Young Writers Society

Somewhere not too far off Andrew could hear firecracker like machine gun fire coming from the helicopters. Stacey cupped her hands over her ears. Daniel pulled into a street that had a limited amount of trees giving a clear view of the helicopters up in the sky. The terrifying swishing of rotor blades buzzed behind the truck like hornets. More helicopters were coming! "Look it's our militia!" Andrew exclaimed ecstatically. National Guard helicopters swooped over head. They were deadly war machines, yet he welcomed their presence which gave him a feeling of hope. They were like four guardian angels on a mission to rid the town of the flying menace.
One of the helicopters turned on its side with grace. A rocket erupted from the right side and streaked toward an enemy chopper. It scored a direct hit on the enemy helicopters tail rotor. The explosion was massive, the rocket had to have been fired by an RPG-8. The chopper spiraled out of control spinning wildly, blackening the sky with coils of smoke streaming from its destroyed rotor. It spun sharply to the left and crashed into another chopper. Both choppers were crashing to the ground at angles as the pilots tried in vain to regain control.
They lost visual of the falling helicopters when they disappeared below tree level. The crash of metal confirmed the kill. Andrew and Daniel erupted into cheers. Daniel stopped his truck in the road. Stacey and Andrew didn't complain. He watched the intense bird fight unfold. Soldiers from two other helicopters fired rocket propelled grenades at the enemy. The enemy choppers maneuvered out of the way dodging the rockets. The helicopter models of the past wouldn't have had that maneuverability.
Almost half of the foreign choppers spun and faced the National Guard forces, and opened fire. Tiny streaks of lights streaked out of their guns. They stared open mouthed as three of the Nation Guard helicopters instantly fell from the sky spurting smoke and flame.
The pilot on the fourth chopper tried to stay air borne. The helicopter was spinning down to where the truck was idling. Sections of its skids had been torn apart by bullets and were now bending away from the bottom of the chopper. The wind from the main rotor shook the trees. Leafs were torn off their branches and swirled around by the wind. "Back up, back up!" Andrew screamed.
Daniel put the truck in reverse and bashed on the gas. Metal screeched as the helicopter crashed on the road. Its damaged skids were instantly flattened. The truck sped backward as the helicopter continued to slide forward its propeller still spinning. Sparks bounced from the ground as the metal grinded with the asphalt. At any moment it could tip on it's side and slice and dice through the trucks hood blowing them all up. Daniel turned the wheel sharply and backed up into a drive way. They saw the soldiers inside hanging on to hand rails for dear life as the helicopter slid on.
The helicopter spun sideways its tail rotor slicing a mailbox into splinters. They watched in horror as the helicopter veered to the side its propellers whining and bending as they tore into a transformers wooden pole. The top half of the transformer crashed atop of a car caving its roof in and shattering the windows.
The electrical wires attached to the transformer snapped. Sparks flashed from the torn wires as they fell on the grass and concrete. The barks of dogs echoed around them. The other helicopters had crashed out of sight. Stacey had a fluttering hand over her beating heart.
Could the sparking wires cause a fire on the grass?
Daniel and Stacey looked beyond the realm of words. Him and Stacey were shaking like featherless penguins. The enemy choppers hovered away finding into the grayness of the sky.
Andrew didn't know any of the pilots and crew of the tragic militia effort to fight back. All he knew was that they were heroes. Faceless heroes, but that makes them no less special than if they were his best friends or brothers. But, maybe they were some of his dad’s friends. He was often in contact with the militia around town. Four militia choppers had fallen, that still left all the ground forces, he hoped.
Daniel brushed aside his seat belt and got out of the truck. "Y-you and Stacey s-stay here, I'm going to go and check o-on the soldiers," he said before running to the crashed helicopter.
"Be careful," Stacey said.
"He'll be alright," Andrew said, trying to reassure her. He wasn't sure, because he knew that the downed helicopter could blow up at any moment.

Ok my first time doing this so I would get someone else to check it too. Corrections are in bold, and notes are in italics. I am not good with punctuation so I would DEFINATLY get someone to check it over, because I will have properly done something wrong.

Somewhere not too far off Andrew, could hear firecracker like machine gun fire coming from the helicopters. Stacey, cupped her hands over her ears. Daniel, pulled into a street, that had a limited amount of trees giving a clear view of the helicopters up in the sky. The terrifying swishing of rotor blades buzzed behind the truck like hornets. More helicopters were coming!

"Look it's our militia!" Andrew exclaimed, ecstatically. (New line when someone speaks, unless it is the same person speaking again) National Guard helicopters swooped over head. They were deadly war machines, yet he welcomed their presence which gave him a feeling of hope. They were like four guardian angels on a mission to rid the town of the flying menace.

