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The Chronicles of Havoc



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Gender: Female
Points: 890
Reviews: 3
Thu Dec 27, 2007 4:40 am
Mosrael07 says...



David Cain strolled the wet, dirt en-grained streets of the Slums with a new sense of feeling. What with having been fired, it could very well be that a few weeks from now he would be just like that beggar he had just past. Cold, hungry, dirty, with no pen or paper to pursue his craft. That was, if this meeting didn't go as planned. His attitude for this meeting could be described as cocky at best. He knew it would go well. After all he was meeting with his ex Madison who was still head over heels for the lanky journalist.
David Cain narrowly avoided a head on collision with a slightly younger moody looking blond. She tossed her shorn hair and glared at him as she stalked past. The journalist tore his attention away from her and to the raven haired woman sitting who waved him over to a rickety table scrunched into a corner under a canvas cover.
He nodded in conformation and weaved his way to her. "Hello Madison." He gave her his famous lopsided grin.
"David you never did know when to give up." She smiled warmly.
"I like to think of myself as more determined then hopeless." He slid into the seat across from her.
Madison laughed and reached out to stroke his face before catching herself and lowering her hand to fiddle with the plastic silverware. "You haven't shaved. How's unemployment?"
"Unemployment isn't so bad. But I'm hoping this interview will change that." David shifted his chair so that it blocked Madison from view to outsiders. "You are still going through with it, right?"
She nodded, "Biomedical Corporations is nothing like it seems, David." She said a new urgency settling in her voice.
"Wait let me get the tape started." He fiddled with a small recording device until slender white fingers snatched it from him.
"No, just because I agreed to the interview doesn't mean I'm letting you record what I say." She shook her head.
The journalist attempted to take back the small device but she tossed into the street. "Biotech has a hand in virtually everything, David. Clothes, food, cars, everything David. If it goes down so does the world. But I have to tell someone, I-I can't keep it to myself anymore." Madison looked away for a moment then back at David Cain. She smiled, "I should have listened to you David. Biotech is more two faced then you and I ever could have conceived. You know about the disappearances that are racking up here in the Slums?"
He nodded wishing he had the recorder for this. "What about them?"
"It's Biotech. They are taking them and running experiments." She shuddered. "They use them for testing some sort of virus. I can't€™t get my hands on it but I know that they're having problems with it."
David cursed under his breath. "What kind of problems?"
"No one survives. They need survivors so they can see what the virus does. Without survives they won't know whether the virus works or not."
"I wished you hadn't tossed my note taker." He said in reference to the recorder. "This'll make one hell of a story."
"Story? David, this is real! It's happening and as much as I want to stop it I can't. That's why I'm telling you this David." She leaned even farther forward a passerby might have thought the two were about to kiss. Madison whispered her mouth so close to David's cheek that he could feel her lips move.
"I want you to stop it."
David started back in his chair but Madison's hand flew to his collar pulling him back.
"They're following me. They'll be after you too. You have to leave the city. Go south to the Wastes there's a group there an organization. I've been feeding them what information I can."
"Madison." David's eyes softened and his tone dropped to one of regret. "Come with me."
"I can't. I have to buy you enough time to get out. Now stand." She whispered.
David's brow furrowed in confusion.
"We have to give them a show." Madison pulled back and stood, straightening her dark trimmed over coat. "I'm sorry I couldn't be of help for you David." She pulled her purse onto her shoulder. "Good bye."
"Madi, one for the road?" David asked letting a smirk cover his fear of what was to come.
"I thought you'd never ask. You haven't changed." Smiling she wrapped her arms around him and slipping one hand into his pocket. "Directions."
David wrapped his arms around her, kissing the top of her head. "Bye Madison."

