Young Writers Society

There. I did a bunch of editing.

Reyu: Thanks for all the help! I can't think of a better way ot escape, but if you have any ideas.... lol, . Techno stuff? Nah. You need to understand techno stuff to write about it.

I honestly love it. And the gaps between chapters are almost seeming planned. The diction is very good, so are the descriptions. The way the history was presented through a dream also appealed to me.
Waiting for more, although don't want to rush you. I'm feeling now what I had felt after reading my first Harry Potter book. It's like I have just drunk the costliest wine on the planet, and my thirst just won't quench now.

Three days later, after fixing the clock, the radio, the DigiMap, the motor, and the phone, lopping off her hair, and helping Adam pull in two large and successful nets full of mackerel, Lillian was safely deposited on the shore, near Gaeta. From the port server, Lillian accessed bank account, and printed out a note for the promised sum, two million lira.

She handed it to Adam.

He looked at it for a minute, his eyes narrowed, and his head cocked to one side. Then he smiled.

“Gratzi,” Adam said, holding up his hand. “But please. No money. Its been a pleasure.”
“Gratzi,” replied Lillian, and left.

Lillian boarded a train, and headed south towards Formia. Vaguely, she remembered that beneath a pub there was a head quarters. She could recuperate there, if she could find it.

There was only one other person in her compartment; a boy of about age ten. He looked devilish, with thin, slanted eyebrows, a dark complexion, and slightly ragged cloths.

She thought she saw him watching her as she fell asleep, nodding off to the rhythmic thumping of the tracks, one of the few relics of old Italy that had remained untouched by modern technology.

A tickling by her hip awakened Lillian. She jolted up and slapped away the boy’s hand where he had been picking her pocket. Lillian grabbed him by the wrist and held him firmly as he struggled.

“Thief,” she said.

“Lemme go!” shouted the boy.
“No!” said Lillian.
“Lemme go! Lemme go or I’ll tell!”
“Tell who?” Lillian asked suspiciously, suddenly on guard.
“Them! The Raccoglitori! Your face has been on the posters, it has. All over them.”

He smirked, suddenly in control of the interaction.
Lillian let go of his arm.

“What posters?”
“I knew you’d let me go!”

Lillian frowned. This arrogant little kid was seriously grinding her nerves. If he were to call the High Priestess’ police, the Raccoglitori, and tell them that she had survived her fall, she would lose her advantage quickly.
“So.. Got any money?”
“No,” lied Lillian.
“Okay, I’ll go tell then, and you’ll be back in jail. Trovato. Found. Game over. Now do you have any money?”
“Would you like to know what I was arrested for?” asked Lillian, suggestively.
“Yes, and then I’ll tell you what I’ve done, too!”
“Wait-. You’re on the run as well?”
“I thought you were going to tell me what you did?”
“Fine, then. I murdered someone,” said Lillian, with a strait face. “A boy. About your age, as a matter of fact.”
“That’s funny, so did I! Yes, about my age.”

Lillian, taken aback, studied his face. It was earnest, and serious looking. She decided that he was capable of doing such a thing.

“Um.. I didn’t really murder anybody...” she said.

He burst out laughing.

“Neither did I! So what did you really do?”
“I was arrested for.. Treason”

The boy saddened obviously. He had such an expressive face, Lillian noted.

“My uncle was taken in for that same reason, those bastardi. You might know him... ‘Gorgio Bertolini?”

Lillian shook her head.

“Code name: Donovan?”
“Ah. Squad eighteen?”
“That's him! That's my uncle Gorgi!” He grinned, delighted.
“My name’s Milan. Milan Bertolini, after the old city. And I’m on the run for theft. I’m twelve.”
“I’m Rose Brighton, of squad nine.”
“You’re not... That Rose, are you? Code name: Rosette, actual name; Lillian?”

Lillian nodded. She had always trusted criminals, for the simple reason that they could not easily report her without being incarcerated themselves.

“Very nice to meet you,” Milan said, extending his hand. “I think we should stick together!”

this is an awsome story jeneffina i love the plot, very new, i really like the style it was written as well, great job, there were a few spelling errors, jut remember to use the spell check to help with that, other than that, this is a great story, it was a the perfect pace i thought everything went very smooth... as i said before great story i am enjoying this and cant wait to read more.

