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Wed Jan 02, 2008 12:44 am
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Manny says...



Chapter One

Elliot Sanders flopped down on a regal white couch while vigorously pushing the buttons of a joystick. His formal tie and expensive suit looked out of place compared to his lanky figure and childish face. He let out a triumphant yell as his online Galactic War team, the Flaming Ducks, advanced further in the ranks on their way to being number one.

Galactic War had given out free headsets to the top players three months ago and he'd been using his ever since. He adjusted the headset, saying: "Alright, Manny, who's dying next?"

"I think we go up against the Gorgonfishers next," Manny spoke over the static, "in about thirty minutes."

"Cool. I have to go for a bit, but I'll be on for the match."

"No problem, just don't miss it or I'll bathe you in battery acid."

"Is that a threat, great and merciless leader?"

"Sarcasm won't get you far, young padawan."

"You're such a nerd, Adam."

"I thought I told you to call me Manny?"

"Sorry, but seriously," he choked out through fits of laughter, "I've got to go."

"See you later."

"Adios."

He pushed the power down button on the crimson controller and set it on the ivory coffee table. Hands gliding to the other side of the table, he picked up a bottle of Root Beer, propped his feet up, and began chugging. The very last of it slid out of the bottle when a door to the right of the television opened. Four men in straight, black suits wearing thick shades that covered their eyes completely, swept into the room and formed a semi-circle around him. They had radio pieces in their ears that had wires slipping down into their jackets and attaching to belt transmitters. One stepped closer.

"Mr. Sanders, are you ready?" the one in front asked in a monotonous voice.

"Bailey, how many times do I have to tell you, just because we're chums doesn't mean you can call me that."

"Sorry, Mr. President." His face didn't even twitch, it was void of emotion. "Dr. Alastor is ready for you in the lab. If you could act like the president for one moment, it'd help us a lot."

"Is that some kind of joke, Bailey? Because I'm the youngest president ever and it bothers you?"

"Of course not, sir. I was fooling around."

"Well, you're not very good at it."

"Whatever you say, sir."

Elliot shot up from the couch and re-adjusted the Root Beer bottle to rest between his index and middle finger; making it sway against his hip as he strutted out of the room and into the painfully white hallway. Bailey wouldn't treat him like a little kid; he was a 35 year old man for crying out loud. If there was one thing he hated it was being treated like he didn't know anything. He made his way past numerous doors with the suits, as he called them, practically breathing down his neck. Finally, he turned into an open space to the right that had the dimensions of a professional basketball arena. Once wholly in the area, his view went to a circular platform on top of which sat a huge, metallic sphere. Cords ran from the platform to the sphere and a giant pipe containing hundreds of wires ran across the room to computer panels that covered an entire wall.

"This looks like the Argonian cybernetics department," he said with a smile on his face.


"Sir?"

"Oh. It's a level on Galactic Wars." Elliot checked the Rolex on his watch. "How long will this take?"

"It depends on Dr. Alastor."

"Right, Bailey. Why don't you loosen up?"

At that moment a stocky, balding man waddled toward him with a digital readout tablet. It was a device which wouldn't come out to the public for another decade. The government had been that way since the 1950's, keeping technology hidden from the public until they had taken all the usefulness out of it. The extraterrestrial device that digital cameras were based on actually made molecular copies instead of pixel representations. There were rumors on the conspiracy sites he visited that the government had found a cure for cancer already, but he hadn't seen any proof of that from within the system. Thomas Alastor looked at him with concern on his face.

"Did it work?" The President scuffed his shoe on the linoleum, a habit when anxious.

"Yes, but the result isn't what we were expecting," the doctor shifted his weight to his other leg, "it's both positive and negative."

"Can I see?"

"The machine is cooling down, so no, but I must say that for a first attempt at viewing the future, SEER made it through procedures without a single malfunction. If it were a public project, I would win the Nobel Prize most definitely."

"That's fine and dandy. Now, can you tell me what it saw?"