Eve Havoc stared out the grimy window at the couple who were hugging in the crowded cafe© across the street. They were most definitely Upper City dwellers, nobles or high ranks coming down to the Slums to have a secret lovers meeting.
Romantic idiots. She turned back and watched her old man run frantically about he apartment.
"What's wrong now?" Eve asked.
"Biotech, I shouldda never have dealed with those guys." He waved a hand gun in frustration. "We gotta get outta town, Eve."
Eve's jaw dropped she stalked angrily over to the wiry bald man. "You dealed with Biotech lackeys?" she growled.
Mr. Havoc winced remembering his daughter's ferocious temper even if she was 20 now time certainly hadn't mellowed her out. "They caught me dealin said if I gave 'em a bit fer free I'd 'ave nothing to worry 'bout. Now I 'ear from Winston that they're comin fer us. Gonna make us disappear. We gotta get outta town baby."
Eve Havoc let out her breath in a tight controlled stream. "You got caught? By the Powers old man!" she threw her hands over head. "I oughta kill you myself!" she ran into one of the door less rooms and came back with a back pack filled with her stuff. "Always kept this ready in case. Come on, I'll hack a car."
Eve dodged to the side as he ran over to the window. "Shit, they're 'ere! Get goin Eve they 'aven't seen you yet. Go!"
"I'm not letting you take all the glory old man. You're comin with me!" Eve growled and reached for €™re his arm.
Mr. Havoc jerked his arm away. "Go girl!" he stared at her "Go!"
Eve bit her bottom lip to keep it from trembling. "You better be behind me in five minutes." She said and turned running out of the dirty apartment and taking the back way down to the street. Eve glanced around and crossed the street trying to blend in with the milling crowd. She looked back over her shoulder and saw the Biotech uniforms, on which was pushing its way towards her.
Eve Havoc wiped her eyes quickly and spotted the man who'd she'd seen outside of the apartment window. The woman was gone and he looked a little lost.
"Hey love I'm sorry I'm late." She ran to him grabbing his arm and spinning him around heading up the street and away from the cafe© and her home. "Work with me here." She muttered under her breath.
The stranger was stunned for a moment before he understood. "No problem." He smiled crookedly.
Eve returned the smile, he really wasn't bad looking. "Glance behind you, is there a Biotech man following us?" she muttered.
He shoved out in the crowd bumping into a pedestrian. Using this as an excuse to turn back and look. "Sorry!" he turned casually back. "No he's turned around."
Sighing with relief Eve released his arm. "Thanks." She moved off away from the helpful man.
"Wait," he caught her arm swinging her back towards him.
Eve flipped a butterfly knife and pointed it at his belly. "Do you have a problem?"
"No, just looks like you need to get out of the city." He jerked his head back in the direction of the Biotech men.
Eve didn't lower the blade. "Says who?" she grunted.
He smirked and Eve's eyes narrowed. "Says the man you just ran from. Biotech's a big company to make enemies with."
Eve stared silently at this Upper City dweller for a moment. The traffic of people flowed around them as the two locked eyes in a staring contest.
"What do you want, denizen?" she asked finally using the Slum word for the rich.
"I need to get out of the city as well. I thought maybe we could help each other out." He shifted to accommodate a passing cart.
"Get to the point, denizen." Eve jabbed his belly lightly with the knife.
"Judging from your current mood and desperation I'm going to assume two things: One that you left someone behind and two you don't have a way out of the city.
Eve blinked in surprise how'd this guy know? "What's it too you?"
"We're alike in one way but different in I have away out. I'll help get you out of the city."
"I said cut to the chase what do you want from me?"
"I'm a city man. I could use help getting to the Wastes in a less discrete way then this would have me take." He pulled a small capture out of his coat pocket.
Eve thought over it for a second before withdrawing the blade and sticking out her hand. "Eve Havoc."
He shook her hand with his grip firm, "David Cain." They had a short contest of strength which Eve won.
"Lead the way." Eve grinned.
David rubbed his hand before grabbing hers again and pulling Eve through the crowd.
  





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Thu Dec 27, 2007 2:02 pm
EliteHusky says...



Madison looked away for a moment then back at David Cain.


Maybe: Madison looked away for moment then turned her head to face him.

It just seems that story was from David's point of view, so referring to himself from the third person will not always work as well as if it were done first person or the point of view you chose at the beginning. Also the latter half of the story seemed to "fade" as I found myself unsure about what had happened. It might be helpful to double space the dialogue as to make it easier for your reader to focus his/her attention on what you are trying to portray in your writing. Otherwise good job and you had great use of descriptions throughout the beginning.

Warm Regards,
-Elitehusky
  





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Fri Dec 28, 2007 5:39 am
seeminglymeaningless says...