You could use the spellcheck next time. But I'm keeping tabs as the story progresses. What's great is that you have not let your imagination run wild. Those wild stories can really bore after some time.

*irk* Does anyone care to tell me what I misspelled? I can't use the spellcheck because it corrects my Italian. Sorry, peeps...

interesting... gets more comments than anythig I get, which apparently means that it isn't crap. Never say it's crap... this was incredibly .... interesting... there is really nothing more I can say. I should go to bed now, what an interesting bed time story.... *YAWNS*

Accompanied by Milan, Lillian disembarked at Formia station. Rather reluctantly, she had agreed to let him stick with her. He had reasured her, and she had no doubt; that he could take care of himself.

“Do you know if there’s a base here?” Lillian asked, tentatively, determined to test how much this boy knew.

“I think so,” he replied, vaguely. “Under some pub?”

It was crowded, so there was little fear of being overheard. The cameras were indiscreetly placed within fake, plastic, potted plants. Lillian and Milan pushed their way through throngs of busy people. Milan bumped heavily into an armed security guard on their way out.

“Hey, you! Ragazzo! Look where you’re going, next time!”
“Spiacente!” Milan called back, casually. Sorry.

They jostled their way out, and descended the steps. The air was hot, but there was a chill breeze, whipping in the first signs of winter. It never snowed anymore apart from high in the alps; global warming, although significantly reduced by modern technology, had taken its toll on Italy almost as much as everywhere else.

“Is there a place we can stay?” Lillian said, to Milan.

He shook his head. “Not unless we can find the headquarters.”

“So you don’t have any idea where it might be?”
“No. You?”
“No... I haven't been here for years.”
“Where were you arrested?” he probed.
“Tivoli,” said Lillian, wondering why she was answering this kid.
“Where’s that?”
“West of Roma.”

A man walked by, wearing a straw hat. Something about the scene sparked Lillian’s memory.

“The pub... I think it was called ‘Cappello Povero.’”
“That sounds right!” Milan exclaimed.
“But... I still don’t know where it is. Do you?”
“No,” he said, with his devilish smirk. “But I can get us there. TAXI!”

A yellow taxi drove up almost immediately. The driver opened the door, and beaconed expectantly.

“Taxis cost money! Do you have any, boy?”

Milan proudly produced the wallet of the security guard he had bumped into in the train station. Lillian smiled nervously at him, and they got into the car.

“Lei potrebbe portarci al Cappello Povero, per favore?” Milan directed the driver.
“[/i]Ciò sarà quattrocento lira. Non suo lontano da qui.[/i]”
“Ringraziarla.” Replied Milan smoothly, glancing at Lillian.

Lillian grinned, almost against her will. She was starting to like this boy!

"They were warm, and through her suspicions, she was grateful."

What do you mean by the word "through"?

"She kept an eye out for possible escape routes, by habit more than conscious thought."

...more by habit than by conscious thought."

“Leave us.” she said to Lillian’s guard

"Leave us," she said...

Here's a guideline: http://www.ver2.biz/snoink/kn/writing/3.php

shutting the door with a resonating ‘shud.’

Thud would be a better choice, and that way you wouldn't have to put quotes on it.

She was sitting strait in her chair

Straight.

It was an evil thing, there was no joy in it at all, only spite.

Comma splice. You're seperated the sentence with an illegal comma. FOUL!

You can say this instead: "It was an evil thing with no joy at all -- only spite."


That's pretty much all of the bad grammar mistakes...

I would be careful about the ending. She's been in a cell for six months, and suddenly she has all this strength? I don't think so. Come up with a reason for why that is. Since this is a sci fi, this can be done quite easily. All you have to do is make something up! Or, maybe she is just very determined? But you describe her as rather weak.

And never ever use the word "bode" in a story.

thats cool, a little confuzing with the.. italian was it, could you explain what they mean , just wondering, and if you or someone else explained please tell me.

The ‘Cappello Povero’ was quite crouded. The bartender, a tall, harried looking woman, was serving glasses of Italy’s famously delicious wine to a variety of happy drunks.