The doctor looked at his feet, "You are re-elected in four years as a result of the success of your diplomatic achievements and health care improvements. I must say, it was quite baffling when I saw the election records. The voting ratio between you and your opponent was 3:1. Another first for the Presidency, I believe."

"Are you serious! This," he punched the air with his fist, "is awesome. If you weren't such a stiff, I'd hug you right now."

"There is some bad news," the doctor continued, "that pertains to the year following your second term."

"What happens, I tick off Congress or something?"

The doctor hesitated for a moment. "You are assassinated during a speech in which you tell the people of America the truth concerning extraterrestrial life."

"I'm killed? You've got to be kidding!"

"Forgive me for sounding rude, but your untimely death is not the worst part."

"What did you just say, Doctor? It sounded like you told me there was something worse than my death. There is nothing worse than my death."

"Actually, there is something far greater than the death of one life."

"And what would that be!" Elliot could feel his blood boiling.

"The massacre of millions of people and the ultimate conquering of Earth by extraterrestrials."

"Aliens are going to come to our planet," he said while attempting to stifle laughter, "and kill us all?"

"Yes. This is a serious matter that should not be taken lightly, especially by the President of the United States." The doctor's face was beginning to look red.

"That's absurd, though. Secretary Beare told me that aliens were only allowed to fly around the upper levels of the atmosphere. Isn't there a prison for the ones that break that rule?"

"There is, but this invading force will be stronger than anything we've ever encountered before. As of this moment, we are severely unprepared."

"So what do you suggest we do?"

"I don't have the authority to make that decision," the doctor replied as another man came to stand beside him, "but General Beare does have that authority."

"Beare? What in the world are you doing here? Shouldn't you be rotting in Washington?"

"How touching, Mr. President," the overly decorated army officer retorted, "it does my heart good to know you're concerned about my wellbeing."

"General Beare is also the commander of our Extraterrestrial Defense and Intelligence Agency." The doctor started messing with his tablet again.

"I'm guessing Dr. Alastor's the intelligence and you're the defense, Beare?"

"That would be correct, sir."

Elliot wanted to try and get Beare to yell, fight back, but decided that addressing the real issue would be the most presidential choice. "So what do you suggest we do?"

"Send a team into deep space to retrieve E.T. technology and build up our defenses both on Earth and in the solar system."

"I'm assuming you have a team assembled already?"

"Yes, sir."

"Who's going to lead this team?"

"A Mr. Russo. He's the grandson of a leading Rosewell scientist and the son of the best space pilots we've ever had."

"Then why don't you get that guy to lead the mission?"

Beare closed his eyes in frustration then reopened them. "Because he was injured during a scuffle with hostile aliens and died a year later, right before his son was born."

"So what credentials does this kid have?"

"We believe he has some innate knowledge about Extraterrestrials and he has demonstrated great leadership skills."

"Sounds good to me. What about the rest of the crew?"

"We have an Arms Specialist from Texas, a linguist from the British Institute of Alien Knowledge, and the best space pilot of the Japanese Aerospace Exploration Agency. There will also be a few of my men along as well."

"When will the mission start?"

"As soon as Dr. Alastor says we can take off."

"Dr. Alastor?"

The doctor looked up from his tablet with a confused look. "Oh, I still need to get the prototype Wormhole Generator from a Swedish colleague of mine. General Beare will need to find a suitable spacecraft. I would venture to guess a month at the least."

"Then it's official. We launch in one month."

"No, sir, I believe I said at the least one month."

"I say one month exactly. You better get working to make the deadline."

With that he walked back to his room, dragging his feet and making black marks on the white floor. He picked up his controller and turned on Galactic Wars, but didn't start the campaign mode. Instead he sent Manny a text message saying he wouldn't be able to play for awhile because of work. It took him a few tries to get it right, his hands were shaking. As soon as it was sent, he threw the controller at the wall with all his might. Being the President wasn't easy, but he'd managed to get through it so far. Now his life, and the fate of the world, depended on the success of a rag-tag group of space explorers. For the first time he could remember, he was scared.
Last edited by Manny on Wed Jan 02, 2008 9:51 pm, edited 6 times in total.
  





