Young Writers Society

This is all my Red Pen of Death has allowed me to post, so here it is. Enjoy and critique:

The cabin of the groundcar was not a comfortable place to be. The tension between Lisa and her Momma was suffocating, so much so that neither of the two could find the strength to speak their mind. It was only when the purring of the engine was cut that Momma broke the silence.
“I cannot believe that you would be with Ella! Of all people, Lisa! Her mothers have no dignity and the same with her!”
“Momma,” Lisa objected, “You do not know Ella like I do! She has as much dignity as any other human being.” The effort to remain civil with her parent turned Lisa’s face red.
“Yes. I know her better. She is a bad influence, Lisa. I’ve seen her family do terrible things.”
“Really now?” was all Lisa could manage. The audacity of Momma’s blame was reaching a new level this night, and on the sorest of subjects.
“Have you ever heard of cocaine? No? Well your Ella has, believe me.”
“What is…cocaine?”
“It is an old, bad thing, Lisa; something that should have died long ago.” No longer wanting to talk on the subject of things old, Momma stepped out into drizzling rain. Lisa delayed for a moment before following.
Walking in the doorway of the condominium, Momma pursed her red lips. The evening chill reflected her mood all too well. The skies above were gray, vomiting their wrath onto the world below. The rain plinked off of the tin roof of the old building, forming a cacophonous soundtrack to the day. A day that was only starting.
“I hope you’re ready to explain this to your Mommy?” It was no question, but rather a curt statement. “She won’t be pleased by this, either.”
As Lisa stepped onto the dull carpet of the hallway, she knew that Momma spoke the truth. Mommy was the better tempered of her two parents, but Lisa knew that she was going to be treated to another sermon on obedience and honor. All throughout her life, Lisa had caused Momma and Mommy much stress. Stress and pain, she was told, primarily by Momma.
Lisa put her wet jacket in the drier and went to confront Mommy. She was in the living room, reading one of her novels. It was one of the old ones, almost as old as History was. Soft brown hair fell to touch the luminescent screen as Mommy read, so happy and absorbed in a world far away from here. She seemed to glow, radiating with her abundance of life, as Mommy was pregnant. After all waiting and paperwork, the Family Branch had fulfilled Momma and Mommy's request for a Seed, and the whole family was in anticipation of its new member.
It was from Mommy that Lisa learned how to dream; how to yearn for something more than what reality can provide and Lisa loved her for it. Did Lisa want to interrupt her bliss for another tale on how she had shamed the family? Of course not, but Lisa had to.
“Mommy?”
The face of Mommy, before serene, was now full of concern. She could tell when Lisa was troubled, and the quavering voice Lisa had now was an ultimate sign of inner turmoil.
“What is it, Lisa?”
Staring back into those green eyes, Lisa felt a lump form in her throat. “I…oh, Mommy, I’ve shamed us again.”
Immediately Mommy’s posture changed. She went from leaning close to Lisa with her eyes and ear open to sitting back, mouth turned down in a tight frown. The unspoken question was all too clear: What did you do?
Licking her lips, Lisa looked for an adequate answer. Before she could say anything, however, Momma did the job for her.
“You know of Lisa’s friend, Ella?”
The suddenness of the interruption startled Lisa into saying, “I was with Ella today, Mommy.”
A silent look was traded between Momma and Mommy, and Mommy whispered, “Her again?”
“Yes her again!” Lisa objected. “Ella is a good person, and I don’t care what her family does!” The unbridled emotion in Lisa’s chest caused her tongue to slip, mispronouncing her words. It was a slip she had not made in years.
None of the three seemed to know what to do, much less what to say. Finally, as Mommy seemed to be ready to say something, Momma gave her automatic response: “Go to your room.”
Lisa was happy to oblige.

I have to say, I really did like this piece. (:

It has a great voice to it, and the dialogue is not static at all. I was very impressed to be frank. There is a couple things I want to point out though for future writing.

I was kind of confused about the circumstance of Lisa and her life. There was too little details for it to easily be pieced together. Though with that, too much details would make it seem awkward and not flow very well. I recommend you adding a few necessary details in there to clear things up. The first thing that kind of confused me was the fact of the two Moms. I understand that can happen but the names were so similar and how you introduced them kind of made me think it was the same person but being called something different. My suggestion for that is find a way to clarify that a bit better or even changing the names to something similar but to make it more obvious like "Momma Kate' or something.

The other circumstance of confusion with Lisa's age. I imagined her probably around eleven to thirteen, around there. But it was tricky to figure out because the limited knowledge displayed that she was young, but sometimes made me think she was really young. Maybe clarify it a bit more like using dialogue while Momma and Lisa talk to each other. And that kind of draws me into another thing that is slightly related;

After all waiting and paperwork, the Family Branch had fulfilled Momma and Mommy's request for a Seed, and the whole family was in anticipation of its new member.