Lillian stepped in, recognizing the place immediately. Milan followed closely, trying to conceal his grin.
The bartender looked over, hearing the tinkling of the bells on the door.

“Hey! You!” she shouted. “What do you think you’re doing, bringing that kid in here! This is not a playground. Young mothers,” she spat, contemptiouly.

Lillian didn’t move. The lady whipped around.

“Che? Lei non parla di Inglesi? Fuori! Wait...” She studied her face. ”Lilly?”

Lillian beamed.

“Oh! Lilly, I was so afraid! First you were caught, then they announced you were dead! Come!”

The woman- Lillian wasn’t sure who she was- embraced her.

“Come,” she whispered. “Come on downstairs, Tina’s here, I’m sure she’ll be as glad to know you’re alive as I am. Come along, you too, boy,” she added, to Milan.

Tina had been on Lillian’s squad for a while, before she had decided she was too old for action, and preferred to stay at headquarters, organizing missions and researching potential members for the movement.


The bartender knocked twice, then slid a security card through the hidden slot on the door. It beeped cheerily, then clicked. She pushed it open.

The basement was a mess. Maps, digital and paper, were strewn about the floor. There were two computers, a projector facing toward the only wall that wasn’t covered by various posters, pieces of information, charts, and assignments. Several chairs were randomly placed about the room, but were no use, being so covered with junk.
On the single sofa, partially covered in mess herself, sat Tina, looking up at them from her laptop.

She wasn’t a particularly old woman, probably sixty at most. Her salt and pepper hair was swept back from her face in a messy bun, hastily clipped back. She had a small build, light and sparrow like, and had an aura of suppressed energy which was one of the reasons Lillian had loved having her on squad nineteen, while she had comanded it. Tina had grown up in Greece, and was not a native speaker of Italian.

“Tina!” Lillian shouted, and ran to hug the older woman.

“Oh Lilly, I was so afraid,” Tina whispered into Lillian’s hair. “The palace thinks you’re dead, dear, you see.”

As quickly as it had begun, the embrace was over. They were back to business. Typical Tina, Lillian thought.

“You weren't the only squad to get captured, dear. Pepo’s, number twenty-three, was caught three weeks after you. Marlini committed suicide instead of going with them, but I have reason to believe the rest of Pepo’s party are still alive.”

Lillian was saddened. Although she had never met Marlini in person, she had heard of his bravery. Pepo wasn’t a particularly bright individual, and had probably made the mistake that lead up to their capture. She couldn’t help but wonder what would have happened if Marlini had been in charge of squad twenty-three.

Tina continued, “We have squad twelve scedueled to arive here this afternoon to report on their latest mission. There are spies in the Imperial Headquarters in Trento, Sondrio, and Cuneo, though, now. They say that your latest demonstration made the comanders nervous.”

She was interupted by a loud rapping on the door, then it burst open, and in tumbled the entirety of squad twelve, and- Lillian gasped, sure her eyes were decieving her. Jofi, with her bold grin and happy eyes, was with them.

“Lilly!” Jofi screamed, not calling her captain, “they got me out, Lilly, they really did! I have so much to tell you!”

Squad twelve, all eight of them looking proud and triumphant, pulled up chairs or sat on piles of mess, and the meeting began.






Jojo: Got your message on my other story. LOL, thanks.
DQ: Will do!
Snoink: Am fixing now. Thanks!

Just to preface my obscenely long critique: this is a great story, with tons of potential, and you're an amazing writer. I'm not the best judge when it comes to tactful wording, though, and I can be a bit of a jerk (as Snoink can attest), but I don't mean it. (Not this time, anyway.) It's very-written story, and Lillian sounds like she'll be a hell of a great character to write for.

Also: I tend to be exceedingly incoherent, so if you have any questions, drop a line and I'll try to clarify.

*rolls up sleeves*

Right. Here goes.

First and foremost --- formatting. Paragraphs are denoted by double spaces or an indentation -- or, sometimes, both. (Usually one or the other, though.) You've got some kind of formatting here, but no widely-accepted one; I'm not sure where one paragraph starts or the other one ends. If two sentences are part of the same paragraph, there should not be a line break in between them. So, if these two sentences are in the same paragraph:

There was a light through the darkness.
One light, a tiny speck of hope that expanded into a column, which grew into a door. A person stepped into it, casting their shadow, inky black against the blinding color.