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Wed Jan 02, 2008 1:28 am
BigBadBear says...



Awesome! A kid president! That's an awesome topic that no one has really written about. Great job for coming up with something unusual to write about. This will sure be a hit here on YWS.

First, I'll say the good stuff.

I really liked the first part when he is playing the video games. It is very well written and the dialogue isn't half bad either. Great job. When the security guard called him President, it kind of shocked, me, but that's easy to do. XD I loved it.

Now for the bad parts:

Well, not really bad, so to speak. Just not natural.

The doctor chuckled, "Like that fact that you get re-elected in four years."

"Really? That's awesome!"

"There is some bad news, though," the doctor twiddled his thumbs, "you get killed in the second year of your final term, right before an alien invasion."


I'm sorry but what the doctor is saying is completely wrong. No doctor would come out and say that. Add some big words in there; after all, the doctor didn't go to millions of years in collage to speak like a twelve year old!
"Really? That's awesome!"


Oh wow! So much emotion! NOT! Seriously, this is where you say that your heart fluttered and your eyes widened. Add some personality.

When they were talking about the aliens, I think you need to revamp the entire thing and rewrite it. It's not bad, it's just that the dialogue isn't natural. Read it out loud. Sure, the teen can talk like that, but adults don't. Use big words!

"What can we do? Secretary Beare made it clear that we weren't ready for an invasion."

"The only thing to do: send a team out there to retrieve better technology."


*gasp* Floating heads! This is bad! We should never be wondering who is talking. Always add "blah blah blah" Tony said. Even if it just says 'Tony said' it will still help us understand who is talking.

Don't take this the wrong way. This story was really good. I think that you just need to add more description. After the video game it just turned...blah. It doesn't have to be that way. Go back and add some humor, description and personality. After all if we don't care about the characters, we don't care about the story.

So, good job. I'll be looking for more. If I was too harsh, tell me! Pretty please?

XD

BBB
Just write -- the rest of life will follow.

Would love help on this.
  





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Wed Jan 02, 2008 2:43 am
Billy says...



Interesting story, I'd like to see where you go with this.

and set in on the ivory coffee table.


You mean it.

wearing thick shades that covered their eyes completely, swept into the room


You don't need a comma here.

"Mr. Sanders, are you ready,"


You should finish that with a question mark.

it was void of emotion.


You mean devoid.

Chords ran from the platform to the sphere


This should be cords, chords is for music.

Thomas Alastor looked at him with a concerning look on his face.


You've used 'look' twice in the same sentence, it looks a bit awkward. Try something like: Alastor glanced at him.

All in all, it was good. I can't wait to read the next part.

-Billy
He had decided to live forever or die in the attempt. - Yossarian, Catch-22

Wide-eyed stupid.

If you're gonna rule the world, you've gotta get up early! - Joel S. Dickens
  





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Wed Jan 02, 2008 3:18 am
Manny says...



I've changed it slightly, taking some stuff out and adding more. I also reveal a little bit about the other main character, who is still to come. Enjoy and thanks for the critiques.
  





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Wed Jan 02, 2008 6:12 am
PenguinAttack says...



Chapter One

Elliot Sanders lay flopped down on a regal white couch while vigorously pushing the buttons of a joystick. His formal tie and expensive suit looked out of place compared to his lanky figure and childish face. He let out a triumphant yell as his online Galactic War team, the Flaming Ducks, advanced further in the ranks on their way to being number one.

- I would choose either “lay” or “flopped” in the first line, the two words together mean almost the same thing, and it jars to read them so close together.

Galactic War had given out free headsets to the top players three months ago and he'd been using it ever since. He adjusted the headset, saying: "Alright, Manny, who's dying next?"

- A little bit of confusion when you say “he’d been using it” Perhaps if you altered it to “he’s been using his” it would clear that up much easier.