This rattled me because it instantly made me think that it was more over a science fiction or fantasy all of a sudden and it kind of made me a bit confused. Then I started thinking that maybe it was because Lily was young and the Seed might have been like artificial conception or something. I am still not very sure what you mean by this. I assumed it was talking about artificial conception because this is General Fiction after all, but you can never be sure. I like how this is described to simply in such simple terms, and I found it kind of cute, but I suggest possibly finding a way to clarify it a bit more. And that brings me to another thing!

Your choice in vocabulary was a bit troubling for me. Especially with this;

The rain plinked off of the tin roof of the old building, forming a cacophonous soundtrack to the day.

Well, its good for you to have such a diverse vocabulary, but in this circumstance, I believe you should dumb it down a bit. You wrote this story in third person, but really focused on Lisa's perspective. If Lisa is unable to figure out artificial conception and dumbs that down a bit, I dont think she would use the word 'cacophonous' that often. When writing, you have to make sure your vocabulary matches the kind of feeling you are going for. This story made me almost think of a simplistic theme, so the larger words kind of took away from that.

There was also this which is an easy fix;

“I hope you’re ready to explain this to your Mommy?” It was no question, but rather a curt statement. “She won’t be pleased by this, either.”

Basically what you did before this was have a description of the weather and basically I thought this might have been Lisa talking because there wasnt anything related to Momma beforehand, but then it became apparent that it was indeed Momma speaking. Just make sure it is known by the reader after a paragraph of thought or description that if you have dialogue, the talker is known. Just to prevent confusion.

Lastly, I believe you should get a little bit more descriptions in because I am kind of unsure what any of them look like or their approximate ages. I only got a bit of an impression of Mommy. You probably know why this is vital so I wont lecture you on it, but I believe you should try to get in a few details here of there of their appearances. Don't infodump then. Its not fun then. (:

Overall, I really liked this piece. I hope to see more of your work about. If you have any questions, PM me.
~Incognito

I really should have put this under Science Fiction, upon reflection. The Seed is indeed artificial insemination, but that is not at all the reason. There's a fundamental point that this story is going for that makes it sci-fy material, and that'll be revealed as time goes on.

Ah, okay. You can keep this here for now, or if you want to, you can ask a Mod to move it for you. It sounds like a great concept. I would love to read more. If you post any more, mind telling me?

Hi.

I really liked this story. But I didn't get much for the surroundings. Where are they?

Whats a "ground car." I'm sure you all get it here but for me, I need more explanation.

I agree with Incognito, it's very good to have a sound and extensive vocabulary, but that doesn't mean you have a license to find the most confusing word that I have never heard of and put it in a story.

"Cacophonous." (Quickly presses new tab, and searches google)

"Having a harsh or discordant sound." Hmm, indeed.

You could tone that down, I wouldn't kill you for it. And it won't break my concentration. It's the story I'm after not one big word. But hey, I'm whinging now. So I'll stop.

Good job on this. Keep Writing!

~ T.K

Hi there! Ever since I first saw this (^_~) I've been telling myself I should review it, but I haven't gotten a chance to do so until today. I hope you don't mind the tardiness!

I'm not going to do any nit-picks because they're very tedious beasts and I don't think this piece really needs any kind of grammatical makeover, so they'd be fairly pointless. Instead, I'm going to just talk about the piece from a more overall perspective.

All in all, I am intrigued by this. I'm mainly intrigued by the world you've set up--I can tell that what I'm seeing of this world is a minuscule piece of the whole world that you've set up. I can tell that your ideas for the world are much bigger than the little bits that you allow to leak into this story, and that makes the world seem very real. There are things--like groundcars, for example--that are merely mentioned in passing, as though I was already familiar with them, as though I was already familiar with the world. I love this because it makes me feel like I am, already familiar with the world, even though I've never heard of it before and know next to nothing about it. Your other reviewers seem to consider this a negative aspect of the piece, but I have to (very politely) disagree with them completely; it was my favorite part. I'm a sucker for world-building, and I'm glad to see you've done some here!

That said, I have two main complaints about this piece, and they are sort of contradictory. You see, at once you explain things too clearly and not clearly enough. I'll start with too clearly. What I mean by that is that the way you explain them is a little too convenient. Take the first piece of dialogue, for example:

“I cannot believe that you would be with Ella! Of all people, Lisa! Her mothers have no dignity and the same with her!”