Then they should be joined like this:

There was a light through the darkness. One light, a tiny speck of hope that expanded into a column, which grew into a door. A person stepped into it, casting their shadow, inky black against the blinding color.

(I don't know if they're supposed to be in the same paragraph ---I'm speaking hypothetically. Personally, I think it would look better if the first sentence was its own "paragraph".)

And then, if you want to break it into paragraphs, either double-space or indent:

There was a light through the darkness. One light, a tiny speck of hope that expanded into a column, which grew into a door. A person stepped into it, casting their shadow, inky black against the blinding color.

Deep within the black stone pit, Lillian stirred, squinting up at the unfamiliar brightness. Her sore limbs, stiff from laying still for so long, creaked and groaned as she got to her knees.

Again, I don't know if those are actually where you want the paragraphs to be divided, and you can indent or double-space, it's your choice. But formatting properly is very important. Why? Because first of all, it makes it 500 times easier for the reader (if you doubt it, think of all the times a story has been written as one massive block, with no paragraph divisions whatsoever). Secondly, and more importantly, you can use paragraphs to your advantage. Create dramatic effect, that sort of thing.

Secondly --- spelling. I'm going to go through and correct the spelling anyway, but just to preface that with: please, please, please use the right spelling. You mention later on in the comments that:

jennafina wrote:*irk* Does anyone care to tell me what I misspelled? I can't use the spellcheck because it corrects my Italian. Sorry, peeps...

Most word processors, such as WordPerfect and Word (which are the most common, I believe) have something called "Spell-As-You-Go" (in Word it's "Check spelling as you type," --- if you want me to explain how to get this option, I can). It underlines your spelling mistakes with a squiggly red line -- you don't have to use this, but you can. That way, you can see all the mistakes you're making. It will underline your Italian, too, and generally make your document look kind of hideous, but it's worth it. Then you can go back and check out all the English words that are underlined and correct them individually. (I'd actually suggest not using Spell Check, or at least --- not using it blindly, because you can often get the wrong word.)

To answer your question as to why it's important: a couple of reasons. First of all, it helps you become a better speller. Kind of a geeky answer, I know, but it's true. If you correct your mistakes this time, chances are you'll remember how to spell the word correctly the next time. And being able to spell correctly will help you in the future: when you're writing stories, when you're writing professionally, when you're writing resumés (and other work-related things), and when you're writing during school. Trust me, knowing how to spell stuff when writing exams is very, very nice.

Secondly: it reflects your writing a hell of a lot better, and it kind of reflects you. In an age with computer technology and spell checking and online fricking dictionaries, bad spelling just looks sloppy. And sloppy is bad.

Thirdly -- it's good for your readers (and, again, good for you). One of the most unappealing aspects of reading a story (other than bad formatting) is bad spelling. A few typos aren't that bad, but when I'm reading a story for enjoyment's sake, copious bad spelling riddled throughout the entire story is one of the easiest ways to get me to stop. And I know I'm not the only one. So, yeah -- more readers. And more readers (for most writers) is usually a good thing.

Last of all: when you misspell things, you occasionally write the wrong word, spelled correctly, but with a completely different meaning. That, in turn, completely distorts the meaning of your original sentence. So when you say a person acceded up to the platform, it can be construed much differently than she ascended up to the platform.

The Cliff Notes version is: spelling is good. Spell properly, and we will all thank you for it.

Okay. Now, here comes the actual crit.

A person stepped into it, casting their shadow, inky black against the blinding color.

A couple of things here. First of all, I know you used "their" to denote genderlessness, but it just looks awkward (not to mention grammatically incorrect). Instead of doing that, you could probably omit the "his"/"her"/"their" altogether and write something like:

A person stepped into it, casting inky black shadows against the blinding color.

That way, no awkwardness and you're still mentioning the shadows.

Secondly, from my meager knowledge of lighting, I'm pretty sure his shadow wouldn't be "inky black". His silhouette, however, would be.

