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Fools' Duel: Unlikely Companions



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Fri Jun 01, 2007 12:50 pm
Myth says...



Unlikely Companions

Sketch of Aethel and Constable, characters from two different stories.

*

The cloud, Aethel though, has to be a hologram. Looking across the bridge to this boy with a cloud above his head, his youthful countenance spoiled by a sulky expression.

He came across the bridge, lost perhaps in the slow way he walked, neither looking back or around at his surroundings, and heading towards her. Just as he was beside her, Aethel hailed him, making the boy tremble as she grabbed him.

“Scared you, did I?”

A nod.

This close, Aethel saw, the cloud was real and rained on the arm holding the boy. Stepping back, “Is that new technology?” She didn’t own anything like this cloud. She put up a hand: what would it be like to touch? A buzzing sensation waved through her arm, fingertips tingling, and she gasped.

“It doesn’t like being touched.” A quiet voice. The boy nudged off her hold.

“Tell me: how does it work?”

He shrugged. “Born with it. It never goes away; Aunt Anna tried but it rained on her.” His face changed for a second, almost happy he looked.

“Really? Like it did to me?”

Another nod.

“Make it rain again.”

The boy moved away, stepping down the set of stairs on the other side. She followed, staying clear of the little grey cloud, she wasn’t in the mood to change clothes, but close enough to talk to the owner.

“If you tell me about this cloud, right, I’ll take you to a secret place.”

Suddenly stopping, the boy caused a peddler to crash into him and drop a tray of potato snacks and clear liquid. Aethel grabbed him again, pushing him forward to another stall and shouting back at the peddler and ignoring the boy’s shocked look at each swear word thrown their way.

“Don’t mind his sharp tongue,” she said.

The cloud split in two, right in front of her, and lightning struck the peddler so he screamed terror.

Aethel laughed. A good thing because Paron said she was miserable too often, if only he’d been here, but this was the sort of thing he’d disapprove of.

The boy groaned. “This is always happening!” His cloud joined up, like a zip being done up.

“Listen, boy, about this place. No ones there expect for me and a few others; they won’t bother you but at least you’ll have no trouble. This cloud of yours is interesting. How about that?”

“Where is it?”

“A secret. I’ll have to blindfold you.” She took a handkerchief and covered his eyes, the boy protested and nothing could put off Aethel’s determination as she shoved him into a nearby shaft.

Five levels down, she guided him to a huge drain hole and down another shaft. Finally she took the blindfold off—“Can’t have you falling and breaking your neck.”

Here, they climbed down a long ladder, leaving behind the noise of the surface, Aethel’s word for the upper world, and entered the Basement level. And the cloud sailed down before them, leaving the boy cloudless and strangely different, like he was a common person without his trademark.

Aethel led him to her room where Paron sat repairing one of Gimus’ eyes. The boy wouldn’t enter, staring at the two automatons and pale, shaking terribly.

“They won’t hurt you, boy, like I said.”

“Another stray, Aethel?” Paron said, looking the boy up and down and turning back to Gimus—half blind but still able to see out one eye.

“The other one’s not coming back. Anyway, this one’s not from around here.” She held the boy’s hand and forced him in; the cloud was happy to comply with Aethel’s orders and rained on the boy, heavily.

“I don’t want to. It’s dark here, I hate that!”

She let go of him and he fell back. “Oh God, I haven’t hurt you, have I?”

Paron stopped working. Aethel went over to the boy, he’d hit his head and tears were in his eyes, this sort of thing she wasn’t used to.

“Please don’t cry. I swear I’ll take you back. I just wanted the cloud.”

“You can’t have it!” His bottom lip trembled. “I told you it never leaves.”

The cloud was above his head, wispy and white and so fluffy.

She sat beside him, rubbing his head where it hurt and bit her tongue when she felt a bump. Paron handed her a pack of frozen peas, the boy looked up in wonder or amazement, she couldn’t tell, and moved away to the left.

“He’s an android,” she said, “Do you have them?”

“No.”

“Real machines that walk and talk, you’d go far with one of them,”

“You’re selling us for a cloud?” Gimus said.

Aethel ignored her, as usual. She helped the boy up and this time he let himself in and asked for a drink.

“I’m not selling anything. He doesn’t know how to get rid of it.” She watched the cloud bob up and down, almost playfully, and decided it was wrong to separate it from the boy. Like it’d been her fault he was hurt in the first place.

“We don’t have this either,” he said at last, gulping down flavoured ice pulp.

“What about this?” Aethel switched the projector on, bringing to life a purple-coloured scenery of the sea and a boat floating in the smooth water, a perfectly real hologram she’d made herself, something to be proud of.

“No,” he whispered, “I like it here.”
.: ₪ :.

'...'
  





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Fri Jun 01, 2007 1:19 pm
Rydia says...



I liked this piece and I didn't find enough mistakes to merit copying your whole post so here are the lines with their corrections. They're in chronological order so it shouldn't be too hard to find them in your piece...

The cloud, Aethel though, has to be a hologram. You've missed the 't' off of thought.

His face changed for a second, almost happy he looked. I think it would be better if you said he almost looked happy rather than almost happy he looked.