"I think we go up against the Gorgonfishers next," Manny spoke over the static, "in about thirty minutes."

"Cool. I have to go for a bit, but I'll be on for the match."

"No problem, just don't miss it our I'll bathe you in battery acid."

“Our” should be “or”

"Is that a threat, great and merciless leader?"

"Sarcasm won't get you far, young padawan."

"You're such a nerd, Adam."

"I thought I told you to call me Manny?"

"Sorry, but seriously," he choked out through fits of laughter, "I've got to go."

"See you later."

"Adios."

He pushed the power down button on the crimson controller and set it on the ivory coffee table. Hands gliding to the other side of the table, he picked up a bottle of Root Beer, propped his feet up, and began chugging. The very last of it slid out of the bottle when a door to the right of the television opened. Four men in straight, black suits, wearing thick shades that covered their eyes completely swept into the room and formed a semi-circle around him. They had radio pieces in their ears that had wires slipping down into their jackets and attaching to belt transmitters. One stepped closer.

“Four men in straight, black suits, wearing thick shades that covered their eyes completely swept into the room...”
- Here it looks odd, you need some punctuation between “completely” and “swept” – I’m so very bad at punctuation, so I’m not sure what you can put there without it seeming as though it is a run on sentence... Think on it. ^^


"Mr. Sanders, are you ready," the one in front asked in a monotonous voice.

Needs a question mark after “ready”.

"Bailey, how many times do I have to tell you, just because we're chums doesn't mean you can call me that."

"Sorry, Mr. President." His face didn't even twitch, it was void of emotion. "Dr. Alastor is ready for you in the lab. If you could act like the president for one moment, it'd help us a lot."

"Is that some kind of joke, Bailey? Because I'm the youngest president ever and it bothers you?"

"Of course not, sir. I was fooling around."

"I'm watching you, Bailey."

"Whatever you say, sir."

Elliot shot up from the couch and readjusted the Root Beer bottle to rest between his index and middle finger, making it sway against his hip as he strutted out of the room and into the painfully white hallway.

- Use a semicolon instead of comma here.

Bailey wouldn't treat him like that, he'd make sure of it.

While I understand what you mean, it is a little ambiguous as to what Elliot is thinking, perhaps some expansion on “that”

He made his way past numerous doors with the suits, as he called them, in hot pursuit.

“in hot pursuit” makes it seem as though he is running and they are chasing him... I am unsure if this was your intention.

Finally, he turned into an open space to the right that had the dimensions of a professional basketball arena. Once wholly in the area, his view went to a circular platform on top of which sat a huge, metallic sphere. Cords ran from the platform to the sphere and a giant pipe containing hundreds of wires ran across the room to computer panels that covered an entire wall.

"This looks like the Argonian cybernetics department," he said with a smile on his face.

"Sir?"

"Oh. It's a level on Galactic Wars." Elliot checked the Rolex on his watch. "How long will this take?"

"It depends on Dr. Alastor."

"Right, Bailey. Why don't you loosen up?"

- Odd, Elliot seems to be switching in between giving Bailey a hard time about being “loose” and not being “loose”... it seems to be changing often... is that on purpose?

At that moment a stocky, balding man waddled toward him with a digital readout tablet, which wouldn't come out to the public for another decade.

- I understand what you mean, but your wording makes this odd... perhaps using a full stop after “tablet” and saying something like “A tablet that wouldn’t even come out to the public..” might work a little better.

The government had been that way since the 1950's, keeping technology hidden from the public until they had taken all the usefulness out of it. The extraterrestrial device that digital cameras were based on actually made molecular copies instead of pixel representations. There were rumors on the conspiracy sites he visited that the government had found a cure for cancer already, but he hadn't seen any proof of that. Thomas Alastor looked at him with concern on his face.

- Odd... Obviously it is Elliot thinking... but one would assume that The President would know about all of such things, not needing the websites... even if he is the youngest ever.