Hi there! Below are my suggestions! :)

----------------

David Cain strolled the wet, dirt en-grained ------- "ingrained" ------ streets of the Slums with a new sense of feeling. What with having been fired, it could very well be that a few weeks from now he would be just like that beggar he had just past ------- awkward sentence, maybe "Recently fired, he could imagine himself living like the beggars on the streets, who no one, including himself, cared about."----------. Cold, hungry, dirty, with no pen or paper to pursue his craft. That was, if this meeting didn't go as planned. His attitude for this meeting could be described as cocky at best. He knew it would go well. After all he was meeting with his ex ------ "ex girlfriend" ------- Madison who was still head over heels for the lanky journalist.
David Cain narrowly avoided a head on collision with a slightly younger moody looking blond. She tossed her shorn hair and glared at him as she stalked past. The journalist tore his attention away from her and to the raven haired woman sitting ----- I think you missed a word here ------ who waved him over to a rickety table scrunched ------ scrunched isn't the right word, I keep think this table scrunched up as a piece of paper is scrunched into a ball, maybe "squeezed" would fit better ------- into a corner under a canvas cover.
He nodded in conformation and weaved his way ------ "through the foot traffic" (otherwise I have an image of this lanky guy weaving in and out on the path, as if drunk) ------ to her. "Hello Madison." He gave her his famous lopsided grin.
"David you never did know when to give up." She smiled warmly.
"I like to think of myself as more determined then hopeless." He slid into the seat across from her.
Madison laughed and reached out to stroke his face before catching herself and lowering her hand to fiddle with the plastic silverware ------- plastic silverware??? *laughs* "plastic cutlery"? -------. "You haven't shaved. How's unemployment?"
"Unemployment isn't so bad. But I'm hoping this interview will change that." David shifted his chair so that it blocked Madison from view to outsiders. "You are still going through with it, right?"
She nodded, "Biomedical Corporations is nothing like it seems, David." She said a new urgency settling in her voice.
"Wait let me get the tape started." He fiddled with a small recording device until slender white fingers snatched it from him.
"No, just because I agreed to the interview doesn't mean I'm letting you record what I say." She shook her head.
The journalist attempted to take back the small device but she tossed ------- "tossed it" ------- into -------- "onto"--------- the street. "Biotech has a hand in virtually everything, David. Clothes, food, cars, everything David ----- you've said "everything David twice in too short a time --------. If it goes down so does the world. But I have to tell someone, I-I can't keep it to myself anymore." Madison looked away for a moment then back at David Cain. She smiled, "I should have listened to you David. Biotech is more two faced then you and I ever could have conceived. You know about the disappearances that are racking up here in the Slums?"
He nodded wishing he had the recorder for this. "What about them?"
"It's Biotech. They are taking them and running experiments." She shuddered. "They use them for testing some sort of virus. I can't€™t <----- wtf? ---- get my hands on it but I know that they're having problems with it."
David cursed under his breath. "What kind of problems?"
"No one survives. They need survivors so they can see what the virus does. Without survives ------ "survivors" ------ they won't know whether the virus works or not."
"I wished you hadn't tossed my note taker." He said in reference to the recorder. "This'll make one hell of a story."
"Story? David, this is real! It's happening and as much as I want to stop it I can't. That's why I'm telling you this David. -------- she really does say David too much. --------" She leaned even farther forward a passerby might have thought the two were about to kiss. Madison whispered her mouth so close to David's cheek that he could feel her lips move.
"I want you to stop it."
David started back in his chair but Madison's hand flew to his collar pulling him back.
"They're following me. They'll be after you too. You have to leave the city. Go south to the Wastes there's a group there ---- , ----- an organization. I've been feeding them what information I can."
"Madison." David's eyes softened and his tone dropped to one of regret. "Come with me."
"I can't. I have to buy you enough time to get out. Now stand." She whispered.
David's brow furrowed in confusion.
"We have to give them a show." Madison pulled back and stood, straightening her dark trimmed over coat. "I'm sorry I couldn't be of help for you David." She pulled her purse onto her shoulder. "Good bye."
"Madi, one for the road?" David asked letting a smirk cover his fear of what was to come.
"I thought you'd never ask. You haven't changed." Smiling she wrapped her arms around him and slipping one hand into his pocket. "Directions."
David wrapped his arms around her, kissing the top of her head. "Bye Madison."

