Young Writers Society

[story deleted by author]

Wow I loved this. I liked the conversation between Karen and her boss. Naughty language!

Yup. Naughty language... which is why this is a PG 13 .

... though to tell you the truth, I don't actually know what naughty language is in there... I wrote this a fair while ago, and I'm too lazy to actually read it myself .

Interesting. It's a new perspective (for me, anyway).

"I kept my hands folded in front of me; in what I admit was an attempt to stop them from fidgeting. "

I don't think you need a semicolon there.
Sorry, we learned the proper use of semicolons today... at least, I think it's the proper way...

Wow, this is really great. Please post more! The only thing I noticed was sometimes the dialouge was a little confusing (hard to tell who's talking.) But overall it's brilliant!

wow, this is really good, it shows great potential. this will be knew, because alot of the book i read about aleins attacking humans is from the humans point of veiw, this will be very interesting. i cant wait until you post more of it, so please do that.

Wow - nothing for four days... and then replies .

Okay...

emotion less: You're probably right - in fact I don't even know why I put that in there. Probably cos Word's Spell Checker insisted on it and I gave in .

BlackDaisy: The confusion is one of the main reasons why I want to re-write this piece .

Dargquon Ql'deleodna: Yup, I felt like telling a story through different eyes .

It didn't change my life, but in the time fo me to read it I had to take a break and change socks. I LOVED IT!!!

That comment goes right over my head, but thanks anyway .

This was pretty cool. I love the idea- it's amazing and really original. are you going to continue it or just leave it as a short piece of writing?

At the moment I have no further plans for it .

It didn't hold my attention. There are two reasons for this. I could tell that you understood perfectly what was happening and why, but were holding back information to create curiosity. This is a concept I never really understood. I understand holding back certain kinds of information, like why and how a character died before the story started, or the kind of information that is held back in the Harry Potter books. But in this case,you're holding back so much that all I could think was, "Who the heck are these people, and why should I care?" I didn't properly understand what was happening or why. When keeping certain story elements secret until later, it should be key plot elememts, not basic world and character information like what the preparations at the begining are, or what the two different names mean.

The second reason is your sentence structure is too monotonous. Reading "I did this. I did that," over and over again gets tedious and boring.

I agree with you on both points. In fact, they're the reasons I want to rewrite this.
But I have more interessting stories to write. So I'm gonna leave this as it is (for now anyway).

I like your mainstream, story line, but "I did that then I did this" quite uh... annoyed me. I liked your story, it just didn't feel right.

*points to his above post *