And thirdly, "blinding color" suggests that the colour itself is blinding --- i.e. psychadelic colours, or something of the sort. Also, most lights aren't colourful (unless the colour comes from a completely different source, like the room behind him or something), which leads me to conclude that you meant by "blinding color" you meant "blinding light". You may not have meant that, but if you did, I'd suggest replacing "color" with "light", so:

A person stepped into it, casting inky black shadows against the blinding light.

Which in turn creates a starker contrast in terms of mental imagery -- inky black against blinding white, y'know?

Her sore limbs, stiff from laying still for so long, creaked and groaned as she got to her knees.

Limbs don't creak and groan without use. They just don't work. I don't know how long you mean when you say "so long", but if she's been lying like that for six months (you mention she's been imprisoned for six months, but I sincerely hope she hasn't been immobile for that long), her muscles would have atrophied. Hell, after a week of immobility, her muscles would begin to atrophy. So --- depending on how long exactly she's been lying still, she would definitely not be able to get up so easily.

Lillian did as she was told, dawning the soft gray tunic and leggings.

Correct word: donning. "Dawning" means something completely different.

The man bent down, and she heard a metallic banging. A latter unfurled.

Correct word: ladder. Again, "latter" means something totally different. Also, if the ladder can bang metallically, it probably can't unfurl. Unless it's some kind of wire mesh or cloth or rope, in which case it wouldn't bang metallically. You can have one or the other, but not both.

Wondering what she was expected to have tried, Lillian acceded up to the platform.

Correct word: ascended. Also, that first bit --- "wondering what she was expected to have tried" --- is kind of clunky, simply because it has way too many verbs. The "expected" is probably the most unnecessary verb: you can replace it with something like, "Wondering what she could have possibly tried". It gets the same meaning across, but without as many verbs to clutter it up.

His face was lined, his brows thick, and he was wearing an official guard uniform.

Quick descriptions are fine, but these three descriptions have nothing to connect them. Segue them together.

There was a weapon, a aerodynamic rifle, strapped into his belt.

An aerodynamic rifle. Also, strapping an aerodynamic rifle to a person's belt makes it very, very difficult to walk. Possibly moreso for a guy.

Lillian frowned. This didn’t bode well. The High Priestess was a cruel, merciless dictator, using the church’s power to fuel her own well-being.
Lillian had been arrested leading a mission against her, six months ago.

Have you ever heard the phrase, "show, don't tell"? Well, that applies here. The last sentence, not so much, but especially for the third sentence. Instead of forcing an opinion of the Priestess (cruel, merciless, dictator, etc.), it would be much better to drop little hints and clues for the reader to pick up on, so that s/he can formulate his or her own opinions. You don't necessarily have to do that in this installment --- you can disperse clues liberally throughout the entire story. But don't just say it. Let the readers reach their own conclusions.

However, she complied, allowing herself to be led down the corridors, and up several flights of stairs.

First of all -- unnecessary comma after "corridors". It should be omitted.

However is bad enough in essays, but it should definitely not be used in stories. It completely disrupts the sentence flow, especially when put at the beginning. (I know I've used it at least once in this crit, but still.) You can say this in a hundred different ways that don't use the word however, like:

Still, there wasn't much she could do. So she complied, allowing herself to be led down the corridors and up several flights of stairs.

or, more simply:

Still, she complied, allowing herself to be led down the corridors and up several flights of stairs.

Okay. Next.

“Leave us.” she said to Lillian’s guard, who complied instantly, shutting the door with a resonating ‘shud.’

The period after "us" should be a comma. Also -- you use the word "complied" for the second time in a few sentences (the first was, "So she complied, allowing..."). Which wouldn't be such a big deal if "complied" wasn't a rarely-used word (or, at least, something that is much more infrequent than "said"). It still isn't a big deal -- I'm just nitpicking, of course -- but it sounds better if one of the two "complied"s is taken out. I'd go with the first "complied", but it's your choice.

“Come. she said to Lillian, her voice as cold and hollow as the chamber.

The period should be a comma. Also: repetition is sometimes a good thing when used purposefully, but I don't know if you meant to do this:

“Leave us.” she said to Lillian’s guard, who complied instantly, shutting the door with a resonating ‘shud.’
“Come.” she said to Lillian, her voice as cold and hollow as the chamber.