Eve Havoc stared out the grimy window at the couple who were hugging in the crowded cafe© <---------- wtf? -------- across the street. They were most definitely Upper City dwellers, nobles or high ranks coming down to the Slums to have a secret lovers meeting.
Romantic idiots. She turned back and watched her old man run frantically about he --------- "the" ----------- apartment.
"What's wrong now?" Eve asked.
"Biotech, I shouldda never have dealed ------ "dealt" ------- with those guys." He waved a hand gun in frustration. "We gotta get outta town, Eve."
Eve's jaw dropped -------- and -------- she stalked angrily over to the wiry bald man. "You dealed --------- "dealt"-------- with Biotech lackeys?" she growled.
Mr. Havoc winced remembering his daughter's ferocious temper even if she was 20 now time certainly hadn't mellowed her out --------- confusing sentence, not set out right --------. "They caught me dealin' said if I gave 'em a bit fer free I'd 'ave nothing to worry 'bout. Now I 'ear from Winston that they're comin fer us. Gonna make us disappear. We gotta get outta town baby."
Eve Havoc let out her breath in a tight controlled stream. "You got caught? By the Powers old man!" she threw her hands over head. "I oughta kill you myself!" she ran into one of the door less rooms and came back with a back pack filled with her stuff. "Always kept this ready in case. Come on, I'll hack a car."
Eve dodged to the side as he ran over to the window. "Shit, they're 'ere! Get goin Eve they 'aven't seen you yet. Go!"
"I'm not letting you take all the glory old man. You're comin with me!" Eve growled and reached for €™re <---- ?? ------- his arm.
Mr. Havoc jerked his arm away. "Go girl!" he stared at her "Go!"
Eve bit her bottom lip to keep it from trembling. "You better be behind me in five minutes." She said and turned running out of the dirty apartment and taking the back way down to the street. Eve glanced around and crossed the street trying to blend in with the milling crowd. She looked back over her shoulder and saw the Biotech uniforms, on which was pushing its way towards her.
Eve Havoc wiped her eyes quickly and spotted the man who'd she'd seen outside of the apartment window. The woman was gone and he looked a little lost.
"Hey love I'm sorry I'm late." She ran to him grabbing his arm and spinning him around heading up the street and away from the cafe© and her home ------- NICE! --------. "Work with me here." She muttered under her breath.
The stranger was stunned for a moment before he understood. "No problem." He smiled crookedly.
Eve returned the smile, he really wasn't bad looking. "Glance behind you, is there a Biotech man following us?" she muttered.
He shoved out in the crowd bumping into a pedestrian. Using this as an excuse to turn back and look. "Sorry!" he turned casually back. "No he's turned around."
Sighing with relief Eve released his arm. "Thanks." She moved off away from the helpful man.
"Wait," he caught her arm swinging her back towards him.
Eve flipped a butterfly knife and pointed it at his belly. "Do you have a problem?"
"No, just looks like you need to get out of the city." He jerked his head back in the direction of the Biotech men.
Eve didn't lower the blade. "Says who?" she grunted.
He smirked and Eve's eyes narrowed. "Says the man you just ran from. Biotech's a big company to make enemies with."
Eve stared silently at this Upper City dweller for a moment. The traffic of people flowed around them as the two locked eyes in a staring contest.
"What do you want, denizen?" she asked finally using the Slum word for the rich.
"I need to get out of the city as well. I thought maybe we could help each other out." He shifted to accommodate a passing cart.
"Get to the point, denizen." Eve jabbed his belly lightly with the knife.
"Judging from your current mood and desperation I'm going to assume two things: One that you left someone behind and two you don't have a way out of the city.
Eve blinked in surprise how'd this guy know? "What's it too -------- "to" -------- you?"
"We're alike in one way but different in ----- missed a few words here ^^ ------- I have away out. I'll help get you out of the city."
"I said cut to the chase what do you want from me?"
"I'm a city man. I could use help getting to the Wastes in a less discrete way then this would have me take." He pulled a small capture out of his coat pocket.
Eve thought over it for a second before withdrawing the blade and sticking out her hand. "Eve Havoc."
He shook her hand with his grip firm, "David Cain." They had a short contest of strength which Eve won.
"Lead the way." Eve grinned.
David rubbed his hand before grabbing hers again and pulling Eve through the crowd.


-----------------

Very good! Can't wait for the next installment. Only a few errors, and there even seems to be a plot *shock horror!* Good on you!

Cheers!

- jai -
I have an approximate knowledge of many things.
  








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