z

Young Writers Society


Ghost Ship



User avatar
214 Reviews



Gender: Male
Points: 8231
Reviews: 214
Thu Mar 29, 2007 1:03 am
Prosithion says...



“Now, I recall, that was the day I overslept. I practically got a concussion because of the stupid sirens.” Samantha Remero said, sipping her coffee delicately, unaware of the explosive shuddering in the deck under her feet. Several plates shattered in the kitchen, as the explosions shook them off their shelf. She heard the Chef’s muffled curse, the clatter of several pots, and the clatter of plate shards as the chef kicked his way through the shattered pile.

“It was too long ago for me to remember correctly, but I think that I was in the biology sector,” Soren said, taking a bite of one of the biscuits on his plate.

Samantha looked out the window, which had a view that ran the length of the hull, of the U.E.E Stargazer, down to the huge ion engines, “What time is it?”

Soren frowned, disappointed that their conversation had been cut short, but looked down at his watch, “It’s 0700.”

Samantha gasped, “I’ve got to be back at my station in five minutes. I’ve gotta go.” She swallowed the last of her scalding hot coffee and shoved the cup into the sanitizer. She left the lounge at a run.

Soren finished his coffee slowly, and went over to the window, stiff after his long period of immobility. The intercom crackled to life over the doorway, startling several of the other people in the lounge.

“Soren Novak, Please report to the bridge.” The intercom went dead with a hiss of static.

Soren gulped the last of his cooling coffee and shove the cup in the sanitizer, grabbing his uniform jacket as he passed his chair.

The corridor lights were on at half strength in what was supposed to be a simulated dawn and Soren squinted through the slight gloom, as he made his way up the hall. He entered the turbo lift at the end of the corridor and hit the button for the bridge.

The lift began to ascend, lights flashing past as the lift passed decks.

Almost ten seconds later, the turbo lift slowed and stopped, hissing open onto the secondary bridge, a little over midway down the kilometer long hull. The lights were on at full strength and Soren blinked for several moments, trying to clear the green and blue dots from his eyes. The lift doors started to close, and Soren slammed the wall stud with his palm. The doors stopped and again slid slowly open. He stepped quickly out and walked over to the captain’s chair.

Captain Gerald Ramis was a short, pudgy man of sixty, who was slouched down in his high backed chair. He was retiring soon and seemed to put more effort into his job because of it, perhaps trying to get a little more accomplished before he left. There were rumors that Lt. Silverman would succeed him, but Capt. Ramis had said either way.

The captain’s chair turned towards Soren with a sigh of hydraulics, and the captain revealed himself.

He was unnaturally short, only reaching Soren’s shoulder. Soren himself was only 5’-10” and he was used to looking slightly up when talking to other crewmembers.

“Soren. Can you accompany me down to the Biology lab?”

Soren raised an eyebrow, “Yes, sir.” Captain Ramis almost never went to the biology lab, and when he did, he usually asked Soren to meet him there. Now, at 7:30 in the morning, why he would want to go was beyond Soren’s comprehension.

Ramis got up from his seat and walked past Soren, pressing the turbo lift wall stud. The doors hissed open, and he stepped inside.

“Mr. Novak,” Ramis said from the turbo lift door, “Are you coming?”

Soren blinked and nodded. He followed Ramis into the turbo lift as another wave of explosions rattled through the deck.

The biology lab was for levels down, one above the lounge.

They entered the lab, where two soldiers were standing beside a 3’x3’ black plexisteel box on a cart. Ramis and Soren stepped up to the box.

Soren turned to Ramis, “What am I to be looking at?”

Ramis hit several buttons on the cube and its sides faded from black to clear.

Inside was one of… them.

It was a bat, but bigger then any on Earth. It was the size of a large dog, its long wings like dark brown leather. When the sides lightened, the bat shrieked harshly and leaped at on of the soldiers. In its cramped quarters, the bat had little room to maneuver, and only managed in streaking a smear of saliva across the plexisteel sides.

The soldier it had tried to attack leaped away as it crashed into the side of the cube. One had never before been captured alive and Soren was feeling a rising urge to study it.

“When can I start?” Soren asked, biting his lip.

“As far as I’m concerned, right now,” Ramis said, “Pick who you want on your research team and I’ll have them reassigned. This is top priority. Also, it is classified. Do not discuss the research with anyone.

“Thank you, sir. First, I’d like Samantha Remero, Alan Tracy, and Joshua Stewart. Later, I may need more people, but that should be sufficient for the time being.”