One of the helicopters turned on its side with grace. A rocket erupted from the right side, it streaked toward an enemy chopper and scored a direct hit on the tail rotor. (You already told us the helicopter that was being shot at and that it was hostile, so no need to say things like that, Also it flows better with a comma) The explosion was massive, the rocket had to have been fired by an RPG-8. The chopper spiralled out of control spinning wildly, blackening the sky with coils of smoke streaming from its destroyed rotor. It spun sharply to the left, then crashed into another chopper. Both choppers were crashing to the ground at angles as the pilots tried in vain to regain control.

They lost visual of the falling helicopters when they disappeared below tree level. The crash of metal confirmed the kill. Andrew, and Daniel, erupted into cheers. Daniel, stopped his truck in the road. Stacey, and Andrew, didn't complain. Andrew (I think it would sound better if you put "Andrew" here) watched the intense bird fight unfold. Soldiers from two other helicopters fired rocket propelled grenades at the enemy. The enemy choppers manoeuvred out of the way dodging the rockets. The helicopter models of the past wouldn't have had that manoeuvrability.

Almost half of the foreign choppers spun, faced the National Guard forces, and opened fire. Tiny streaks of lights streaked out of their guns. We(If you are talking about Andrew, and Stacy, here it would be clearer if you put we) stared open mouthed as three of the Nation Guard helicopters instantly fell from the sky spurting smoke and flame.

The pilot on the fourth chopper tried to stay airborne, The helicopter was spinning down to where the truck was idling. Sections of its skids had been torn apart by bullets, and were now bending away from the bottom of the chopper. The wind from the main rotor shook the trees; (Might be better with semi-colon but I don't know) Leafs were torn off their branches and swirled around by the wind.

"Back up, back up!" Andrew screamed. (Again new line)

Daniel put the truck in reverse, and bashed on the gas. Metal screeched as the helicopter crashed on the road. Its damaged skis (I think Skis are the proper name and Skids means Skid or slides, things like that) were instantly flattened. The truck sped backward as the helicopter continued to slide forward its propeller still spinning. Sparks bounced from the ground as the metal grinded with the asphalt. At any moment it could tip on it's side and slice and dice through the trucks hood, and blow them all up. Daniel turned the wheel sharply, and backed up into a drive way. They saw the soldiers inside hanging on to hand rails for dear life, as the helicopter slid on.

The helicopter spun sideways, its tail rotor slicing a mailbox into splinters. They watched in horror as the helicopter veered to the side its propellers whining and bending as they tore into a transformers wooden pole. The top half of the transformer crashed atop of a car caving its roof in, and shattering the windows.

The electrical wires attached to the transformer snapped. Sparks flashed from the torn wires as they fell on the grass and concrete. The barks of dogs echoed around them. The other helicopters had crashed out of sight. Stacey, had a fluttering hand over her beating heart.

Could the sparking wires cause a fire on the grass? (This is perfectly ok, but I would have put something like: "Could the sparking wires set the grass alight?")

Daniel, and Stacey, looked beyond the realm of words. Him and Stacey, were shaking, like featherless penguins. The enemy choppers hovered away finding into the greyness of the sky.

Andrew, didn't know any of the pilots (Aren't the pilots usually the only crew of helicopters?) of the tragic militia effort to fight back. All he knew was that they were heroes, faceless heroes; That made them no less special than if they were his best friends, or brothers. But, maybe they were some of his dad’s friends. He was often in contact with the militia around town. Four militia choppers had fallen, that still left all the ground forces, he hoped.

Daniel, brushed aside his seat belt and got out of the truck.

"Y-you and Stacey s-stay here, I'm going to go and check o-on the soldiers," he said, before running to the crashed helicopter.

"Be careful," Stacey said.

"He'll be alright," Andrew said, to reassure her. (Sounds better) He wasn't sure, because he knew that the downed helicopter could blow up at any moment.

All in all I would say it was an interesting read. I would improve on these points:

1 Describe the helicopters.
2 If you can say what type of helicopters they were E.G. Cobra, Apache, Pave Low (This one is unlikely, because I don’t think it has the “hard-points” for missile tubes, and they are huge), Hind and so on.

Yo,
this piece is a nice impressionist painting of a chopper battle. It's fun to start reading and suddenly appear to be in the midst of flying rockets and swirling rotors.
As a so called 'hook', this is a good first chapter, or an introduction. It certainly is not a self-contained story. Hopefully, you will continue elaborating, so that we get to know who the protagonists are, who the enemy is, and is the war, or at least this battle, being faught out in chopper dog-fights.
The concept is striking, admittedly. A WWI sort of areal battle, but not between bi-planes but choppers. In a way, the same graduation as in the 1930's King Kong to the 1970's King Kong. From bi-planes to choppers. Cool!
Well - waiting for the continuation. Unless this was a one-off style test of course, if it was - consider it passed with a B+

Thank you.


-And as you know this is part of my book, which has been axed in half because of it's overwhelming length. It was already longer than the third Harry Potter book!