“Don’t mind his sharp tongue,” she said. The she needs a capital letter.

The cloud split in two, right in front of her, and lightning struck the peddler so he screamed terror. I think it needs to be screamed in terror and I think here's a really good place to include more imagery. Describe how the lightening looks, the colour, the shape and go into more detail on the impact it has on the man. I'm sure it would hurt him more than that.

She took a handkerchief and covered his eyes, the boy protested and nothing could put off Aethel’s determination as she shoved him into a nearby shaft. Use but instead of and where it says the boy protested and nothing could put off Aethel's determination.

“Another stray, Aethel?” Paron said, looking the boy up and down and turning back to Gimus—half blind but still able to see out one eye. Use something other than said. Maybe asked or sneered and you missed out a word - see out of one eye in place of see out one eye.

“We don’t have this either,” he said at last, gulping down flavoured ice pulp. Capital 'h' for he.

Other than those few mistakes, it's a very imaginative piece of work and I'd certainly like to read more so keep up the good work.
Writing Gooder

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Fri Jun 01, 2007 6:52 pm
Poor Imp says...



I've gotten fond of Constable; and I love his cloud, though I'd never want to take it from him. ^_~ He wouldn't quite be Constable without it, and it wouldn't be itself without him.

And his meeting with Aethel is hilarious, in an understated sort of way. ^_^

Looking across the bridge to this boy with a cloud above his head, his youthful countenance spoiled by a sulky expression.


After present-progressive verb, the acting party has got to finish his/her action. Meaning, after 'looking'...Aethel has to have another verb. Something like this: " Looking across the bridge to this boy with a cloud above his head, Aethel noticed his youthful countenance [was] spoiled by a sulk..."

You see?

Just as he was beside her, Aethel hailed him, making the boy tremble as she grabbed him.


Ah, sounds a bit awkward on chronology. Perhaps if you switched up the end, a little? "...hailed him, grasping his arm; he started and trembled at her touch."

Oy, entirely up to you, Myth. ^_^

This close, Aethel saw, the cloud was real and rained on the arm holding the boy. Stepping back, “Is that new technology?” She didn’t own anything like this cloud. She put up a hand: what would it be like to touch? A buzzing sensation waved through her arm, fingertips tingling, and she gasped.


Perfect reaction from Aethel; and the dialogue after her action makes her sound all the more startled. ^_^

“It doesn’t like being touched.” A quiet voice. The boy nudged off her hold.


Constable's speech is very much his own. He's got a distinct voice; and the way you 'tag it works to set it off - with the fragment above, noticeably.

The boy moved away, stepping down the set of stairs on the other side. She followed, staying clear of the little grey cloud, she wasn’t in the mood to change clothes, but close enough to talk to the owner.


Sometimes, I think, your punctuation is a little too understated to get its point across. ^_^ You've interjected -- she wasn't in the mood... -- but it being between merely commas, it rather runs together with the rest. Perhaps put it between em-dashes or in brackets?

The cloud split in two, right in front of her, and lightning struck the peddler so he screamed terror.


Ha, 'tis brilliant. A petulant cloud with its sulky boy. ^_^

A note: Would he scream in terror or pain? Surely he just been struck by ligthning?

She took a handkerchief and covered his eyes, the boy protested and nothing could put off Aethel’s determination as she shoved him into a nearby shaft.


Oughtn't it to be "But nothing coul put of Aethel..." ?

--


Anyhow, that's about it for the text; and it being a sketch, I don't need to drown in nit-picking. ^_^ It was, as usual Myth, a lot of fun to read. And Constable's rather one of those characters you expect to see published somewhere, with a little following of readers who love the idea of his cloud and sulky expression. ^_^



IMP
ex umbris et imaginibus in veritatem

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Fri Jun 01, 2007 8:16 pm
Twit says...



I found this a bit confusing in places, but that might be because I don't know these characters. Although I've seen Aethel in the Character Answer Game. :)

The few mistakes I saw have already been pointed out. It was interesting to read, but I didn't understand about the cloud and the boy and the androids or the frozen peas. *holds head* Am I thick or what?

Sorry that this wasn't very helpful, but it was very well written. :D

-Twit
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Fri Jun 01, 2007 10:04 pm
Poltergiest says...



I really like it. I don't know either of the character that are from other books but I still like 'em. Why is this one girl kidnapping this kid and shoving down into a sewer, or whatever. And why didn't the kid resist until she nearly pushed him through a room.

I like the cloud, though :wink:

~Pol
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Sat Jun 02, 2007 2:23 pm
Myth says...



Thank you all for reading and critiquing! Now:

Kitty: This is a one-off so Aethel and Constable will never see each other again.

Imp: Those sentences were a bit confusing, thanks for helping to clear them up.

Twit: Frozen peas were for Constable's bump, he hit his head when he fell. The android's are from Aethel's world, its a sci-fi, see? And Constable is from a fantasy world and so having a cloud above his head is pretty normal. In a way.

Pol: Actually Constable does resist, he 'protested' but Aethel ignores him. Its just after he gets blindfolded.

Seems like the cloud has got more attention than I thought it would =]

Myth
.: ₪ :.

'...'
  








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