, Jix was with them.

“No more mistakes,” she demanded, climbing into her personal Sky-scraper. “Let’s do this mission my way.”

Terik complied and joined the rest of the squad in his own ship, obeying Jix’s orders like the minor officer he was: as a strong-willed free Seljikan, it was hard for him. The flight went as smooth as a mission to inspect alien or asteroid damage could have gone. Jix checked both craters, took samples, did short walks with a buddy on the surface of the hull and mapped out the sections that were completely destroyed. They found no human remains or aliens, but Terik wasn’t too sure that meant aliens could be ruled out completely.

After the perfectly executed landing, Jason had said something about a girl he needed to find and Rollock looked like he’d want to work on his command vehicle. Sandy offered to stay with him and Brock left to the squad gym, leaving Norman with Terik and Jix.

“I…I have some work to do,” Norman stuttered. “Just call me if you need me.”

Jix watched the boy leave and turned to Terik with an unreadable expression on her face.

“That kid’s on a one-way trip to Faulk,” Terik grumbled, stuffing his hands deep into his uniform pockets. “And I’d say let him be.”

“Terik, don’t take this personally,” Jix was at his side: he hadn’t even heard her. “Back on Seljik was one thing, but this is a serious mission here. The colonists need more than a Seljikan at the helm: they need someone responsible.”

“That makes it sound like the whole crater’s my fault.”

“That’s not what I’m saying, Terik, you need to see that though we go way back, I can’t treat you better than…than Brock, for instance.”

“What does Brock have to do with this?”

“You’re my good friend, Terik, but I can’t treat you any better than the rest: to them, I have to deal with you like the marine commander you are.”

“That still doesn’t explain why you mentioned Brock.”

Jix sighed and put her hands on her hips.

“I have to talk to the passengers,” she said, walking off towards the elevator. “I’ll address this later, Terik.”

Terik stood alone in the launching bay for a few minutes, cursing everything under the stars, but eventually his headache returned and he headed off towards his bed.

“What was that about?” Rollock asked Sandy.

They’d been standing behind the command vehicle, talking quietly. Jix and Terik forgot they were around, and the two spacers weren’t about to announce their presence once the talk got underway.

“Jix and Terik have known each other since Faulk knows when,” Sandy explained, she was clearly the smarter of the two. “Terik expects to be treated with respect, since he’s older than her, but Jix –as captain– has to put him in his place every once in a while, you understand? It’s Terik’s, egotistic, Seljikan personality that makes up most of the problem.”

“I wouldn’t look at it that way.” Rollock countered.

“That’s because you’re a man,” Sandy sighed, dropping her toolbox into the engine compartment of the command vehicle. “I need a drink.”

“I’m for that,” Rollock said, following suit. “Brock’s probably drunk by now: it’ll make a card game that much easier.”

“That hulk? He was nursed on alcohol!”

Their voices faded off as they boarded an elevator and zoomed off, but the echoes remained in the launching bay. Slowly, the third eves-dropper stretched his legs and dropped out of the ventilation system of the command vehicle.



Attention all passengers, this is Captain Jix Conan speaking. Three hours ago an unidentified object collided with the Maroon’s starboard side. Half and hour later another collision occurred on the port side. Casualties number into the high millions, but are yet unknown. If any of your relatives or friends are mission, please report it to a Maroon officer or passenger staff.

We apologize for any inconveniences or grievances this accident has caused. We hope to fully compensate the lives lost to remaining family members. We understand that this is a crippling blow to the colony, but a million lives in the face of three billion is not a great enough loss to turn the Maroon off course.

Jix Conan out.


As Jix turned away from the speaker and heard her message repeated in three different languages, nobody could’ve missed the tears brimming over her eyelids.
-ж-Ж-ж-
  





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Sat Nov 14, 2009 8:50 am
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Calmal says...



You have made a couple of spelling mistakes towards the end of this piece:
Half and hour later

should be
Half an hour later

and
relatives or friends are mission

should in fact be
relatives or friends are missing

The reason the spell checker did not notice this is because "mission" and "and" are real words and the spell checker does not check grammar unlike a spell checker in a Microsoft program. This makes it even more important that you proof read your passages to ensure it is all correct.
Apart from that this is a great start and I can see great promise in this storyline. You have clearly considered your characters thoughts, feelings and behaviour which are essential for your readers to understand the characters.
Calmal
  





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Sun Nov 22, 2009 9:07 am
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Conrad Rice says...



Hi there, Jenthura. I'm Conrad.

So, I didn't get too far in this and already I'm apprehensive. Why? One sentence did it for me.

“What in Faulk was that, cap’n?” Jason shouted over the intercom.


Using alternate swears is a double-edged sword in speculative fiction. On one hand, it allows people to know that this is indeed a different world than the one they are used to. On the other, it can run the risk of sounding comical and having no purpose but to let people know that this is indeed a different world than they are used to. You're getting dangerously close to that last one. You use "Faulk" for every time you need a short expletive. My advice, either tone it down or figure out a way to explain to us why these people say "Faulk" instead of something else.

In other issues, this narrative really doesn't make much sense. To me, it seems like the marine goes into the crater, sees the strange thing, and then nothing really happens. There's no kind of resolution, it just mentions the public announcement. The people hurt and killed in the incident haven't really been mentioned until now, so this seems rather jarring. I would advise you to do some extensive editing to produce a cohesive narrative out of all of this.

There is some potential here. You just need to thinker with this story and bring it out. PM me if you have any questions or comments.

Good job, and good luck.

-Conrad Rice
Garrus Vakarian is my homeboy.
  








Uh, Lisa, the whole reason we have elected officials is so we don't have to think all the time. Just like that rainforest scare a few years back: our officials saw there was a problem and they fixed it, didn't they?
— Homer Simpson