That is very convenient for you, because it gives you a way of introducing Ella, and Lisa, and some sense of something going on between them which Momma is not happy about. But is it realistic? Would Momma really be saying that? I mean, she's practically explaining it to Lisa--but wouldn't Lisa know already? You're trying to explain something via dialogue, but that only works if there is a character present who doesn't already know what's going on. If all the characters know what's going on, then why would one character explain it to another? Obviously, they are actually explaining it to the reader... but there aren't readers in real life. ^_~ This comes across as a bit of an info-dump.

Now, let me address the not clearly enough. I'm going to be perfectly frank with you and admit that I don't really understand what the point of the story is. Don't be offended (after all, I'm just some random idiot on the Internet, so what does it mean if I don't understand your art?). I like the piece a lot for other reasons, but when it comes to the main conflict, I'm lost. I'm assuming Lisa had some sort of romantic incident with Ella, right? But I'm a little confused by that. On the one hand, it seems like homosexuality is perfectly normal in this world you've created, right? So maybe if Lisa was having some sort of affair with a man then I could understand the scandal... but she's not. Actually, I'm not sure there are men in your world at all... but that's another topic all together. On the other hand, Lisa seems really young. Your other reviewers have mentioned this too, and I have to agree with them: you make her come across as about eleven years old. But it seems like she must be older to have done something that would be such a big deal? Maybe I'm wrong, but that's how it seems to me. Also, what was the word slip-up Lisa made in the end? I didn't see any sort of mistake in anything she said, so when it became a big deal, I was even more confused.

And then the piece ended. She just goes off up to her room, and is ashamed. But I still have no idea what the story was about! My question to you is this: is the piece a short story on its own, or a segment of something longer that you're working on? I would give you suggestions for how to correct the issues I've brought up, but if I don't know whether you're writing a short story or a novel or a novella, it gets hard for me to know how you should deal with them. Should I tell you to save explanation for another segment/chapter? Should I tell you to cut things out to keep the piece from getting too long while still having space to say what's important? Ordinarily, since this was posted in a Short Story section, I would assume that it was a short story... but by your comment about things being revealed "later on," I'm led to think I might be wrong about that.

Lastly, I'd like to address something others have told you off about: long words. I have to say, if you want to use them then go ahead! Personally, I love long words. I use them all the time. Some people tell me to cut them out, some people love them... but it's how I write, so I'm not going to change it because people tell me to. If you change how you write it should be in order to get your point across more effectively. For example, if you wanted to make the narrative sound more direct, or maybe even more childish, then you should cut out the big words. If, on the other hand, you want it to be poetic or literary sounding, then keep them--maybe even add some more.

Well, I've rambled on long enough. ^_^ I hope you find some of what I said helpful! Basically, this piece doesn't feel complete and I'm not sure if I should try and help you with that or if it actually isn't complete. Will there be a part 2?

PM me or post on my wall if you have any questions or comments about anything I've said!

Happy February (almost)!

a

Heyo!

SO, I really liked this piece. Your description was good and I love the whole idea of using Artificial Insemination. (Being a biotech student, I love these kindsa things.) ^^
I agree with Incog. I don't understand her age. You'll need to portray that to us clearly.
Also; there's the Momma/Mommy. I'm sort of figuring it out in my head, but it would be really good if you gave us a hint as to what's going on.

Off to the next chapter now. Great work!

~Lava

A civilization of just women? Just an assumption. I am in anticipation for part two, once I get to it, haha! A couple of grammatical errors that aren't really of concern. Seems like you DID spell check, which I'm proud of! A very creative piece, and am waiting to hear the entire history of Lisa!

~Panda;;

Man, it's hard to comment after other people already have, It's a very good story I love your style. I think it need more details about the environment and the characters. Use more words that make the reader feel like they are there, what I mean by that is, describe the sights, the smells, the feeling of things, the sounds, and even the taste of things. Make the reader feel as if they are the narrator, describe the tension. Think about, as you're writing, "How would I feel if I were there?" A good thing to do, only while writing, make the place you're describing real, make your mind, just for a moment, think it's real, that's what Tolkien did, and look at his books. I need to stop nit picking, I'm so sorry. The story is very good, and I hope to read more of your writings. Good luck in the future, and may you be shielded from Writer's Block.

I don't mean to advertize anything, but. If you read "Ethan of Athos", you'll find a main character from an all-male society. Maybe reading such a book would be helpful?

I'm not going to sugar-coat it, bro, this story confused my balls off. I didn't really comprehend the world, the characters, the conflict. How old was Lisa? When is this set? Where is this set? Is everyone a lesbian or is this set in a world without men? I really hope that this is just part of a larger piece because it really intrigued me. I loved your dictation, and you voice, and I really want to read more. loi. I really can't wait until you reveal more. loi.

Thats really good. It pulls me into the story and lets me take place of the main character. I like your style of writing. It really makes me want to read more and learn about the characters! hahah

-CookEmonster