Both Samantha and Alan were biologists, but Joshua Stewart was a xenobiologist. The position had been hastily put together several years ago, when the bats began showing sentience. Joshua had volunteered for the position from the ranks of the biologists to run the department.

“Alright. They’ll be here promptly.”

“Thank you, sir.”

“Oh, and will these soldiers effect you research?”

“No, I can’t see why not.”

“Good, then they stay. They have orders to kill the thing if it gets out of control and poses a threat to the safety of this sector.”

“Yes sir.”

Ten minutes later, Soren, Samantha, Alan, and Joshua had the bat drugged, and were studying it. The first dozen tests were CAT scans, X-rays, and MRI’s. They finished the last test just before dinner. They put the bat back into its cage and left, taking the results with them to discuss them over supper.

One of the guards stayed behind, watching the other, till his comrade got back with their dinner.

Over dinner, they studied the results and began to throw ideas back and forth about the bat’s brain capacity and size. Soren hit upon an intriguing idea about why the bat was so big, causing the scientists to debate furiously as the put their dishes in the dispenser and began heading back towards the biology lab. All of the lights were out in the lab. Soren stopped everybody a few feet from the door. A few sparks glimmered through the frosted doors.

“What is it?” Samantha whispered over his shoulder.

“No clue.” Soren began creeping towards the door, the others following a few steps behind him. Soren reached up and shoved the wall stud in with his thumb. The door stuck for a moment, then hissed open. Soren hit the button for the emergency lights, and they flickered on, casting an eerie red glow around the lab, the research equipment casting ominous shadows against the walls. Soren looked down, and leaped back with a shout, crashing into Alan Tracy who was right behind him. On the ground at his feet was one of the guards, his throat ripped open, a dark pool of blood spreading slowly into a pool around his head. The other guard was several feet away, his body a crumpled heap lying against one of the supply cabinets. The bat’s cage was lying on the floor, its one side shredded open. The bat was gone. Soren frowned and looked slowly up. The large ventilation duct in the ceiling usually had a metal grill screwed into the hole. The grill was dangling out of the duct, its frame bent and contorted.

Soren felt something grab him by the arm and turned, his free arm rising to ward off any attack. Samantha had her arms clamped around his bicep. Her eyes were wide as she searched around the room, her fear palpable. Soren saw movement out of the corner of his eye, and spun around, peering into the gloom of the far corner, where several boxes and cases lay in a stack. Soren shook Samantha loose and walked over to the pile of boxes, picking up a taser as he passed one of the counters. Suddenly, from behind one of the boxes, a bat leaped up, flapping wildly to get airborne. Soren shouted, fending of the bat’s claws as they raked down his face. The bat screeched once and leaped at the air vent, crawled inside and disappeared. Soren got up, a hand to his face, and stumbled to the communicator on the wall.

“Captain! Please report to the biology lab with a security detail immediately.”

There was silence for a few moments, then, “Alright. I’ll be right down.”

A few minutes later, the sound of a dozen booted feet echoed down the corridor. Soren was sitting on the cart, where the cage had been displaced from. Samantha was cleaning up his face with medical supplies from one of the cabinets.

The doors hissed open and Captain Ramis entered, followed by the security team. He took one quick glance around the room and walked over to Soren.

“What happened in here?

“The bat escaped, sir. Both security guards are dead.”

“What about you. Are you alright?” Ramis asked, looking at the gashes down Soren’s face.

“Just a scratch, sir. They were in the ventilation system.”

Ramis cocked his head, his eyebrows forming a deep furrow over his eyes as he frowned at Soren, “What do you mean?”

“The bat escaped through the ventilation system.”

Ramis looked up, to where the ventilation duct opened directly above his head. He stepped aside, and then looked back down at Soren, “Alright. I want you in the medical bay in ten minutes. Two guards will be posted at every door in the sector at all times,” He turned to one of the soldiers, “Shut down the ventilation system for this sector. I…” He was interrupted by a strangled scream far down the corridor. All of the soldiers turned and ran from the room, following the sound of the continuing scream. Ramis paused for a moment, then turned and ran out of the room. Soren was helped to his feet and he kindly shook himself loose. The screams were coming more often now, and gunfire was erupting all along the sector. Soren ran out and the rest of the biology team followed, having nowhere else to go. They found Ramis behind a temporary blockade in one of the corridors, six soldiers beside him, shooting down the length of the corridor, their guns firing with loud cracks. Soren dove down beside Ramis as one of the bats screeched by just overhead.

“What’s going on?” Soren said, making room for Alan, Samantha, and Joshua, an they ducked behind the barricade.