"Did it work?" The President scuffed his shoe on the linoleum, a habit when anxious.

- You switch between “Elliot” and “the President”... I would suggest picking one or the other... Although they both seem to work.

"Yes, but the result isn't what we were expecting," the doctor shifted his weight to his other leg, "it's both positive and negative."

"Can I see?"

"The machine is cooling down, so no, but I must say that for a first attempt at viewing the future, SEER made it through procedures without a single malfunction. If it were an public project, I would win the Nobel Prize most definitely."

- “a public project” instead of “an public project”


"That's fine and dandy. Now, can you tell me what it saw?"

The doctor looked at his feet, "You are re-elected in four years as a result of the success of your diplomatic achievements and health care improvements. I must say, it was quite baffling when I saw the election records. The voting ratio between you and your opponent was 3:1. Another first for the Presidency, I believe."

"Are you serious! This," he punched the air with his fist, "is awesome. If you weren't such a stiff, I'd hug you right now."

"There is some bad news," the doctor continued, "that pertains to the year following your second term."

"What happens, I tick off Congress or something?"

The doctor hesitated for a moment. "You are assassinated during a speech in which you tell the people of America the truth concerning extraterrestrial life."

"I'm killed? You've got to be kidding!"

"Forgive me for sounding rude, but your untimely death is not the worst part."

"What did you just say, Doctor? It sounded like you told me there was something worse than my death. There is nothing worse than my death."

"Actually, there is something far greater than the death of one life."

"And what would that be!" Elliot could feel his blood boiling.

"The massacre of millions of people and the ultimate conquering of Earth by extraterrestrials."

"Aliens are going to come to our planet," he said while attempting to stifle laughter, "and kill us all?

- Missing the “ at the end here.

"Yes. This is a serious matter that should not be taken lightly, especially by the President of the United States." The doctor's face was beginning to look red.

"That's absurd, though. Secretary Beare told me that aliens were only allowed to fly around the upper levels of the atmosphere. Isn't there a prison for the ones that break that rule?"

"There is, but this invading force will be stronger than anything we've ever encountered before. As of this moment, we are severely unprepared."

"So what do you suggest we do?"

"I don't have the authority to make that decision," the doctor replied as another man came to stand beside him, "but General Beare does have that authority."

"Beare? What in the world are you doing here? Shouldn't you be rotting in Washington?"

"How touching, Mr. President," the overly decorated army officer retorted, "it does my heart good to know you're concerned about my wellbeing."

"General Beare is also the commander of our Extraterrestrial Defense and Intelligence Agency." The doctor started messing with his tablet again.

"I'm guessing Dr. Alastor's the intelligence and you're the defense, Beare?"

"That would be correct, sir."

Elliot wanted to try and get Beare to yell, fight back, but decided that addressing the real issue would be the most presidential choice. "So what do you suggest we do?"

"Send a team into deep space to retrieve E.T. technology and build up our defenses both on Earth and in the solar system."

"I'm assuming you have a team assembled already?"

"Yes, sir."

"Who's going to lead this team?"

"A Mr. Russo. He's the grandson of a leading Rosewell scientist and the son of the best space pilots we've ever had."

"Then why don't you get that guy to lead the mission?"

Beare closed his eyes in frustration then reopened them. "Because he was injured during a scuffle with hostile aliens and died a year later, right before his son was born."

"So what credentials does this kid have?"

"We believe he has some innate knowledge about Extraterrestrials and he has demonstrated great leadership skills."

"Sounds good to me. What about the rest of the crew?"

"We have an Arms Specialist from Texas, a linguist from the British Institute of Alien Knowledge, and the best space pilot of the Japanese Aerospace Exploration Agency. There will also be a few of my men along as well."

"When will the mission start?"

"As soon as Dr. Alastor says we can take off."

"Dr. Alastor?"

The doctor looked up from his tablet with a confused look. "Oh, I still need to get the prototype Wormhole Generator from a Swedish colleague of mine. General Beare will need to find a suitable spacecraft. I would venture to guess a month at the least."