You can probably take out one of the tags --- I'd suggest taking out "she said to Lillian". You'd have to play with the paragraph a little so it would flow properly, but you're a talented writer; you can definitely do it.

She was sitting strait in her chair,

Correct spelling: straight.

her dress black with long sleeves, and a low neckline. Her cheekbones were high, and her eyes were steely gray. Her hair was a mixture of pale blond, and white, and she appeared to be in her mid-sixties.

Again, no segue. We've got these various descriptions, but they're not really connected in any way. What does her hair have to do with her age? Yet they're in the same sentence. The easiest way to draw these elements of description together is to use something that binds all the little bits together. Her hair, for example, which can be used to segue into her cheekbones and her steely gray eyes. In the same way, segue the other bits of description together so they don't seem so haphazard.

Also, on a minor note, the comma after "sleeves" should be taken out.

“So... I speak to you at last, Lillian Brighten of the Rebel resistance force; code name: Rosette squad nine, mission fifteen.”

The punctuation in this sentence tends to clutter it up. Don't take the punctuation out; just break it into smaller sentences. (It's also slightly more realistic. Try saying that sentence out loud without keeling over and dying for air.) That way, you can emphasize the last bit (Code name: Rosette, Squad Nine, Mission Fifteen) for greater dramatic flair, so that the reader knows it's a Big Thing that the Priestess knows all of that information.

How did this woman know the details?

I'm about 89% sure you mean to italicize "this" instead of "woman". The emphasis on "woman" makes it seem like it's a big thing that a woman knows this information. Whereas emphasizing "this" would be emphasizing the fact that this woman in particular, not just any woman, knows the information. (Since I'm obviously not you, I'm not sure; if emphasizing "woman" was your intention, then forget all this.)

Had one of her fellows told?

"Fellows" implies "males", whereas "fellow ________" implies her peers. (Fill in the blank: fellow rebels/spies/etc.)

Given in to the torture they had all been submitted to?

Again, too many verbs. "Given in to the torture?" would do just as well.

The High Priestess gave an icy smile. It was an evil thing, there was no joy in it at all, only spite.

The comma after "thing" should be a semi-colon. Also, the entire second sentence, "It was an evil thing..." seems like another effort to force an opinion onto the reader. If you don't want to cut out the entire thing, at least take out It was an evil thing. "The High Priestess gave an icy smile," is enough, really. The readers will come to the realization that the High Priestess is bad without being told.

Her knees dissolved, and she sunk to the floor.

"Sank", not "sunk".

“What do you want from me?” she asked, looking up at the Priestess with loathing, more than actual fear.

First of all: the comma should be taken out. It's grammatically incorrect. Secondly, you will probably want to place the "more" before "loathing" if/when you take out the comma, so it reads:

looking up at the Priestess with more loathing than actual fear.

...which is slightly less awkward. And last of all "more than actual fear" is a clarification of sorts, and pretty unnecessary. You can put it in, but the sentence doesn't really need to be clarified, especially beyond "with loathing". That's pretty specific. Clarifying that it isn't fear implies that the reader might initially think that the sentence is said in fear, and this isn't true. Reading the sentence without any additional tags ("What do you want from me?") sounds more desperate than fearful. So you really don't need to clarify that it's not fear, because the sentence doesn't sound fearful in the first place.

Of course, that was when she was stronger, before being locked in a dark cell for six months, surviving on next to nothing.
What was there left to lose, she thought, thinking of Asher.

Okay, this is hugely unrealistic. Okay, maybe she could take on three guards when she was healthy, but it's virtually impossible for her to do it now, because her physical condition should be hideous. Which brings me to the huge point that so far, she's recovered surprisingly (and unrealistically) quickly. She's been systematically starved, hasn't moved in a "long time", and has had absolutely no exposure to light. Her eyes shouldn't have been able to adjust so easily, and she shouldn't have been able to move, let alone climb a ladder, take on three guards, and escape. Also, starvation causes fatigue, so she should have tired very easily (supposing she could have moved). Also, six months in solitary confinement tends to have psychological effects.