“They flanked us. The biology lab was just a distraction. They went through the ventilation ducts and came out right behind our men. Cut them up pretty bad. The wounded have been taken to the medical wing. We’ll have to retreat soon.”

Soren nodded and raised his head just high enough to see over the barricade. The dead and dying bodies of bats littered the hallway, over three feet deep in some places. The air, however, was filed with them, as if a black cloud had swarmed up the corridor. Soren ducked back down. One of the soldiers was thrown backwards as several bats collided with him at once.

Samantha shrieked and bolted down the corridor, away from the ensuing battle. After a moment’s hesitation, Alan and Joshua followed her. The soldiers were being overwhelmed by the bats, and four had been killed. Soren rolled over, to ask Ramis a question, but the captain was dead. Another soldier fell under the onslaught. Soren looked around for a moment, grabbed a gun from one of the dead soldiers.

“Hey,” he shouted over the noise of the gunfire, “Lets get out of here.”

The last two soldiers nodded, fired a few more rounds down the hallway, and bolted, Soren beside them. One of the soldiers was attacked from behind, fell, and was swarmed by bats. The other soldier, whose name tag designated him as Private first class Ahlgren, grabbed a grenade from his belt, pulled the pin and hurled it back down the hall into the midst’s of the frenzy of bats. It exploded, a deafening roar in the narrow confines of the hallway, sending bat bodies scattering. Soren and Ahlgren rounded a corner, and stopped to catch their breath. Ahlgren hurled another grenade around the corner, which exploded with a dull thud.

“We have to find everyone else,” Soren said, shouting above the screeches of the bats.

They found Samantha, Alan, and Joshua huddled in a corner of the crew’s lounge. There were several other survivors along with them. Soren rant o a window, and looked out. Off in the distance, barely visible was Earth. Soren himself had never actually seen the planet, but he’d seen pictures of it, and even from the distance, he could vaguely make out the shape of North and South America. The planet was growing larger by the second, its shape growing and growing, until it was as large as a watermelon. Then, with a deafening roar that ripped the tables right out of the floor, the tip of the ship slammed like a deadweight into the peninsula of Florida. Soren was thrown of his feet and landed heavily at the back of the room, his head bloody. A raging fireball ran up the length of the ship, engulfing everything along the hull. The windows in the crew’s lounge shattered, and a new roar drowned out that of the collision. The air was being sucked out of the lounge, taking tables, chairs, and people with it. Slowly, the wind died down, as the Ship went deeper into Earth’s Atmosphere, folding up like an accordion.

Soren steeled himself for death, and watched horrified as the forward wall was shoved up to meet him. His eyes went wide, and then blackness engulfed him.


<><><><><>

Soren woke ten days later, in a Hospital bed in London. Every single bat died on the ship, along with over a billion humans. Soren was the sole survivor of the crash of the U.E.E Stargazer.
"wub wub wub wub. Now Zoidberg is the popular one."

"Computer... Captain's musk"
  





User avatar
376 Reviews



Gender: Male
Points: 16552
Reviews: 376
Fri Apr 13, 2007 11:31 pm
Trident says...



Hi Pros, a few comments here. I'm going to be rather harsh too since this piece has room for lots of improvement.

To me the story was kind of dull. There was no real inner thought processes, and dialogue was at a minimum. The dialogue there was didn't really help to characterize. It was almost like reading a news article.

I also felt there was little sensory description. You often told us something was there or was happening and didn't really explain or show what it was.

What was the point of the bats? They just seemed to be there. And since they all died at the end for no apparent purpose, I was left feeling unsatisfied.

The ending wasn't very exciting either. The ship hit Florida and everyone but Soren died? Meh.

There are a few redeeming qualities here. Some of your futuristic ploys worked all right. And Soren seems like he might be a good character if you could get him to show himself a little better.

Overall, I think you just need to give this piece a little life. Best of luck.
Perception is everything.
  





User avatar
57 Reviews



Gender: Male
Points: 890
Reviews: 57
Fri May 04, 2007 3:37 pm
RatchetWriter says...



Hey this is Great!

I don't really know why there are bats on the ship, but they are an intresting idea for a new enemy.

I only saw a few minor mistakes, nothing worth mentioning anyway.

Your story got my attention from the start because it began with dialogue.
And the person being unaware of explosions beneath them? That got my attention right away. It pratcically forced me to read on.

Also it was very easy to read, it went along good.
Sorry to say I don't know WHY it was easy to read, but it was!

Hope to see more of this!
  








Injustice anywhere is a threat to justice everywhere.
— Martin Luther King Jr.