"Then it's official. We launch in one month."

"No, sir, I believe I said at the least one month."

"I say one month exactly. You better get working to make the deadline."

With that he sprinted back to his room. He picked up his controller and turned on Galactic Wars, but didn't start the campaign mode. Instead he sent Manny a text message saying he wouldn't be able to play for awhile because of work. It took him a few tries to get it right, his hands were shaking. As soon as the it was sent, he threw the controller at the wall with all his might.

- “the it” heheh, “it” would work best. I also do not think he would sprint back to his rooms, it seems a obvious example of fear, and it would be unwise to show it as president.

Being the President wasn't easy, but he'd managed to get through it so far. Now his life, and the fate of the world, depended on the success of a rag-tag group of space explorers. For the first time he could remember, he was scared.

- I like this, Mantis, and cannot wait for the next bit. I find your characters to be fairly believable, although I think you need to work on Elliot’s professionalism. He was elected for a reason, and I have not yet seen what that could have been.

Well done. ^^

*Hearts* Le Penguin.
I like you as an enemy, but I love you as a friend.
  





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Wed Jan 02, 2008 6:51 am
Manny says...



0_0

That was an awesome critique, Penguin! Thanks so much! I've taken your advice and tweaked some of the problems.

*works on chapter two*
  





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Thu Jan 03, 2008 3:58 pm
Maybe says...



I'll be critiquing as i read...

At that moment a stocky, balding man waddled toward him with a digital readout tablet. It was a device which wouldn't come out to the public for another decade. The government had been that way since the 1950's, keeping technology hidden from the public until they had taken all the usefulness out of it. The extraterrestrial device that digital cameras were based on actually made molecular copies instead of pixel representations. There were rumors on the conspiracy sites he visited that the government had found a cure for cancer already, but he hadn't seen any proof of that from within the system. Thomas Alastor looked at him with concern on his face.


Do we really need to know so much about a machine? Maybe it'll be something big later on, but right now all this information is a bit boring to have to read over. Perhaps make it...
At that moment a stocky, balding man waddled toward him with a digital readout tablet. It was a device which wouldn't come out to the public for another decade. The government had been that way since the 1950's, keeping technology hidden from the public until they had taken all the usefulness out of it. [s]The extraterrestrial device that digital cameras were based on actually made molecular copies instead of pixel representations. There were rumors on the conspiracy sites he visited that the government had found a cure for cancer already, but he hadn't seen any proof of that from within the system.[/s] Thomas Alastor looked at him with concern on his face.

Gosh, besides that and a few small grammatical errors, i really didn't see anything else. This was pretty good. I liked the idea of a 'kid' president, but his attitude sounds more like a teenager than a 35 year old. But, that's just my opinion.

Now, to continue...

Plot Line: You did a really good job explaining the plot line for us. Maybe too well, actually. A lot of writers make the mistake of outlining the plot line too early, then they have trouble finishing the book. Now maybe you have a set outline already written out either on paper or in your head that you can follow, but if not this might get difficult after a while. But you can decide what you want to do.

Emotions, Expressions, and Tone: You do a good job of this with Elliot, but what about Beare and Dr. Alastor? To me, it just seems like they're just standing there, talking monotone most of the time with no expression. Dr. Alastor was portrayed pretty well, but he still didn't stand out to me. And Beare, he didn't stand out any at all, really. Was he smug when the president asked his opinion? Did his tone have a superior note to it? Did he do any hand gestures while he was talking? What was the expression on his face? I think the only sentence with any action done by Beare was: Beare closed his eyes in frustration then reopened them. "Because he was injured during a scuffle with hostile aliens and died a year later, right before his son was born." . Tell us more, make the character stand out!

That's really all i have to say. You did a really good job with this and i can't wait to read more.

-Mays
Be the cartoon heart. Light a fire, light a spark. Light a fire, flame in my heart. We'll run wild, we'll be glowing in the dark.
  








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