Young Writers Society

The lights flickered as the echo of screams grew louder,crew members running to try to escape the massacre brought on by the aliens who had boarded there ship only moments ago, many of them had already gotten to there escape pods, but many were still on board hiding from certain death.

As Rika and Oliver ran aroud a corner to find an excape pod there was a large sound, as if somthing was beaing crushed, from the engine room two decks down.

"I'm scared Oliver" Rika muttered crying as she leaned into Oliver.

"Don't worry Rika, I'm here" Oliver whispered into Rika's ear as he held her close.

*Moved to Science Fiction at Author's Request.*

The name "Yuudia" is really tough for me to pronounce mentally, something easier might be better.

The crewmates seem really pathetic too: are they unarmed or are they merely cowards?

Then we flash to two people cowering in a corner.

Grammar doesn't look good, dialogue isn't spaced properly, nor are there any spacings between paragraphs.

All of this kind of discourages me from reading more. A more heroic portrayal of humanity and proper grammar would go a long way in changing this.

I suggest removing the poll, since weak reviewers will just click on it, without telling you anything about why they voted that way.

as I thought... I will change the name Yuudai to somthing better... soon

as for the crewmater ... yes they are cowerds and yes they are unnamed *most of them*

and Sora and Yuudai are running for there lives not cowering in a corner
i made a error writing this. i will fix it

as for there humanity ...that is kinda resolved later on in the story
and just as a spoiler. Yuudai is not a hero *whatever I chang his name to

I currently am writing all my stories using notepad ware there is nothing to help my grammer . I am sorry for this but i cant help it if my computer is a peace of cr*p

thank you for your help

One thing I would suggest: I know Yuudia is male and Sora is female, but because of the names being foreign, it can be hard to tell. Perhaps you could make it more obvious.

I would agree with changing the name Yuudia to something else as well. If you're writing this for an English audience, then you need to think about how they will read it.

Also, I'm guessing if these guys are unarmed, then they weren't expecting aliens to board their ship, or anything hostile at all.

What I'd really like to see though, would be a character who, even if he or she is unarmed, keeps it all together and ends up not only surviving, but finding a (creative) way to beat the aliens.

One thing I will say about grammar... I think your grammar and spelling is a lot better in this story than in the Love Hina one that I read, so it seems you're improving. *thumbs up*

Just so you know though, there should be new paragraphs each time a new person speaks. I'm not trying to say this to put you down - it's just that it can be hard to read a piece of prose that doesn't have any paragraphing.

One more thing before I go: I prefer stories where not everything is explained to the reader. For example, you don't have to tell us that aliens have boarded the ship - you could have something else instead, a little subtler, such as Yuudia and Sora talking together, then suddenly they hear screaming, and "Abandon Ship" starts blaring out.

Good luck with it,

Kay.


(Critting for the Cabassi)

Thank for the idea's!! I will try to put this in my final copy

A:

no they we only going to the outer ring station ( Jupiter station ) and didn't expect an encounter

as for the character your looking for ... wait and see

i will change the name to another language to make it easier to know if it's a guy or girl

and i was worried if i should use Yuudia and it turns out i shouldn't have...

OMG. Don't do those types of polls, lol! It shouldn't matter whether I want to continue on -- instead, it should matter whether YOU want to continue on. Be self-serving, for once! Write what YOU like and want and, as long as you like it, there will ALWAYS be someone else who likes it. Got it? Good.

Besides, I always hate those types of polls, so, no matter what I actually think of the story, I will usually vote no. It's just... yeah. Don't tempt me.

I have to agree with Kay. I would rather see the scene unfolding than to have it told to me. At the moment, you're just telling me that this happened, they said this, so on, and it seems more like an outline. Make me FEEL what's happening. Let me hear the screech of the alarm. Let me see what Sora is doing as she cries to her brother.

Details like this separate the OK stories from the really awesome ones. So just expand it a little more, and you got it!

one problom... Oliver is NOT Rika's brother

just to clear that up

and as i sead i will TRY to put sejestions in the final copy

Some of the stuff it a little unclear, but I need more to go on to decide if I want the read the rest!

But I agree with Snoink. Why put in those type of polls, some people won't even vote truthfully in? Plus, it lowers your self-esteem if you see people dont want to read your story!

RR*

It's very nice to begin a story with action, as you have done. But the first paragraph is dragging. Condense it. To the point and on with the story, if you know what I mean.

I'd read it if you continued it however, just because it sounds like my kind of story. Immediately reminded me of Star Ocean 3, but not too much as to say you're stealing the idea. There is something original about it.

I think changing Sora's name to ANYTHING else would do some good. I love the uni-sex name thing, but the name immediately triggers a male image thanks to Kingdom Hearts.

Oh yes, I believe you are doing fine with this writing thing. Keep it up.

As always,

Miss POKE

I do think i will chane Sora to somthing else... but i dont know what to change it to. if aneyone has a idea , let me know
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I got one...Aimi
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good enough

Your start could use some fixing up. It pushes to right into the action, but the whole of the first paragraph is one sentence, and not original. I've seen people hiding from things and unavoidable death a lot, give us something else, you know?

When you give us dialog, always start a new paragraph when someone else speaks.

As Aimi and Oliver ran aroud a corner to find an excape pod there was a large sound, as if somthing was beaing crushed, from the engine room two decks down.

"I'm scared Oliver" Sora muttered crying as she leaned into Oliver.

"Don't worry Aimi, I'm here" Oliver whispered into Aimi's ear as he held her close.

At that moment the lights went out momentairly

Woah woah woah the lights....went out for a moment....momentarily? Sounds...strange.

Yeah spelling and grammar should be cleaned up, for sure. The narrating needs to be cleaned up, its just sort of...lacking. It sounds bad.

For a beginning, you give us action but the way you present it... I don't care. You have to make us care about your main characters, give us a reason to like them, otherwise as a reader I don't really give a darn if they live or die, so why should I be reading the story?

I don't want to give you too much story critiquing, only because the actually writing needs to be fixed up first. Once you fix that up, drop me a line and maybe I can give a better opinion?

I really like the basic idea behind the story, and it does intrigue me into wanting to read more. So aside from the stuff that's already been mentioned - spacing etc - it's a great start.

thank you for saying that kirsten. I am hopeing to get more up soon/ fix it all... but the PCs are screwed so not much i can do...

but as i sead, im glad you liked it

and i will be posting another story that will not be continued in any way.
( some will be pissed with me...very pissed )
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I was right ... they were pissed ... at how bad they were... if you saw them please note that they were old and from long before i started paying any attention in language class ( 3-5 years ) and there for horid and were removed do to *horid-ness*

* not an actual word
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------what you see at the top is from someware in the middle of the story...i have now started writing the 2ed copy

"alright troops, listen up , we've been getting reports of a large out break in crynatearieans A.K.A cry's gathering in a area outside New York state. due to the nature of the situation, I'm only sending you four in to clean up the mess and quarantine all those infected with the virus. the plane leaves in one hour, so pack your things and get to the hanger"

"yes ,sir" four shadowed figures stood up and saluted as they started walking out of the room

"Miho , can i speak to you for a moment please"the commander spoke softly as she neared the door

"Miho, I know you wish to spend more time with Than , but given the circumstances he's in I do not think a mutual relationship is the right thing at this time"

"my relationship with Than is not and will not distract me from my duties. and if it begins to then i will request a transfer. now if you'll excuse me i need to get ready for the mission"

as Miho walked quietly out of the room the commander new something would go wrong