The simplest way to remedy this is to improve the conditions of her imprisonment. Maybe she has a window in her cell. She may be fed horrible swill-ish food, but still fed well. She moves around, but not much. Or maybe she's beaten, but still allowed to exert herself physically. That sort of thing. Don't give her a hotel suite, but at the same time, it has to be a little bit more realistic than this.

Without another thought, Lillian elbowed the guard hard in the stomach. He folded, stunned, and fumbled for his weapon, but by that time, Lillian was at the door. She tripped one guard, then the next, and was through the doors before they had time to untangle themselves.

Again, with her physical strength (or significant lack thereof) it would be highly unlikely that she could execute an escape like that. Also, the guards should be able to respond faster than that -- they are, after all, guards. It's what they're trained to do. Secondly, put greater emphasis on the fact that she's outside now. It's hard to tell, because there's no description here. Don't launch into an epic description of the weather, but at the same time, let us know what time of day (or night) it is, the weather, that sort of thing. You can write it through indirect clues: the sun beating down on her, the wind whipping her hair into her eyes, that sort of thing.

However, it was an inevitability that they would eventually get up, and make chase.

However = bad, especially when the word "but" will suffice. (And won't impede the flow of the story so much.)

However, it was an inevitability that they would eventually get up, and make chase.
She ran as fast as she could, skipping across the ground. She risked a glance over her shoulder, and saw a guard , alarmingly close behind her, rifle cocked.

Do you mean "skimming"? Because skipping and running for your life is very hard to do at the same time.

The first sentence implies that there's no one chasing after her, while the second makes it very obvious that there are people tracking her. Which, obviously, is very contradictory. Also, would she look back while running for her life? I mean, it's kind of pointless: if you're shot, you're shot. And as a hardened rebel who has been in this sort of situation before, she should know that it's entirely useless to look back (and slows her down, moreover).

And --- whoa, lax security. The High Priestess is supposedly a dictator, yet she can't get herself some better security? Especially for a high-profile prisoner like Lillian? (She's obviously high-profile if the High Priestess meets with her.) For someone who has got a rebellion on her tail, she's made it really easy for people to get to her, hasn't she? An easily accessible canal right beside the Priestess's palace? Again, it's pretty much impossible that she would have such hideous security. The head of the Scientologist church is better protected.

A bullet of some type whizzed past her ear. Lillian heard another shot, then a bright pain erupted in her back. She reached around, and pulled out a drugged dart.

First of all -- darts aren't bullets. They're very, very different. Secondly: try running as fast as you can while reaching over your shoulder and touching your back. You can't.

There was a canal ahead of her, and maybe... Just maybe, if she could get to it....

Two things. First of all, ellipses (...) are only three dots. You've used them a bunch of times, and there's a few instances where you use more than three dots. So just a note that you should replace the multiple dots with three.

Secondly: "there was a canal," gives the canal a sense of convenience, a deus ex machina for a quick escape route. Give the reader the sense that the canal wasn't just thrown in because Lillian needed an escape route. What is it used for? Don't go into elaborate detail -- just give us a quick sentence or sentence fragment or something. "There was a canal up ahead, used for transporting goods into the church, and maybe..." And so on and so forth. I'd also suggest cutting out "There was a", since it reinforces that sense of deus ex machina, and replacing it with "The".

Without thinking, Lillian hurled herself over the railing, for a single terrifying second, she thought she was going to miss, before she landed heavily in the schooner, making it rock.

Instead of overloading the sentence with commas, why not break it up? Even if you don't, the comma after "railing" should actually be a semi-colon. If you do decide to cut up the sentence, that would actually be a good place to start: replace the comma after "railing" with a period and turn "making it rock" into another sentence. ("The schooner rocked violently beneath her.")

Also, I'm pretty sure jumping into a canal/onto a high-speeding schooner would hurt. Just a little. Maybe more.

...phew. Done.

Actually, just as an extra note:

Niobe wrote:"Now come," the man said, "and don’t try anything." -- The correct way to write this is:
"Now come," the man said. "And don't try anything."

That's actually not true. Or at least, it depends on the man's words. Is he saying:

"Now come. And don't try anything." or
"Now come, and don't try anything."?

If it's the first, then Niobe's right. If it's not, then you've got the right form.

...okay, now I'm definitely done.

very nice additon, jennafina, keep it up.